Need to release

[MumofThree78]

Hi there, I feel so alone and just need some outside perspective.

My OH of 20years and I move to Australia 4 years ago (I'm Aussie he is English) I asked him many times if he was sure and he wanted to give our kids a better life so said yes.

It was bad from the start, staying with my family for a year who were really difficult to be with, he became such an angry/sad person,didn't help he worked with my dad who is not easy to work for as talks down to people.

We have been pretty pushing through it and it's been fine, not amazing but mostly good.

Just found out he has been messaging some girl, came down at 5am and he had fallen asleep texting and phone was open,
saw me mentioned so read through, telling her he likes her how unhappy he is.

I read a few messages until I lost my temper and woke him saying seen all your messages, after a while, told me she is a girl he use to work with in London, ran into her (when we were there on holidays in August) and they kept in contact and it's been a release be able to talk to her and even tho he likes her it's cause nothing can happen cause she is in london. Said he won't speak to her again and deleted her off Facebook wants us to work, loves me and wants to work on our relationship.

We just sold our house to move to another state, I agreed to do this move away from my family as he is so unhappy and depressed and want us to be happy so thought a new start/new place would help.

Then this happens, I logged onto his Facebook account this morning and first thing this morning he has messaged her,
Said I don't know about the photos and videos he has deleted them from Facebook and had them in another app, broke his heart to delete them. Maybe they will have to start chatting in another app to be safer.

Why would he say wants to be with me and work on us and message her next morning, he is out at the moment and is coming home shortly, I was thinking to say I know more then I let on and this is your one chance to be honest and tell me everything if you really want this to work.

Please help, I've spent 2 days crying, I could forgive if he was commited but messaging her next day.

Sorry for long message and thank you

I don't have a lot of advice for you but I didn't want to read and run.
I am so sorry this has happened. It must just destroy your trust. You're not getting the full story from him (and maybe you never will.)

What do you want to happen? In an ideal world where you could make the future happen, what do you want to happen?
(Don't answer if it's not helpful).

Someone asked me that question in a similar state and it really helped me.
I wailed "I want him to love me like I thought he loved me!" and "I want him to be the man I thought he was!"

And when she (very kindly) said "And now that you know he's not, and he can't be .... what do you want to happen?"

It was helpful.
I mean, sooo bloody painful, but helpful.

He might be in a bad place mentally and emotionally, it might be for all kinds of 'reasonable' reasons that he's ended up having an emotional affair (at least) with this woman ... but the reasons don't excuse the behaviour. He's having (at least) an emotional affair with this woman and lying to you about it (even after you thought you'd found out and got ' the truth' about it.)
He was planning to continue to lie to you about it.

Screenshot everything and save it to the cloud somehow (email it to yourself, or a googledoc or something).

Do you have kids together?

I want it to work, we were so happy before we left England. And I don't want to give up my relationship for a relationship he has over text message that can't become anything but not if he is not willing to totally give that up. Thank you for replying

He's continuing to message her because he wants to.
He wants you at home doing 'wifely' things and to be his emotional punching bag, and he wants her there to provide excitement and an ego boost.

He wants to eat his cake and have it. He wants a wife and a mistress. He is being selfish and he is not thinking about your feelings or the love you deserve. He's doing it because he wants to, and he doesn't care enough about you to put you (individually) or you both/the relationship in front of what he wants.

I'm so sorry.

We have 3 children age 8,6 and 5. I feel like I should just go but it's made me realise how much I adore our family and I want us to go back to be happy.

I totally understand. I actually am NOT going to yell LeaveTheBastard right now. You will survive this. Everyone survives infidelity, either alone, as a couple, or alone and then eventually they find someone else. This hurts like a bastard but won't kill you OR ruin the children's lives.

You have two paths, I think: One is LTB (or plan to) and that means a kind of emotional disengagement while you collect a lot of information about all the money he has in all places, and you have jointly, and then you see a few solicitors until you find one you think can gut him/arrange fair division of married things, and then at some point when you have your 'ducks in a row' as MN likes to say, you leave/kick him out.

The first path heads towards divorce and the planning for it can be healing . INstead of feeling like you've been hoodwinked, you become the person DOING something and taking back control.
Plus, it gets a cheater out of your life which is really a good feeling in the long run..

The second path is Working It Out.

He has to see that he will lose you over this, and he has to not want to lose you (not guaranteed).
What you do to make him feel the seriousness of it, and what he can do to persuade you that he wants it to work ... that's something that varies.
Then you do months, possibly years, of couples counselling, and you having access to his laptop and phone and tablet and all passwords, at all times, forever.

You can go all the way down the second path and realise you don't love him any more. You can also survive infidelity as a couple (yes, it happens) and it can make a cheater talk more, open up, and actually be a better spouse. But the romance is gone and some of the trust is gone.

The marriage you thought you had is over.

It's okay for you to still love him.
The question is really for you to work out what you want. And you don't have to do that tonight.

I think going ballistic at this point (if you don't want to leave immediately and therefore go stealthy and Get Ducks In A Row) is quite beneficial. He might be scared enough of what you'll do/kicking him out/telling everyone that he actually comes clean.

Thanks for the replies, I know it's late in London. I just want pure honesty, I've already said to him if he wants to call it a day, I would never try and stop him being with the kids and he has said no he wants us to make it work and we would never have an affair or cheat on me. In his messages he did say he had never cheated on me to the other woman.

Just seen his text message to his friend saying he is thinking he will tell me it's over, he loves me and the kids but is so unhappy. Guess it's not even up to me anymore, my heart hurts so bad, it feel like it's gonna explode out of my chest and I can't stop my hands shaking.

He's cheated and is having an emotional affair. You dont need to touch someone to cheat. Now he's trying to not take the blame because he's unhappy. What a selfish, entitled prick. Cancel the move and stay close to family. I guarantee he'll go back to london without giving your kids a second thought. Find your anger because this man is treating you appallingly. You can do so much better.

Oh, bless you OP. Well, it does look like it's over.
Right, I'm afraid it's Ducks In A Row time. Now you have to be strong just when you're feeling totally devastated.
Make yourself a hot sweet drink right now. You're feeling awful; nothing weird or unreasonable about this. You've had a horrible shock and you've got the shakes. Drink something hot and sweet (whatever you can face, hot choc, hell, it doesn't have to be hot if you want a coke. Get some sugar into you pronto, and drink drink drink water.)

Do you have 'the cavalry' you can call? That mate who will ALWAYS have your back? You need someone to look after you for the rest of the day, I think, while you try to get things in order a bit. Got that kind of friend? Your mum? Someone who will just listen and say "what an utter bastard" and "let me put the kettle on" and "It will be alright" for a few hours?

I've been messaging my friend and she has called him every name under the sun. Don't want to tell my family yet, he works with my dad and would just be to troublesome. Don't want to tell my mum as she will tell my dad. Have ask my sister if she can come see me after work, don't want to destroy the relationship, the kids adore him

Stop it. Stop worrying about his feeling, his job, what people might say to him. These are consequences to his shitty behaviour. Dont keep his secrets and let his life go on as normal in the coming weeks whilst you fall apart inside. Unless you think you need time to get copies of his financial docs etc then talk to your mum. If not then make the decision based on what is best for you, not him because he'll be off to london by xmas to get his leg over whilst you look after the children. Stop worrying about what this waste of space will do and do what is best for you and your children. I'm glad you're seeing your sister. Stay strong.

Mum, I am so, so sorry, particularly about the last messages. It's so unfair when one person decides the entire family's future. It's especially hard when the person who's supposed to love and protect you is also the one who has hurt you so badly.

He may change his mind. The reality of actually leaving is much harder than it is to imagine it, and sharing with his "friend" may have been him venting or thinking out loud.

If he isn't sure, maybe you both should take some time before making any permanent decisions. If you both decide to work on things, you can still change your mind later.

I hope you'll consider counselling, both for you individually, and as a couple. It may help you make a decision, and even if it's to end your relationship, a trained therapist would be able to help guide you through the process.

Whatever you decide, please remember to take care of yourself. See an attorney to get the best information you can
and use it to get your ducks in a row.

💐💙

Thank you everyone, he has been telling his friend just minutes ago he is going to finish it, if I hadn't seen the messages maybe he would give it another go but I would be to paranoid now and would make him angry by being suspicious. So better to finish his relationship completely and leave his kids ! Wan*er

Im in Australia so im on same time as you.

He really could have just been venting to a friend, and not really mean it. Ive bitched to my friends about my ex for years threatening to leave him and never did (well I did eventually :P ) . He could just have done it all for an ego boost, and to add some spark to his life if hes feeling down about the relationship and work and your lifestyle. It is absolutely NOT an excuse, but it is an explanation. But he never did anything physical or even meet her in person and, i know for a lot of people that doesnt matter, but it would to me. Although I would go utterly ballistic and threaten all sorts, if he was repentant and apologetic, after a few weeks I would probably agree to urgent family counselling (whilst also getting your ducks in a row in case you need to leave). I do think you can get past this, if you both want to, but it depends if both are willing. Just my humble opinion though.

Thank you badass, he literally text his friend an hour ago saying we are going to talk and he thinks he is going to finish it as he couldn't handle my paranoia now I've seen he text some other girl.

I feel so distraught he doesn't want to try

Paranoia? Erm... it's not paranoia when it's actually happening.... twat.

It's astonishing how they lie so well and easily, iv just had a similar situation with mine. We are well over but coparent, he left DD chatting to someone on his facebook messenger on the computer, then merrily continued a conversation with his new woman on his phone, not realising DD and myself could see it. A few weeks ago he was declaring undying love to me, but there was no respect in the way he was talking about me to this woman! (Luckily DD cant read yet) When tackled about his dishonesty it was that i had 'taken it out of context'. lying bastard.

I think you'll be better off without, i can laugh at mine these days. It hurts like a bastard as said upthread, but you DO come through!

Ok, I am not going to be incredibly popular but I feel that you should not make decisions with such haste.
He moved to the other side of the world, has has been working for your dad who does not seem to be the most easy employer and he probably just feels isolated.
Yes, he is texting another woman but she is far far away and reminds him of another life, the one to which he is clinging to.
You moved back to your place, your family and your country, he did not. You said that he agreed with you before moving this was a better life , which indirectly suggests that you suggested.
It is not an easy step to do and he is probably regretting it. He probably would benefit from some counselling and both of you from some couple therapy. .
You have three children- give him a chance and do not take hasty decisions when you are desperate.

I agree with possiblynotever.

Of COURSE cheating is fucking awful and he's behaving badly. BUT I think it sounds like he's absolutely miserable and after a year living with what sounds like toxic in-laws and working with them too he sounds like he's ground down.
You hold all the cards here - he can't take your kids back to the UK and he can't make you come back with them. If he wants to leave you then he has to stay in Australia or rarely see his children.
If I were him I would probably feel pretty hopeless and trapped and maybe tricked - if the 'better life' you expected hasn't turned out to be better and maybe worse.
I'm not excusing his behaviour in the least but just saying you've been through a difficult time and maybe this woman is a distraction from that and from what sounds like quite a bleak situation.

My DH did similar.An EA long distance thing. I also saw messages . One thing he said in counselling was that it was a fantasy because he knew the distance meant nothing could happen. And it was an ego thing for both.

And the finishing remark is just that - a thought that he has yet to continue. The reality of what that actually means may make him think again.

I think his general unhappiness with the way things turned out in Australia made a fantasy thing even more attractive.

I hope that you both can agree to counselling before making any decisions. At least that way , if you do want to split, you would have tried for the sake of your children , to explore your options.

I am so sorry that youh are going through this. It so awful trying to continue on when you feel so low.

I think you could have got through the emotional affair but he convinced you he'd end it with her and is now telling her he'll end it with you? Because of your paranoia?

Well maybe if he wasn't such a lying piece of shit you'd have no reason to be paranoid...

I think previous posters might be on to something. The distance could make it seem even safer. He does sound unhappy.

If you love him and you're a decent team in general, AND you think he can understand that it must all pack in right now, completely, forever (never talking to her again, no more hanging about on his phone etc) then... I'd do counselling, separately and together. If it's what you want.