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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do reconcile what I want with ruining dh’s life?

77 replies

Waitingforwednesday · 18/11/2019 19:54

I want to leave. I want to end my marriage. I’ve two primary aged children and I know it should be enough to make me stay but it’s not.
There are many small things that make me want out but really, in many ways it’s never been right from my point of view.
However for dh - this is it. I am it. He loves me.
Part of me feels I should stay in the marriage (married 17 years) just because of that. I care about him but I don’t want to be married to him anymore. How do I reconcile that with ruining his life and maybe the lives of my children? I feel so guilty all the time that I feel this way.

These are my reasons for wanting out:
We don’t have sex. Like three times in four years.
We do nothing together as a couple and very little as a family.
Dh does what he wants of a weekend and it rarely involves us.
He’s borderline financially abusive.
We have nothing in common. The evenings are spent basically in silence with him watching whatever he wants on the tv - because it’s his tv - and me just sitting there.
He is deeply suspicious of me. He tells me I look ‘too nice to go out without him’ and says things like ‘you look a bit too nice to be going to the shop. Where are you really going?’
He tells me I’m his and im never allowed to leave him. Asks me how much I love him and whatever I say it’s never enough - and it feels false too.
He has a temper. He will be beyond livid if I leave him.

There’s no one major thing. He’s not a terrible person. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. I feel like it’s him or me. Either he can be happy or I get a chance at being happy.

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 18/11/2019 20:35

He’s ruining your life and your DCs. Don’t ruin theirs further by staying with this prick. If it were a job, you’d leave.

Quartz2208 · 18/11/2019 20:38

yes wanting to own you as a possession is not love

Please see some help and support

ReanimatedSGB · 18/11/2019 20:41

He's a prick and it will be his own fault when you leave him. As PP have said, make your plans carefully, seek support from WA or friends, and dump his bullying arse.

FavouriteSoul · 18/11/2019 20:42

Forget about ruining his life - save your own, and leave him now. He's abusive, controlling, coercive.

Heartburn888 · 18/11/2019 20:42

He sounds like he’s ruining your life and a chance to be happy so don’t feel bad about leaving him. He should of used the last 17 years treating you as an equal.

12345kbm · 18/11/2019 21:09

This is an abusive relationship and you sound like you're living a frightened half life with him. You sound really miserable and I'm not surprised. Please call Women's Aid in order to have a risk assessment as I think he might turn if you try to leave. I don't think you're safe with him OP.

He's pretty controlling but, because you're not doing anything to rock the boat, his behaviour hasn't escalated. What would happen if you didn't turn the TV over to something he wanted to watch?

You're walking on egg shells because he 'has a temper' and he uses that in order to control you.

Please work out a safe way of exiting the relationship. Don't tell him you have plans to leave. You've been married for a long time and need proper legal advice. Call Rights of Women to find out what documents etc to sort out and for a list of appropriate solicitors. But contact Women's Aid first because you're not safe.

Geppili · 18/11/2019 21:17

God, he sounds awful, op! You are being so brave to face the truth of how you feel. He has terrified you and wants to keep you in docile paralysis. You won't ruin your childrens' lives if you divorce him. They need you, the involved parent, to be happy and strong. He sounds controlling and dictatorial. Do you have any RL support? ThanksThanks

CodenameVillanelle · 18/11/2019 21:25

Umm what you have described isn't him loving you. It's him controlling and possessing you. If the only way he can be happy is by making you miserable why on earth do you think his happiness is right or fair?

NotStayingIn · 18/11/2019 21:26

Good grief OP, don’t feel guilty for leaving this!!!!

BaronessBomburst · 18/11/2019 21:33

He doesn't love you. He sees you as his possession.

FizzyGreenWater · 18/11/2019 21:33

There’s no one major thing. He’s not a terrible person.

Shock

They are all huge things. Huge abusive relationship-ending things. He is absolutely a terrible person.

Your outlook is so massively, massively skewed - you can't let your kids grow up seeing this dynamic.

Yes leave. Absolutely leave.

Stella8686 · 18/11/2019 21:34

Imagine your DC is all grown up (your age) and has just told you as their mother that this is their situation.

What advice would you give them if they were in your shoes?

Please OP be strong, staying would slowly make you a shell of a person it sounds like it has already made you alter your behaviour to be less vivacious.

Where is your joy or love in the relationship.

If you haven't got love, joy, trust and respect you haven't got a relationship, you've got a co-habiting agreement (on HIS terms)

Good luck

cakeandchampagne · 18/11/2019 21:34

It is an abusive relationship.
Get some help & get out.

DrunkUnicorn · 18/11/2019 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 18/11/2019 21:43

He's a terrible husband! No reason to feel bad about ending your marriage. I would in your shoes.

A good man wouldn't treat you like that. Or his DC. Good dads want to spend time with their DC.

iamtinkabella · 18/11/2019 21:44

The OP will no doubt be shocked to see everyones comments as when you are in her position you don't actually realise how bad these things are what he is doing.

OP take a big breath and realise that you deserve so much more than this. Imagine a life of being able to spend money whenever you wanted and on whatever you wanted. Imagine being able to go out without thinking youre going to offend him by what you are wearing. Even better.. imagine the future with a man who truelly loves you, cherishes you, takes you out on dates and loves spending time with you and making you feel special.

You dont deserve to feel how you are feeling right now, you deserve to feel safe, special and loved deeply. Think about whats best for you and leave.. it will be the best thing for your DC as well. They will see their mother glow againThanks

FabbyChix · 18/11/2019 21:50

You don’t have to consider anyone but yourself. We all deserve a life that when we are old has no wasted years or regrets. You aren’t in love anymore and it’s kinder to let him go. I’m 55 I have no happy memories so I’m starting again now don’t leave
It as long as me

Chloemol · 18/11/2019 22:16

What makes you think he loves you, he doesn’t all he wants to do is control you

Leave

TowelNumber42 · 18/11/2019 22:19

I dread to think what you would consider a major thing. I dread to think what you consider to be a terrible husband. Regular beatings perhaps? Your sense of normality has gone away with the fairies. You need to get out.

Cherrysoup · 18/11/2019 22:21

He IS a terrible person. Everything you wrote makes me think he’s a nasty piece of shit. You are right to leave him. Save yourself and your children.

worriedmumtoteen · 18/11/2019 22:26

You have a really warped idea of a normal relationship. Your husband is abusive and controlling. He spends no time with you, doesn’t want sex with you, doesn’t trust you?

He doesn’t love you.

He wants to control you.

I suggest you do the Freedom Programme ASAP. Your poor kids.

Bunkerlife · 18/11/2019 22:41

You can and you should leave this man, you are in a relationship that is text book coercive control.

Please make contact with women's aid and start to build a life for you and your children where you are free to look as nice as you like to go to the shop, where you can choose what to watch on TV, where weekends can be full of fun and laughter for you and your children.

I've been where you are now and have come to find true happiness and contentment.

Be brave you won't regret it.

Cloudsandrainbows · 18/11/2019 23:52

I think you are 100% sure on wanting to leave and rightly so, but you are worried about it. It's a huge thing when you've been together so long. Perhaps you should sit down and work out what you would do when you do leave, make a plan. Is he going to leave? Can he stay with family if you were to end the marriage while finances are separated? If he won't or can't leave, can you continue living together while you get divorced? Is there a spare room? Alternatively have you got somewhere to go with the kids?
Perhaps try talking to him to let him know how unhappy you are, get the wheels in motion so that it's not a huge shock that causes him to fly off the handle. If he has violent outbursts, perhaps arrange the kids to be on a sleepover when you break it to him to avoid upsetting them.
You know you need to leave, you just need to work out how, and get yourself some inner strength mustered up to face the reality. The kids will be better off with a happy mum than a miserable one. You are not ruining their lives!
Good luck

curlykaren · 19/11/2019 03:38

Errr, no. That's not love.
Leave, take a chance to be happy.

yuiop · 19/11/2019 03:48

He is a terrible person. None of that is love, it's nastiness, control and abuse. I doubt your children are as happy in the situation as you think they are.

I can't think of a single reason you should stay.