Need to release

[MumofThree78]

Hi there, I feel so alone and just need some outside perspective.

My OH of 20years and I move to Australia 4 years ago (I'm Aussie he is English) I asked him many times if he was sure and he wanted to give our kids a better life so said yes.

It was bad from the start, staying with my family for a year who were really difficult to be with, he became such an angry/sad person,didn't help he worked with my dad who is not easy to work for as talks down to people.

We have been pretty pushing through it and it's been fine, not amazing but mostly good.

Just found out he has been messaging some girl, came down at 5am and he had fallen asleep texting and phone was open,
saw me mentioned so read through, telling her he likes her how unhappy he is.

I read a few messages until I lost my temper and woke him saying seen all your messages, after a while, told me she is a girl he use to work with in London, ran into her (when we were there on holidays in August) and they kept in contact and it's been a release be able to talk to her and even tho he likes her it's cause nothing can happen cause she is in london. Said he won't speak to her again and deleted her off Facebook wants us to work, loves me and wants to work on our relationship.

We just sold our house to move to another state, I agreed to do this move away from my family as he is so unhappy and depressed and want us to be happy so thought a new start/new place would help.

Then this happens, I logged onto his Facebook account this morning and first thing this morning he has messaged her,
Said I don't know about the photos and videos he has deleted them from Facebook and had them in another app, broke his heart to delete them. Maybe they will have to start chatting in another app to be safer.

Why would he say wants to be with me and work on us and message her next morning, he is out at the moment and is coming home shortly, I was thinking to say I know more then I let on and this is your one chance to be honest and tell me everything if you really want this to work.

Please help, I've spent 2 days crying, I could forgive if he was commited but messaging her next day.

Sorry for long message and thank you

She is not interested, she is already telling him she is going to give him some space and told him she can tell I care and he should focus on that

We won't move if he doesn't want to make it work but he will move by himself and talked about coming down weekly to see kids. I think we could get through it if he was ready to try but I feel like he has given up, I can forgive texting that got out of hand, he said he knows nothing can ever happen between them which is why it was easier, he knows it's all his fault. He just said he has felt so empty and it was nice to talk to someone, he knows he let it go somewhere it shouldn't but said it's mostly relationship talk, the other stuff wasn't the main thing happening, which I can see from the texts I've seen

Have gone to work to keep my mind occupied

I understand the desire to keep your mind busy, I totally get it. What you need is some support from people who've been through this and can help you anticipate what happens.
Have you been reading any other (older) threads on this board? There are women who can give you a week-by-week account of what it feels like, how they manage, what they did... and I think it could be helpful to you.

You've been totally knocked sideways by unexpected information.
You can't control what he does and you can't make him a better person.
You can control what YOU do, and you can mitigate the damage for yourself and your DC. That's basically what you focus on now, and you give yourself lots of support from people in real life and on here, and lots of credit for keeping going.

You might find the long second post on this page helpful

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1634754-Men-affairs-what-is-the-script

because even though he says he's not 'having an affair' with this woman, he's having an emotional affair with her, detaching from the marriage, and blaming you... so you should probably read through to the end.

I feel like he's doing a lot of this

Chapter 7 - Avoid, Ignore, and Run Away

This chapter is to help you deal with the problems that your spouse will try to cause. We don't want you to have to "deal" with anything, now do we? You shouldn't have to "think" about any "issues" right now, except those that concern you "feeling good". The best way to handle this, is to Avoid, Ignore, and Run Away. Any time someone tries to make you see a more "reasonable" stance on a subject, simply Avoid making a reply...stare out into space, as if you are thinking about something important, and they will become uncomfortable and leave you alone.

If there are responsibilities that need your attention, simply ignore them. You don't have to do anything you don't feel like doing. And the best for last is Run Away! This can be accomplished in many different ways. OP's can help you Run Away from all of these "problems" as well as Alcohol, Drugs, New Sports Cars....etc the list is endless. Of course, you can always just leave...but remember not to let them know where you are going, and if you'll be back!!

Thanks Feck, that was a good read !

Well he has deactivated his Facebook for a week and said he blocked her, but I know that messenger still works so not sure if she could still send messages but did say to him thanks and maybe we can move on they can't contact each other. So least he thinks I don't think his messages works and I can still keep an eye on if any messages get sent, but seen none all day so fingers crossed he is really breaking contact. Has said he wants it to work, so going to give some ground rules and ultimatums xx

Wishing you lots of luck, OP.
We'll be here if you need to vent, ask for advice, or whatever.
There's a forum called 'surviving infidelity" and a book called 'not just friends' which you might find helpful.

Well the kids were at my mums overnight on Tuesday and I had a day at work which at least got my mind to think about something else for at least parts of the day. He text me to say he had deactivated his account and blocked her on Facebook.

We had the night to talk and when I asked him why he kept texting her after telling me he wanted it to try, he said he didn't know why, he just feels so empty and after knowing I found out everything thought he had fcuked it all up and he couldn't see how we were going to get pass this. He said he was surprised about how upset I was as he didn't think I cared anymore, but he had hoped the move would change things and then the texting would just drift off and stop as he said it was mostly just chit chat.

We talked more and he said he hoped that by deactivating his account that I could see he is serious about it now. I made him tell me exactly what kind, how many of video's, photo's they sent.

He told me how it all started, they had a big personal chat up at the pub (with all his cousin/brothers there) and had clicked and just talked a lot, but he said he was drunk and he does normally just talk to everyone. (Typical Irish)

He said a few weeks after we got back from uk (about 8weeks ago) she sent him a message on Facebook just a general how's things back in Australia, etc. he said from there they just started texting more and more often, then it got a bit flirty and thats when it became something it shouldn't. He said he was so unhappy, we were like flatmates and he enjoyed talking with her and feeling like someone fancied him. He got swept up but knew nothing would ever happen as they live in different countries, it was a fantasy and said it was more talking about how unhappy they both were and only if one of them had a drink would the photos, videos be sent

yesterday I had organised a surprise (before I knew of this) for us to fly and go visit properties for the day, I decided we should go up anyway and I booked in a few small apartments/townhouses to see that I told him we could see if case he ends up moving on his own(so he knows all's not forgiven)

We talked a lot all day, he has promised to be fully open, to go get counselling on his own and together, he can't be getting upset if I want to look at his phone, and if he is feeling annoyed or like I'm being distant, he talks and tells me and we make an effort to do things just the 2 of us and re-connect.

He said he deleted all the photos/videos when he deactivated his account and when I said let me see, he went into a secret calculator app(looks like a calculator) and types in a number it takes you to photo/video albums and they were all empty. I made him show me all the apps he has downloaded in past 3months and that was the only one that it could have been.

I made him show me all his phone contacts and there profiles on Facebook to make sure none were fake. Made him let me see his emails to make sure he hadn't emailed the photos (yes I have gone paranoid)

All day if I had any questions (even the uncomfortable ones) he answered and when I could see he felt irritated by it, I told him I want to be open and not keep things bottled in my head so he knows exactly what I'm thinking and he agreed that was better and answered everything.

I am not 100% sure what I want to do, I keep thinking of what my sister said that if I've just been drifting on unhappy anyway do I really want to keep going. But I guess before I always thought he has come here, left all his friends and family and he is unhappy so I'll just keep going and things will get better and we do have good patches and bad patches.

I think cause I thought the past couple of months had been a good patch this hurts more, but seeing the way he was yesterday I feel (and really hope) he is now being honest with me after talking I do feel it was more innocent most of the time (I saw them texting about movie's tv shows, football, etc) and it just got out of control(which is still deceitful) but I don't want to throw away 20yrs and break up our little family for texting a girl in another country. Yesterday I felt like we could go back to being us before we moved here, our youngest was 6months and we were the happiest we had ever been in our relationship.

Yesterday we held hands all day, we were always hand holders and I don't know when that stopped but it felt like a connection building again(I knows that's total cheese)

I know this has been a long post and I don't expect all great replies (I know lots of people will think I'm being weak or I should LTB) but it is also for me to put everything down and vent/release.

Anyone who has come back from something similar and things have got better after something like this, would love to hear from you.

And Thanks for letting me vent.

Vent away
Have to say I'm afraid I feel a bit sorry for him (and I'm a woman whose xh had an affair!) I think to move a zillion miles away, have a difficult start to his new life and have to just get on and cope with it would be very hard. Not to mention the fact that if he said he wanted to go home and you refused, he'd effectively lose his children if he went anyway. I'm not saying what he did was right - it clearly was not in any way the right thing to do - but I can see how, if you he was feeling really down, you may not have been the person he could tell. After all, he said he was happy to relocate and it made you happy too. He really shouldn't have contacted her, especially in the way he did, but maybe now it's out there, you can start to build the life you intended to.
I am rarely glass half full with such matters, but I do think this is something you can get past and be happy.

Thanks Drink cider, it's nice there have been a few people saying this is something we can get past and understand how it has happened, just don't want to be one of those women that everyone reads about and is like this is not acceptable LTB. That I'm not the only one who can see how this happened and thinks it is something we can get passed (but is still of course not ok what he did)

I think you can get through this. He's been doing this to avoid facing his unhappiness and in a weird way, he probably thinks he was trying to protect you from it.
But he's got to be honest (and you! )from now on.

Thanks feck, he said I couldn't come clean and tell you everything straight after, it was to hard, u were already hurt before you knew the worst stuff. He couldn't make himself confess, he was so mad at himself for fcuking up. Hopping to get a decent amount of sleep tonight, only got another 3hrs last night, feeling so drained !

I hope you sleep well!
You might want to take a look at Esther Perel's ted talk on infidelity, if you get time. I think it might be helpful to you both.

Had my first decent night sleep and it's just me and my youngest together today, today I'm a mixture of anger that he has done this and wondering how do you find the spark again ?

How do we feel more like a couple and not just a mum and dad, we have such great family time together but I've realised even more now, we rarely spend time as a couple together. Week days after kids in bed we are both on our phones and then go to bed separately, Im always asleep by time he comes to bed as he is a night owl.

Weekends it's just family time, how do we
start being us again ?

Well I got really drunk last night, played lots of power songs like Kelly Clarkson Stronger and belted my lungs out, then spent a few hours telling him what a wanker he is, with some crying and then more yelling. I was soooo mad yesterday, he sat and took it all, claimed responsibility.

He seemed moody this morning so asked what was wrong and he said it was a shit night, I said it has been a shit week ! He told me obviously I'm not going to be able to get over it, I did remind him it's not even been a week and it's the 1st time I've gotten really mad, he asked me to just give him a few mins to not talk about it, so left him to it while I showered. After that he said let's go out and get out of the house for the day (with the kiddies) I called him upstairs and got him to lie on the bed with me and said let's start today again, said good morning had a cuddle and we actually went on to have a nice day out and even held hands !

Going to contact a councillor my friend recommended for us to start going to see, Ive never been one to go see a councillor, always thought it's not really for me but I'm thinking talking to an outsider might help.

How are you feeling, OP?
I've been travelling for work and haven't been on MN for a bit. I hope things are going well for you.