Am I over reacting...

[Cantthinkofanameeee]

Il try to cut a long story short...I believed I was in a good relationship...5 years...2 children...No cheating or lies (To my knowledge) on both parts...Very social couple...Very happy family...Basically the other week.We are out & a woman says hello to him...I ask who she is and his face whitens and he tells me she is a worker who done a few jobs at his new job he started 3 months ago (He works in the building trade,not the most female friendly environment) I dig and dig about this as to why he has never mentioned her...And he said she worked on a separate job in a differant building.He thought I would be funny about it.So he never mentioned it.He never spoke to her.Or had anything to do with her and she no longer works there...(Hands up I am a bit of an insecure girlfriend.I have in the past gave him a hard time over girls from his past.And been jealous at times,so I kind of understood why he would lie & I felt quite guilty that my low self esteem has made my partner have to lie about something so normal) But my gut just didnt sit right with it still...I looked her up on social media...and shes everything he likes in a woman.Blonde tattoos nose ring!And it made me horrendously jelous & I kept on grilling him...I said I was going to message her & find out from her what has been going on.Why would he lie about her if he never had anything to do with her?...So between then & now.He has drip fed me more and more info...We went from.Ok I said hello to her a few times.But that's it.To ok I worked with her for 3 days on the same job.But never talked to her & we were never alone & we are now to the point that he did work with her for 3 days solid.One day he worked with her alone.And they have had conversations.And she asked him where he got his tattoos done & he asked her about hers (Tattoos are a big turn on for him) So I'm absolutely gutted...I've just had a baby.And I was pregnant when he was working with her so I feel I was at my most unattractive when he was round her.I know its not cheating.I know its normal and healthy for men & women to work together.Talk to eachother...As much as I have low self esteem and worry the first woman he speaks to he will want to ditch me for.I wouldnt ever stop him.Or control him.Maybe sublimenly I have...By being so insecure maybe he didnt want to upset me by me knowing he is with a woman every day.Maybe this is my fault?It was 5 days after giving birth that we bumped into this girl.And I've been in pieces ever since.I cant eat.I keep crying.And i just have this pit of the stomach pain that he wanted her.Why would he hide her?Why did he want to talk to her about her tattoos...Fair enough if they were chatty and being normal "freindly" people...Why not talk about their kids aswell?That's something they both have in common?But no...And he never mentioned me to her?...What must his intentions of been...How do i go forward from this?Hes so sorry.Hes been crying.His freinds from work have been "backing him up" his boss has too...Ive been threatening to leave him.I feel like the trust has now gone.I have very little trust in men anyway.Ive had bad previous relationships and he knows this.He knows if he was to lie I would put 2&2 and make 10...But he did it anyway...I'm being a psycho arent I?...I feel like all of this is my fault.

The thing is....he probably did find her attractive. That happens. It's doesn't matter as long as you don't act upon it. I don't think he had bad intentions he probably just panicked because he knew you'd react this way.

YABU. In the nicest way you're projecting your insecurities onto him - doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong

Oops! Not AIBU ..... but yes, you are over-reacting!

@30to50FeralHogs thanks for that reply...it makes me feel better when you put it like that...I guess if it was talks about partners I would wonder why...Its just the first thing he said to me when we first me was "I like your tattoos,who done them,how many do you have" ect...and hes always telling me to get more tattoos as it's such a turn on for him women with tattoos...He wants me to have a full sleeve and my fingers done ect...And I won't...I think it's too much & not feminine.So I've never done it...So when I see this women hes been hiding from me has a sleeve & hand tattoos...I instantly feel insecure.She has something he likes.That i dont?...he also always went for blondes before me...And asks me to go blonde...(I dont) I like my own hair...And I then see this women is blonde...It just all happened so horribly in my head...Writing it down it seems so silly...But to me...It really does feel like a huge betrayal and that he hid her because he wanted to try and get with her...And him admitting he had asked about her tattoos...just took me back to how he approached me...what made him notice me.And made me think he felt the same for her..And it just felt like my world had come down.As crazy as it may sound...

Your insecurity is going to destroy your relationship. Seriously you need help. Your poor partner, he must be absolutely mortified to have to involve his work colleagues in this ridiculous situation. He has to face them at work, in his professional life. I’d be horrified by this and I wouldn’t be in this relationship whatsoever. Your behaviour is abusive.

OP but you weren't initially angry that he lied. You were initially upset because he hadn't told you about her and because she was his type.

The lies and anger came afterwards, because of your reaction to her being attractive.

You keep saying he hid her OP. He didn't hide her. He just didn't mention her.

I work with dozens of men everyday and I would say my husband only knows my boss and my direct teams names (from my incredibly boring work stories).

He had no reason, no obligation to mention her.

His "lies", or better turn of phrase "HESITANCE" to tell you about all of his interactions with her are a result of your "digging and digging" about her.

You need to go talk to your GP.

You are trying to justify your abuse of your DP by saying its all his fault. Poor guy. Continue this and he should leave you, I hope he does for his sake.

I am angry that he didnt give me a chance or choice to react to it.In my eyes he thought I'd be too insecure in myself to handle him working with an attractive young woman...THAT HURTS.

I do totally get this. Lying by omission is still still lying and getting his friends involved is out of order, especially if they’re telling a different story. It’s a horrible dynamic, but one that can only be changed if you change the way you feel about him and yourself. Your previous reactions have (rightly or wrongly) suggested to him that you wouldn’t like this situation. You need to show him that you are ok with it. That you trust him, not because he’s perfect, but because even if he isn’t, it doesn’t matter.

He’s not your saviour. You are. You came through your shitty ex relationship and out the other side, battered and bruised but still open to love.

That takes a lot of strength. You need to channel that strength into your relationship with yourself and not into your relationship with him.

Build yourself up to the point that you feel that YOU are the prize and he’s lucky to have you. And if he chooses to swan off with someone else, his fucking loss.

Once you can see him as a nice addition to an otherwise happy life, not the central support to it, you will feel much calmer. I know it’s hard. I have days when I wobble and feel like I can’t do it alone etc but when I think through the future with and without him, either way, I know I’ll be fine. And so will he. And so will you.

I know I bring enough good things into his life that he’d be stupid to mess around, and I don’t want to be with someone stupid, so if he does it, fuck him.

You are enough. All by yourself. Just as you are.

Yes you do need to address some of your behaviour and your attitudes to him and towards yourself, but that doesn’t mean you’re not worth loving.

He sounds weird - trying to make you into his ideal woman, changing your hair and getting tattoos because that’s what he likes?! It’s no wonder you’re insecure. Obviously lots of people have ‘a type’ but you don’t get with someone and try to turn them into that type! My DP prefers skinny blondes. No idea why he ended up with me, but I’m not going to look like his ex Pamela Anderson no matter what I do to myself. If he even suggested I should, he’d be out the door. And absolutely no way should anyone permanently mark their body for someone else!! I’m not against tattoos at all, my DS has loads, but it’s something you do for yourself not for anyone else.

The more you say, the more unhealthy this dynamic sounds. I do wonder if your head would be clearer without him in it. It sounds like the two of you are not right for each other and maybe some time alone would be helpful for you?

Lying by omission is still still lying

No it isn't. The OP's partner is in no way obligated to tell her about every single person he works with. Even if they have a vagina. He is also not obligated to provide point by point details of their everyday interactions. To suggest otherwise is absolutely insane and condoning her behavior.

Put some time aside and get some professional help

30to50FeralHogs nails it. There's something 'off' about this dynamic and while you do sound like you would benefit from working on your self esteem regardless (and I do know how hard that is, I've been pathologically jealous in the past) it doesn't sound like he helps if he's trying to change you into something you're not.

Hope you can find some mental peace and start enjoying life, OP

Ah OP. (I know from experience) the trauma from abuse and cheating leaves real lasting effects. I’m not my partner’s typical ‘type’, and when i come across an attractive girl who is, my stomach lurches. Can’t help it, totally involuntary, and stems from my own baggage. However, what I am able to do is quickly balance that with the real, secure knowledge that my partner adores me, is committed to me, and even if he found another person attractive (no big deal, we all have fleeting attractions), would never act inappropriately.

It took counselling, time, and a lot of restoring my self-confidence to get there.

We can’t know if there’s something sinister in your partner seemingly ‘wanting’ you to change. He might be expressing the things that attract him with no intent, nonetheless making you panic that you don’t measure up, or he may be trying to change your appearance which would obviously be unhealthy. Only you will know, and I agree with other posters that you should seek counselling and support to keep yourself in only safe and healthy relationships. Cheats and abusers damage us massively, but it’s repairable. You’re either with a great guy who’s endlessly patient and will go to extreme lengths to show his dedication to you, at cost to his pride, or you’re with someone who is toxic to you and will always bring drama and insecurity to your life. I hope you either have or find the former.

Thankyou for all the replies...I apreciate them all...And it's taken on board.As hard as it is to accept how flawed you are...I'm willing to fix it.

@breatheinskipthegym thanks for your understanding reply...I think abusive relationships leave you with no real sense of normal boundaries...I wasnt even allowed to pay for things in a shop if the person behind the til was male.Although I know that extent is wrong...And I left that relationship because I knew right from wrong.It is my only experience of a relationship...Never would I have behaved this way.But like other people are saying.Im being abusive in some way...Which is not intentional...All i know in life is something bad coming from lies like this & I will go against the majority and say him lying was wrong.I dont ask or expect a detailed name & sex of his employees...but if I ask how his day was and what he done...and he goes out his way to lie & tell me he has worked with people he hasnt in places he hasnt.Its wrong and misleading and will make a person paranoid to then find out differant...He has never asked me to change in an abusive way I dont feel...I have tattoos myself...And he tells me to extend them..."Your tattoos are so sexy,youd really suit a sleeve or some ink on your fingers" I had blonde exstentions put in as a dip dyed look at the tips of my hair and he loved it...said I really suited blonde..and has said numerous times when hair is on the subject..."I like you best with blonde" "Get the blonde put back in" and it has got my back up & I will comment on it & make a dig of arent you happy with how I am.If you want a blonde go back to your exs!And I will be huffy about it...(That's the extent of my bitchy insecure digs at him) they aren't prolonged crying psychotic break downs like it may seem.To make him lie like he has...Now I'm having a prolonged breakdown I agree...And it seems well over reacted...Agreed.Maybe it is...But it is what it is...I'm hurt.I cant control it.Im suspicious and jealous and insecure because of this lie.Weve never had talks of splitting up...In 5 years hes never made me cry.Weve never lied to eachother...(That i know of) and I feel we socialise well around the opposite sex with no controlling jealous behaviour...This is out the blue & again it's at a sensitive time...so maybe that's playing a part.Or I am just an abusive bitch and he should leave me.Either way.Ive seen this isn't a normal reaction and I will be working on my behaviour in my relationship.And opening up with him & getting all these emotions on the table and getting both our feelings across to forward.

@Cantthinkofanameeee you're not an abusive bitch and I honestly think he's one of the good guys and just didn't want to risk upsetting you.

Sit down and have a good talk. Tell him what you've said here. He seems to understand you well.

I also don't think you're an abusive bitch. But your behaviour could be construed as abusive. I understand you're not mentally well and you're jealous of this woman and her appearance, so it's not intentional, but it still doesn't give you the right to treat your partner like this or excuse it. It must be hard for him to deal with. And he seems to be trying to appease you and deal with it. But clearly he's becoming very distressed by it.

Try to seek some additional help and explain what's going on with you to your doctor or counsellor. And apologise to your partner for your behaviour and how he must have felt.

As a mother of a son, this is my worst nightmare for him.

Sorry one of the good guys? - why is he constantly nagging you to change your appearance to something else OP? That isn't ok and I'm not surprised it has played into your self esteem issues. Equally he literally has lied about this woman and drip fed and you are totally correct to feel suspicious that his colleagues say he never worked with her but he has already told you he has. I can't see what is abnormal about feeling suspicious after you have literally heard a lie or contradiction.

With that being said OP none of it necessarily means anything at all and I agree with previous posters who urge you to seek help with the issue, you sound very hurt and unhappy. Perhaps see a GP and ask about CBT to try and alter these thought patterns and work through what happened in your last relationship. Abuse often leaves behind all sort of residual self protection behaviours and thought patterns. It is hard when you have spent a long tim on edge with an abusive partner and normalising extremes and unhealthy behaviours.

Realistically people fancy other people sometimes and have a flirt with them OP. It doesn't mean anything, doesn't mean he would rather someone else than you, doesn't mean you are about to be left or are not good enough. If you go down the road of thinking about what other women have that you don't you will never be free of this- there will always be something about them you will think is 'better' and in doing so you are sending messages to yourself that you are 'worse'. It isn't true and it is unhealthy.

I would keep an eye on his comments though OP, ideally go to couples counselling and be sure to be open about what he says to you and how it contributes to this situation. You shouldn't have to shoulder the blame entirely when he is making comments that affect your self esteem. I think that aspect of things has got a bit lost here and there is more to it.

@dontgobaconmyheart are you even reading OPs posts?

He's not constantly telling her to change her appearance. He's allowed to tell her he likes her with blonde hair. He's allowed to say a certain type of tattoo would suit her - she's shut him down and told him how it makes her feel.

He didn't lie to her about the woman until she started getting paranoid and then he almost definitely did it to protect her feelings
(although it clearly didn't do that).
When he did lie to her he's explained why and accepts he was wrong to do it.

There's nothing here to say he's flirted with her.
Talking to someone of the opposite sex doesn't necessarily equal flirting. OP has been very open about her struggles so why would you even suggest this without knowing for a fact that it's happened?

@dontgobaconmyheart
Thankyou for your comments they make sense and I really do know how unhealthy my thoughts are...I dont doubt that...I just wasnt sure on this situation if once again it was me & my jealousy...or these lies are weird & uncalled for?All the people in my real life that I have told have said they would majorly kick off have the hump & be suspicious...but again...I guess friends just back you dont they?Or maybe my freinds are to like minded and unhealthy aswell...The facts are it was a constructed lie.He swore on our childrens lives he never spoke to her...That hurt.I wasn't bullying him or saying "you better not of fucking spoke to her" I didnt scare him into lying!I've gave him no reason to fear me.And if I was so abusive and he was so petrified he wouldnt of done it...I know this because I was scared of someone and never dared to do things he would disapprove of.I was simply saying why the hell have you kept this from me?!This seems so suspicious!I dont trust you!Ect...And he kept lying for days and days...Sticking to the story...getting work mates to call up & back him...Then I would trip him up on certain questions and he would drip feed more...My suspicion began because WHY LiE ABOUT A PERSON YOU NEVER HAD CONTACT WITH.This is my point!!That's why I bugged him and didnt let it go...he didnt tell me he worked with her at the start...He said he didnt mention her because she was in another building so it wasnt necessary to tell me.Which would be fair if it was true.I then said but how/why did she say hello if you've never see or spoke to her before?And then more little drips came out.That she popped into his job for tea breaks so would say hello...so the more new info I received the more I dug.And to my defence the more lies he came out with..And now i just dont beleive theres not more to come!...And its left me really upset and down.It really is the lies more than the situarion!I'm not so insecure that I wouldnt let my partner work with a woman.End of!

You've no right, none to involve his work colleagues in your insecurities. How disrespectful of him you are.

That alone would have me showing you the door.

Get help OP, or you'll push him away.

If a man write your post people would rightly say his behaviour was abusive. I have an ex friend who did identical to her husband, she had low self esteem etc etc, in the ned it doesn't really matter. To live in a situation where you are too scared to mention work colleagues for fear of your partner questioning you is domestic abuse
BTW my ex friend's husband divorced her on the ground of unreasonable behaviour, and quite rightly so. It was heartbreaking watching him descend into a shell of a man he used to be when I first met him

I am amazed that people are blaming the OP's DH in this. I doubt any of them would be saying the same thing if the genders were reversed.
This in controlling and manipulative behaviour at its worse.
Your OP is to scared to discuss trivial matters with you, in case you blow up. That should say all you need to know.
When I come home from work my DH will ask me how my day was, I can then tell him as much or as little as I want to, it is not a question so he can interrogate me or pick over any detail to try and catch me in a lie. I have had four kids and would never act like this, so using hormonal as some excuse is an insult for all the rest of us.
This is especially true as you have acted like this for some years and have done nothing to deal with it amd involving his work, boss and god know who else , how embarrassing and insulting for him and for his future prospects. I would honestly be telling him to leave you if there wasn't the DC to worry about. As it is you need to do something about your mental state before you destroy all of those around you.