Am I over reacting...

[Cantthinkofanameeee]

Il try to cut a long story short...I believed I was in a good relationship...5 years...2 children...No cheating or lies (To my knowledge) on both parts...Very social couple...Very happy family...Basically the other week.We are out & a woman says hello to him...I ask who she is and his face whitens and he tells me she is a worker who done a few jobs at his new job he started 3 months ago (He works in the building trade,not the most female friendly environment) I dig and dig about this as to why he has never mentioned her...And he said she worked on a separate job in a differant building.He thought I would be funny about it.So he never mentioned it.He never spoke to her.Or had anything to do with her and she no longer works there...(Hands up I am a bit of an insecure girlfriend.I have in the past gave him a hard time over girls from his past.And been jealous at times,so I kind of understood why he would lie & I felt quite guilty that my low self esteem has made my partner have to lie about something so normal) But my gut just didnt sit right with it still...I looked her up on social media...and shes everything he likes in a woman.Blonde tattoos nose ring!And it made me horrendously jelous & I kept on grilling him...I said I was going to message her & find out from her what has been going on.Why would he lie about her if he never had anything to do with her?...So between then & now.He has drip fed me more and more info...We went from.Ok I said hello to her a few times.But that's it.To ok I worked with her for 3 days on the same job.But never talked to her & we were never alone & we are now to the point that he did work with her for 3 days solid.One day he worked with her alone.And they have had conversations.And she asked him where he got his tattoos done & he asked her about hers (Tattoos are a big turn on for him) So I'm absolutely gutted...I've just had a baby.And I was pregnant when he was working with her so I feel I was at my most unattractive when he was round her.I know its not cheating.I know its normal and healthy for men & women to work together.Talk to eachother...As much as I have low self esteem and worry the first woman he speaks to he will want to ditch me for.I wouldnt ever stop him.Or control him.Maybe sublimenly I have...By being so insecure maybe he didnt want to upset me by me knowing he is with a woman every day.Maybe this is my fault?It was 5 days after giving birth that we bumped into this girl.And I've been in pieces ever since.I cant eat.I keep crying.And i just have this pit of the stomach pain that he wanted her.Why would he hide her?Why did he want to talk to her about her tattoos...Fair enough if they were chatty and being normal "freindly" people...Why not talk about their kids aswell?That's something they both have in common?But no...And he never mentioned me to her?...What must his intentions of been...How do i go forward from this?Hes so sorry.Hes been crying.His freinds from work have been "backing him up" his boss has too...Ive been threatening to leave him.I feel like the trust has now gone.I have very little trust in men anyway.Ive had bad previous relationships and he knows this.He knows if he was to lie I would put 2&2 and make 10...But he did it anyway...I'm being a psycho arent I?...I feel like all of this is my fault.

OP, look at one of your first sentences in your first post, immediately after you ask your husband who the woman was
I dig and dig about this as to why he has never mentioned her...
Now read that again and ask your self if that is abusive. Why on earth do you think it is OK to question the person you love about why he hasn't mentioned someone he knows? I didn't know half of the people my exdh knew. It wasn't a big deal because I didn't own him

I wasn't bullying him or saying "you better not of fucking spoke to her" I didnt scare him into lying!I've gave him no reason to fear me

With all due respect OP, this is why he didn't tell you.

(Hands up I am a bit of an insecure girlfriend.I have in the past gave him a hard time over girls from his past.And been jealous at times,so I kind of understood why he would lie & I felt quite guilty that my low self esteem has made my partner have to lie about something so normal)

Then when you do find out 'the truth' you threaten to contact the woman in question and also to leave him. Honestly OP, no matter how you frame this, it's totally unreasonable. You need to stop this now or you will lose him.

If he were my son, I would be really upset for him. There's obviously more to this, there has to have been more incidents like this for him to 'turn white' when he said hello to a woman when he was with you. He turned white because he absolutely knew what was coming(he was right, it has) from experience in your relationship. So yes, he does fear you.

No wonder his face whitened if you behave like that every time a woman says hello.
You need to get a grip before your behaviour completely drives him away.

I'm not so insecure that I wouldnt let my partner work with a woman.

I don't believe you based on how you're over-reacting.

Yes he didn't tell you he was working with a woman (for a few days!) but he knew how you'd react. And I'm sure this has turned into his worst nightmare come true. Don't you see how your behaviour and your over-reaction has turned this into a vicious circle of hell? You've been interrogating the poor guy for days. You sound unhinged and completely obsessed.

You're not being rational. You really need to get help to deal with the baggage you're carrying from previous bad relationships or you're going to ruin the relationship you have now. You were abused but it seems you've now become the abuser. You need to break this cycle and you can only do that by getting professional help.

Your poor partner OP
If I was him I wouldn't be able to cope with you & all these accusations. Sorry 😐
You have totally 100% completely materialised this fantasy of a story up in your head. And you believe it.
You are sabotaging your relationship here.
Other posters advising to go to your GP... I doubt very much that they can help with your severe trust issues.

I don't know what type of help you need, but for sure you can't carry on in a relationship with this type of behaviour.

' have mental health problems and I have had counselling & CBT for it.Medication ect...But it doesnt really help.'

There are hundreds of different therapies and meds. One or two meds didn't work- there are still plenty they can try. Please go back to your GP/consultant so they can try you on one of the many things you haven't tried yet. If that doesn't work, go back so they can try again. Eventually, they'll find one that works. If you don't bothher then you're not doing all you can to get well.

Same goes for therapy. I found EMDR helpful- it's good for past traumas etc.

Keep trying different evidence-based therapies until you hit on some that work. This is not as good as you can get- you can do better than this. x

Am I over reacting is what your thread is titled.

Yes. Yes you are, massively so. You're being paranoid.

To add to what everyone else has said, as someone very heavily tattooed myself, it's quite normal for various randoms to chat about tattoos, so would absolutely expect anyone I spend any time with no matter how brief who also has tattoos to talk about them. Doesn't for one second mean there is anything in it.

@MMadness, you said "You've no right, none to involve his work colleagues in your insecurities. How disrespectful of him you are."

If you've RTFT, you should know that OP didn't involve his co-workers. He did. In fact she was upset that he had done so.

She said "I didnt get his work mates involved.He did.And this caused another argument because I was embarrassed that he had let on that I was in some way insecure.What if it got back to the woman herself and I look like a psycho?(Yes I'm acting like one but I'd rather as little people know as possible)"

@Cantthinkofanameeee, I think it's likely that he's just been stupid. I don't think he was obliged to tell you about her, but I can see how you feel that way now. If he'd just answered honestly the first time, then most of this wouldn't have happened.

It sounds like he knows you well enough to worry that you might feel threatened, so he left her out of the conversation when telling you about his day. Then you were out and saw her, she spoke, and he stupidly panicked because he hadn't mentioned her. From there it snowballed. His friends' "helpful" explanations have only made things worse. Now you're doubting everything, when it was probably nothing.

I think you need to let this go for now. Why not tell him you don't want to talk about it anymore until things have calmed down and you've seen a therapist or counsellor? Say that you reserve the right to discuss it again in the future. Try to focus on all the positives in your relationship. It sounds like there are a lot.

Please make an appointment to talk to someone who can help you see things objectively. You're torturing yourself; the doubts are going to destroy your relationship for something that is probably innocent. His misguided attempts to avoid upsetting you are a large part of this, but at the very heart of everything is the insecurity and low self-esteem that are a result of abuse in the past.

A good therapist will help you build yourself up. Once your self-esteem and confidence are higher you can come back to this, if you still need to. Until then, mentally put it away in a box, knowing that you can sort through it later.

Just love each other in the meantime. Put some positive emotional deposits in the bank. Love can rebuild your relationship and trust in one another. Remember, you don't have to put this away forever. Just for now, until you feel stronger and have some guidance on how to deal with it.

I hope you feel better soon. 💙💙

If he'd just answered honestly the first time, then most of this wouldn't have happened.

But he did answer honestly when she asked him. She asked who said hi, he said "he tells me she is a worker who done a few jobs at his new job he started 3 months ago". He was being honest and she wasn't satisfied with that and dug and dug till he fessed up that he'd "Asked about her tattoos!"

I was out with DH last weekend and saw a guy from my work who said Hi. DH asked who that was and I said "It's XYZ from site" that was the extent of the conversation. I didn't have to go into the fact that he and I have a running joke about security issues, because DH would be bored to tears.

My ex was like the OP. Being harassed for saying hi to someone is not on. It destroyed our relationship and caused issues with my DH at first because I would lie about the inconsequential ways I new other men because I was scared to death of the same reaction.

Her DH is not the one in the wrong here and some posters shouldn't feed her delusions.

You're not being rational. You really need to get help to deal with the baggage you're carrying from previous bad relationships or you're going to ruin the relationship you have now. You were abused but it seems you've now become the abuser. You need to break this cycle and you can only do that by getting professional help.

This. Please seek out help, op. At the moment he is doing his best to keep the peace but as time goes on and you wrongly accuse and embarass him further, his resentment will build.

There are always going to be more attractive, available people out there. If you believe he is going to run off with every one of them he meets you are setting yourself up for a life of misery and anxiety.

Talk to a professional before you ruin this relationship.

Please seek help for your insecurities OP, for your own sake. There will always be more attractive women than you around but that doesn't mean your DP will love or want you any less however your behaviour towards him will be what drives him away from you.

You’re abusive and controlling. I hope for his sake that he has supportive family and friends who are giving him good advice about leaving you.

I get that you’ve had an abusive relationship in the past and have been the victim. That doesn’t give you the right to turn the tables though, or to make him pay for someone else’s behaviour. He isn’t your abusive ex.

I have been in his position, having to account for the most minor insignificant things and having someone browbeat me about them, insisting there was more etc when really it was nothing. That shit is toxic and corrosive. I ended up feeling constantly on the defensive, constantly trying to be two steps ahead, thinking how each simple thing could be magnified and twisted etc. the best thing I ever did was leave that relationship and I sincerely hope your partner does the same, for his sake. He deserves a better life.

@beenwhereyouare thankyou for that reply you've hit the nail on the head...I do feel he lied because he knew I'd feel threatened and prob be insecure...To everyone saying I'm abusive.Ive accepted the comments.But it's a heavy word to use...and as I said this sort of thing has NEVER happened before in 5 years!Neither of us has shed a tear.Never spoke of splitting up.No blazing rows and accusations of cheating ect ect...I'm known for being a bit jealous and insecure but we live a good quality of life and I dont let it affect our relationship (until now it seems) and as I said before that people are bypassing HE HAS WORKED FOR SEVERAL WOMEN.AND TOLD ME!..And I had NO ISSUE!!...My issue is that he LIED!Weather he has the right to hide who he has spent the day with or not...THAT is what has triggered my suspicion.The fact he said he NEVER worked in the same building with her & got his work friends to ring me made me dig because how did she know him to say hello to?Why was he so bothered to get his work freinds involved?THAT is why he had to say more in depth wheres and whys...But in turn has made me think why why why LIE?You've worked in womens houses plenty of times...He goes out on lads nights.I do not control him.I have been abused and every inch of my life was controlled...I do not do this to him.Thats why I have gone so downhill over this situation because none of it rings true...If you asked your husband...How was work today love?What did you do?...And he replied..."Oh me & Bob painted a house" and then you found out months later he wasnt painting a house with Bob...he was digging a trench with a woman called Sally?...You would think it was odd to lie?...She worked there for a 3 months!!And he worked on the same job as her.Day in day out he was lying...YES THATS NORMAL...BUT ITS NOT NORMAL TO LIE!...I can be blamed by everyone here.and you can say I'm so controlling and poor him he must be petrified of me...But I know different...If your being abused and petrified...Youd be too scared to lie...or do it altogether.Hes very vocal and confident around women...my freinds...his old associates...Female strangers just chit chat in a shop or at the school ect...This isnt normal behaviour from him...Or I would of been a psycho like this before now...when hes spoken to exs or been out on the town with his single friends when they have girls with them...I DONT CARE...My insecurities are inside me!Yes I worry one day he will leave me for someone better...Yes I have down days where I feel ugly and insecure.Yes I've made childish bitchy digs on occasions about girls from the past.But that was in the beginning of the relationship...and like I said...it clearly hasnt affected how he acts with women...And to the person saying I'm using the hormonal after baby as a sympathy excuse...NO...I had post natal depression and psychosis after my first child was born and was very unwell until he was 1...And I was worrying myself that maybe this situation had triggered me into having some delusional thoughts as I couldnt think straight...this behaviour is not normal or a regular thing for me!...And my partner knows this and we talked last night and I told him I'm sorry I made him feel he had to lie and made it clear I had no right to make him feel worried...And did he feel like I was abusing him...Or stressing him...Is my behaviour becoming too much ect?...and he actually laughed...he said he knows I can be a jelous at times and he didnt want to tell me because she wasnt a permanent employee and a bloke from work had had terrible arguments over the same thing and he didnt want that for us.I explained how the lying is what hurts and not the fact he worked with a GIRL.The lies have just made me think hes covering something sinister BECAUSE I DONT FEEL HE NEEDS TO LIE BECAUSE I WOULDN'T OF CARED.As he had worked with/for women before and told me...He said they were older women tho...in there 40's...So I guess because this girl was younger he expected me to be inferior or whatever and possibly have a bitch at him.I assured him I really wouldn't...And in future he must never tread on egg shells when it comes to women...I apologised for putting my mental health and insecurities on his shoulders...And he said I shouldnt be sorry
He loves me and takes me warts and all...He knew when he met me i had been hurt & he wanted me enough to help me & that I'm worth fixing...I treat him well.Its a case of 98% I'm fine...2% my past may bubble out and I will feel my insecurities rising...I was asking for help on here.Was I being mentally unstable...or was my partner wrong...I was open to being in the wrong here.I dont need to be told my partner should leave and that I'm an abuser.Its said way to easily by to many people on here.

In answer to your question...yes you’re being psycho. Get help before you lose him. If someone’s going to cheat, they’re going to cheat. You are just pushing him away. And gaining a reputation as being a psycho along the way