Am I over reacting...

[Cantthinkofanameeee]

Il try to cut a long story short...I believed I was in a good relationship...5 years...2 children...No cheating or lies (To my knowledge) on both parts...Very social couple...Very happy family...Basically the other week.We are out & a woman says hello to him...I ask who she is and his face whitens and he tells me she is a worker who done a few jobs at his new job he started 3 months ago (He works in the building trade,not the most female friendly environment) I dig and dig about this as to why he has never mentioned her...And he said she worked on a separate job in a differant building.He thought I would be funny about it.So he never mentioned it.He never spoke to her.Or had anything to do with her and she no longer works there...(Hands up I am a bit of an insecure girlfriend.I have in the past gave him a hard time over girls from his past.And been jealous at times,so I kind of understood why he would lie & I felt quite guilty that my low self esteem has made my partner have to lie about something so normal) But my gut just didnt sit right with it still...I looked her up on social media...and shes everything he likes in a woman.Blonde tattoos nose ring!And it made me horrendously jelous & I kept on grilling him...I said I was going to message her & find out from her what has been going on.Why would he lie about her if he never had anything to do with her?...So between then & now.He has drip fed me more and more info...We went from.Ok I said hello to her a few times.But that's it.To ok I worked with her for 3 days on the same job.But never talked to her & we were never alone & we are now to the point that he did work with her for 3 days solid.One day he worked with her alone.And they have had conversations.And she asked him where he got his tattoos done & he asked her about hers (Tattoos are a big turn on for him) So I'm absolutely gutted...I've just had a baby.And I was pregnant when he was working with her so I feel I was at my most unattractive when he was round her.I know its not cheating.I know its normal and healthy for men & women to work together.Talk to eachother...As much as I have low self esteem and worry the first woman he speaks to he will want to ditch me for.I wouldnt ever stop him.Or control him.Maybe sublimenly I have...By being so insecure maybe he didnt want to upset me by me knowing he is with a woman every day.Maybe this is my fault?It was 5 days after giving birth that we bumped into this girl.And I've been in pieces ever since.I cant eat.I keep crying.And i just have this pit of the stomach pain that he wanted her.Why would he hide her?Why did he want to talk to her about her tattoos...Fair enough if they were chatty and being normal "freindly" people...Why not talk about their kids aswell?That's something they both have in common?But no...And he never mentioned me to her?...What must his intentions of been...How do i go forward from this?Hes so sorry.Hes been crying.His freinds from work have been "backing him up" his boss has too...Ive been threatening to leave him.I feel like the trust has now gone.I have very little trust in men anyway.Ive had bad previous relationships and he knows this.He knows if he was to lie I would put 2&2 and make 10...But he did it anyway...I'm being a psycho arent I?...I feel like all of this is my fault.

He lied because he didnt want this reaction over nothing.

Seek some help OP, of the talking kind. Youll push this man away.

You've got his friends and boss involved? I think you probably need to address your insecurities. He shouldn't have lied and we cant know what really went on but given the fall out I can see why he would not say anything to you. Please get some support addressing your fears, no one can live happily with that kind of angst bubbling under all the time

It sounds like your self esteem is on the floor right now. I've been there, I get it.
You need to get some help for yourself though. Nothing your DP does or says will make a blind bit of difference to how you're feeling. You need to work on you.

You're threatening to leave because he worked with a girl with tattoos? And you're surprised he lied to you about her? When you act like this?

Honestly OP his face went white because he knew this is what he'd have to deal with.

Seriously you need to get some professional help.
You have the perfect life - don't ruin it by being so paranoid that he's scared to say hello to a woman in the street.

I agree with pp, I think you should seek some help. Book an app with your GP before you completely push him away. This is not a normal reaction you are having.

Fuck me Op, you need some serious help.

I mean this kindly but no wonder he didn’t tell you about her, you are taking this too far and being massively unreasonable.

I get you are feeling vulnerable right now as you haven’t long given birth but seriously your thinking of leaving him for speaking to another girl?????????

My husband has cheated on me in the past and even I wouldn’t be like this with him.

You need to work on your own self esteem and try counselling to talk to someone about this or your own insecurities will drive him away.

Please talk to someone xx

I think it’s been blown out of proportion and this is what he was trying to avoid by not telling you and drip feeding as he knows he has to just come out and tel you what the situation was as you’ve not let it drop. You shouldn’t of involved his work mates and boss over this and defo shouldn’t have threatened to leave.

I can understand why he didn’t tell you as he will know himself your self esteem is on the floor and doesn’t want to make you feel like you’re not good enough. If Im being honest I would of done the same and not said anything to avoid a massive over reaction.

I agree with pp and get yourself checked into the gp, see if they can help.

Hope you start to feel better soon

Oh OP. I don't think you're well, you know. This is a massive overreaction (and deeply, deeply unfair on your DP.) You need to apologise and mean it, and seek help. This level of jealousy and possessiveness is abusive.

Goodness me lass. You need to get some help.

If this is how you are then I too would be incredibly wary of telling you anything.

Crikey.

I worked in construction for years and i had boyfriends who were this crazy so i left them.

I worked with men all day every day, WORKED! Not shagged.

What is so wonderful about your boyfriend that you think this woman will drop her knickers just because she works with him? It's people like you that make it harder for women to work in industry in the first place. Just leave her be.

You are hormonal having just had a baby, over emotional and very low self esteem. All very normal after the changes our bodies go through having a baby. Please talk to your health visitor about PND. This is a very over the top reaction.
I work in a male dominated industry. The men I work with talk to me like one of the men including about subjects like sex and porn. It's fairly normal if a woman wants to fit in working in a career where there are few women. It doesn't mean that my male work colleagues have any designs on getting me into bed or me wanting to sleep with them. We are just making small talk while getting on with our work.
How would you cope if your DP worked in a career where there is an equal number of men and women? Where he would have to work every day with a variety of women, some of whom I can guarantee he would find attractive. It's part of life, doesn't mean he will cheat and the problem is your insecurity. PND can make you behave very strangely. Your HV will be able to help.

I'm grateful for your replys and I'd rather it be me that's in the wrong that you all thinking hes done something wrong.I love him so much I'm so scared to loose him.I have mental health problems and I have had counselling & CBT for it.Medication ect...But it doesnt really help...Being with him has made me feel well again.Like the past was worth it to meet him.I was in a very bad relationship before him.To the point I've had re constructive surgery on my face from the violence I received.Plus all the insults and mental abuse which has a lasting affect on me.It doesnt make it ok.I know this.And I've tried to get better & enjoy my life.We go on holidays.He will look after the kids while I go out with freinds.He helps with the house work.He spends his weekends doing home improvements.He always tells me he loves me.Hes affectionate...I'm so lucky.I just feel too lucky.And like it wont last long.So this happening has just scared me.Like the devil on my shoulder was right.And I wont ever be happy.In my mind it's all lies.Hes having an affair.Shes right up his street in looks.Not just "she has tattoos,so you cant look at her" Its not like that.And I'm not like that (to his face) I bottle most of my jealousy.If he had told me oh a girl works on site...I would 100% NOT kick off.No way would I.Maybe inside I would be worried & maybe he knows me well enough to know that...Maybe that's the impression I've gave him.Its the hiding her that's made me think more of it...

You need to go to your GP asap. You know this is not normal to react like this.

Why do you need to know who your partner works with?

I can't believe you involved his work colleagues in this, how utterly embarrassing for him. Honestly, if I was him, I'd leave you for your reaction to this. He lied because he knew what your reaction would be. You really need to seek help for your insecurities, they are very extreme.

You've been through some bloody traumatic experiences, it sounds like you could do with some proper psychotherapy to be honest.
If you can afford it, I would look into that privately. This is no way to live. I speak from experience and I'm out the other side.

Your reaction is absurd and you need to get a grip. If you do not your children will suffer everything that goes with a messy breakup.

The only reason why he hides anything is because he knows you will behave in a destructive manner.

Men and women at work have to have good relationships. Idiotically jealous partners make working life difficult not just for their husbands/boyfriends but also for women in the workplace who find themselves kept at an unnecessary distance.

I understand that you may be hormonal at the moment; but that is not an excuse for this level of absurdity. Listen to what people are telling you

You know why he lied about it. That doesn’t make lying right but you can understand why it would be hard for him to ever be honest when he knows that the result of even an innocent convo can get him into huge trouble.

I think you need to work harder on your self esteem and counselling, to a point where you don’t actually panic if he leaves you. I know that sounds hard, but a relationship should enhance your life, it shouldn’t BE your life.

I speak from experience as I also suffer from low self esteem and can put a huge amount of pressure on my DP to be everything to me. It’s too much for him to be the one thing that makes your life ok.

As for what he spoke to her about, tattoos are an obvious and ‘out there’ thing to mention. Had either of them been digging about relationship status/kids etc that could have looked even more dodgy to you - “why does she care that you have a girlfriend?” etc whereas “nice tattoos, where do you get them done?” is about as impersonal as it can get!

Honestly, coming from one who totally understands how you feel, you need to apologise and seek help. And don’t ever bring his work mates into your relationship troubles again (unless you want this woman to get wind of your crazy and become a listening ear for him!)

You’ll drive him away if you continue.

There are women at work, in shops, in cafes, in parks, in streets, in the world etc.

If he told you there was a woman at work you would have reacted the same so to save his mental health he didn’t tell you.

Sort this out before your child thinks this is normal behaviour and copies it (like I’ve seen in rl before).

You seemed to have pinned your happiness on him, he is unwittingly in control of his you feel about yourself, your self esteem is in his hands.

This is too much responsibility for anyone. Your relationship will not survive if you don't allow him to be himself around you, to be relaxed and talk about his life freely without fear of weeks of harassment.

For all your sakes please seek help for yourself.

You have been through a rough time but it's not fair to punish him for that.

You are also going through a really hormonal time at the moment. God, most of my arguments with OH were after DS was born in the following 6 months or so. It took a really long time for my body and brain to settle down.

I think you need to get into counselling. Explain to your OH that you know it's not fair to be like this with him, you dont mean to (it's your past affecting your judgement) and that you are going to get help for it. Medication won't really help as this is a psychological issue that needs to be resolved.

I wish you all the best. I have been where you are and the reason was because I wasn't sure of who I was and I wasn't sure of my boundaries. It wasn't until later on when I was on my own and dating that I had to establish those boundaries and leartn to recognise red flags.

I suspect because of your past, you don't know what the red flags in a relationship are anymore so you flinch at every possible threat. This is what you need help with. Good luck, you can overcome this.

From his perspective I can totally understand why he lied and it sounds like he's in a lose lose situation with you. If he'd have mentioned working with her (assuming you were pregnant at the time) you would have started getting suspicious and feeling jealous and showering him with questions about her. If he lies and doesn't mention her and then something like this happens, you equally get suspicious and give him the Spanish Inquisition

You protest that you don't control him but that is absolutely what you're doing (whether you mean to or not). The more you tighten the grip, the more you risk losing him. Honestly, it never occurs to me who my DH has worked with or spoken to during the day.

And I suspect if the roles were reversed in this post and it was the woman's husband acting like this, getting her work involved, the consensus would be that she is in an a Suso right relationship and must leave.

More worrying is how much you pin your happiness and mental health on him and this relationship. You desperately need to seek therapy and find a way of being happy and content within yourself-and not because of someone else.

You have my sympathies and sorry if this sounds harsh but I do feel for your partner.

Abusive not Suso rights!!

I echo what other posters have said. I think it's important you get some help.

You can't react like this every time he has a conversation with a woman. You're lucky he works in a male dominated environment. How would you cope if he worked with women regularly?

My DH works in a female dominated environment and has worked closely with the same woman for 17 years. They talk about all kinds of things not just work. That's normal!

I agree with what you are all saying.I have over reacted.And I know my mental health isnt good when situations arise that trigger my fear of abandonment or that I'm not good enough.I will say.I didnt get his work mates involved.He did.And this caused another argument because I was embarrassed that he had let on that I was in some way insecure.What if it got back to the woman herself and I look like a psycho?(Yes I'm acting like one but I'd rather as little people know as possible) His work mates also told me "He never worked with her,she was on a seperate job,hes not lying" So when he then told me he had worked with her...I felt like them all lying to me was even more suspicious.When we have spoke about this I said to him "Why did you lie if its innocent?Men & women work together every day?Why would I care?Is it because you found her attractive and you thought she was better than me.So you thought I'd be jealous?" I dont see any other reason for him to lie other than him having bad intentions with her.He has done work FOR women...in their houses and I'm always aware...we socialise with my female friends & he always chatd to them and has banter my freinds love him.And I dont get jealous...His friends and their partners meet up with us...He talks to them...he speaks to women from his past.Im not as over bearing as I sound...I am not angry he worked with a woman.Im not angry that she was attractive.I am PARANOID now he has lied about it...I am angry that he didnt give me a chance or choice to react to it.In my eyes he thought I'd be too insecure in myself to handle him working with an attractive young woman...THAT HURTS.Ive never stopped him doing ANYTHING in his life.I never tell him not to speak to girls.I never tell him where to go...Or what to wear...I've been that person.Ive been controlled and abused.And I would never ever do that to someone I love.Maybe if a situation like this had happened before...And I had reacted badly he would have a reason to lie like this...but it hasnt that's what hurts.I wasnt given the choice in how to react.He thought that little of me that he made the decision for me that I couldn't take it...The most I've ever done is bitch about girls he has slept with before me.And that was in the very beginning before we had our children...Him knowing I'm insecure stems from me slagging myself off.Getting upset about my appearance.Getting plastic surgery to feel better.ect...That's what he is going off I assume.Ive never done anything drastic enough when it comes to other girls for him to need to lie (I believe)