Ds challenging behaviour- think ex took to specialist and not consulted me

[cloudyscissors]

So abusive coercive ex, split a while back, ds 9 has v challenging behaviour and is on waiting list for cahms. Am resident parent, ex sees ds alternate wknds.

Ds mentioned daddy took him to see a dr in a house. He watched him play.
Lately, ds seems different when he comes back from ex. His behaviour used to peak as he hated going, but he seemed levelled out and I had some really nice intelligent conversations with him, not the usual meltdown and upset.

Call me mad or paranoid, but am seriously thinking ex has gone private behind my back, got a diagnosis ( probable adhd but trauma too) and got meds for just when he's at ex's.
From past experience I wouldn't put it past him. And he has the financial means.

I am fucking on my knees with the challenging behaviour and pretty desperate and isolated. Is this possible? Is it legal?

*off

He dosed you during your relationship? That's a cracking drip feed if that is in anyway true I would be going to the dr and asking them for help and a hair follicle check

Just reading your posts and wonder if something else is happening to your child while he is away which is why he is awful at home with you. I know you can’t be sure but was it a doctor he saw.

He dosed you during your relationship? That's a cracking drip feed if that is in anyway true I would be going to the dr and asking them for help and a hair follicle check
Yep me too. If he has access to diazepam seems far more likely he is giving that to DS than he has got a doc involved without telling you.

Most meds if you're thinking ADHD are cumulative and take time to build up- would be unlikely to work in a weekend and then stop immediately the way you're describing.

Absolutely wrong. It's the exact opposite. Ritalin based drugs have no half-life whatsoever. They work instantly, and when the dose wears off after eight hours, it's as if the child has never taken it.

I would definitely contact your doctor, by the way. Even if your son isn't aware of taking any tablets, your ex could be crushing them into his food.

I don't think it would be possible for a diagnosis of ADHD to be made without involving you op. School would need to be involved also.

This is a massive safeguarding issue. I would be contacting social services to be honest, now you have updated about him druggin people in the past. Also him witholding information on his medical diagnosis or medication is wrong on so many levels, that in itself is a safeguarding issue.

All this has come out in family court and I stated my experiences but it was all minimised. I have to be seen to be supportive of the contact or I will be accused of alienation.

I contacted gp but they won't do tests so I'd have to go private. If I bring all this up again ex is going to drag me back to court and it is a miserable and shaming experience.
The message is get on with it. It really is a case of don't make a fuss as you will be causing ds anxiety and be a bad parent.

Be gracious. Push through the regressive behaviour.

We have a social worker and they are aware of the abuse. And school.

I didn't mean to drip feed, I've been programmed to not assume the abuse I experienced would carry on with ds. I have to be happy smiley mum supporting him have a relationship with his dad.

In that case, I would pay to get an independent hair and urine test when he comes back from contact. I am sorry you are being let down by the services, sounds horrendous for you all.

Thanks. It's pretty shit but I'm resilient. X

Ds1 has ADHD he has meds week days for school (not a weekends as he barley eats on medication) he takes 1 tablet at 8am and a top up at school at 12.30 (1/3 dose) by 4 he is clear of meds and hungry.
His teachers can spot if he hasn't had his med's within 5 minutes if him being at school. I only see him 'on meds' if I go along on a school trip or help out in class.... The change in him is unbelievable

Op, you are the resident parent you have a right to know.
Is he basically drugging your son? Is your son at risk? Yes he is
If the ex got him seen privately good if he is on meds good but you have a right to know.

This ex of yours is holding power over you. Speak to social worker and tell them what your son has said and how he behaves when he gets home.
At the very least they can try and find out.

I think it is very unlikely that he achieved a diagnosis and a prescription without any involvement of school, GP or main caregiver.

I know you are on a waiting list for CAMHS but that would not be usual route to a diagnosis. What are school saying?

School are observing with a view to applying for an EHCP after the ed psych sees him in Jan.

Ds mentioned visiting this dr many months ago.

The meds don't work instantly, they take days, even weeks to get into their system. It's not like flicking a switch.

If he is dosing your child with diazepam this is dangerous adults themselves are monitored closely on them and my dr would only let me have a few low doses for my issues.

If he has form for this please protect your child

Back again! Ok upon thinking I've googled and amazon do test strips for diazapam you need a pee sample when he is compliant at home

Also get the court transcript where the doping is discussed and show him if he still refuses to consider it and if the pee test shows positive I would change drs

Just ask him whether he's taking medication or not, when he first gets back & is calm.

Did he tell you what the dr did or asked him to do? A private appt with an Ed Psych would've taken several hours.

OP, how do you know your DS behaves well when he's with his DF? You're not there.
I find it very hard to believe that when you reported that your ex was drugging you the police did not complete a hair strand test to prove or disprove such a serious allegation. That's some crime he's committing. Then to go on to allege that he said now doing the same to your DS is even more worrying. If you really believe that's what is happening, you should go to the police immediately and they will take action.

If, however, your allegations are not able to be proven then you really need to consider what you're trying to achieve.

Obviously no one on here knows you, neither do they know your ex or DS. However, some of your posts just don't make sense or ring true.

@FoamingAtTheUterus

The meds don't work instantly, they take days, even weeks to get into their system. It's not like flicking a switch.

Not true, Foaming. We have many children on ADHD meds in school. We can tell very quickly if they have not had a dose, and it takes around half an hour for the effects to take place once they do take it. It's very very obvious.

You have a legal right to know if your ds has seen a doctor as you have PR. Quite how you enforce that right if it is a private appointment, I don’t know. But I also don’t think a formal diagnosis could be given without observation in school etc and your input.

The fact that DS is compliant and then after a while is not suggests something is going on, if this is a consistent pattern of behaviour, though.

Having been though court with an abusive ex, I can completely believe what you are saying about ex’s behaviour being minimised and having to facilitate contact.

Have you mentioned your concerns to social services? Or your GP?

@50FoamingAtTheUterus what are basing your statement on?

ADHD meds work quickly after taking them and it is very easy to see when a child is unmedicated.

"The fact that DS is compliant and then after a while is not suggests something is going on, "

There could be other reasons why ds comes back from his father calm and compliant.

OP, I really think your ds is old enough to talk more about an Ed Psych appointment, and about taking medication at his dad's house, if those things have happened.

Again, I cannot see how a diagnosis with prescription could take place without the knowledge of you, the school and/or DS's GP.

If he is being dosed he wont know it will be crushed and put in his food