It's happened to us too

[EvenYouBrutus]

I feel so sad an embarrassed to even type all this. I know there have been a million and one posts like this before and I always hoped this subject would apply to me too.

But I have just within the past hour found messages on my husbands Apple Watch that basically show he was trying to meet someone for sex.

He claims that all he wanted was dirty talk and he has only ever done it this time and once before he messaged someone (a week ago) and didn't get a response (initially said he only did it once and then within 15 mins mentioned this second incident). He says he has never ever met with anyone and would never had sex, but in the message he asks if that person is local and also makes a comment about his regulars being busy so she should leave him hanging. The messages were sent late last night and it looks like the only reason they hadn't finalised a meet was because of essentially a diary clash.

I'm going to try and give some background, but apologies in advance if I drip feed, my head is all over the place.

We have a 3 year old and an almost 1 year old. 1 year old had a scary birth and we have been going through a very tough time. He still breastfeeds every 2-3 hours night and day and doesn't drink from a milk/cup. Solid food is an issue (but that's another story). Both children are mummy's boys so they want me alll the time, I am overweight, touched out and a little depressed if I'm honest. Sure to go back to work in a couple of weeks and dreading it.

Husband says he has felt neglected and unloved sexually and needed comfort from someone. I knew we were in a bad way, sex life is pretty non-existent right now, but I'm
Literally doing 4 wakes (which includes 3 feeds) a night. I know he needs me, but my kids, especially the youngest have needed me too.

I truly thought we were at a place of hunkering down for a few months and getting to a point where the youngest can eat and sleep and then we work on us. Even talked about counselling.
I know I haven't been the wife he needed, but in my book if that's how you feel, you end the marriage first before you so much as glance at another woman. He says he is not blaming me, but has give like six different reasons why things o have done have pushed him here.

Now I just feel like all hope is gone. I was brought up around infidelity and it made childhood a nightmare. My father even had a child with another woman, though remains married to my mother. I have sworn I would never become her. Resented her for her weakness. And prayed I would never be in this sort of situation but I am.

Right now I think I am in shock. I feel like what I have to do now is get divorced. Figure out how we split things up and become another statistic. Well, either way I'll be another statistic.

We were just getting ready to go to church and have family over later. I don't know how I'm meant to function. I don't know what to do. I'm currently hiding in our bedroom while he is downstairs with the kids.

I don't know how to get through the rest of today, not to talk of the rest of my life...

OP, think back to when he admitted it. The first incident and then the second. He would never had admitted the first and then the second if you didn't have evidence of both, would he?

He is only admitting what he cannot avoid hiding. He is hiding so much more from you, because you don't have evidence and he thinks he can get away with it.

I'm sorry, but he is a regular punter. And a textbook cheating liar.

@Caledoniahasmyheartforever Your DH is amazing. I thought that's the kind of husband o had. And not to say he hasn't been kind and caring trying to take pressure of me at times where he can. He works hard and tries to be present.

I know he is wrong for what he did, but I guess thinking about what @DBML said, there is only so long a person can go without the affection they want.

He says he thought if he could get off on dirty texts from someone else, he wouldn't feel guilty trying to pressure me for sex when he knows I'm exhausted. That he felt like he was pestering me at times and that he had resigned himself to just not initiating it anymore.

As I type all this, my head is telling me that regardless, it's all nonsense. That there is never a time when he should seek anything outside the marriage. Either we resolve our issues or end the marriage. Never this.

But, as he has reminded me now, a couple of years into our relationship (before we were engaged/married), I sent texts to another guy I knew that were inappropriate over a period of a week or two. I had no justifiable excuse, same as him, regardless of the status of our relationship at the time. I didn't get "caught", I just told him about it and he forgave me and we haven't mentioned it since. I had kinda forgotten about it until he brought it up now.

I had hurt him and he trusted me and I have never given him reason to doubt him since. So his argument I guess that it's possible to make a mistake once and never do it again is proven by the fact I have been faithful to him...

So, in a way, I guess once upon a time I wasn't much worse than him...

He referred to you as his regular? That's grim.

OP what did he say when you told him you know the only reason he didnt book to see her was because of a diary clash? Did he say he pretended there was a diary clash?

If he's confident enough to message a prostitute while he lies next to you in your marital bed then you can bet your bottom dollar that he is extremely familiar with prostitutes and messaging them. If it was a one off, he would almost certainly feel more guilt and be less brazen about messaging them while next to you.
Prostitutes don't send sexy messages to men for free. They charge for anything that a man might get off on including sexting and boob pics. They don't waste time communicating with men who they don't think will make a booking. They don't give freebies. Terms like 'with my regular' suggest that he knows the lingo and has had regular communication with prostitutes before. I think if you dig deep enough you will find evidence that he has met up with sex workers and it won't be a one off visit.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. He has done this to you and the children. You are in no way responsible.
If you want to try and save the marriage then you will need a lot of couples counselling. The question is do you want to stay with someone who has so little respect for you and puts his needs before his family?

I don’t believe that you are his ‘regular’ - I’m sure that refers to another prostitute

That was my thought to.

It's a v strange way if referring to your wife/partner when speaking to a prostitute.

Could he have seen a prostitute that evening/night?

He does sound a bit seasoned, as pp said. He's very good at hiding his tracks too, isn't he. Caught by synching technology/a little oversight - otherwise you wouldn't know a thing

These things are usually the tip of the iceberg, I'm really sorry op but keep that in mind when considering what to do.

He sounds like a punter, and he may always be one off and on.

The standard line (if they can get away with it) I'd always that they never actually met or had sex.

And there must have been a fair bit of research gone in to find the numbers. It's not cards in phone boxes any more. He had to go looking.

*I was right there with him when he said he was with his regular...

Could he have been with someone earlier or later?

If not then it sounds like he was referring to you, which is odd. And suggests he sees you as the most regular in a rotation of sex partners.

If it was a one off, he would almost certainly feel more guilt and be less brazen about messaging them while next to you

Agree.

But, as he has reminded me now, a couple of years into our relationship (before we were engaged/married), I sent texts to another guy I knew that were inappropriate over a period of a week or two. I had no justifiable excuse, same as him, regardless of the status of our relationship at the time. I didn't get "caught", I just told him about it and he forgave me and we haven't mentioned it since.

Actually the relationship status then dies matter.

Likewise you felt bad and told him when you didn't have to.

It's also in a different universe of severity.

It's actually really shitty and straw grasping of him to raise it now.

Even if he was referring to you as his ‘regular’ in that instance OP - grim enough as it is - my feeling is he probably does or has had a regular/s at some point which is why the excuse came so easy to him.

He’s way too blasé and brazen about the whole thing for this to be new. He’s done it so long he’s stopped being careful - texting them while with you.

there is only so long a person can go without the affection they want

You don’t get affection from prostitutes, you just get sexual services.

Sorry forgot to say perhaps he referred to you as his regular because he didn't want the prostitute knowing that he has a wife/partner (even punters care about their image) and also to promote trust with her and get a booking ie because she'd then think he's a reliable, stable, safe guy who regularly uses another prostitute and that prostitute gas no problems with him, otherwise he wouldn't be her regular and vice versa.

So he’s messaging sex workers/prostitutes when he’s in bed next to you? That’s shocking and quite audacious and suggests he is very complacent about it all.

I don’t believe he would contact a prostitute just for dirty messages. Thats not what he was doing anyway, you saw he was arranging to meet someone.

*has

Actually thinking on it, him saying he was with his regular may have had no actual reference to his circumstances at that time and not referred to you.

He may have just wanted a booking and knows that one of the best ways to secure one is to imply that he's a regular user who is reliable and safe (hence he has a regular hooker).

OP, I’m so sorry.
To put another view across, I couldn’t medically have sex for 6months. DH didn’t once make me feel I was neglecting him and wouldn’t have dreamt of going Elsewhere even if it became permanent. This “I need sex” is just an excuse. The fact he could text whilst you are in the same bed means he’s done this before and is comfortable and was getting off on the thrill.

Please tell anyone in real life for some support. Don’t feel you are in the wrong it is 100% him

@BendyLikeBeckham I don't have evidence of the first incident, only the second. The first one he just told me about and said he messaged someone and they didn't respond.

Said he was trying to get chat, from this one and was trying to sound like he was serious to rope her in but didn't actually want to pay for anything, which is why it seems he didn't get anywhere.

I'm going to type below exactly what the message I found says:

DH: Hey you in [our Town]?
Sex worker: Hi babe yes I am x
DH: Ok lovely. And available through the week?
SW: only today
DH: what all Saturdays or just this one? Cos I'm out tonight [he wasn't, he was in bed - we had been together all day]
DH: Come on, don't leave me hanging. I'm with my regular tonight. But I'm looking for something new.
SW: For now, only this Saturday.

He doesn't message her back after this.

I can believe he was just using the lingo or at least that he doesn't have to be a regular user to know how to talk. I could have typed that just off things you could see on tv. So it doesn't swing it one way or the other for me.

It's the actually fact he has reached out to anyone other than me - regardless of how he was feeling. And even if he hadn't done more than message at this point, it's a slippery slope. Because I'm sure 5 years ago he would have sworn blind he could never do such a thing. But once you start down this sort of route, in my view it all just because easier to do...

I had hurt him and he trusted me and I have never given him reason to doubt him since. So his argument I guess that it's possible to make a mistake once and never do it again is proven by the fact I have been faithful to him...

Sorry but I don't think they're in the same league.

And I also don't think what you know is everything there is to know.

It's unlikely to be just messaging. But even if it were; he sought out sexual services and was arranging a meeting for sex. You presumably got caught up in a flirtation naturally/incidentally with a friend/acquaintance/coworker .. a x I doubt you were texting to arrange sex (?)

Also the relationship with him waz much less serious and invested etc. then.

You.also had a conscience and told him. He had had no such conscience.

They are not equivalent. The equivalent would be you being caught in contact with male escorts whom you looked up/sought arranging sex. And he found out about it, was not told.

"So, in a way, I guess once upon a time I wasn't much worse than him..."

What, you were married, looked up the details of a sex worker, and then texted them about meeting up while your husband was in bed next to you?
...
...
No?........Then no, you haven't been "not much worse than him".

Does he realise the seriousness of the situation and how close he is to losing everything? Or does he think its no big deal since (allegedly) "nothing happened".

@Sandals19 yes - this is kind of what he was saying she was trying to make her think he wasn't just going to be wasting her time.

You know about two occasions.
How many occasions are there that you don't know about?

It's the actually fact he has reached out to anyone other than me - regardless of how he was feeling. And even if he hadn't done more than message at this point, it's a slippery slope. Because I'm sure 5 years ago he would have sworn blind he could never do such a thing. But once you start down this sort of route, in my view it all just because easier to do

Yep this is exactly my worry in my situation too. Because regardless of how much he begs forgiveness and wants to make things OK - from now on, he will always be someone who is capable of doing this to you and hurting you in this way. He'll never again be that person who you thought "he'd never do anything like that to me". Because now you know he would, because he's done this.

I hope that makes sense. That's how I'm currently feeling about my situation anyway so I imagine it must be similar for you. I feel like I don't even know him any more.

Cos I'm out tonight [he wasn't, he was in bed - we had been together all day]
DH: Come on, don't leave me hanging. I'm with my regular tonight. But I'm looking for something new.

That confirms (to me anyway) that he was not referring to you as his regular; he was just making up a scenario (same as being out) that explained why he couldn't meet her that night (I'm with my regular) and also implied he's a regular used who is reliable/trusted/safe.

@Singsongbird He knows. He does. He is remorseful and I guess scared that he knows he may just be about to lose everything. But has also said a tiny little part of him was glad I found out. Because it's now making us communicate in a way we haven't in a long time. Said he contemplated telling me. But also admitted he probably, when he came down to it, actually wouldn't have told me...

I know I haven't been the wife he needed

Has he been the husband you needed?

This is what i was thinking. Please don't blame yourself.