It's happened to us too

[EvenYouBrutus]

I feel so sad an embarrassed to even type all this. I know there have been a million and one posts like this before and I always hoped this subject would apply to me too.

But I have just within the past hour found messages on my husbands Apple Watch that basically show he was trying to meet someone for sex.

He claims that all he wanted was dirty talk and he has only ever done it this time and once before he messaged someone (a week ago) and didn't get a response (initially said he only did it once and then within 15 mins mentioned this second incident). He says he has never ever met with anyone and would never had sex, but in the message he asks if that person is local and also makes a comment about his regulars being busy so she should leave him hanging. The messages were sent late last night and it looks like the only reason they hadn't finalised a meet was because of essentially a diary clash.

I'm going to try and give some background, but apologies in advance if I drip feed, my head is all over the place.

We have a 3 year old and an almost 1 year old. 1 year old had a scary birth and we have been going through a very tough time. He still breastfeeds every 2-3 hours night and day and doesn't drink from a milk/cup. Solid food is an issue (but that's another story). Both children are mummy's boys so they want me alll the time, I am overweight, touched out and a little depressed if I'm honest. Sure to go back to work in a couple of weeks and dreading it.

Husband says he has felt neglected and unloved sexually and needed comfort from someone. I knew we were in a bad way, sex life is pretty non-existent right now, but I'm
Literally doing 4 wakes (which includes 3 feeds) a night. I know he needs me, but my kids, especially the youngest have needed me too.

I truly thought we were at a place of hunkering down for a few months and getting to a point where the youngest can eat and sleep and then we work on us. Even talked about counselling.
I know I haven't been the wife he needed, but in my book if that's how you feel, you end the marriage first before you so much as glance at another woman. He says he is not blaming me, but has give like six different reasons why things o have done have pushed him here.

Now I just feel like all hope is gone. I was brought up around infidelity and it made childhood a nightmare. My father even had a child with another woman, though remains married to my mother. I have sworn I would never become her. Resented her for her weakness. And prayed I would never be in this sort of situation but I am.

Right now I think I am in shock. I feel like what I have to do now is get divorced. Figure out how we split things up and become another statistic. Well, either way I'll be another statistic.

We were just getting ready to go to church and have family over later. I don't know how I'm meant to function. I don't know what to do. I'm currently hiding in our bedroom while he is downstairs with the kids.

I don't know how to get through the rest of today, not to talk of the rest of my life...

I'm so sorry OP, first things first, ask him to leave, you need space to think, while he's there you can't do that.

He's got no ex use to do this, so ignore his stupid blaming you.

I'm so sorry, this is awful for you and he is clearly a selfish, disgusting pig.
Definitely cancel the family, raging puking will be enough to keep them away.

Have you been right through his phone/laptop? Anything suss in the bank statements? My instinct is that there is possibly more to this but there might not be. It might be the first time and he's shit at hiding stuff.

That might not make a difference to whether you stay with him but I'd want to know exactly what's gone on.

Re the friends thing, I'm really sad for you that you say you don't have anyone that you can talk to about this. So often our friendships fall by the wayside when in relationships. If you do have friends, please talk to them. Don't keep this in as I'm sure they will want to help.

If they're good people they'll listen and support you whatever you decide.

Sorry pressed send too soon.

You need people around you and you have done nothing to be ashamed of so don't let that stop you telling people.

The title of your thread implies that you are both victims here, or both to blame.

You're not. Your husband has put himself before his entire family at a time when you all needed him most.

Shame on him, and good luck to you, whatever you decide

It hasn't just happened to you both. He's done this to you. Putting himself first when you really needed him the most all he can think about is getting his leg over and he's willing to pay to use a woman's body. I can't see how you'd ever trust him again tbh.

First red flag is that he hates women enough to buy the bodies of financially vulnerable ones.

He has no regard for you or the fact that you are giving your body up to feed and care for HIS children. All he can think about is his sad little dick and its "needs".

He is a selfish bastard. If he has done this now, it'll happen again, especially if you let him get away with it. Get shot of him immediately. I know it's easy for me to say, but you have to do this. You must divorce him. You'll be so glad you did.

Sending you hugs, strength and

Hope you're ok OP

OP - you can leave or try to give it a chance. It’s is entirely YOUR choice. But don’t make it based on proving some principle. Give yourself some time to decide.
Many many people in your situation realise that what they thought they’d do isn’t want they want to do.
And interestingly - turns out that most marriages doesn’t break up upon discovering infidelity.
So - only you would know what right for you.

Look up Estel Perel - she is a counsellor working with couples. She does interesting Ted talks about infidelity and getting thought it.

My initial thoughts are that his language in chat with her "I'm with my regular tonight" sounds like the common language used when communicating with people in this field. I have no idea if it is, or if I'm making sense, but i mean it's like all the regular sayings on here, it took me a while to get to learn them, and to use them comfortably. So if that's the case it would suggest he knows a lot about the communication style. Probably reading way too much into it, but that's what struck me about what he said, like he knows the language, suggesting his involvement has been more than just recent. Not sure that argument would stick though.

Secondly, and more importantly... all those reasons he says you lead him to this... what a grown up would do in a grown up relationship is talk to you about those things rather than actively seeking paid services elsewhere. I'm not justifying affairs by any stretch of the imagination, but at least an affair can stumble into happening to some extent because someone is there in front of you, interacting with you. He has sought this out. That would incense me more than anything.

I'm no expert but if a man wanted dirty talk then surely you wouldn't think of messaging a prostitute? I would have assumed messages to prostitutes were just about hiring them. I wouldn't buy that explanation.

He said he felt neglected, unloved sexually and just needed comfort from someone.....but again why the hell would any man think that a prostitute could make any of those things better?

Now I can actually understand how a lack of sex and intimacy might cause a person to feel those things, but what's the thought process between feeling those things, and then deciding to start messaging prostitutes?

"Needed to get comfort from someone" makes no sense because you're not going to get any comfort from a prostitute.

I personally don't think cheating is black and white, I don't automatically assume that people who do it are awful, evil people like some people do, I do think that sometimes there are a whole lot of issues in a relationship or things that can cause a person to seek comfort elsewhere, BUT that just means I could forgive it and not forget, which would mean that I could forgive them as a person but not be able to continue on in the relationship because the trust would be gone and we could never get the old relationship back. I'd have to end it.

Sorry that he's done this to you OP.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. And I understand the part about being embarrassed - how can you have such a shitty DH ? - although you know that it us NOT your fault , no matter what he tries to say.
I don't think there is any coming back from this. All his excuses and even counselling can not change how disgusting he is .And then the lying and deception part to consider.

You are still a young woman with your whole life with your DCs ahead of you. Don't waste it on this piece of shit DH. Kick him out and start divorce proceedings.

Sorry but he sounds like a regular punter who knows what’s what. It is v doubtful that you are his regular. Men say this about their regular sex worker. He will have been doing this for some time. Check his ATM withdrawals and phone records that should confirm this. I would try to get him to leave while you process all this. You will be better off in the end if you get rid.Hes already lying to you.

Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply. It's been a crappy 24+ hours, managed to keep the guests away and hunker down. Got through it somehow. I truly don't have anyone irl I talk to about things, I'm the person that everyone turns to, rather than the other way around. As I have, all my life, I'll deal with this somehow on my own.

Today he is back at work and it's me with the kids and both my mum and MIL will be coming over at various points. Going to just keep up the brave face for the next week or so. Get through some birthdays and a wedding as a united front, before saying anything to anyone around us.

I feel very numb right now. I have no way of ever knowing the true extent of the deception, I only know what he tells me. There is no evidence left on any device we have, because it was wiped or because it doesn't exist, who knows... it's only his bad luck that I found the message on his watch (thinking it was mine - they're identical), because he had deleted it on his phone and somehow it stayed on the watch.

He has insisted that there is zero reason for me to get tested, that absolutely has never gotten to the point of meeting anyone (and claims he didn't truly plan to). But I will be doing that regardless.

I blame him 100% for what he has chosen to do to our family, but I accept that he has tried to explain to me before how frustrated he was getting and I guess I didn't understand how bad he feels things were. From a lack of sex and general affection perspective. I knew we were in a bad way - things were very tough due to what happened to DS2 at birth and it's affected us both a great deal. I thought we were on the same page of trying to focus fully on him first before dealing with what was becoming of our marriage. Instead he just couldn't wait and has basically destroyed the trust we have built over nearly 10 years together.

It's a tough road ahead, whichever way this goes. And right this minute I have no clue. I don't think it's fully even sunk in what he has done. Just focusing now on the kids and getting in back to work and ensuring I'm as financially set as I need to be in the event that this marriage is truly over.

I’m really sorry to hear this OP. It’s very sad for you and the kids.

I don’t believe that you are his ‘regular’ - I’m sure that refers to another prostitute. He sounds quite seasoned.

Imo - some guys like using prostitutes and it’s not relevant to how much sex they’re getting at home. That’s just an excuse. He may have always used them. Some guys - even with zero sex at home wouldn’t use a prostitute or have an affair.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I had to reply, as I know pretty much exactly how you're feeling as I'm in pretty much the same situation (just a few weeks ahead of you). Slight difference here is that our kids are older and our relationship/sex life was ok (or so I thought). You can probably find my thread on here if you search my username but to cut a long story short, I caught my husband on a hook up site and found messages talking about meeting for sex.

Like your husband, he's said he would never have met anyone but messages talked about specific dates. One message in particular talked about meeting on a specific date a couple of weeks away (ie about 2 weeks from the date I found the messages) and I partly wish now that I'd kept quiet and waited to see if he went and met up on that date. At the time though I just couldnt face keeping up the pretence and carrying on sleeping with him etc.

I won't lie, it's been fucking awful and no doubt it will be for you too. He's begged forgiveness, says he only did it to give his self esteem a boost, all he did was message people and then 'ghost' them and he would never have actually met anyone. Says he wants to work hard to fix us and he'll do anything to earn my trust back. It's been about 4 weeks now and he hasn't really put a foot wrong, on the surface he's become the perfect husband and it's like he's seen the error of his ways and has realised what he could have lost. But I can't get those messages out of my head, I've got them saved on my phone and I've only been able to look at them once since I found out but I know them word for word anyway. I can't look at him in the same way, I'll be honest (even though I sound like a gullible mug) I was hoping we could get past it and be OK again but right now I don't feel I can ever trust him again. When he's on his phone I wonder what he's doing, when I leave the house I wonder what he's up to without me around to check up on him. It's absolutely awful.

Sorry to be doom and gloom. I know some people can and do get past stuff like this and maybe you will be one of those couples. Maybe even me and my husband will. Right now though I just cant see the wood for the trees. Sending you lots of sympathy xx

Does it matter to you whether he intended to meet these women or whether he was 'just chatting to boost his self esteem'?

If you take the focus off sex or the intention to have sex, then he's messaging other women. It depends where your own personal line in the sand is - does he actually have to have physically been unfaithful, or (supposing you take his word for it) he never intended to sleep with anyone else just 'chat' to them and , essentially, fish for contact?

It's your relationship. I know where my personal line is, but yours may be different. Hold to your own line and don't be swayed.

There is no evidence left on any device we have, because it was wiped or because it doesn't exist

This is why pp advised to check all bank accounts records. The money he paid has come from somewhere, the most obvious is cash withdrawals.

I know I haven't been the wife he needed

Has he been the husband you needed?

Doesn’t sound like it, OP, so please don’t take the blame for this.

While you’ve been the mother your joint children needed, has he been the father his children needed?

Good luck, and don’t let him blame or gasligh

This hasn't 'happened to us' - HE did this to YOU.

A man whose response to his sex life being disrupted because his wife has gone through a traumatic birth and has a baby to care for is to start contacting prostitutes is a piece of dogshit. No ifs no buts. There is nothing more to say.

I am so sorry that you have discovered what kind of a person he is when the chips are down. Or rather (hollow laugh) when the chips aren't even down. Can't even accept a year or so of a bumpy sex life when his kids are babies? Wow. 2/10 would be generous.

I won't even go into the whole issue of the morality of men who would even think of using a sex worker for a quick santioned rape to get their rocks off.

I am so sorry but you absolutely are better off without him. Much much better off.

I know I haven't been the wife he needed

Er, no. Yes, you have been the wife he needed. You've had your family's babies and you've put your all into them. Like you say, you thought you were both hunkering down and trudging through this together, just like all the normal couples do. That's what we did. That's what most people do. That's the wife you've been, exactly like most other honest, devoted wives when you're both in the storm of baby parenting. Your situation was normal. His reaction, however, to being asked to 'parent up' and shoulder some hard yards alongside you - not so normal. Not so honest. Not so devoted.

He failed at this phase of your life together. He dropped the ball. Not you.

Husband says he has felt neglected and unloved sexually and needed comfort from someone
Well boo-fucking-hoo to him!
Seriously!?
I hate it when people spout this shite!
YOU had the nine months of pregnancy.
YOU had an awful birth.
YOU are having to look after 2 DC almost single handed.
YOU are still breastfeeding through the night.
YOU are exhausted.
YOU are feeling depressed.
But.... NO.... let's make it all about him - the poor lamb!
Grrrrr......

When was he expecting you to find the time or energy to give him what he 'needed'?
What support do you get?

It's your choice whatever you decide OP, but please don't think of yourself as another statistic. You're not, and its not even relevant. This is your life, not a number on a chart.

I also think his 'regular' sounds like a different prostitute.

I'd consider mentioning it to MIL when she pops round because why should you have to protect him to save face?

Unfortunately from personal experience, even fanaticising about a prostitute or affair is a signal that at some point they will walk. My advice is to park the issue until your family leave then say to him he needs to choose. But there's an option to basically live as friends to support you through the tough toddler years and go your separate ways when it's an appropriate time. I went through similar, we patched things up but I'm separated now year on.

You are completely innocent OP! You have a baby you are breastfeeding every two to three hours at night AND during the day! You are exhausted and no wonder! What did your h do to help you? Where was he when you were feeling broken from utter exhaustion and needing space?

Messaging prostitutes and thinking about HIS needs!

Unfortunately it’s very likely that he has used prostitutes for years! His saying he had his ‘regular’ is not the way men talk about their wives! It’s very likely he was with the prostitute he uses so often, that he calls her ‘my regular’! Unfortunately, it looks like you caught him branching out to meet a new prostitute!

I have been there with a baby who will only take breast milk, refuses every kind of bottle and feeds through the night mostly for comfort! Can I tell you what my husband did when I was utterly drained and needing space? He took our son and put him in his pram and walked the village until our son settled and was fast asleep. When our newborn had woke our toddler up and they both wanted me, but were both full/ fed/ nappy changed, my husband put them in the double buggy and walked around the village with them.

Funnily enough, my husband taking over housework, sending me back to bed at weekends, running me a hot bath and making me take time for me and so importantly taking our babies at night and giving me precious hours of sleep made such a difference! I was so utterly in love with this man, this amazing Father who genuinely cared and would shoulder the burden with me, that sex came naturally.

Your h has abandoned you to shoulder the hardest part of parenthood in the early years on your own he has been incredibly selfish and now he is gaslighting you to the point that you are blaming yourself!

Your DF likely did the same with your DM- the almighty husband cannot be in the wrong- if he cheats, it’s his wife who is to blame- for not worshiping him and servicing his needs!

@EvenYouBrutus Your username is very adapt- your husband, the man who promised to be there in sickness and in health, forsaking all others- has betrayed you completely!

You have done nothing wrong! You deserve to be loved and cherished, and even more importantly you deserve to be supported! Not cheated on!

He had typed those messages as I lay next to him in bed. I was right there with him when he said he was with his regular...