Need to release

[MumofThree78]

Hi there, I feel so alone and just need some outside perspective.

My OH of 20years and I move to Australia 4 years ago (I'm Aussie he is English) I asked him many times if he was sure and he wanted to give our kids a better life so said yes.

It was bad from the start, staying with my family for a year who were really difficult to be with, he became such an angry/sad person,didn't help he worked with my dad who is not easy to work for as talks down to people.

We have been pretty pushing through it and it's been fine, not amazing but mostly good.

Just found out he has been messaging some girl, came down at 5am and he had fallen asleep texting and phone was open,
saw me mentioned so read through, telling her he likes her how unhappy he is.

I read a few messages until I lost my temper and woke him saying seen all your messages, after a while, told me she is a girl he use to work with in London, ran into her (when we were there on holidays in August) and they kept in contact and it's been a release be able to talk to her and even tho he likes her it's cause nothing can happen cause she is in london. Said he won't speak to her again and deleted her off Facebook wants us to work, loves me and wants to work on our relationship.

We just sold our house to move to another state, I agreed to do this move away from my family as he is so unhappy and depressed and want us to be happy so thought a new start/new place would help.

Then this happens, I logged onto his Facebook account this morning and first thing this morning he has messaged her,
Said I don't know about the photos and videos he has deleted them from Facebook and had them in another app, broke his heart to delete them. Maybe they will have to start chatting in another app to be safer.

Why would he say wants to be with me and work on us and message her next morning, he is out at the moment and is coming home shortly, I was thinking to say I know more then I let on and this is your one chance to be honest and tell me everything if you really want this to work.

Please help, I've spent 2 days crying, I could forgive if he was commited but messaging her next day.

Sorry for long message and thank you

Thank you all for your replies and advise, he has been really unhappy and I can home and we talked, he said is was just talk, she has blocked him on Facebook, said he has been so unhappy since we moved here, which I knew, I tried to encourage him to get a new job, to try and go out and socialise and he just didn't take action. So I agreed to us moving interstate, (house just sold) wanting to make us work, and I said if it's just a bit of venting I can move past that if he is 100% sure and committed to working on us, no secrets, we both make changes and try and get back what we had, he cried said yes. I asked him lots of times, r u sure, if u feel this isn't going to work then let's just call it a day, said I feel he is keeping something from me about this relationship (didn't confess I knew they had sent dirty video's photos) wanted him to say well it got a bit out of control but it's over. He claimed yes let's try. I okd and said I'm meeting m y sister as need to talk to somebody, he said he understood. Was out and can see minutes after I left he has messaged her saying I was really upset and wanted it to work, she was saying let's stop u should focus on your family and he is saying it's going to go wrong eventually and can they keep talking a bit longer !!!

Oh Jeez, OP.
I'm sorry to read that.
He's really determined to lie to you about this, he wants to keep it.

I can home and confronted him and he said well we can't come back from this and when I got so upset he said I didn't think you cared, we have been like flat mates for past 3 years, said I don't think we can move past this, sorry he hurt me, she is overseas so doesn't want to be with her but doesn't see how we move past this, I said u have to say u want to and be commited, not once have you said I'll stop talking to her,

sorry, that should have read "He wants to keep his pocket ego boost when he should be moving heaven and earth to reassure you that it's all over between him and her."

I'm so very sorry. I think any 'signs you can survive an affair' involves the cheater expressing deep remorse and interest in rebuilding bridges with the betrayed spouse. He's not doing that.

I know deck, it's like he wants to give up everything to keep texting a girl in another country, who I've discovered is actually his cousins girlfriend !! He knows I know, said I'm not making trouble for her, her relationship has nothing to do with me !

I know deck

Meant to say feck twice

It almost seems like he wants it to be over and he's pushing for a narrative where you broke it off, so he's not the baddie.

I'm don't want to sound weak, but I'm so scared to be alone, I've been with him since I was 21. My kids are going to be devastated not to see daddy everyday, can't believe he can give up on us all so easy

Yeah feck, that's how I feel, like he wants out but is to scared to do it, he is already scared of what this means as he said I'll be fine as have my family and the kids and he will be all alone only seeing kids once in a while, but he doesn't seem to want to fight to keep us

OP, you can say Feck as much as you like. If this wasn't MN and we weren't a nest of evil vipers, I'd offer you a bloody hug. You're just in this shit situation and you have my entire sympathy.

I think it's time to tell friends and get support.

You're not weak. You feel vulnerable because someone you trusted has betrayed you, but you are NOT weak. You will surprise yourself with how strong you really are. You don't even know it yet. But you can do this.

I feel to blame aswell, I did suggest the move here, I asked him 100's of time if he was sure, but he assured me it was a great place to raise kids and if we hate it we can come back, if offered to move back to uk so many times when he was unhappy but he said he can't go back now. He just didn't seem to want to make it better. My sister has been amazing and is hocked as she adores him and thinks he is the nicest guy

Thanks Feck, appreciate the advise

You're not to blame. You've done everything you can to make him happy. He's a scummy piece of shit.

His cousins girlfriend as well?!

You know what? You didn't force him. It's not like the UK is a lush place to live right now. He could have said no. He could have said 'wait'... if he's really so unable to talk to you about things then it explains a lot of his behaviour - he'd rather sneak around and lie than speak truthfully about what he feels and needs.

There are other threads on here where people have managed to divorce their cheating spouses with their heads held high. You'll manage it too.
browse this site and feel better: it's not your fault and hey, you're not alone www.chumplady.com/stupid-shit-cheaters-say/

Thanks, might try and get some sleep, meant to be up for work in 5hours and I'm shattered and feel sick

Try to rest. I like the headspace app - try one of the sleepcasts. Or any meditation app you like. listen to the dreamy sleep stories and even if your mind is racing, let your body rest.
You're going to live a long and happy life after this shitty episode is over. Let people look after you.
Goodnight!

Yup, and PP said just now: you're not to blame.
www.chumplady.com/2019/11/how-to-save-your-marriage-after-infidelity-2/
"Realize it’s not your fault. Pay no attention to the blameshifting. You didn’t hold a gun to their head and force them to create dating profiles. You might actually suck, but you did not make your cheater cheat. That’s completely on them. People have agency and many options including therapy, divorce lawyers, and honest conversations. They cheated because they wanted to. It’s that simple."

he's doing ALL of this because he wants to.

Oh my god, I can't sleep, my mind won't switch off and he is downstairs on sofa and all I want to do is sneak down and snoop on his phone and see the photos and videos he has hidden on some app. I don't want to see it but I want to see what's been exchanged, am I a sicko ?

You're not a sicko for wanting to know the truth because he sure as shit won't give it to you.

You could also use it as an excuse to laugh at how pathetic and desperate he is and it might make you feel better!

I don't know what the girl is thinking ! I think she is maybe only 30 pretty and he is a bald overweight, bad breathed, ginger wanker who has never been great in bed anyway ! (But he was my bald overweight, stinky ginger) my sister said it doesn't sound like you have been happy and I haven't but I feel like this could be a wake up call to both of us, but I can't do that if he isn't giving up chatting to the other woman, even if nothing will ever happen with her. Im so confused

Can you stop the move?

That he's been unhappy can't be seen as absolving it, because the same might happen again in future if he's unhappy again over anything in life.

So what does this woman think of him? Does she have feelings for him?