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Relationships

Not sure DH is the man I married (LOOOONNNGGG)

86 replies

Meeely2 · 20/08/2007 09:58

for those of you who hate those self pitying posts with wimpering wives asking how it got like this,,, look away now.....

DH and I had a well deserved weekend off this weekend. Packed boys off to Nanny's for the weekend and prepared for much sleeping and much laziness!

I dropped them off (200 mile round trip but worth it) and joined DH in pub upon my return. Already been drinking which I was prepared for, so no surprises. He was very affectionate and touchy feely (not my DH at all) and then decides in a quiet moment to tell me he'd been naughty and taken cocaine!

After huge deep breath so as not to make a scene in public i reply with oh really? He looks very pleased with himself and says yes, he has more, would I like some! In a firm but not dramatic way I refuse (I have NEVER touched drugs in my life and I not going to start at 31)

Anyway, subject diverted we have our evening out with me constantly thinking all the affection and puppy dog eyes are not real they are drug induced. We get home and he starts on again, am I sure I don't want any? Now I'm not sure how Cocaine affects people so I didn't get all confrontational incase he got angry (he is a very volatile person). I refuse, so what does he do.....snorts some off my kitchen worktop, in front of me. Says he wanted me to see so I could be involved, like we some sort or secret gang.

Anyway after I made my feelings completely clear, much tears and 'how could you'....he was very sorry and flushed the rest down the loo. He was then like the man I always wanted him to be - this is the strange part and this could be normal for cocaine takers as i really don't know.

He talked to me, like REALLY talked to me, we discussed the boys and how we have issues with one of them - he supported me, understood my issues, told me how much he loved me even though he doesn't always show it. Felt like we bonded, but all the time I'm thinking 'drugs, drugs'.

Then yesterday, boys come home, they both kick off as they want to go back to nannys, so I get a bit weepy cos neither want to see me and i feel rejected (yes ok, stupid and needy of me), but he flips tells me to pull myself together and stop being so pathetic.

This morning, Arthur was playing with a plug and while i turned me back, ended up snapping the earth pin off in the plug socket. So i tell him off, he cries - dh wades in and tells me to stop picking on him, always on at him. I ask him if he remembers Friday and what we spoke about regarding Arthur....he tells me to fook off and stop going on at him, he then takes both kids in or bedroom to watch telly and admittedly makes a good job of calming them down, but i know he's thinking 'ha, stupid witch, look at me being the better parent' all about one-up-man-ship.

So anyway, my point is, sunday and this morning is what i would normally expect from him, miserable moody angry. On Friday is how I WANT him to be, SANS drugs....he said on friday that with the drugs his inhibitions have gone so he is more open....so does that mean - he does have strong feelings for me but just finds it easier to shout? or is he just talking bollox and I should have been out the door on Saturday morning?

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meowmix · 22/08/2007 10:37

Meely we're not getting at you, or at least I'm not anyway, but this is a huge step you're talking about, make sure you've thought it through. CD is right - go get yourself some counselling, someone to talk to at the very least. There's more to this than the coke isn't there?

and your expectations are perfectly valid BUT to play devils avocado for a minute, his expectations of a night alone with his wife were to have fun and to him that involved drugs, to you it didn't.

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Meeely2 · 22/08/2007 10:37

and it was a chopping board he did it on, which is pourous, i bet there are still reminants in there somewhere

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CountessDracula · 22/08/2007 10:37

assuming is dangerous

Also think you sound hysterical, saying that drugs come first, just because he does them sometimes doesn't mean he doesn't lvoe you and your kids and put you first. Everyone is entitled to a bit of their life that is just theirs fgs. I am NOT condoning his drug use btw when I say that as clearly it has a knock on effect with his moods etc.

OR maybe he has a problem with them. Who knows? But one way or the other you have to get tot he bottom of it

If I hated drinking and my dh got drunk one night would you think I should leave him? Leave out the "oooh it's illegal" bit, that is irrelevant really and just you using it to back up your reaciton

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Meeely2 · 22/08/2007 10:38

meow - exactly - if our views on a night in together are soooooooo extremely different it can't work can it?

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CountessDracula · 22/08/2007 10:38

so chuck it out
it's only a chopping board fgs

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CountessDracula · 22/08/2007 10:39

Oh fuck it I give up
ruin your kids' life then

see if I care
you just aren't listening to reason

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Meeely2 · 22/08/2007 10:40

"I wouldn't tolerate my dh behaving like this, but then he knows that and wouldn't behave like this"

I would have said exactly the same about my DH last thursday and believed it wholeheartedly.....he abused that belief in him

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BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 22/08/2007 10:44

M2

I notice from your profile, that you say you "had issues with my DH and worked through it".

Is it possible that this is the straw that broke the camels back ??

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meowmix · 22/08/2007 10:45

bloody hell on that basis I should have divorced dh eons ago. His idea of a good night in is to watch stargate drinking beer and I bloody hate it and don't drink beer, he likes going to the golf club and I prefer the japanese restaurant. Even married couples are allowed to have different expectations about nights out/in together.

One night does not have to end a marriage. And boil wash the chopping board if you're that fussed. Or bin it and buy a new one. If he'd snorted it while the kids were eating dinner that'd be different

The problem is that neither of you seem prepared to discuss adapting your own expectations or compromising. You're both going to have to be a bit flexible unless you want to end up on your own for reasons you aren't sharing.

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oliveoil · 22/08/2007 10:46

I think there is more to this than the coke, agree with CD and others, you need to talk things through, maybe councelling

although I would rather eat my foot than go to counselling personally. BUT I would talk to dh PROPERLY

it sounds like a coke waffle followed by a come down

can you make a good dinner one night when the children are in bed and have time to yourself?

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Meeely2 · 22/08/2007 10:48

CD your reason is, it's just a line of coke, whats the deal. to me it isn't just a line of coke and never will be. I apologise for holding such a strong view, but when i married dh he was aware of those strong views and now it would appear he didn't care.....

i just posted for advice and support and for the most part i got that, you can't profess to know me or my dh, and i don't expect you to.. DH is a very volatile human being and seems over the years i have been married to him got worse. I thought he was just a miserable sod and chose to live with it, but could it be he has been suffering come downs etc? I don't know now, but he has been making out his moods are my fault all this time, when really there was nothing i could have done to improve his mood....

Of course councelling is the answer, - i have been going myself for depression, but there is not a cat in hells chance i will get him through the door - no i'm not being defeatist, i know him better than you guys do (ha thats actually laughable now isn't it!)

yes it's more deep rooted than one line of coke, it's many lines of coke which i now think could have been causing all our angst and fall outs over the years and i just don't like it - ok

thanks for all the replies anyway, you have all listened way more than DH would, and i feel I have got a load of my chest.

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Meeely2 · 22/08/2007 10:48

OO, I don't cook

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oliveoil · 22/08/2007 10:51

learn?

ready meal?

take away?

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CountessDracula · 22/08/2007 10:52

When you are talking to him about things do you display the same inability to take on board other possibilites as you do on here?
Are you always "I am in the right becasue I told you I didn't like it and it's illegal"

That will get you nowhere

Do you think people whose dh's have had affairs for eg thought that it was right?

Stop being so obsessed with being wronged and try and sort it out for your dcs' sake

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meowmix · 22/08/2007 10:52

takeaway then?

hope you work it through to the right result for you anyway.

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Meeely2 · 22/08/2007 10:52

Bree - quite possibly yes, because the issues we worked through before may well have been non-existant and dh was hiding behind them.

I left him for a few days last year when he refused to help with kids and support me, even though we both worked full time. When i got home, we talked loads and sorted loads out. We split childcare 50/50 and I started to feel like i was getting my life back.

C'est la vie

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BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 22/08/2007 10:53

LGJ waves at Dracula...


When do you want my money for the Christmas Party ???

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CountessDracula · 22/08/2007 10:54

but equally they may have been
have you asked him?
You have no real evidence that he has been taking coke for years do you?

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CountessDracula · 22/08/2007 10:54

not yet!

Will let you know later this week

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oliveoil · 22/08/2007 10:55

note your use of 'talked loads'

carry on doing it

we have 'talks' (ie rants) a least once a week, keeps us both on our toes and the house running as we BOTH want it

if you both sit and stew thinking lazy fecker or moaning old hag, then nothing gets sorted

keep chipping away

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Meeely2 · 22/08/2007 10:58

i also think affairs are wrong, but thats just me.

I have backed down CD, so lets just agree to disagree, because i find threads where people just bicker very tedious and i didn't want mine to turn into that - because i felt so strongly i assumed everyone else did too and i would be flooded with LEAVE HIM LEAVE HIM posts - i honestly didn't think there was a side that was sympathtic to casual drug use, I just assumed DH was in the wrong and that was that.

possibly my sheltered upbringing to blame, but i won't be made to feel like a prude because of how i feel about drugs. i will however talk to DH, but if what you say is true CD, then it won't get me very far as i will hound dh with 'you are wrong' and dh will shrug it off with 'no it's not'

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oliveoil · 22/08/2007 11:00

I think affairs are wrong too, but I don't think I would leave dh if he had one

and I don't agree with class A's when you have children, but mainly because of expense and comedowns

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CountessDracula · 22/08/2007 11:02

So maybe start the conversation on another footing

I am rather concerned that although you know I am strongly against drug use you still do it. Do you think maybe you have a problem with drugs?
Can you explain to me why you do it?
Do you get something from it that I don't understand?
Would you consider stopping?
Have you been doing it for a long time without me knowing?
Do you feel that you will have to keep doing it knowing it makes me feel unhappy and uncomfortable?
Do you realise that I have been thinking about leaving as I am so unhapppy and confused by your behaviour the other night. I haven't left because I want to try and understand what makes you take drugs and see if I can help you to stop

etc

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CountessDracula · 22/08/2007 11:03

or were you really only starting the thread to get confirmation that you are in fact right, that he is a tosser and that you are justified in going
Life ain't that simple

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Meeely2 · 22/08/2007 11:05

OO i think thats what hurts the most - cos weren't weren't sitting stewing, we do talk, WAY more than we used to. He is way more hands on with the kids, everything WAS tickerdy boo.....so yeah maybe i am being melodramatic, nowt else seemed to be wrong apart from his general grumpiness and unwillingness to go out in public with the kids (has a real thing with them kicking off and embarrassing him).....It hurts that he thought we should spend our weekend off from the kids, sat in taking drugs - I just don't know where he got the idea from or why he thought I would be involved. Plus he knew how bad you feel AFTER taking drugs, so knew the rest of the weekend would be him feeling like crap while i pottered round the house cleaning - whoopy bloody do......

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