DP going to dog sit for ex on our first Christmas Eve. Err?

[Longfacenow]

Have just been informed that we can't spend Christmas Eve together because DP agreed to dog sit for his ex a few months ago.

In an effort not to drip feed...

We got together in October 2018. This afternoon we were chatting about our plans for Christmas Day and Boxing Day (separately with our respective children/extended families). I suggested spending some time together Christmas Eve after work then he told me this. His STBXW is going away with her new partner and the children until Christmas Day eve and they can't take the dog, so he is going to stay in their family home Christmas Eve after work (and the night before) with the dog.

It's got me thinking really. Why would he agree to this without thinking about me? Because of other plans it means not seeing each other for 10 days now over our first Christmas as a couple. Would this bother you? The Christmas bit isn't the thing that bothers me as much as not thinking about how I might feel about it. Is it normal to do dog sitting like this on special occasions?

Rational/get a grip woman comments welcome ladies! Can't figure this out alone.

Can you not go to the ex's house with him? Just for part of Christmas Eve or day?

Whilst he's being a responsible dog owner. All dog owners go out. Surely it gets left on its own for a few hours? He could visit you if he wanted. Otherwise go there for a couple of hours or invite him and his dog over. All this we're sooo busy stuff feels a bit dramatic, people who want to see each other make sure they do.

It is the family dog yes, not his wife's new dog.

Because of the distance and us both wanting to see our families on Christmas Day it's just not going to happen this year.

I am the first proper relationship since they split. He dated someone for about 2 months I think the year after they split.

Nope, no other reason to question his feelings for me. This is why I was after a sense check from you all. I am seriously useless at dating and inexperienced as married and divorced childhood sweetheart so haven't had many relationships.

Oh and they split just over 2 years ago. I don't want to say much more about their family as it's a public forum.

@zenithbear I agree people who want to see each other make time. It seems odd that taking care of the dog has to come at the exclusion of doing anything with your gf at Xmas eve / day

Am assuming Xmas day was also off the cards

If it were me depending on other behaviours it might feel to me the relationship wasn’t that serious, otherwise we’d spend at least some of the holidays together & am not a big celebrator of Xmas. Spending it alone chilling with dogs sounds delightful, however if I loved someone would ask if they wanted to spend it together & not isolate myself at Xmas.

Does he want to be there Xmas eve because he wants to be there for some celebration with his kids - it sounds like they will return on Xmas day.

@QueenofPain it is your comment that is ridiculous. The OP has already said that the dog cannot be looked after at her house because of allergies. (I wish people would read the posts properly).

If the OP is with her children on Christmas Eve and it's one of her children that has the allergy then how could they have a nice meal in a pub together?

Yes because of the distance it can't be a popping visit out to pub etc and because of allergies dog can't come to stay. Dog is lovely. Nothing against dog!

I hadn't considered how/what Christmas matters to him generally. As pp suggest maybe he isn't big into it. We had only met a handful of dates before last Christmas and I can't recall.

If I had suggested plans and he chose the dog over me after our convo I would be very disappointed then and moving on I think!

Just to highlight again, to me the dog is a red herring here. What I would be watching for are further signs that his ex-wife calls the shots and treats him like a pawn. Because it's pretty bloody bad actually - the assumption that he'd have nothing better to do obviously - while she jets off with his kids and her new man. It would quite possibly be the kind of thing you wouldn't even ask. And someone with good boundaries would hopefully remind her that actually, he does have better things to do than spend Xmas alone in his former family home - but yes of course let's put our heads together to work out how to accommodate the dog.

It is just a bit off. Did she instigate the split? If so, this goes double.

Forget the dog, keep a big eye on how he responds when she clicks her fingers. That's what will really have repercussions for your relationship.

Honestly, I love my dog but I wouldn’t be leaving a BF of more than a year alone on the day to baby sit a dog. People, particularly close people who you are going to let down and alone in Christmas are more important.

My BF was dog sitting for me last Christmas while I was away visiting my parents abroad, I ensured the dog was booked in a nice kennel on the key days so he did have the time to plan his Christmas as he wished, it was only fair.

Obviously, having a dog in a kennel in Christmas and Boxing Day costs twice or three times as much as in a normal day, so I guess that’s why he has been asked to dog sit but surely, he cannot have his priorities right if he didn’t even consider talking to you about how that was going to affect any plans for Christmas before accepting to dog sit.

I would say, his ex is still calling the shots, he puts a different values your relationship in a different way to the way you do, or he is so self absorbed he cannot consider your needs. I think all options are bad news, he should be more considerate with you.

He's not leaving her alone on Xmas day. Read her op, irs Xmas eve and she's other plans on Xmas day.

As I have already said some dogs would not be ok in kennels. Also some owners do not want their dog to go to kennels. Nothing wrong with that. Personally I would not be putting my dogs into kennels unless there was absolutely no other option. In this case there was an option.

Our usual dog sitter can't have our dogs this Christmas and we always spend it with my family (no option to take the dogs). Quite a distance so can't keep popping back to see them, play with them, walk them etc. It's been a bit of a nightmare but we have sorted a sitter now. More expensive than kennels would be but, as I said, no way are my dogs going into kennels

We don't know how long ago the arrangement for the dog was made although some of you seem to think you do know!

A poster suggests he remind his ex that "he does have better things to do"! Well if this was agreed months ago then he would not have known for sure he would still be with OP would he? Or he thought as OP would be spending the time with her children he would probably not see her anyway.

There must be a lot of posters on here who don't like dogs or else are not great owners.

Sounds like a shit excuse. Dogs can travel after all...

Ah OK, the red herring comments and the suggestions of keeping an eye on who calls the shots are very interesting. Hadn't considered that as nothing like this has happened before as we have only got closer this past few months having taken it slow.

@Whattodoabout another one who hasn't read the thread! Where is the dog supposedly travelling to? If it is to the OP that is not possible because of allergies in the family.

OP, personally I would pretty much ignore the comments about who calls the shots and red herrings. If the dog sitting arrangement was made some time ago those comments are not applicable in the slightest. If they were made fairly recently they might be valid but I still think it is just your partner being a responsible dog owner and also due to distance between you, the fact that you are both spending Christmas Day with your respective children/relatives and the allergy not really thinking spending time together was really feasible,

What would be a deal breaker for me is if your partner decided to leave the dog alone all day while at work and then all evening. I could not be interested in someone with so little regard for their pet especially one that is used to having someone with them the majority of the time

Did he have the kids with him last Christmas, OP? I'd have thought that might come up in even in casual conversation.

The way I'm imagining it is this:

Ex-W: new H and I would like to take the kids away Xmas Eve to see GPs (or whatever), do you have plans or would you mind sleeping over to look after Ddog til we get back Xmas day?

DP: yeah sure I have no firm plans and I know I won't be seeing long Xmas day anyway as she'll be with her family so that's no probs

Ex-w: great thanks, you'll be there to see the kids when we get back as well then

Zero drama or nefarious intentions on either side, if this was arranged a while back he prob just assumed you'd spend time together another time over Xmas

And to repeat: not all dogs can be kennelled, left alone for long periods of time, or left with people they don't know very well!!

Offs66 - yes I think it was like that too.

If I remember right he saw the kids at some point but was at his parents I think.

Lynsey - his ex is lovely and have never thought of any power issues before to be honest and I don't want to start doubting our entire relationship as you say.

Thanks all.

Oh mate, sounds a bit sad feeling left out because of the dog, as many have said - the ole dog is a much love family pet, and when families split - who gets the dog can be very painful. Regarding the allergies, of which I have an issue in my own family. We use Petal Cleanse, weekly, three weeks before our allergic adult kid comes home. Plus an air purifier that gets rid of dog dander and also keep our much loved dog away from the communal spaces that we share - essentially dog is in the kitchen, but it does work - we do this two or three times a year.