Cute or Controlling?

[Emmalina21]

I'll try and be brief, so I am pregnant but separated from the father to be.

After being in counselling and evaluating our relationship,I know (sadly) it cannot be.

We have only recently broken up though, so feelings are raw and it is hard to move on because he is still contacting me. Due to us having stuff to sort out, most of the time I have gone along with it.

However, he knows my feelings that after a few recent VERY bad disputes, I told him I can't go back from that.

He has now booked us a dinner reservation tonight, sent me a nice message wanting to start afresh, he'll be bringing flowers and says he isn't going anywhere.

He wants to make it work and with a baby on the way, I feel mean wanting to put a stop to it.

Anyway, as the title says, I'm debating whether I think this is cute or controlling because he is going to turn up tonight and I will feel awful having to reject him (even though deep down I know it is the right thing to do). I told him over the phone last night how it isn't the right time and I'm still hurt by everything. I even said we were not right for each other and can't see it working (we had had another disagreement before, so a date is the last thing I want as quite a lot of negative emotions are still present and need time to heal). He then said it is still booked, he will be outside mine at X time and it is up to me to show up. I know it is supposed to be a lovely gesture, but I feel pressured as I am trying to move on, but he is persistent in wanting to see me.

Despite me saying what I feel and where we are in all this, he wants a future with me while I see him as an ex.

Interested in hearing your thoughts and opinions :) Need to figure out what to do!

What windmill said.

Just another example of his total disrespect for your wishes and belief you should have no autonomy to make a decision.

He trying to control you so you are right to end the relationship. As regards the meal just don’t go, refuse the flowers and keep reiterating it’s over

How pregnant are you? If it's early days I'd seriously consider an abortion - obviously this may not be something you can or want to consider.
He sounds unhinged and extremely nasty.

Initially I thought the definitive controlling take was unfair, people can do romantic things because they won’t to be just that. Having seen your update it really feels coercive so stick to your instincts. You need to maintain a relationship with this guy however so try and be firm but polite when telling him you won’t be going. You don’t want to make the situation harder for yourself later on. I may get flamed for this but I am a fan of reverse manipulation for your own gain. Give a little so that you ultimately get what you want but don’t give what you don’t want/stab yourself in the foot by telling him to do one

By maintain relationship, I’m referring to co-parenting not romantic

This man is controlling and he still wants absolute power and control over you (and in turn any child you have by him).

Do not go to dinner with him; this again is just another attempt on his part to exert his power and control. This is a dangerous individual to be at all involved with.

You do not need to be co-parents. I would seriously consider giving the child your surname and be prepared also to go this alone. Never consider mediation with such a man, its a non starter because of his coercive control. Contacting Womens Aid now would be an excellent idea too particularly if you have not spoken to them in the past.

No to any reverse manipulation as well; this will just simply fan the flames. You need to have nothing to do with him going forward full stop. Do seek police involvement if necessary because your safety here is of paramount importance. Controlling men do not let go of their chosen target easily so you may indeed have problems with him going forward too.

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Cute ? Seriously ?

The man is a dangerously controlling psychopath.

Not cute m, controlling and abusive. Message him saying you will not be in tonight and then block him. I would consider going to a lawyer now and going through them for contact as I have a feeling this could all get messy. From someone that has experienced this and stayed I wish someone had made me leave sooner. He will not change and will never be good for you or your child.

Bobtheduvet spot on with advice dont put him on birth certificate - he didnt want the baby.

I know it will be tough going it alone but you’ll only have yourself and baby to worry about, but it would be much much much worse with the worry of him on at you as well. He’s not someone who can be trusted with a baby or be a good dad. You mentioned your family get them to help support you

Based on your update, controlling and bullying.

Goodness, you're in a pickle.
You're going to have this mess of a man around your neck like an albatross. He's the dad and believe me, he'll insist on being part of the baby's life just so he can continue to exert dominance over you. It will be very hard for you to move on into a stable relationship if this is how your ex behaves now. The baby will be his door stopper, giving him license to invade your life for all time. He doesn't want the baby. He wants to possess you. His definition of love is not the same as yours. Be careful.
If I were you, I'd move away. I'd go ghost.
I would not put him on the birth certificate.

This is beyond controlling, it's scary.

Manipulative behaviour indicating someone who always wants to be the "good guy" - yes I shouted at her but only because she doesn't know what's best. And look, I buy her flowers so I can't be an arsehole.

It sounds like you're close to your parents and at least they have seen him for what he is as men like this have a tendency to win over other people with fake charm while simultaneously isolating you.

I agree with all the other posters I wouldn't go out to dinner with him, if you do it this one time he'll learn that he can get whatever he wants from you and it'll get harder for you to break free from his behaviour. With everything you have said I would suggest seriously thinking about if you want to put him on the baby's birth certificate, if I'm correct (could he very wrong) not having him on there will make it harder for him to try and gain access or even custody however I also think him not being on there would mean you wouldn't easily get child support, so again you need to think about how you want your child to grow up and whether you think his behaviour will impact your child. And please record everything, save all message, date and time everything if he rings the doorbell record how often and how quickly (one after the other or keeping a gap in between) etc.

Controlling and scary. Pretending to be cute because he's manipulative enough to have worked out his best chance of hoovering you back in. You have already seen the real him and it's not cute at all.

Controlling

Controlling and dangerous.

He then said it is still booked, he will be outside mine at X time

Go out. Or stay in and phone the police when he continues to knock. Phone them every single time. Get it all documented with them from now on.

Misogynist. He wants to meet your father because he thinks men should be able to tell women what to do - exactly the logic as saying he will be there when you told him not to be. You will be completely and absolutely miserable if you take him back. This does not feel like a safe situation.

Scary and controlling. Do NOT meet him. Your instincts are absolutely righty.

OP, how pregnant are you? Do you think it's the best thing to have a baby with this man? Do you think he will be a good father, and do you want him in your life forever?

Tell him NO about tonight and say you are contacting the police, then do it. Get their advice.

Be out tonight. It's less hassle than sitting inside your flat listening to him repeatedly pressing your doorbell. Perhaps you could go to see your DPs.

Don't, whatever you do, go on this "date". Your instincts are warning you. Listen to them. This man is controlling and abusive and he could potentially be violent. Don't ignore the PPs warning that physical abuse often starts during pregnancy.

He is trying to control you. He may become quite dangerous.
I hope you continue to see your counselor- you will need their guidance & support.

Controlling nightmare as per pp. You need to cut contact as much as possible. Don't underestimate what men like this are capable of.

Don't put him on the birth certificate if you're determined to have the baby.

I think what you should be doing is informing your neighbours (in a note if you don't feel you can do face-to-face) not to let him into your building. I'm really worried for you that he is willing and able to show up to your apartment in the middle of the night when you're alone and vulnerable.