So, when I was a child my dad would beat my mum probably every week or so. Sometimes he was happy and loving, sometimes he was explosive and abusive. My mother was wonderful, happy, caring, creative.. wouldn't harm a fly. She stayed with him for her children.
I heard and absorbed everything.. every beating, every affair, every insult, every week long silence between them. Seeing bruises all over my mother was completely normal to me.
Fast forward to age 16+.. My first relationship was with another female, I was too afraid to be with a man. We were together for 2 years and it was great, until I realised I was actually attracted to men.
My 2nd relationship was with a man some years later. He would regularly cheat on me, beat me, and ended up trying to kill me with a kitchen knife before I finally left him. He didnt manage to stab me but my face was unrecognisable for some time from beating, and I was bed bound for weeks. The attending paramedic urged me to leave him as my injuries were amongst the worst she'd seen from domestic violence. I left him as soon as I was physically able.
My 3rd boyfriend was wonderful. Cant fault him. But my issues surrounding men ended up being taken out on him. I didnt know how to be in a relationship that wasnt abusive.
My 4th and last relationship was with a narcissist who I dont even want to type words about, it was that bad.
My dad was a good dad in so many ways, but his temper and the way he treated my mother not only stole my childhood, but also silently dictated most of my adult romantic relationships. It completely shaped my expectations of men. It took just over 15 years for me to realise, process and begin to correct this.
Trust me, you dont want your daughter on this path or anywhere near it. She needs to see you be strong and have healthy relationships with men. And you deserve that. You deserve to hear the words "Im sorry, I was wrong" followed by a loving embrace from the man you love when hes committed a healthy, non abusive indiscretion. You deserve for your lover to honour you and protect you, and never even dream of putting his hands on you. Whatever you want for your daughter in a future partner, you deserve now, and youll both benefit highly when you do find someone who has all of those qualities, so that she can practice falling in love with the right things, not with things you wouldn't wish on anyone.
I'm not gonna tell you to up and leave and change your life over night, unless you're ready and prepared for that. I know from experience how genuinely beginning to do that can scare you back into denial and retreat sometimes. For some people slow and secret escapes are the best option. Some people may need time to save money, make plans etc. Only you know your situation and how physically safe your daughter truly is. But I will say this, my dad has always been against hitting children, and he didnt hit us. But it didnt matter. That just taught child me that men dont hit children, but they hit women, which I ofcourse eventually grew to be.
So maybe ask yourself different questions, Not about the worth of everything around you now, cos that's ever changing. But maybe, what's it worth to you to make sure that your daughter is never in the position to be able to write a message like the one I've written here to anyone. EVER. That she never has to experience anything like this. Then make a plan, or do whatever you need to do, and stick to it. You're enough. You as you are. Anyone who treats you this way doesnt deserve your understanding anymore.
Find your weak spot (usually your strongest, best trait around non abusive people), most probably your empathy, and ask yourself if it's worked for you, as in in your favour, so far in your relationship, or has it worked for him and ultimately hurt you?
Understand that it will be hard if you choose to go but know that you can do it. If the abuse doesnt end, you may well be unintentionally gambling with your childs future.
Please expect better for yourself and know your worth so that these same things become second nature to her.
Finally, my dad also used to do cocaine. It genuinely scared the absolute s**t out of me as a child. I could always tell. I just never knew what it was until I grew up. It made me detach from him much more.
You both deserve so much better!
Sorry about the essay, I hope this helps you somehow.xx