Giving an ex a second chance

[Melissa58]

Hi all

So I was with a guy for 13 years, we had two children together but spilt the end of last year. Throughout the relationship I gave my all, he was great at times and loving but proposed twice and both times backed out due to his 'personal issues' with commitment and marriage. He would never get a joint bank account. He controlled every penny when I was out of work caring for our babies before returning to work. Even then I'd pay all childcare costs with my low income and nothing was dealt with as a couple. Towards the end, he was nasty and spoke badly towards me even in front of my kids. After 13 years of giving chance after chance I finally ended it for good.

I built myself up after he'd destroyed me mentally and emotionally, I became independent and started to enjoy being single. Then about five months ago he pleads for another chance, says he's a changed man, it'll all be different this time. I said I was happy single and just wanted to find myself, maybe go on a few dates. He basically said it's him or dating as he's not waiting around (I never asked or expected him to). Me being me gave into the pressure and said I'll give it another shot.

So four months back together, he's doing everything right and trying to make me happy, doing the things I longed for before. He's even gone as far as getting the snip because the pill has never agreed with me, no contraceptive has. He did that two months in when I said don't do it for me, you must be sure and do it for yourself. He says he doesn't want anymore kids, but also now says we know he did it for me.
No matter how hard I try though, my feings towards him are not the same as they once was. Everything is forced for me. Sometimes I'm content and think I can make it work, especially for the sake of the children and him as I don't want to hurt him. I'm not in love with him anymore though, and I wonder will I get this back. I don't know what to do for the best and how long I should give it! It's consuming me and making me miserable.

Keep strong. He doesn't get to not accept it. It only takes one person to say a relationship is over, for it to be over. He is so manipulative! He knows what buttons to press to get you off balance and unsure of yourself, and he's going through the whole control panel.

Tell him that if he really loves you, he will give you the time and space that you need. If he keeps hassling you then clearly he doesn't love you.

I hope you can see through the manipulation he is obviously applying at any cost. You will probably have to stonewall him until he realises that it doesn’t matter what he does, he is not affecting you anymore. Until you do this, I’m afraid you will leave yourself open to his bullshit. He is an adult who is responsible for his own feelings and actions! Just concentrate on you, your self belief and your child/children xxx

One thing to remember is that abusers don't like to let go of their victims. Victims are hard to find and even harder to 'train' to accept the abuse.

This is why he's panicking about losing you. It has nothing to do with love. It has to do with the fact that he's losing his victim. He'll do and say anything to keep you because he doesn't want to have to 'find and train' a new one.

Just be true to yourself. You know you deserve much more than you've had with him. Keep on walking!

I have never classed myself as a victim or him as an abuser but it's certainly interesting and enlightening to see people's views and how my relationship comes across to others. So many years of him being in control, and I didn't see much harm in it for the most part as he convinced me that's the way it is and that it's perfectly fine that he controlled all finances leaving me with nothing whilst bringing our two children up, that its okay to never have holidays or any breaks away even when we could afford it, convinced me it's okay that I wait 10 years for a proposal then blame me for him getting itchy feet months before we book it because I didn't give him a 'break' on the subject. Even now, he says I have to accept blame for that. After waiting 13 years, i was excited to finally marry and be able to talk about it! Only for him to have a wobble and say he wants a breather on the subject.

whether he accepts it or not is irrelevant... it is how you respond to this refusal of acceptance that defines what he does now..

Stop replying to his embarrassingly 'late by 13 years' declarations of undying love.. He doesn't love or respect you .. he's lost his home comforts that is all...

Find your self respect and dignity and kick this TWAT to the kerb.

In many ways it's a good thing you didn't marry him. No dealing with the stress, cost and hassle of a divorce.

Finding a woman who will tolerate what you did isn't easy...he wants you under his control.

You have seen the light and he struggled with that. Tough...its his problem.

You just need to coparent.

You can always tell him it wouldn't be fair to him (or you) being in a relationship, where you couldn't love him in the way you want to love a partner.

He's treated you as a lesser person and that's not forgotten just like that.

Stay strong.

What you describe in your last post is the epitome of coercive control. And that definitely is a form of abuse. Abuse is not always physical. Some of the worst abuse is mental and emotional.

If you don't want to think of yourself as a victim, that's fine. Think of yourself as a survivor. You've gotten out. Don't let him entice you back in with empty words and promises.

Well done on ending it. You know everything he's saying now is designed to mess with your head - you need to cut off the stream of contact because that's the remaining control he has over you.

I'm guessing he's messaging you? If so you need to mute or block him - blocking would be ideal but if you need to communicate with him about the children then that may not be an option. The longer you go on reading these messages in real time, the longer he continues to take up space in your brain.

Yes he's messaging. Tonight he came over to see the children, then hangs about when they go to bed and tries it on. When I turn him down, he goes nasty on me and storms out. We've just broke up, it's not the way to act is it?! :(

💐 no that is not the way to act

I think our point is proved by his actions! He is desperately trying to get you back under his control. Be very careful OP. We are in new territory here. He is desperate. Desperate people do desperate things.

I think it's time to ban him from the house. Or at the very least, not be alone with him.

My ex did the same thing. He was very insulted that I turned him down shoved him away and wiped my mouth off. After all, "it's not like you haven't put out for me before".🤮

Listen to what he says.

Watch how he acts.

How he acts is the truth of who he is. Not what he says.

It's so hard isn't it but I know I am better off alone 😔

You certainly are! Anywhere in peace is better than with an abusive twat.