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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do reconcile what I want with ruining dh’s life?

77 replies

Waitingforwednesday · 18/11/2019 19:54

I want to leave. I want to end my marriage. I’ve two primary aged children and I know it should be enough to make me stay but it’s not.
There are many small things that make me want out but really, in many ways it’s never been right from my point of view.
However for dh - this is it. I am it. He loves me.
Part of me feels I should stay in the marriage (married 17 years) just because of that. I care about him but I don’t want to be married to him anymore. How do I reconcile that with ruining his life and maybe the lives of my children? I feel so guilty all the time that I feel this way.

These are my reasons for wanting out:
We don’t have sex. Like three times in four years.
We do nothing together as a couple and very little as a family.
Dh does what he wants of a weekend and it rarely involves us.
He’s borderline financially abusive.
We have nothing in common. The evenings are spent basically in silence with him watching whatever he wants on the tv - because it’s his tv - and me just sitting there.
He is deeply suspicious of me. He tells me I look ‘too nice to go out without him’ and says things like ‘you look a bit too nice to be going to the shop. Where are you really going?’
He tells me I’m his and im never allowed to leave him. Asks me how much I love him and whatever I say it’s never enough - and it feels false too.
He has a temper. He will be beyond livid if I leave him.

There’s no one major thing. He’s not a terrible person. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. I feel like it’s him or me. Either he can be happy or I get a chance at being happy.

OP posts:

GiveHerHellFromUs · 19/11/2019 04:08

OP he's awful. He's abusive, manipulative and controlling.

Your DCs will be old enough to see that soon. Is this what you want them to think love is?

You've given this vile man 17 years of your life. It's time to reclaim it. You deserve so much better.

blackcat86 · 19/11/2019 04:10

Ignore clouds and rainbows as that would all put you at great risk. A man who controls you, sees you as a possession and has a temper is not going to just accept you sleeping in the spare room or sitting down or a breakup chat. You need proper DV support to leave safely and start a wonderful new life with your DC

cordeliavorkosigan · 19/11/2019 04:17

He sounds terrible to me. And to all of us.

Do you want your DC feeling constantly rejected? Knowing that you and they aren't important enough for him to spend time on?

If your dd was in a marriage like this, what would you tell her? Your best friend?

We get one life on this earth. Don't spend it with this tosser. You all deserve someone who loves you, not like they love their car, but as a human being that they want to spend time with, be with, understand how that person feels and thinks, learn from them, laugh with them, have picnics /see films/ bake stuff / go out with and all of that!

finn1020 · 19/11/2019 04:51

Why should you ruin your life by staying with him?

You won’t ruin your kids lives by leaving. Staying is teaching them all they can expect as an adult in a relationship is a crap, abusive and controlling partner. So potentially they will mirror your behaviour or their father’s behaviour in their own future relationships. Is that the future life you want for them? Be a better role model, plan how to leave, and leave.

Pixxie7 · 19/11/2019 05:12

Don’t stay in an unhappy marriage the kids will adapt. However you sound like you are a bit frightened of your Dh, if that is the case you need to get out.

over50andfab · 19/11/2019 05:33

We don’t have sex. Like three times in four years.
We do nothing together as a couple and very little as a family.
Dh does what he wants of a weekend and it rarely involves us.
He’s borderline financially abusive.
We have nothing in common. The evenings are spent basically in silence with him watching whatever he wants on the tv - because it’s his tv - and me just sitting there.

I was married the a man like that. He also didn’t like me going out with my friends. Men like that are not nice husbands. They are selfish and selfish absorbed and do not know how to be part of a family, let alone be loving partners.

Assuming that you have mentioned all the things to him you’re not happy with - suggested family trips, going out as a couple, watching something you both want to see on tv etc, then if he has not tried to put the effort into the marriage and your family, why should you?

MsConstrue · 19/11/2019 06:33

He sounds terrible - abusive and controlling. My ex used to say I belonged to him. It's not love, it's ownership, control and possession. You have lots of reasons to leave him.

And if you can't think of a good one, think about what your children are learning about relationships from this. Do you want them to think it's the norm?

Original poster

Waitingforwednesday · 19/11/2019 11:50

I don’t know. I feel so trapped.
I don’t know whether I’m just overreacting to things. If I leave I will have to find somewhere to live first and get all my stuff out the house when he isn’t in. I think it’s the only safe way to do it, but maybe that’s an overreaction too.
I mean no one’s partner would be happy to be told they were being left would they, so I can’t expect him to be ok with it and just to say ‘oh you stay here with the children, i’ll go.’

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 19/11/2019 11:59

You’re not overreacting.

You feel unsafe - listen to your instincts.

Perhaps seek practical advice and help from a womens organisation and look up info on preparing to leave as safely as possible - clear your search history.

Most people would indeed be v v unhappy about their partner leaving, and may not agree to move out of a shared property, but most would not abuse or threaten their partner/ex or withhold money.

Branleuse · 19/11/2019 12:07

He doesnt own you OP. Despite what he says. Hes self centred and controlling, and of course he wants you to stay as his property, but he isnt even trying to make you happy. He just wants you there.

You dont get another shot at life. Youll regret it if you waste your whole life with him. Youve certainly tried for long enough.

HollowTalk · 19/11/2019 12:10

Are you saying you'd leave the children behind, OP?

Branleuse · 19/11/2019 12:11

please dont leave your children with him

Original poster

Waitingforwednesday · 19/11/2019 12:11

No the children would of course come with me.

OP posts:

TowelNumber42 · 19/11/2019 12:12

Go get yourself somewhere to live and move out by stealth. So what if such secrecy wasn't strictly necessary for your safety? It doesn't do any harm to move out like that does it? Better safe than sorry. Plan your exit.

Branleuse · 19/11/2019 12:17

It wont ruin his life. It ill piss him off and upset him for a while definitely, but it wont ruin his life.

Even if it WAS going to. You dont pay for someone elses happiness with your own.

Sandals19 · 19/11/2019 12:20

No wonder you want out.

He'll be fine. That's not really love on his part - or if it is its a v unhealthy, dysfunctional, selfish, controlling type of "love" that anyone could do without.

Your kids will adjust too - many have.

Sandals19 · 19/11/2019 12:21

He'll soon get a new victim, I wouldn't worry.

FizzyGreenWater · 19/11/2019 12:24

It's not an overreaction, no.

I would indeed find somewhere else to live and then hire a van when he is out, make sure I have big burly support helping in case he comes back mid-load, and I woudl go.

That is definitely the best plan.

12345kbm · 19/11/2019 12:27

Look OP, it is overwhelming. Any major change in life is overwhelming and the break up of a long relationship, where children are involved is overwhelming.

Step one. Call Women's Aid or get in contact with your local DV organisation which you can find here: www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Step Two: Get legal advice regarding separation. You can take a look at the CABx website which has a lot of information on how to separate or divorce. You can get a list of appropriate solicitors from the CABx or your local DV organisation may be able to point you in the right direction. www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/how-to-separate/deciding-what-to-do-when-you-separate/ (This is for England and divorce laws are different for different parts of the UK).

Step Three: You may not have to leave the property. You need legal advice on that and you need safety advice on how to minimise risk.

You need to start making plans to leave OP. You can't remain in this relationship.

KevinKlineSwoon · 19/11/2019 12:40

I could have written this post myself 7 years ago. Someone told me then "if you wonder if you deserve better, you do". Leaving was the single best thing I have ever done. My children's lives are great and we are happy. I am still dealing with his anger and frustration but I no longer give a shit.

ShadowOnTheSun · 19/11/2019 12:58

I'm very sorry for being snarky, really don't mean to. But it always amazes me when OP says something along the lines: 'he's a good, kind, decent man, and he loves me. I have to reason to leave. Well, there are a couple of tiny things'...and then proceeds to list truly horrible stuff.

So, this man 'loves you immensely', but is:
Obsessed, very controlling, you don't have anything in common, don't do things as a couple or family, practically don't communicate with each other, haven't had sex for 4 years, he just sits there watching 'his' tv with 'his accessory' (you) beside him, he does whatever the hell he wants and is also financially abusive.

I mean... So what makes him a 'good man'? That he doesn't drink to oblivion and bash you senseless every night? That's a bit of a low bar. Of course you have a 'right' to leave him and you damn well should. He's an abusive asswipe.

REignbow · 19/11/2019 13:13

@Waitingforwednesday

There are two threads on this board where two women have just escaped. They escaped when their DH’s were out and just left.

Please call women’s aid and get a plan together, as the reason why you are thinking that you are overreacting is because he has conditioned you to be this way.

He is abusive. Your children are witnessing it and probably also walking on eggshells.

5LeafClover · 19/11/2019 13:47

for you. You are in a controlling relationship. I'm so sorry. His version of love is about himself and his needs. He is testing you about how much you love him to make sure he has you under control.

The feelings (trapped/ afraid/ unhappy) are self preservation. You're not being treated as an equal so you've got a habit of self doubt. You are allowed to end the relationship because of how he is treating you.

It's not straight forward....hes unlikely to shake your hand and 'consciously uncouple' but you can get out.

Talk to women's aid, a counsellor and a solicitor ( ask them not to post invoices to the house) Talk to friends about how live really is for you. If you can afford to move out, do it. Do not talk to him to be fair/ help him/ have one last try. He is not your friend and it might escalate ( physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, financial abuse).

If you are afraid of his temper your children will know that and they will be too. Be brave and act, every step you take to get away is a step in the right direction.

lazylinguist · 19/11/2019 16:38

There’s no one major thing. He’s not a terrible person.

All the things you mentioned are major. And yes, he is a terrible person- that is perfectly obvious from your description.

Why would you even be worrying about ruining the happiness of a man who treats you this way?! And no, he doesn't love you. The way he behaves is possession, not love. Do not stay for the sake of your children - do you want them to grow up with this model of family life and thinking that this is how a partner should be treated?

pearses · 19/11/2019 16:49

He sounds terrible.

That is no way to live.

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