Not sure DH is the man I married (LOOOONNNGGG)

[Meeely2]

for those of you who hate those self pitying posts with wimpering wives asking how it got like this,,, look away now.....

DH and I had a well deserved weekend off this weekend. Packed boys off to Nanny's for the weekend and prepared for much sleeping and much laziness!

I dropped them off (200 mile round trip but worth it) and joined DH in pub upon my return. Already been drinking which I was prepared for, so no surprises. He was very affectionate and touchy feely (not my DH at all) and then decides in a quiet moment to tell me he'd been naughty and taken cocaine!

After huge deep breath so as not to make a scene in public i reply with oh really? He looks very pleased with himself and says yes, he has more, would I like some! In a firm but not dramatic way I refuse (I have NEVER touched drugs in my life and I not going to start at 31)

Anyway, subject diverted we have our evening out with me constantly thinking all the affection and puppy dog eyes are not real they are drug induced. We get home and he starts on again, am I sure I don't want any? Now I'm not sure how Cocaine affects people so I didn't get all confrontational incase he got angry (he is a very volatile person). I refuse, so what does he do.....snorts some off my kitchen worktop, in front of me. Says he wanted me to see so I could be involved, like we some sort or secret gang.

Anyway after I made my feelings completely clear, much tears and 'how could you'....he was very sorry and flushed the rest down the loo. He was then like the man I always wanted him to be - this is the strange part and this could be normal for cocaine takers as i really don't know.

He talked to me, like REALLY talked to me, we discussed the boys and how we have issues with one of them - he supported me, understood my issues, told me how much he loved me even though he doesn't always show it. Felt like we bonded, but all the time I'm thinking 'drugs, drugs'.

Then yesterday, boys come home, they both kick off as they want to go back to nannys, so I get a bit weepy cos neither want to see me and i feel rejected (yes ok, stupid and needy of me), but he flips tells me to pull myself together and stop being so pathetic.

This morning, Arthur was playing with a plug and while i turned me back, ended up snapping the earth pin off in the plug socket. So i tell him off, he cries - dh wades in and tells me to stop picking on him, always on at him. I ask him if he remembers Friday and what we spoke about regarding Arthur....he tells me to fook off and stop going on at him, he then takes both kids in or bedroom to watch telly and admittedly makes a good job of calming them down, but i know he's thinking 'ha, stupid witch, look at me being the better parent' all about one-up-man-ship.

So anyway, my point is, sunday and this morning is what i would normally expect from him, miserable moody angry. On Friday is how I WANT him to be, SANS drugs....he said on friday that with the drugs his inhibitions have gone so he is more open....so does that mean - he does have strong feelings for me but just finds it easier to shout? or is he just talking bollox and I should have been out the door on Saturday morning?

[chopster]

hey meeley!

I am so . My bloody phone is dead and the chip has been mislaid, I will text when I find it.

Hope you are ok, {{{hugs}}}.

[Meeely2]

fatslag i love you! what a lovely post! sooo refreshing.

I have had lots of time to think - had another chat with DH last night (yes i'm not so niave to think he was stone cold sober at the time but....) he for now has agreed to think about councelling after we get back off hols. He really 'wants' to be a better man and be as open with me as he is when he's done coke (everytime i write that i think god it makes it sound like he's on it all the time).

He says he has so much to say so much he wants to tell me, but just can't cos he's so emotionally retarded. He said that he thinks it's due to his upbringing, not a very emotional family, they never shared their feelings...plus his dad cheated on his mum when he was 15 and he's never forgiven him. It was good to hear all this, but I know we will be back to grumpy withdrawn dh when he gets back from leeds, so i have written it down for him to read and deal with if he wants to. I hope he does make the effort and i'm willing to support him, but i realise i can't MAKE him to anything, so have listened and noted and will gently push when we get back off hols....

Thanks for listening - now back to my bf vs ff debate!

[fatslag]

Meeely, now I understand why the bf/ff rant threat provides you with light relief! It is so easy for all of us who are not going through this to give advice. And to anyone who said "I would kick him straight out on his arse", NO YOU WOULDN'T. It is incredibly difficult to end a marriage particularly one involving kids, jobs and mortgages. My tuppence worth is:

1. Drug addiction is a slippery slope. Agree with whoever said that in two years' time he may have a criminal record. He may be controlling it now, but for how much longer?
   
2. Have your contingency plan in place for if you decide you cannot stand any more. Have your pay transferred to a personal and not a joint account - if he decides he wants to go to one of his festivals with a few grand, you need to know that you always have money available to feed the kids and pay the bills.
   
3. Arrange your bolthole if you have to leave in a hurry - a friend, family member, someone who would open the door to you and your kids in the middle of the night if necessary.
   
4. HE WILL ONLY CHANGE IF HE WANTS TO CHANGE. Nothing you can do or say will make him change his ways if he doesn't want to.
   
5. Maybe start looking around for a different job?
   
6. I think getting his family members to talk to him is a great idea. Often the wife becomes "the enemy". If his brother is a policeman, so much the better, see if you can get him to scare the cr*p out of him.
   
7. Professional therapy is a great idea in theory, but I think will only make a difference if he wants it to. From what you said of his reactions when you tried to talk through it, at the moment he doesn't.
   
   Good luck good luck good luck and be strong. You could come and stay with me in France, but the weather sucks at the moment and it would be a hell of a commute!

[hls]

I'm sure you'll find them helpful- good luck!

[Meeely2]

i think what i am expecting from SIL is not insight or advice, more that i know i have support in what I decide to do. I think I need to know that i have people to turn to once I know what I am doing.

it's a bit spooky, but i was at docs today for routine check up and i went to the loo while i was waiting - what should be on the back of the door but a poster advertising support for partners of drug users/abusers! I have torn off the take away number and plan to ring tomorrow (they open 9am - 7pm).

[hls]

I'm glad you have his sister to talk to, but quite honestly she is to close to the situation. His relationship with you is very diferent from that with his sister- and no matter what "explanation" she can give or how much light she sheds on it all, it is still up to you what you do then. You seem reluctant to take this outside the family and ask for expert advice- I still suggest that, but it's your decision.

[Meeely2]

thanks hls

I have been in touch with his sister as she knows historically what dh is like she has lived with him far longer than I have. She is shocked and appalled at what he has done, but she doesn't know the best step forward. It is good however to have someone who knows DH to talk to and chew things over with.

I find him so hard to talk to without confrontation, but as someone else said, he may find me equally as hard to talk to.....I used to write him letters when things got to me, so that i could get it all down on paper, may try that again, see how we get on......

[hls]

M2- I am sorry you have had such a hard time with some replies.

Originally I suggested that you went along to on eof the drug support agencies- and I still say that. They would see you alone and they are the experts. I think I said that I once worked with a client whose husband took drugs over their marriage. When she started seeing me, he started on drugs again- as he felt threatened by the changes she was planning to her life. She went back to the drugs counselling centre and they told her to leave him alone- they said that her interference would not help- they said she had to allow him to sort out his drug problem, and get on with her own life. The outcome was that she "grew" and they split up. Their children were much older than yours but she left him to share with a friend until the money was sorted.

I amsure that the drugs counselling centre would advise you - he would have to pay child maintainance if you split, so you might be able to get that whilst you were separated. That is what I meant in my other post about a legal separation. I have a client currently who legally separated and his wife receives maintanance even though they are not divorced- it is a legal agreement. You might be able to rent a house until things are sorted.

I think we all have lines (sorry!!) that once crossed mean a relationship is over. Drugs are your line. I do agree that discussion should be the next step, but if he won't, then you have to go it alone and get expert advice. I find it a bit odd if this has come out of the blue- if there has been no suggestion of drugs etc in all your marriage, or your social lives, or your friends' lives- but maybe there was and you didn't know? Or that you didn't know his views on drugs and on kids' taking drugs. These are the things I talked about when I was going out with my husband, a long time before we got married.
If your husband had had a big personality change, then he certainly needs help- but unless he can see that for himself, you are flogging a dead horse. He might not see it until you take action, or never, but you have to do what is best for you.

[Meeely2]

hurly burly - nope thats it, i am just a saint i guess

[Meeely2]

CD - he gave me a few of those answers when he had verbal diareah (sp?) on friday

I am rather concerned that although you know I am strongly against drug use you still do it. Do you think maybe you have a problem with drugs?
No he doesn;t have a problem - he likes it
Can you explain to me why you do it?
He does it cos he likes it
Do you get something from it that I don't understand?
I will never understand what he gets from it as i have never taken it....
Would you consider stopping?
Stop no, he doesn't have a problem, he likes it
Have you been doing it for a long time without me knowing?
on and off, lads weekends away, festivals etc
Do you feel that you will have to keep doing it knowing it makes me feel unhappy and uncomfortable?
yes
Do you realise that I have been thinking about leaving as I am so unhapppy and confused by your behaviour the other night. I haven't left because I want to try and understand what makes you take drugs and see if I can help you to stop
this hasn;t been discussed yet obviously

[Hurlyburly]

M2, I am sorry you are feeling like this. Looking at it from his perspective, he wanted to share something with you, and is probably a bit disappointed that you weren't up for it. Not condoning the drug use, but it isn't the worst thing in the world, is it? He hasn't harmed anyone, other than potentially himself.

You are right to be concerned about the drug use, obviously, and right to try and help him stop. Drug use is damaging and expensive. But overreacting and getting holier-than-thou isn't the way to help him. Nor is having a hissy fit about the chopping board.

Is there something more you haven't told us?

[Meeely2]

OO i think thats what hurts the most - cos weren't weren't sitting stewing, we do talk, WAY more than we used to. He is way more hands on with the kids, everything WAS tickerdy boo.....so yeah maybe i am being melodramatic, nowt else seemed to be wrong apart from his general grumpiness and unwillingness to go out in public with the kids (has a real thing with them kicking off and embarrassing him).....It hurts that he thought we should spend our weekend off from the kids, sat in taking drugs - I just don't know where he got the idea from or why he thought I would be involved. Plus he knew how bad you feel AFTER taking drugs, so knew the rest of the weekend would be him feeling like crap while i pottered round the house cleaning - whoopy bloody do......

[CountessDracula]

or were you really only starting the thread to get confirmation that you are in fact right, that he is a tosser and that you are justified in going
Life ain't that simple

[CountessDracula]

So maybe start the conversation on another footing

I am rather concerned that although you know I am strongly against drug use you still do it. Do you think maybe you have a problem with drugs?
Can you explain to me why you do it?
Do you get something from it that I don't understand?
Would you consider stopping?
Have you been doing it for a long time without me knowing?
Do you feel that you will have to keep doing it knowing it makes me feel unhappy and uncomfortable?
Do you realise that I have been thinking about leaving as I am so unhapppy and confused by your behaviour the other night. I haven't left because I want to try and understand what makes you take drugs and see if I can help you to stop

etc

[oliveoil]

I think affairs are wrong too, but I don't think I would leave dh if he had one

and I don't agree with class A's when you have children, but mainly because of expense and comedowns

[Meeely2]

i also think affairs are wrong, but thats just me.

I have backed down CD, so lets just agree to disagree, because i find threads where people just bicker very tedious and i didn't want mine to turn into that - because i felt so strongly i assumed everyone else did too and i would be flooded with LEAVE HIM LEAVE HIM posts - i honestly didn't think there was a side that was sympathtic to casual drug use, I just assumed DH was in the wrong and that was that.

possibly my sheltered upbringing to blame, but i won't be made to feel like a prude because of how i feel about drugs. i will however talk to DH, but if what you say is true CD, then it won't get me very far as i will hound dh with 'you are wrong' and dh will shrug it off with 'no it's not'

[oliveoil]

note your use of 'talked loads'

carry on doing it

we have 'talks' (ie rants) a least once a week, keeps us both on our toes and the house running as we BOTH want it

if you both sit and stew thinking lazy fecker or moaning old hag, then nothing gets sorted

keep chipping away

[CountessDracula]

not yet!

Will let you know later this week

[CountessDracula]

but equally they may have been
have you asked him?
You have no real evidence that he has been taking coke for years do you?

[BreeVanDerCampLGJ]

LGJ waves at Dracula...


When do you want my money for the Christmas Party ???

[Meeely2]

Bree - quite possibly yes, because the issues we worked through before may well have been non-existant and dh was hiding behind them.

I left him for a few days last year when he refused to help with kids and support me, even though we both worked full time. When i got home, we talked loads and sorted loads out. We split childcare 50/50 and I started to feel like i was getting my life back.

C'est la vie

[meowmix]

takeaway then?

hope you work it through to the right result for you anyway.

[CountessDracula]

When you are talking to him about things do you display the same inability to take on board other possibilites as you do on here?
Are you always "I am in the right becasue I told you I didn't like it and it's illegal"

That will get you nowhere

Do you think people whose dh's have had affairs for eg thought that it was right?

Stop being so obsessed with being wronged and try and sort it out for your dcs' sake

[oliveoil]

learn?

ready meal?

take away?

[Meeely2]

OO, I don't cook