Cute or Controlling?

[Emmalina21]

I'll try and be brief, so I am pregnant but separated from the father to be.

After being in counselling and evaluating our relationship,I know (sadly) it cannot be.

We have only recently broken up though, so feelings are raw and it is hard to move on because he is still contacting me. Due to us having stuff to sort out, most of the time I have gone along with it.

However, he knows my feelings that after a few recent VERY bad disputes, I told him I can't go back from that.

He has now booked us a dinner reservation tonight, sent me a nice message wanting to start afresh, he'll be bringing flowers and says he isn't going anywhere.

He wants to make it work and with a baby on the way, I feel mean wanting to put a stop to it.

Anyway, as the title says, I'm debating whether I think this is cute or controlling because he is going to turn up tonight and I will feel awful having to reject him (even though deep down I know it is the right thing to do). I told him over the phone last night how it isn't the right time and I'm still hurt by everything. I even said we were not right for each other and can't see it working (we had had another disagreement before, so a date is the last thing I want as quite a lot of negative emotions are still present and need time to heal). He then said it is still booked, he will be outside mine at X time and it is up to me to show up. I know it is supposed to be a lovely gesture, but I feel pressured as I am trying to move on, but he is persistent in wanting to see me.

Despite me saying what I feel and where we are in all this, he wants a future with me while I see him as an ex.

Interested in hearing your thoughts and opinions :) Need to figure out what to do!

What are these very bad disputes?

I'm trying to figure out whether he's even safe to have in the house alone with you, never mind having dinner with him.

I'm not sure. Because you are pregnant, it puts a different angle on him saying he'll be there for you and wanting to nurture an ongoing relationship with you - you will need to have a relationship with him, albeit one as co-parents, if not lovers.

Unless there are other factors here?

I think any person that is told ‘No’ and chooses to ignore it, state their intention to do it anyway and lays all that on someone else IS controlling. He feels entitled to dictate the narrative and is riding roughshod over your feelings....no doubt he is the sort of guy that would then use you not showing up to play the victim.

As PicsInRed asks.. what are these "VERY bad disputes"?

I would say that if he says he is coming and he isn’t giving you a choice then he is highly controlling, you have said no and he hasn’t listened.

Text him
I won't be there tonight and I do not want to get back together then block him on your phone for the night, don't answer the door, go to a friend's if you can. Make it crystal clear that you don't want to get back together

what are the barriers to you having a future together? What is it that drives you apart? Is there anything different he should be doing for you to feel you might have a future together or is it just a personality clash? My gut feel says stand firm don’t go, you need to make sure you are not sending out mixed messages. But if there is something he can Do to salvage the relationship then meet up and make sure he understands what it is.

Controlling. He's completely overriding, in fact trampling over your feelings. I'd be very very uneasy about meeting up with him. Can you arrange a friend to be with you when he turns up? He needs to be told in no uncertain terms that this isn't happening.

And trust your instincts. As women we have instincts for a reason. Your brain is giving you warning signals. Please dont ignore them.

@PicsInRed

In the scheme of things, he gets angry at what I think is pretty small things. Like if I don't reply quick enough/in the time frame he will like, it will lead to a huge outburst.

He will come over uninvited, constantly ringing the bell and if I don't answer, he calls on my neighbors to let him into the building (block of flats) and then continues to bang on my door. This was all in the middle of the night and he had been drinking.

A week later, he apparently "had enough" of me, so he decided to message my dad instead. Once again, he had been drinking so the messages were not civil. He was threatening to get "lawyers" on to me regarding this baby. (all rather unnecessary when I am trying to be reasonable) and it was all rather upsetting for my family too.
He then tried to arrange to meet my dad behind my back to talk about things. I told him I would be the one to be there, so finally he spoke to me.

When he turned up, I felt pushed to breaking point and got emotional. He only changed his tune when he saw me upset and wanted to then "look after me". That whole situation felt toxic to me, as if I had to be vulnerable to see a nicer side.

A few days go by and I suggest having some space but if he could respect my wishes by talking to me and not my parents if needs be, as they can't do anything. He rang me in a rage, calling me names and letting me know he has sent a letter to my parents. I guess he knew this would get to me.

The phone call was nasty and I felt attacked, but he said he wish he could cut ties with me and he couldn't think of anything worse than bringing a baby into the world in all this (he has been favoring an abortion from the day he found out). Although it was bad, I got over it because I thought he doesn't want to be with me so I can make plans of my own for the future. Except a couple days later he told me I wound him up all week and he was speaking out of anger.

Now he is back to wanting to take me out because he "loves me".

Omg he is abusive, controlling, unstable and potentially violent! Stay away from him!
Honestly it isn’t safe to be around him. You intuition is screaming at you that you need to be away from this man.

I’m worried for you 🙁

After reading your update: hell NO!!
Trust your gut OP. This man will never be a good partner to you. You are doing the right thing by ending the relationship.

Ah, OP. You definitely ought not go out for dinner with him in this case.

I would play grey rock with him. He obviously thrives on drama. And unfortunately, the pregnancy is likely to make him a lot more dangerous.

He is a controlling abusive dangerous man. You are right to be extremely wary of him and this action. As others have said this is not romantic, it’s very sinister and he’s totally ignoring your right to end the relationship. Take measures to be safe tonight, if you can contact Women’s Aid for advice about how to deal with him safely.

Sorry you’re going through this but no wonder you wanted to break up with him. He is controlling and manipulative under the pretext of “loving and caring” for you. If he loved you he would care about how YOU feel, respect your feelings and desire for space and would not want to put pressure on you. There is never a need in a healthy relationship to be called names! Dragging your family into it as well to try and coercise you into the relationship is terrible. Well done for getting away but stay away from him he is dangerous. Good luck with your baby

Have you sorted all the stuff that needs to be sorted?

If so, then respond: 'I shall not be there. I'll be in touch by email nearer the time to see if we can agree a contact schedule with the baby'

If no: 'I shall not be there. We still need to sort XYZ, but I think we can do that by email' (or some other concrete, but remote way of dealing with last loose ends)

Set up a new email account for all remaining domestic and future child-related issues.

Well after that update I'm firmly in the He is a controlling nightmare camp.

How could you even think for one second that this is cute? He’s an arsehole.
Unfortunately you will have to deal with him for 18 years now.

He's emotionally unstable and unbalanced. Please be careful to give him very clear messages even if you have to repeat yourself. One hint that you are reconsidering and he'll jump on it. ( you saying 'I can't see it working' could give him the message that you're not entirely convinced)
I expect that he'll show his true colours yet again should you decide not to go out for dinner with him. Is it possible to have someone around your house when he is waiting? A friend could be witness to his behaviour and there to support you in not responding to any tantrum.
I think it sounds as if this is his disordered personality showing and it sounds very unlikely anything could change for the better

Yes - you need to be co-parents

No, they don't. His abusive and controlling behaviour towards the OP now and the fact he favours abortion, make me inclined to tell the OP to go this alone.

Keep a log of all the abuse. Next time he harasses you (banging on door etc) or your parents call the police. Don't put him on the birth cert and give the baby your surname.

Your update reveals a controlling, abusive man so the dinner thing is absolutely controlling. He's basically refusing to take no for an answer.

He is still the same person underneath the facade of love and promises.

Please look after yourself. My concern is when he realises he won't be able to change your mind that he will have one almighty meltdown.

Stay safe x

Not cute in the slightest.

Very controlling and, from your update, he sounds quite dangerous.

He's totally disregarding and disrespecting your wishes and feelings and putting you in a position where, when you say no, it makes you look like the bad guy.

He sounds awful, please stay safe.