Giving an ex a second chance

[Melissa58]

Hi all

So I was with a guy for 13 years, we had two children together but spilt the end of last year. Throughout the relationship I gave my all, he was great at times and loving but proposed twice and both times backed out due to his 'personal issues' with commitment and marriage. He would never get a joint bank account. He controlled every penny when I was out of work caring for our babies before returning to work. Even then I'd pay all childcare costs with my low income and nothing was dealt with as a couple. Towards the end, he was nasty and spoke badly towards me even in front of my kids. After 13 years of giving chance after chance I finally ended it for good.

I built myself up after he'd destroyed me mentally and emotionally, I became independent and started to enjoy being single. Then about five months ago he pleads for another chance, says he's a changed man, it'll all be different this time. I said I was happy single and just wanted to find myself, maybe go on a few dates. He basically said it's him or dating as he's not waiting around (I never asked or expected him to). Me being me gave into the pressure and said I'll give it another shot.

So four months back together, he's doing everything right and trying to make me happy, doing the things I longed for before. He's even gone as far as getting the snip because the pill has never agreed with me, no contraceptive has. He did that two months in when I said don't do it for me, you must be sure and do it for yourself. He says he doesn't want anymore kids, but also now says we know he did it for me.
No matter how hard I try though, my feings towards him are not the same as they once was. Everything is forced for me. Sometimes I'm content and think I can make it work, especially for the sake of the children and him as I don't want to hurt him. I'm not in love with him anymore though, and I wonder will I get this back. I don't know what to do for the best and how long I should give it! It's consuming me and making me miserable.

He isn’t listening because he knows you arent 100% sure and because he’s a manipulator.

How very dare you have a mind of your own and make a decision without his permission OP, you silly girl, type thing.

It’s now a challenge for him to win. Just be careful. Because when he sets out to ‘win your heart’ type thing he will play the game and give it 100% and you could end up being taken in by his shenanigans thinking he’s changed.

Write down all the bad things and the arguments and how he made you feel etc and keep a hold of it somewhere safe to remind yourself of what he is capable of. Especially the stuff about when you thought he’d changed before and how he hadn’t.

Good luck OP.

No.
Don't
Just don't.
Value yourself.
And fuck him. Don't let him manipulate you.

I have repeated this mantra to myself for a while now. 'Your emotional wellbeing does not trump mine'

Are you alright, OP?
.

He's abusive, Melissa. Keep reminding yourself of this. He will never change. He is an abuser. He's still abusing you and he'll never stop. Ever. Being with no one is better than being with him. He's a cunt, an abusive arsehole.

No I'm not okay, he's making the break up so hard cos he won't let go of me and because he's in touch with his emotions for the first time in his life, he's showing alot of upset etc so I'm worried about his mental health and if he'll get suicidal again.

Put Yourself First!!!!

His mental health is his problem, not yours. And if he threatens suicide, call 999 and report it. Again (and sorry to sound harsh) it is not your problem.

Can you get him out of the house? Because he is playing you like a fiddle. You need to get him away from you so you can regroup yourself and find your strength.

You are not responsible for him.

Yes he's out the house, he doesn't live with me and hasn't since we split earlier in the year.
I just need to get through Christmas and try to remain firm and strong because he predicts we'll be back together and happy. He knows there's some feelings there still from me which is why he's pushing it so much. But regardless of that, it doesn't change the fact of how he's treated me and why I ended it in the first place.

We’ll done op
Give yourself space restrict contact . Do not discuss your relationship .

He isn’t listening because your opinion doesn’t matter ( to him )only what he needs.

He proves over and over again he is simply switching his emotions to suit . Do expect him to proclaim his is suicidal , realise this , that . It’s all part of the game which is why you need to restrict contact.

Apologies! For some reason I thought he'd moved back in.

Just 'grey rock' as much as you can and ignore any 'emotionality' from him. Block communications as much as you can. I know it's hard when there are DC involved. You know what is right for you. What he 'knows' doesn't mean squat.

I highly doubt his prediction if “you’ll be back together and happy” will ever come true. The only way he will be happy is if you do everything he says. He doesn’t want you to have a mind or opinion if your own. Only his. You know he will promise the earth and if that fails threaten suicide.

Ignore his promises and if he threatens suicide phone 999 and get him help. His mental health is his responsibility. Not yours. And he’ll soon get fed up of trying to manipulate you with threatened lies about suicide if the police or ambulance keep turning up at his door!

I feel like you are playing a game with him that if he proves himself enough you’ll take him back. Like a power struggle to “make him” do stuff that’s nice for you.

Games like that only end in someone getting hurt.

He can jump through your hoops but look back at the life you have had. Do you really want more if the same?

He can’t keep up being nice. He can only play a nice guy for a tiny period of time as he isn’t nice.

Even when you dumped him he was being nasty to you. That was his opportunity to beg forgiveness but he used it to say nasty things to make you cry.

Walk away. In six months time see how you feel about him. I think the split will make you see him for what he is. Aim your sights higher. You deserve to be happy.

I'm honestly not playing any game and would never use anyone to have things done for me. He's the one who's trying too hard to keep me and I've said to him he's trying too hard. I've said more than once it's over and he's not listening. One minute he's saying he hates me and I've ruined Christmas for him, the next he's saying we'll be back together. The mind games are making me ill to be honest. I need him to back off, I'm trying to stay nice for the children but I don't think it can stay that way in order to get rid properly :(

@Melissa58
Stay strong, OP. This man will pull out all the stops to get you back - but he destroyed your relationship with his behaviour and you and your DCs are so much better out of it. I’ve not been in this situation but there are other posters who have left abusive situations and resisted the love-bombing that follows as the partner tries to lure them back and can testify to how much better their lives are as a result. Hang on to the thought of the bright future you’re working towards. Do you have anyone you can talk to in RL to let off steam? If he starts to become unpleasant, that may give grounds to apply for a non-molestation order.

Yes I'm lucky that I have friends and family I can turn to. He even said I need to spend my time alone instead of running to family so I know what it's truly like to be alone! Why would I when I can get support I need?!

He even said I need to spend my time alone instead of running to family

He doesn't get to decide who you seek support from.

He hasn't changed and even if he has, your feelings have also changed.

He needs to accept and understand that.

The fact he turns nasty the moment he knows I have doubts and he doesn't get his own way tells me he hasn't changed

The fact he turns nasty the moment he knows I have doubts and he doesn't get his own way tells me he hasn't changed

Exactly. He hasn't really changed. It's an act to reel you in.

If he had genuinely changed, he would accept your decision and just strive to build a good coparenting relationship, in the best interest of your children.

At the end of the day if he emigrated, you would manage just fine.

My DH lives with me and I don't rely on him for car repairs. You can do just fine without his favours.

Why is he concerned who you go to for support? It's nothing but controlling behaviour. He wants you to isolate yourself and be alone.

Well you don't live on a deserted island, so why should you be alone.

This is not a changed man...not by a long shot.

The idea of him with someone else does bother me, but possibly because it's so raw, as it didn't bother me when we was apart. But he's been playing with sceneries in my head by saying I'll have failed relationships then think 'f*ck' when he gets with someone.
And saying I won't cope without him, and good luck finding someone like him! Just messing with my head.

These are all things being said to grind you down. All good man wouldn't do this.

If he does get with someone else, then I feel sorry for them...because deep down, he's still the same manipulative person he always was.

The truth is he is probably scared that you'll get with someone else and he cant stand the idea.

I attended an event last week for international white ribbon day...two speakers spoke about their experiences in relation to violence, manipulation and coercive control. A lot of this included eroding confidence.... it sounds like he did this to you.

You wouldn't want your child treated like this and him behaving as he did shows he has no regard for you. Is that his opinion of women or just how he thought you should be treated.

You can survive without him. He just wants to make you think you can't.

Thank you all so much for your continued support on here. I'm finding it harder second time around ending the relationship, and I think that's because of him claiming he's changed and pulling out all the stops so I think of what could be. But he showed his true colours when I said I had doubts about us. The only thing that's changed is that he will now go on holidays, and actually do family things instead of being scared of spending money. But the important things like how he talks to me, deep down hasn't changed.
It's hard as the children were so happy when we got back together but they heard the way he was with me this weekend and my 10 year old Son came to comfort me as knew I was upset. I don't want my children around that.

He may have genuinely changed...but so have you. It’s not the same game now. He knows this and can sense it.

It’s the old adage...treat em mean...

Cannot undo 13 years in four months love..
You know him better than he knows himself and you also know that this mask will slip..

He said you should be alone for a while to further isolate you from those who would seek to split you up by telling you the truth. He wants you alone and pining for him. He doesn’t want you with family in case they tell you to dump his worthless ass. If a ten year old can see he’s hurting you then you are right that it’s time to go. You are both scared of being alone but it’s fine. You will be ok with your friends and family. You really don’t need him. He’s not changed. He’s no loss to you. You’re a million times better off without him. I can’t remember if you are married or not but if he’s a skinflint he’s prob thinking of how much you will take from him in the divorce. Yet another reason for him to want to keep you as his servant and whipping boy. You get half of his assets and you bloody well deserve them. Leave him and be happy. I know it’s easier said than done but can it be any worse than what you’ve been through to have a quiet home away from him. Sounds bliss!!

No we're not married, something he had an issue with and proposed twice to back out both times. But apparently now wants to marry more than ever!

I am so thankful I have seen this post today 🙏🏼 I could have written it myself, I have been separated from my ex for 18 months, it’s taken a long time to get to the point where we are friendly to each other and he has sworn he has changed and wants us to give things another go.
I have been back and forth with it myself, for the same reasons as you OP, children, family times, etc but ultimately I am not in love with him although I will always have love for him as my children’s father.
The difference between our situations is that I have had an honest conversation with him about not being in love with him, and his response was that if the feelings don’t come back, then they don’t, and we move on, as we both need to be happy. This has taken all the pressure off us however deep down I don’t think I will ever feel the same about him again.....he needed me to leave him to realise what he had and that’s not good enough.
OP I hope you will stay strong and focused no matter what he throws at you, I am apprehensive about not being able to meet someone new but I have faith that my next relationship will be the best one yet xxxx sending love 💜

@Theoldwillo sounds just like me! Aside from the fact my ex won't accept it, which is what's giving me doubts and he's well and truly got in my head like he wanted to. And it just makes the whole heartbreaking situation so much worse, as he's making me feel so guilty for not being in love with him. It's unfortunate when they need to lose us to know what they had, but as you say it's not good enough! I didn't need to lose him to realise I wanted to marry him and spend my life with him, and that's even with him controlling me etc!