It's happened to us too

[EvenYouBrutus]

I feel so sad an embarrassed to even type all this. I know there have been a million and one posts like this before and I always hoped this subject would apply to me too.

But I have just within the past hour found messages on my husbands Apple Watch that basically show he was trying to meet someone for sex.

He claims that all he wanted was dirty talk and he has only ever done it this time and once before he messaged someone (a week ago) and didn't get a response (initially said he only did it once and then within 15 mins mentioned this second incident). He says he has never ever met with anyone and would never had sex, but in the message he asks if that person is local and also makes a comment about his regulars being busy so she should leave him hanging. The messages were sent late last night and it looks like the only reason they hadn't finalised a meet was because of essentially a diary clash.

I'm going to try and give some background, but apologies in advance if I drip feed, my head is all over the place.

We have a 3 year old and an almost 1 year old. 1 year old had a scary birth and we have been going through a very tough time. He still breastfeeds every 2-3 hours night and day and doesn't drink from a milk/cup. Solid food is an issue (but that's another story). Both children are mummy's boys so they want me alll the time, I am overweight, touched out and a little depressed if I'm honest. Sure to go back to work in a couple of weeks and dreading it.

Husband says he has felt neglected and unloved sexually and needed comfort from someone. I knew we were in a bad way, sex life is pretty non-existent right now, but I'm
Literally doing 4 wakes (which includes 3 feeds) a night. I know he needs me, but my kids, especially the youngest have needed me too.

I truly thought we were at a place of hunkering down for a few months and getting to a point where the youngest can eat and sleep and then we work on us. Even talked about counselling.
I know I haven't been the wife he needed, but in my book if that's how you feel, you end the marriage first before you so much as glance at another woman. He says he is not blaming me, but has give like six different reasons why things o have done have pushed him here.

Now I just feel like all hope is gone. I was brought up around infidelity and it made childhood a nightmare. My father even had a child with another woman, though remains married to my mother. I have sworn I would never become her. Resented her for her weakness. And prayed I would never be in this sort of situation but I am.

Right now I think I am in shock. I feel like what I have to do now is get divorced. Figure out how we split things up and become another statistic. Well, either way I'll be another statistic.

We were just getting ready to go to church and have family over later. I don't know how I'm meant to function. I don't know what to do. I'm currently hiding in our bedroom while he is downstairs with the kids.

I don't know how to get through the rest of today, not to talk of the rest of my life...

@bluehairandheartbroken I'm sorry you are going through all this as well. I wish neither of us were in the position to relate to how the other is currently feeling. It's just such a crappy crappy place to be...

*user

I had hurt him and he trusted me
So he knows what if feels like.
But he still did it anyway. But on a far worse level than you did.
I'm sorry OP, but what he is telling you is just not the truth.
He's using sex workers.
He is used to talking to them on text.
he refers to 'his regular', that is NOT you by the way!
Just.... ICK!

*"So, in a way, I guess once upon a time I wasn't much worse than him..."

What, you were married, looked up the details of a sex worker, and then texted them about meeting up while your husband was in bed next to you?
...
...
No?........Then no, you haven't been "not much worse than him".*

Exactly.

And I'm really sorry op but usually when posters on here are able to find out more, these things are always the tip of the iceberg.

Besides using a sex worker, let alone while married/in a monogamous relationship, is a line to cross. And he's either crossed it or seems rather willing to.

That's big in itself re. a man's character; add to it they do it while in a monogamous relationship.

Fwiw I think he's screwing your head with excuses and throwing shade at you, and you're in danger of letting him. There is no excuse.

Said he was trying to get chat, from this one and was trying to sound like he was serious to rope her in but didn't actually want to pay for anything, which is why it seems he didn't get anywhere.

Well no. It didn’t get anywhere because she was only available that Saturday and he wasn’t.

Ah, diary availabililty and scheduling chat, the sexiest kind.....

I get angry when I hear men complain of feeling neglected when there is a young baby in the house and using it as an excuse to cheat. FFS a baby is helpless and needs me more than you need me. It's temporary, they grow up and get more independent. Are they so weak that they cannot wait a few more months and help more to ease the burden. Why can't you put yourself second as a man and focus on the baby and then we are in a good place for us to be able to meet each other's needs. Childish and immature excuses.

Please don't try and convince yourself it's ok the way you are doing now.

It's not ok. Nothing can ever make that ok. You've swung right round from your initial post, the shocked post - that was you speaking.

This isn't you speaking. This is fear speaking and you can tell it a mile off.

Yes it's very very hard and frankly terrifying to contemplate separation with young children.

But men who go to prostitutes - men who even consider prostitutes on their rader - are the absolute worst of the worst. There is no getting around that. His justifications are sickening misogyny - the subtle blaming - if you were only putting out, you there with the baby hanging off you - me with my 'needs' wouldn't have to go elsewhere.

You know how DECENT men get their love and comfort in this phase of life? By cuddling together with the baby and being 'wow' aboutthe new life they've created. By feeling that warm feeling when what you have goes beyond just sex to feel intimacy and is deeper, longer lasting - it's real life and partnership. And cuddles, and love, and support.

Slimeballs like this don't seem to understand that...

But has also said a tiny little part of him was glad I found out.

They all say that. It's quite a good line.

OP I am so sorry this has happened to you, regardless if this has been going on longer or in greater detail, once is more than enough and it's so much more than a bit of porn, he actually asked if she was in the same town. Why would this matter if it's just a bit of chat? She could be the other side of the world if he just wanted to send a few flirty messages! He had full intention of meeting her.

I think you need to consider how you'd be if the roles were reversed, he is going to lose you, the kids, your home etc and have to pay out for his own home, potentially another car, maintenance payments etc as well as having the embarrassment of people knowing the reasons and what a dick he is - I think I'd try and save the marriage too if my back was up against the wall and I'd be leaving with potentially nothing. He didn't think about any of this when he was sending these messages, even when next to you! He has done it because he thought he would get away with it. LTB

But, as he has reminded me now, a couple of years into our relationship (before we were engaged/married), I sent texts to another guy I knew that were inappropriate over a period of a week or two.

We, no. You were not once just as bad as him.

You had just started going out together

You told him

He was not sacrificing his time, body and well-being for your children.

He is a face-saving arse bringing that up.

OP, he has lied to you. And he is still lying and minimising. He will only admit to what you found out, or a little more that doesn't make him sound too bad. It is a textbook line to say "I was only messaging out of curiosity/ego boost/wank fodder, I never would have met up" from men who are regular punters in person.

If he just wanted sexy chat he could have got a webcam girl off the internet. I might be wrong but sex workers don't discuss meeting up if they are providing only a sexting service. Perhaps @NotTheFordType can advise?

How can you ever trust him?

And your messages early in your relationship are irrelevant. He is using those to make you feel guilty and forgiving. Even more shit.

Ask him for access to his emails, internet history and phone. He may not have deleted everything he thinks he has. If he has done nothing wrong he will let you anyway. A local PC repair shop can probably recover deleted emails and internet history. I bet his face will go pale if you suggest that.

Oh op I’m so sorry.

Please don’t be your mum

I’m sorry Op but I completely disagree with @DBML and I wouldn’t be taking advice from someone who admitted they would have cheated on their husband - if someone is unhappy with the level of sex they are getting then at least be honest with your partner and leave them not completely betray them and sneak around having an affair.

For context - when I was with my partner 4 years I suffered a horrific injury and couldn’t have sex for 8 months - before that we would’ve had sex 2-3 times a week. My now DH never ever even asked or tried it on as he knew I was in pain. He made me dinner, cleaned the house and sat in bed watching movies with me. He never cheated. He obviously has a brain and knew this was temporary thing and that it wasn’t my fault and he loved me. Your DH should have known the same and made the decision to betray you anyway and with a prostitute too which is disgusting. 3 years on now we are stronger than ever.

@Hisdarkmaterials7

But that is what happened. I spoke to my husband and explained how I was feeling. Luckily he took my feelings seriously and did something about the situation. If he had told me to ‘use my hand’ or that my needs were unimportant, then I would probably have been open to meeting others, but then I would have felt that my husband didn’t give a shit about how sad I was. I was upfront, open and honest about the consequences of having a sexless marriage.

Anyway, all that is by the by. The point I was making to op is that yes, her husband may have been feeling neglected as he said he was.

Additionally I said that his choice then to seek out a prostitute was his alone and that op was not to blame for this. Op was aware he felt a bit neglected, but her DH led her to believe things were fine and that they were on the same page when clearly they weren’t.

As for the husband. Sorry op, but if he hasn’t cheated with a prostitute already, he was planning to. There are cheaper and easier ways to get a bit of dirty talk over the internet. He was either seriously considering it or it’s something he’s engaged with regularly and you just happened to find out this time. I am really so, so sorry.

Honestly, what I'd hear when he said a "tiny little part of him" (gag) was glad you found out is not that he's pleased you're communicating better - he blatantly doesn't want to communicate with you, he'd rather text sex workers while you're in bed beside him - it's that he's pleased that you've found out and not immediately kicked him out, because it means you might now be frightened enough to do the 'pick me' dance and subjugate your own needs so he gets the attention he wants. All his excuses are essentially threats that if you don't do what he wants in future, he'll do it again.

I know he is wrong for what he did, but I guess thinking about what DBML said, there is only so long a person can go without the affection they want.

I think this is the crux of it. You're considering letting him get away with this because he's successfully guilt-tripped you into believing that his want for sex should have been more important than your and your children's needs.

What's the next step if you stay together? You go to counselling, you gaslight yourself into believing that it's your fault for not performing extracts of the Kama Sutra in between night wakings, you have sex you don't really want to have with a man who you now know fantasises about sex workers when you're in bed next to him because you're frightened that if you don't your children's family will be destroyed. He gets what he wants. You get to be miserable.

I'm very sorry you're going through this.