Cute or Controlling?

[Emmalina21]

I'll try and be brief, so I am pregnant but separated from the father to be.

After being in counselling and evaluating our relationship,I know (sadly) it cannot be.

We have only recently broken up though, so feelings are raw and it is hard to move on because he is still contacting me. Due to us having stuff to sort out, most of the time I have gone along with it.

However, he knows my feelings that after a few recent VERY bad disputes, I told him I can't go back from that.

He has now booked us a dinner reservation tonight, sent me a nice message wanting to start afresh, he'll be bringing flowers and says he isn't going anywhere.

He wants to make it work and with a baby on the way, I feel mean wanting to put a stop to it.

Anyway, as the title says, I'm debating whether I think this is cute or controlling because he is going to turn up tonight and I will feel awful having to reject him (even though deep down I know it is the right thing to do). I told him over the phone last night how it isn't the right time and I'm still hurt by everything. I even said we were not right for each other and can't see it working (we had had another disagreement before, so a date is the last thing I want as quite a lot of negative emotions are still present and need time to heal). He then said it is still booked, he will be outside mine at X time and it is up to me to show up. I know it is supposed to be a lovely gesture, but I feel pressured as I am trying to move on, but he is persistent in wanting to see me.

Despite me saying what I feel and where we are in all this, he wants a future with me while I see him as an ex.

Interested in hearing your thoughts and opinions :) Need to figure out what to do!

@bibliomania

Misogynist. He wants to meet your father because he thinks men should be able to tell women what to do - exactly the logic as saying he will be there when you told him not to be.

Fuck I hadn't even made that connection in my head but you're so right. Meeting to discuss what "their" woman should do. Bloody hell.

He sounds dangerous and why the fuck is he contacting your parents? No normal person does that!!

Please get away from this guy, his behaviour is NOT ACCEPTABLE!!!

And make sue to give the baby our surname, for legal reasons.

Best of luck

Nothing about this guy is cute. This is all fucking psycho. Especially continually bypassing you and going to your parents!!! Fucking hell!!!

Let him know that you will call the police if he turns up.
Follow through because he will inevitably turn up.
*Then call the police when he harasses your parents!!!

Be out elsewhere tonight.

If you even thought for a second that this behaviour was cute not terrifying then I'm afraid your boundaries are bonkers.

Probably best to block him completely. He's too dangerous to be in your life. Don't even put him on the birth certificate. Your baby doesn't need to be spending every other weekend with a psycho angry woman-hating drunk.

Absolutely stay away from him. A man who can't take no for an answer is dangerous. Consider contacting the police if he turns up at yours and won't go away. Look at Women's Aid advice for help

Do not put him on the birth certificate. If you decide that he should have contact with the baby later, research your options properly and take advice IRL as to what is appropriate. It sounds like supervised contact might suit you.

Wow OP.
He sounds completely unhinged.
He is abusive, controlling and from the sounds of it - downright dangerous to boot!

Do not be there tonight.
Can you stay somewhere else for tonight?
To even be there is putting yourself in a dangerous situation.

Please call 101. Ask for the DV team. He is harassing you and your family. That is a criminal offence and he needs to be warned off.
Tell them everything you have told us.
Ask them to put you on a priority call list so when you dial 999 they attend immediately.
I cannot stress enough how important this is to do.
You need to get his erratic and abusive behaviour on record.
This will help protect you and your DC in the future.

Please also call Womens Aid.
You ignored a huge amount of red flags here.
Please get some advice from them regarding 'restraining orders' or something similar.
They also run a course - the Freedom Programme / Project - ask about that when you talk to them. You need to attend this as soon as you can. You need to be able spot the abusive controlling behaviour far sooner than you did.
With a DC to protect, you need to do all you can right now.

I would be seriously considering whether to continue the pragnancy OP. You will be tied to him forever and he sounds dangerous. If you met him I would be worried he would stick you with something so you lose the baby.

Totally controlling. This had nothing to do with you, all about his feelings and what he wants to do. He couldn't give a shit about your feelings. Run away fast. Block. He won't stick around for the baby he didn't want so just block him.

The more I think about this the more worrying it is that the concern that instigated your original post was framed him being as either cute or controlling.

Cute implies sweet, innocent, loving, caring...

With the history involved I would have expected you to ask if it was protective or controlling / desperate or controlling / regretful or controlling / convincing or controlling etc.

It sounds like the relationship has really messed with your boundaries and sense of normal behaviour within a relationship that you would even consider using the word cute in the way you did.

I think it's worth considering some counselling ASAP to address the damage this relationship (or past experiences) has caused so you can keep yourself safer from similar men in the future.

Poor you, as if you need this on top of everything else

What do your parents think, btw?

You're going to be dealing with him for the next 18 years. I think you need to think really carefully about what you do now.

He's contacting your parents OP because he's 'triangulating'. Abusers often get other people involved to put pressure on the victim.

This is what you do regarding him turning up at your place:

Don't let him in. Don't answer the door. Don't answer his calls. If he bangs on the door or shouts, dial 999 and call the police. Explain that you have split up with your abusive boyfriend, that you are pregnant and you require urgent assistance as you are frightened. Then wait for the police.

Divert his number direct to voice mail and keep any abusive text message, emails or phone calls as evidence.

Inform your parents that he is abusive and you don't want them to communicate with him.

Contact Women's Aid and get support.

Do you have any family who live far, far away?

You are able to move a foetus as far away as you want from the father and the baby will be considered resident where it is born ... but not a baby. Courts can and do return already born children to the left behind parent. If you have the means to do so, move far and move now.

This man is highly alarming and, based on your update, I believe he could be a danger to both you and the baby.

It goes without saying - do not allow him into your home, do not ride with him in a car, do not meet him, do not find yourself alone with him at any time and for any reason.

Thank you for your responses.
I did indeed go with my gut and not go out with him tonight. I also made my feelings clear about us not being together, but it doesn't sound like he is going to give up trying just yet.

I will be 22 weeks on Friday :) I really want to keep this baby and do it alone, but I am worried about his rights and access and also the thought of having him around for the next 18 years makes me feel like I'd never be free.

I have already planned not to put him on the birth certificate and am in the process of trying to move house. But I was going to stay in the same city due to having a good family support network here. However moving far away from him, does sound appealing as I know I have more rights as a pregnant woman than when the baby is born.

it doesn't sound like he is going to give up trying just yet.

I am going to change one word.

it doesn't sound like he is going to give up harrassing me just yet.

I am normally all for paternal rights, but not in this case. He will use the baby to control you, and if he gets access then he may turn the child against you or abuse the child due to his obvious personality disorder. Why don't you tell him that you had a miscarriage, and just don't engage with him further. Get your parents on side, and explain the threat. They are important witness sources for legal agencies. Get the police involved and tell your GP/ midwife, and serve an injunction on this lunatic through the courts. You must not even give him a hint of hope that you will change your mind and 'comply' with his contact requests. He could really harm you or the baby, and lots of people on here have given you the same advice. You should make plans to quietly move address and change your phone number. If he is that obsessive, he will do anything to get at you and that may require a name change too. He is big trouble, and you must protect yourself and your baby. He sees you both as 'his' property, and that is a very bad thing indeed. You must see the danger that you are in, and act accordingly.

I agree with @scoobydoo1971
I'm the first to roll my eyes and think 'drama queen' sometimes when I see responses on here but in this case, after what you've posted, I think this man is a real danger to you and your baby and you need to take every step to ensure your, and your child's, safety.
Please get away from him OP