To not want to leave an abusive partner

[JSweetpea1234]

Hi
I suppose I’ve come here to look for clarity. I don’t know if I should stay with my partner of nearly 5 years. I love him but I also hate him, he is treating me awfully and I’m just letting him walk all over me. Our DD is 6 months old so I suppose I am with him for her. However recently things are getting worse. He takes cocaine and drinks a lot (I drink but no cocaine) when he had it he screams abuse at me calling me every name under the sun, I’m a bad mum, pack my bags and leave, he hates me, I’m a cheat liar fat etc etc (I don’t understand where’s this comes from I have never cheated in my life) the other week he went on a bender didn’t sleep for 2 days and came charging at me trying to throttle me becaue I told him to go to bed. This is now a weekly occurrence and when I co front him when he’s sober he’s either embarrassed and tells me to leave him alone or everything is my fault. I’ve told him he has a problem but he’s in denial.
When we get on it’s so good. He’s great with DD and me in the week and he does make me happy. We have gone through so much together I don’t want to throw it all away especially now I have a 6 mo th old I’m terrified of leaving and being in my own. I have a great family and friends circle but no mum or dad so he knows I don’t have anywhere to go when he tries to chuck me out.
I don’t really know what I’m asking for here. I feel like I can’t with him but can’t live without him.

Start with Womens Aid. There are shelters. They can help you.
You have to leave. OP if something happens to you, your precious dd will be left to him!! That should make you realise that you need to get out.

Actually, it's your daughter's sake you should be leaving him for.

There is more than enough evidence now to show that even six month old babies are damaged by living in a home where one parent is abusing the other. And if you force her to spend her entire childhood like that it will cause lifelong damage.

Whereas if you leave now you have an early chance to undo the damage he has already caused and protect her as she grows up, so she grows up knowing it is not normal to be treated like this and doesn't end up being abused herself as an adult.

Besides which, sooner or later he will abuse her directly too. They all do.

Look up the Freedom Programme and make your own decision. They can give you all the information you want without telling you that you have to leave.

If you feel up to it maybe look up "trauma bonding" too. It might help you make sense of how you're feeling.

For god sake, really?

@JSweetpea1234

Speak to Women's Aid. They can advise on next steps, housing etc.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

They may be able to get you a place in a refuge. I suggest you read this thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/936487-For-anyone-desperate-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship-but-reluctant

@suesylvesterr that is not helpful. Please read about the cycle of abuse and trauma bonds.

If you’re in the North West PM me I’ll come and get you now

Who owns/rents the house?

Well, if you're unwilling to leave him for the safety and wellbeing of your daughter, at least have the decency to let her be adopted by a loving family.

If you’re in the North West PM me I’ll come and get you now

Same if you are in the east mids

If you have no friends or family go to a refuge. This is going to sound harsh but I simply cannot fathom leaving a tiny baby in this house with this man.

It is the height of irresponsibility and I question your judgement massively.

Sorry, but you need to hear it. Leave today while you still can.

Think of your daughter. Staying with a piece of shit like that isn't doing her any favours. Wake up.

Hi OP. Can you please be very careful about how you leave this man. You need to plan it carefully. You must ring the domestic abuse helpline for your area first and tell them what's been happening and they can work with you to help you get out. They will also probably provide you with a refuge with your baby. Please do this asap. I am very familiar with how these support services work and I can tell you that they WILL help you. Don't just walk out on your own, but please don't tell him you're making contact with the agency. Do this in secrecy. You need to take firm steps to get out of that very dangerous situation before something terrible happens to you or your baby.

Leave before your daughter becomes aware what’s going on and learns from you that this is acceptable behaviour - you want better for her than that don’t you ? If this was your daughter posting this you’d be horrified - get your essentials packed and get out the door

I'm also north West and have a spare bed and cot. I can come get you. You need to leave. Please speak to woman's aid. If social services get sniff of this situation you risk losing your baby. You need to leave, fast

Please make calling women's aid and leaving your main priority. The fact he does this weekly shows he's not ever planning on changing. How long until he turns on your baby? He's only going to get worse. Please leave as soon as possible.

Hi you need to leave for the sake of your daughter things are only gonna get worse why don't u make him leave is it he's house or yours
You said u had friends can you call a friend to come get you both and stay there till you find a house for you both
I no it's going to be hard but it's the best thing to protect your baby

Ring womans aid or your local council, i was in the same situation as you and the council put me in emergency accommodation.

You need to get out asap!

Can you go to a trusted friend to give yourself space to consider your next step steps?

Seriously leave and preferably soon before the next bender.
Violence from drink is scary enough. Coupled with cocaine use it s a timebomb waiting to explode.
I have seen (and defused) situations like you describe and even with the training I have had I was on edge the whole time and it took HOURS to calm the person down. He wasnt himself at all, like being possessed.
You cannot risk that with a baby. Contact women s aid as pp have said, the council may put you in emergency temporary accommodation. It s not nice but it s a hell of a lot better than this.
Do you feel on edge all the time he s out? Waiting for the key in the door? The stumbling footsteps as he drunkenly falls against furniture swearing?
Hoping he will be so far gone he ll just pass out on the sofa?
Feel physically sick when you hear his footsteps on the stairs and him slurring your name?
So did my friend and her children are now on the at risk register. I cant make her leave. I can only go round at 2 am and stay till nearly 6 when she calls me. I cant call the police as she denies the abuse.
I really hope she ll be ok and leave one day.
I hope you will too for your own safety and your dd s.
You both deserve to live in peace.

His addiction is going to get worse. Cocaine and alcohol are such a bad combination, it produces a different chemical in the blood; eases come downs, but violence / dangerous / impulsiveness is a problem. That together with the throttling, he sounds like he is a very high risk of killing you or the baby. Not because he intends to, but because he is taking those drugs and is violent to you.

I’m really sorry, but you can’t stay with him. He’s in real trouble, but only he can sort it out.

My mum stayed with my drunken father for years, and I’ve never quiet forgiven her for what we went though because she didn’t leave.

Sorry to hear this IvyWinters

The flip side of this is that my mum did leave and I'm so so grateful that she did. Our lives improved immeasurably because of her courage. Please leave him OP.

Don’t leave - go to the police and report his violence. He could kill you if he throttles you again.

Ah! I meant you don’t need to leave the house if he’s removed. You need to leave him of course.

Ring the police and they will remove him. What's your living situation?

My sister was in an abusive relationship.
she had the confidence to get out OP and she had a tricky first week but is SO much happier.

You can do this for yourself and
You can do this for your daughter.

The risk is leaving her without a mother and this shit for a father.

You can do it. Dig deep you can !!!