Ds challenging behaviour- think ex took to specialist and not consulted me

[cloudyscissors]

So abusive coercive ex, split a while back, ds 9 has v challenging behaviour and is on waiting list for cahms. Am resident parent, ex sees ds alternate wknds.

Ds mentioned daddy took him to see a dr in a house. He watched him play.
Lately, ds seems different when he comes back from ex. His behaviour used to peak as he hated going, but he seemed levelled out and I had some really nice intelligent conversations with him, not the usual meltdown and upset.

Call me mad or paranoid, but am seriously thinking ex has gone private behind my back, got a diagnosis ( probable adhd but trauma too) and got meds for just when he's at ex's.
From past experience I wouldn't put it past him. And he has the financial means.

I am fucking on my knees with the challenging behaviour and pretty desperate and isolated. Is this possible? Is it legal?

To clarify, ds behaviour deteriorates the next day.
I just know it's not a parenting style thing, as we've had this arrangement for a year and suddenly ds is focussed, non fidgety, calm even .

Ex made a huge fuss a month ago about accessing ds' medical records.

You can't ask him?

No, I have no contact as he was extremely abusive and used ds as a weapon, we have a third party to relay any important stuff. We had to flee to a refuge. All the usual. He is a madness maker.

He would hide my stuff and laugh at me, say I was losing my marbles. Loads oF awful stuff.
I think he's trying to show he's the better parent. 'Look at the difference in behaviour! I win! '

Ask your son, I mean. He's 9, so he's old enough to understand what medication is if his dad has been giving him something.

It’s positive though, right? The only difference is that xh has the financial means to help ds sooner. You need to access the information and prescription and get him on any medication full time, as it is having a beneficial effect.
Worst case scenario if you are unable to access him full time medication because of the camhs waiting list, ds will realise he is calmer and happier and able to concentrate at daddy’s house.
If you have a protection order, or everything has gone through courts because you are unable to contact directly, use your solicitor to seek confirmation.
Please don’t let sour grapes on your part/ a righteous sense of resentment about your own circumstances in contrast to dh’s prevent your son from getting the help he needs.
It’s a pisser that xh has managed to pay for a private service, and yes, he should have discussed it with you, but try and focus on the fact your ds has the help you have been trying to get for him, and figure out a way to allow him to benefit from that help full time.

I suppose it's possible that he has taken him to see an educational psychologist.

Surely your son would know if he was taking medication?

Are you yourself pursuing a diagnosis?

Yes we are on the long long waiting list.and desperate. I am in hell.

I totally would not jeopardise my ds chance at happiness by 'sour grapes '. I posted on the relationship boards rather than sen or lone parents as I just couldn't picture doing this myself- getting a diagnosis and meds to improve the life of ds just for the time I'm with him, and keeping it secret to sabotage and make the other parents life hard.
A knobbish thing to do.
So ds suffers two weeks then for three days improves then back to hell he goes.

I should've clarified. It was the dickish behaviour of ex I was highlighting.

Ds probably wouldn't know if he was on meds, to be honest. He is in a state of confusion a lot of the time, high anxiety hyperactivity.

Im not familiar with Uk settings but surely a mother would have right to access 9yo sons medical records????
And would a medicine given over a day or two have any significant efect on behaviour?

As soon as your son is back in your care, while he is clear thinking and still calm, ask him if his dad has given him any pills. If he is still medicated he should be able to answer you

Most meds if you're thinking ADHD are cumulative and take time to build up- would be unlikely to work in a weekend and then stop immediately the way you're describing. As others have said- can you ask the child if he's taking medication? Is he seeing someone every time he's at Dads or has he just gone a few times?

It’s positive though, right? The only difference is that xh has the financial means to help ds sooner.

That’s not really the issue is it? If OP’s child has been diagnosed with something and is being given medication sporadically, OP needs to know. Stopping and starting medication like this could be very bad for the child.

This isn’t sour grapes - if she’s right this is further abuse. He’s messing around with his son’s health rather than telling OP so their son can get the help he needs all the time, not just alternate weekends.

OP, can you check with the GP whether any private reports have been submitted? They may have sent a copy to the GP. Definitely ask your son if he’s taking any medicine at his dads but if he wanted to do he could disguise it in food etc.

That would be very irresponsible, to be dosing a child with medication and not letting a caregiver know about it. You could tell your suspicions to your child's doctor and have his blood tested I guess.

Many private doctors, re ASD and ADHD don't write to GP, unless requested to do so by parents.

@nachthexe It’s positive though, right?

Not if the child is medicated, and only when he is with dad. Messing with meds will make things harder, not easier.

If he is on meds, it needs to be consistent, and op should be aware.

Maybe he’s calmer because he’s seen a psychologist who is working with him rather than meds? Could you ask his school to find out or the 3rdparty?

ADHD meds are NOT cumulative- so once they have 'worn off' (at most, after 8 hours), they will no

Go to the dr they will need to have been involved and informed of prescriptions

Sorry - posted too soon. Once ADHD meds have worn off (after 8 hours at the longest), they will no longer be effective. They are almost always taken in tablet form so your son would know if he was taking them.

Could be anti-anxiety meds (eg fluoxetine) but again your son would need to keep taking every day to maintain effectiveness.

Sounds like your son saw a psychologist perhaps? Or a play therapist.

Agree that your ex DH shouldn't be taking your son to such a specialist without your consent. Does sound like the specialist has been helpful though?

Could you ask your son if he's been more than once?

Do you and ex-DH have Court orders between you that address these sorts of issues?

That’s a terrible thing if it’s happening. Just when I think I’ve read the worst things that a man ( or ex partner of any type really) can do in their pursuit of hurting the other partner, and using their child as a pawn to do this.

Utterly vile.

I meant the dose is usually started small, and increased in dose and times administered, regarding ADHD- usually takes two weeks to get to the optimal dose.

I would be extremely surprised that a private psychologist would diagnose and then medicate a child for ADHD without first seeking the views of the main caregiver. It's almost unethical!
What have school said? The protocol is for psychologists to contact school before diagnosis to see what the child is like in a different setting to the home.
OP, you have been through a traumatic time and the impact that it hasn't had on your DS cannot be dismissed. It may be that you would benefit from doing a PPP course in order to fully support him.
BTW, if your DS was being given ADHD meds so sporadically, i.e. Just for a couple of days over a fortnight, the effect on him would be quite negligible. As this is a controlled drug, your son's GP will have been informed. Give the Gp a ring to see if they have any information.

If your son is calm initially on his return, that is your opportunity to talk with your son and ask if Daddy is giving him anything special to eat, any tablets or special drinks; and whether Daddy takes him to see anybody or has visitors (e.g. a psychologist).

You do also however need to consider that your son might simply like his Dad, that his Dad is doing the right kind of activities and handling him in the right way. You don't know.

One visit to a child psychologist couldn't result in a diagnosis of adhd as there is a diagnostic pathway even in private work, which involves assessments with more than just psychology to get meds.

Sporadic use is dangerous. If your child can't tell you if he is being given meds every other weekend I don't know how you would know.

I did wonder if he is being given something like diazepam?

Your GP may not have been copied in.

Well, I have past experience of ex 'dosing' as it were. He has a personality disorder and needs to be in control. So although I think 'this is nuts, I'm being hysterical ' ( his description of me) he did resort to drugging me and others if situations weren't going his way. I hesitate to use the much used term narc, but there I've said it. I got out. It's hard to prove.
He is capable of grinding up meds, whatever they may be, and giving them unknown to recipient. And he pops diazepam like it's nothing, travels abroad and gets all his meds there. So ....I don't know.

I sound nuts. I know. I will get third party to tactfully mention ds talked about visiting a dr. He's very vengeful and you have to manage him.

Big fat sigh. Life is very hard at the moment. It would be lovely to think he is just handling ds well and things are good for them. I wish it could take the pressure of me.

Thanks for your replies.