Not sure DH is the man I married (LOOOONNNGGG)

[Meeely2]

for those of you who hate those self pitying posts with wimpering wives asking how it got like this,,, look away now.....

DH and I had a well deserved weekend off this weekend. Packed boys off to Nanny's for the weekend and prepared for much sleeping and much laziness!

I dropped them off (200 mile round trip but worth it) and joined DH in pub upon my return. Already been drinking which I was prepared for, so no surprises. He was very affectionate and touchy feely (not my DH at all) and then decides in a quiet moment to tell me he'd been naughty and taken cocaine!

After huge deep breath so as not to make a scene in public i reply with oh really? He looks very pleased with himself and says yes, he has more, would I like some! In a firm but not dramatic way I refuse (I have NEVER touched drugs in my life and I not going to start at 31)

Anyway, subject diverted we have our evening out with me constantly thinking all the affection and puppy dog eyes are not real they are drug induced. We get home and he starts on again, am I sure I don't want any? Now I'm not sure how Cocaine affects people so I didn't get all confrontational incase he got angry (he is a very volatile person). I refuse, so what does he do.....snorts some off my kitchen worktop, in front of me. Says he wanted me to see so I could be involved, like we some sort or secret gang.

Anyway after I made my feelings completely clear, much tears and 'how could you'....he was very sorry and flushed the rest down the loo. He was then like the man I always wanted him to be - this is the strange part and this could be normal for cocaine takers as i really don't know.

He talked to me, like REALLY talked to me, we discussed the boys and how we have issues with one of them - he supported me, understood my issues, told me how much he loved me even though he doesn't always show it. Felt like we bonded, but all the time I'm thinking 'drugs, drugs'.

Then yesterday, boys come home, they both kick off as they want to go back to nannys, so I get a bit weepy cos neither want to see me and i feel rejected (yes ok, stupid and needy of me), but he flips tells me to pull myself together and stop being so pathetic.

This morning, Arthur was playing with a plug and while i turned me back, ended up snapping the earth pin off in the plug socket. So i tell him off, he cries - dh wades in and tells me to stop picking on him, always on at him. I ask him if he remembers Friday and what we spoke about regarding Arthur....he tells me to fook off and stop going on at him, he then takes both kids in or bedroom to watch telly and admittedly makes a good job of calming them down, but i know he's thinking 'ha, stupid witch, look at me being the better parent' all about one-up-man-ship.

So anyway, my point is, sunday and this morning is what i would normally expect from him, miserable moody angry. On Friday is how I WANT him to be, SANS drugs....he said on friday that with the drugs his inhibitions have gone so he is more open....so does that mean - he does have strong feelings for me but just finds it easier to shout? or is he just talking bollox and I should have been out the door on Saturday morning?

[alipiggie]

I'm am shocked that you can even countenance drugs in the same house as children . Call me a prude, old-fashioned, ignorant, whatever, but I would never ever allow that. Do you actually trust the children with him in a drug-induced state? Please do yourself and your children a favour and get him to kick the habit and if needs be you go and see a counsellor and maybe talk to someone to help you with the issues with your child too.

I'm sorry that you had such a hard time, but drugs . They scare me and I hope with all my heart that my boys never ever try anything whatsoever.

[hls]

I don't think you should even try to understand where he is coming from with his being unfulfilled/unhappy/whatever. He clearly is a very mixed-up, immature man who should not have children - as he cannot behave responsibly.

I suggest you see a solicitor fast. You might be able to get a legal separation and some financial support from him so you can rent a place for you and your boys.

I know it is hard, but forget about finding out why he is like he is- there are no answers to t hat- he needs therapy, full stop.
I can't give you tel nos etc but you must be able to find out about drug support centres for people locally- go along and talk to them- they must deal all the time with partners who want to get out of the family home.

How can you ever be sure that he won't snort in front of the kids? Or that you can trust him to look after them when he might be in adrug induced state?

[Meeely2]

alipiggie - i believe the point of my post was that I DO NOT countenance drugs in the same house as my children?? or did i not make that clear enough, or are you trying to say that i should have stopped my 20st drunk drug influenced husband from taking them in the house? cos if you can tell me how i could have done that, then great i'll remember it for next time.

[Meeely2]

i do see your point hls - i have contacted his sister for some advice. I simply do not have the money to just go it alone with no planning. I work full time so not eligable for any state support, but i could not afford the kids nursery fee's on my own either.....this needs to be planned properly so as it's as least traumatic for the kids - they of course do not know that daddy is a coke head or what one is and i am not juvenile enough to start with the 'we are leaving cos daddy is a horrible man...' I'll leave all that pettiness to him.....

[fawkeoff]

ali i was under the impression that the children where at their grandparents house.whether it is right or wrong to take drugs would u have rather meeley try and confront her drunk dp while he is taking drugs.....what more can u possibly do other than be against the situation??????.

[Meeely2]

thanks fawkoff - this post was more about "this has happened, i really didn't like it, can't change it now, but what to do about it?"

H is a very unreasonable man when confronted and when he knows he's in the wrong - this is going to be messy if I do go the divorce route, but i don't think i have any other options. my only regret is that the boys are going to end up another statistic of a broken home plus my H will make this has hard as poss and will do the poisoning thing with the boys when i'm not there.

I just have to be strong and let the boys make their own minds up as they get older and also not sink to his level of counteracting his insults.....

I'm deeply sad that he put drugs before us, but he is a grown up and should take responsibility for his actions.

[fawkeoff]

meeley you have to do what is best for u and ur dc.you are the one who has to live your life day to day, so u are the one that needs to make sure that u have a stable family unit.....and if that means dh isnt in the picture then thats the way it will have to be.He was totally out of line taking drugs in the family home, but men are fuckin stupid and dont think before the act on their impulses.The drugs matter aside you just sound so unhappy anyway and the drug taking is just ur route out,and i dont blame u x

[Meeely2]

I am very unhappy yes fawkoff, but also bricking it!

H also works with me, so the knock on effect of this is potentially huge......

[obimomkanobi]

And the knock on effect of things remaining as they are will be 'huger.

For me class A drugs would be a deal breaker, I really think that you do need to get yourself and your kids out of this before it gets worse.

You say that he's a miserable git, in 2 years time he could be a miserable git who has spent all your money on coke, or he could be a violent git, or a git with a criminal record.

[Meeely2]

I know i know - and i would be giving the same advise to ANYONE else in my situation, no questions asked, get out.

Thing is I have a job, I have no family here where i can go just to 'get out' while i sort myself out. I have no savings. I have a £40k loan with dh, plus our £80k mortgage.

If I moved to be near my parents i would need to find money to buy a house, or find money to rent one - i would need to find a job. In the meantime i have no one to sub me, mum skint, sis skint, dad skint. If you leave a job volutarily you have to wait 6 months i think before u can sign on for benefits.

And yes this is all superficial when compared to me and my kids wellbeing, but surely being able to provide for them is as important as getting out of a bad environment, what i really need is advice on where to start?

My In Laws wouldn't sub me, as obviously that would be siding against their son - even though he is in the wrong, they still have to support him (i would do the same to my kids).

So really, and i know you have heard it all before from beaten wives who think up excuses not to leave all the time, I AM TRAPPED. It's all about MONEY, I have none, we have none, i don't even have a pension have a huge overdraft etc etc....

[fawkeoff]

you would be eligible for benefits because of the circumstances.you can just claim that you've had to leave dh for blah blah reason, therefore you have to leave yur job through complications of the split....ring the cab and see what u would be entitled to, i do know that u can claim income support for you and your sons, which is differant from job seekers allowance, i dont think you have to wait to claim those benefits at all.and if you where thinking of moving and renting then the housing offices will give you help with a bond if you decided to go private.You should be thinking about putting your name down for a house as well

[CountessDracula]

Can I just get this straight

Your dh did one line of coke when dcs not in house
you told him you didn't approve
He flushed the rest down the loo and was under the influence for a bit then grumpy afterwards

And you are leaving him for that??

There must be a lot else wrong with your relationshop if you are prepared to give it all up over a line of coke...

[Meeely2]

CD - so drugs are fine?

am i not allowed to have strong opinions and for those opinions to be respected? My issue is he felt he needed to take coke on a night in with me?? and then couldn't flush it without taking one more snort while still at home with me. he wasn't out clubbing he wasn't on a weekend away trying to stay up for hours on end.

Drugs are illegal, drugs make you into someone you are not. Drugs cost money. He has a family, he has a wife who are going without things cos he is spending it on drugs.

which bit of that CD should i be happy about and just sweep it under the carpet?

[BreeVanDerCampLGJ]

I wouldn't mind betting this goes deeper than a line of coke.

I would be apoplectic re the coke, but I would not be throwing my marriage away for it.

[Meeely2]

he also has views about drugs which i don't agree with (as well as taking them), he suggested i take a line too so that i could be more aware of its affects when our children started to experiment???? like it was a given. he thinks they WILL, he isn't even going to try and bring them up to think it is wrong? i just don't understand what part of that i should think is normal.

[Meeely2]

the DH should have married either of you two, as you clearly think its fine to bring kids up in an environment where one partner thinks its ok to do coke off your kitchen work top - when exactly should i expect him to grow up?

Oh and you haven't read the whole thread if you think its JUST that one line of coke....cos it isn't

[CountessDracula]

I didn't say you had to think it was normal or sweep it under the carpet

I think that if you are throwing your marriage away over a line of coke then there is more to it. You don't uproot your children and turn their and your lives upside down for that. You go to counselling, you find out why he finds the need to take drugs, you work it out, you make him realise how it makes you feel, if after all that he chooses drugs over you THEN you split up. You don't just have a mad knee jerk reaction and run off. Well clearly YOU do but I don't know anyone who would.
However it sounds to me like he was just trying it on, maybe he likes the effects, lots and lots of people do drugs on a VERY recreational level and don't destroy their lives or those of them around them. Clearly it is better all round NOT to do drugs, I am with you on that, but I think that you are destroying your life and that of your family on a point of principle.

[CountessDracula]

Just take a look at some of the relationship threads on here, women (and men) trying their best to make their marriages work after affairs and other difficulties. They don't just walk out, they work at it for their sake and the sake of their families. They go to counselling together, they go to therapy on their own, they work together as a couple to try and sort out their problems and get stronger and move on.

[Meeely2]

we did talk about it, said how i felt, he said fine, but he was still going to do it. now he knows how strongly i feel he will lie when he is doing it and i will be forever suspicious "is he under the influence when i leave the kids with him" "is he being nice cos he's on drugs" I have never been a suspicious person and never once questioned him on where he's been, where he's going, who he's seen, but i'm not sure i can trust him now - thats the issue......

[Meeely2]

thats my point! he is soooooo selfish that to him drugs aren't wrong, that i am the one with the problem and I am being a prude, if i said lets go to coucelling he would say, get over yourself. i don't think there is a way forward

[CountessDracula]

Fine, so the issue is trust
You need to go and seek help then. Go to couples counselling. It will help you both listen to each other and find out what the problem really is

Don't just throw it all away!

[meowmix]

I don't think anyones saying its ok to do drugs around kids - but he didn't. I assume you do wipe your work surfaces from time to time?

I wouldn't tolerate my dh behaving like this, but then he knows that and wouldn't behave like this. This isn't about the drugs at all, thats just the excuse surely? If you're going to uproot your kids then be sure that you're doing it with full understanding of why you think you need to.

[Meeely2]

my expectations were, he is married, he has kids, he has responsibilities. I just assumed we would come first and now i know we don't then I started this thread "dh is not the man i married"

[CountessDracula]

so show him this thread

If you say to him

I have a real problem with you taking drugs, you clearly don't see it as a problem so I feel we have hit an impasse. I can't carry on like this and I don't trust you at the moment I am sorry to say. I need to talk about this somewhere where we can both express our feelings safely, I am booking a counselling session and I would like you to come along and see if we can sort this problem out. If you refuse then I'm afraid I can't see a way forward for us

or something liek that

[Meeely2]

ah ha, get out the old dettol and all will be well! HE has KIDS, they should be first and foremost in his mind, not getting high....surely i am not being over the top to expect that?