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Original poster

DP going to dog sit for ex on our first Christmas Eve. Err?

94 replies

Longfacenow · 17/11/2019 00:26

Have just been informed that we can't spend Christmas Eve together because DP agreed to dog sit for his ex a few months ago.

In an effort not to drip feed...

We got together in October 2018. This afternoon we were chatting about our plans for Christmas Day and Boxing Day (separately with our respective children/extended families). I suggested spending some time together Christmas Eve after work then he told me this. His STBXW is going away with her new partner and the children until Christmas Day eve and they can't take the dog, so he is going to stay in their family home Christmas Eve after work (and the night before) with the dog.

It's got me thinking really. Why would he agree to this without thinking about me? Because of other plans it means not seeing each other for 10 days now over our first Christmas as a couple. Would this bother you? The Christmas bit isn't the thing that bothers me as much as not thinking about how I might feel about it. Is it normal to do dog sitting like this on special occasions?

Rational/get a grip woman comments welcome ladies! Can't figure this out alone.

OP posts:

NabooThatsWho · 17/11/2019 07:43

I imagine he is dog sitting in her house because the dog is used to the environment

Maybe time for the dog to get used to new environments?

mclover · 17/11/2019 07:46

Would be a nope from me! Also what type of dull person wants to spend Xmas eve by themselves with a dog?

Ohffs66 · 17/11/2019 07:46

Being able to have some alone time with a much loved family pet that he probably doesnt see very often whilst everyone else is out sounds lovely! And if you hadn't made plans together for those specific days, and he has to factor in work / leaving the dog alone to work then I can easily see how he would have come to the conclusion it's a good idea. Was he aware that there is no other time at all over Christmas that you'd be able to spend together or have you only just worked this out? If it's the latter I really don't think he's in the wrong

Ohffs66 · 17/11/2019 07:49

Also for those that suggest he takes the dog to OPs or something, not all dogs cope well in strange environments (anxious dogs, dogs with health problems, dogs who need a lot of routine), mine definitely wouldn't.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/11/2019 07:50

Naboo
That’s all very well saying the dog needs to get used to a new environment but dogs don’t get what’s going on. My last dog would have been ok with change but not my current dog. I moved his crate into the hall once and tried to put him in it when I went out. He became incredibly stressed. He needs routine and familiarity or to be with people.

Original poster

Longfacenow · 17/11/2019 11:12

Thanks for the thoughts and suggestions everyone.

His STBXW has a new partner who doesn't live with her, so I don't think any of them find it odd that my DP will be spending the night there. He adores this dog by the way, so I know he'll enjoy it. But waking up alone on Christmas day in their house??

I think perhaps at the time it was arranged maybe I didn't seem that important?

The dog will be alone all day Christmas eve if it comes to me, but the issue is actually allergies in my household unfortunately and I can't join him unfortunately.

I think I'll just accept he's agreed to it and take note I'm consulted on special occasions in future or else I think I'm not that special!

OP posts:

baileys6904 · 17/11/2019 11:22

I used to walk and pop round to keep the dog company that belonged to DPs ex wife. DP looks after it while shes goes away with her partner. Doesnt mean I was less important. To the point I am typing this in the same room as the dog even now. Plus his kids, doing homework and being quite an important part in everyones life. #itstartedwiththedog lol

NoSquirrels · 17/11/2019 11:27

I think best to talk about big occasions earlier on - looks like he assumed you’d be busy with your arrangements so close to Christmas so didn’t see the issue with it?

NoSquirrels · 17/11/2019 11:31

To answer the last part of your OP, it’s a tricky time to get dog care, so close to Christmas, and if the dog was originally a family responsibility then actually a good sign he recognises he still has a commitment towards it despite not living there any more. It’s a shame your timetables haven’t worked out, though. Make New Year special instead.

FizzyGreenWater · 17/11/2019 12:39

Hmmm.

I think what I'd take from this is that it sounds as if the dynamic might be that exW says jump and he says how high.

So... his kids are going away for a lovely family Christmas with his ex's new bloke, so he isn't seeing his kids until Xmas evening at the earliest, but not only that, he gets to sit in the old house alone with the dog until they return?

At the very least, I'd expect someone with some self-respect to make the point that the dog can stay with him but he actually might have better things to do on Xmas day than to sit on his own in his old family home for his Ex's convenience!

Really is making it very clear that she's the one with the life and the people and he's a bit of a pawn in the background maybe?

So - no problem with loving spending xmas with the dog, but possibly quite a big problem about what this MIGHT indicate for the dynamic going forward. When did they split? If it's less than 2 Christmases ago, then even more of a red flag that she's taking the children away with a new bloke and they won't get to see their dad.

Musti · 17/11/2019 13:03

It's tricky if you have allergies. My dog is my baby and I would prioritise him,sorry.

HUZZAH212 · 17/11/2019 13:19

Is the house hours travel away? Can he not just come to see you for a few hours on Christmas eve? He obviously doesn't mind waking up in stbxw's house alone on Christmas day, and that's entirely his choice tbh.

HUZZAH212 · 17/11/2019 13:32

Also if nothing else was arranged/mentioned between you both regarding Christmas eve until now. He possibly thought it'd be nicer to send Christmas eve with the dog than sat on his own until his children return on Christmas day? Given the option of spending time with the dog, or sitting twiddling thumbs on my own (which he may have fully believed he was doing), or hanging on in the hope you may extend an invite? Then yes, I'd offer to look after the dog.

Techway · 17/11/2019 13:51

I don't see it as too much of an issue, he made the arrangements before you were together a year so he isn't rushing things. If he isn't thinking of you in fthe future then perhaps there is a message in there for you to heed.

The fact that he is amicable with his Ex is a good thing.

HUZZAH212 · 17/11/2019 14:11

I think if he was living with you, and/or you made firm arrangements for Christmas eve. Then yes I'd be totally wtf! 🙄 If he then sprung it on you he was actually staying at stbxw's to look after the dog. As it stands he's been expecting to wake up Christmas day in either his own house, or stbxw's house anyway. So it's not that he hadn't considered you. He just hasn't had an offer until now to do anything else. He can't just change his plans because there's a better offer on the table, it's too late for him to back out of the dog sitting.

Monr0e · 17/11/2019 14:14

Can the dog not be left home alone for a few hours? Surely you can still go for a nice meal or the cinema or just have a couple of hours together in between the dog sitting?

Actionhasmagic · 17/11/2019 14:56

I wouldn’t be happy with this. Who can’t you both go with dog to the pub? Or at least you could meet for Xmas eve for a meal for a few hours and he could go back and look after the dog. He’s not making any effort

lynsey91 · 17/11/2019 15:08

Presumably the dog is THEIR dog and not just his ex-wife's? In which case I think it's great that he is taking responsibility and looking after it. If the ex got it after they split then it is a bit more odd but would just show what a nice guy he is and an animal lover too.

@mclover not sure what you do on Christmas Eve but I see nothing wrong with spending it with a dog. If that makes me dull so be it. Even when younger I would not have been out drinking/partying or whatever on Christmas Eve.

Mitsouko67 · 17/11/2019 16:44

Cannot get over some of the messages here. I guess the English are a nation of dog lovers.

It would be me or the dog is think.

LemonTT · 17/11/2019 17:06

It’s probably not just about dog sitting. Like many people he may not be into Christmas. It is a difficult time for many who may prefer to be on their own. Having a dog to look after is a good excuse to do that.

Don’t take it personal, OP, it will not be about you. I used to love Christmas until I spent a few dealing with terminal illness in a loved one. It just reminds me of hospitals admissions and stress.

I don’t really want to celebrate it anymore or be around people. It is a bitter sweet period for lots of people.

Original poster

Longfacenow · 17/11/2019 18:26

Thank you to everyone who replied. I think I was taking it personally but am now thinking differently. I will be much more on the ball with future special occasions so that there is no doubt about plans or hopes etc. If I had suggested plans and he chose the dog over me after our convo I would be very disappointed then and moving on I think!

OP posts:

TangledMind · 17/11/2019 18:57

Me and my partner have been discussing dogs in regards to Christmas as well if anything sadly happened to our relationship. We have a LDR and two dogs, one is my assistance dog and the other is a 7 month old pet we got together. At the moment whenever we are apart I look after both dogs as on some occasions I can't take my AD and she has horrible separation anxiety so can't be left at home alone so the pup keeps her company. This is our first Christmas and we are staying with our own family's and meeting up again on boxing day. My family allows my AD to come to the gathering but the pup would be stuck at home so have arranged for my partner to instead take pup during Christmas.

We love both dogs and have agreed that should we have to split up that we would share the pup equally and he would come visit my AD as me and AD can't be split up for obvious reasons. Very much like children as we don't plan on having children of our own.

Regardless of the dynamic between your partner and his ex he very well may adore that dog and is sad he can't keep the dog himself so would jump at a chance to spend time with it. To expect that he never spends any time with the dog during holidays when he is most likely to finally get that chance is cruel. Yes it may suck but you get him alot more then the dog ever will and the dog was there first.

Original poster

Longfacenow · 17/11/2019 19:03

I'm not expecting he doesn't spend ANY time with the dog. He walks the dog every week. I wasn't meaning to be cruel.

OP posts:

Lifeisabeach09 · 17/11/2019 19:08

I'd be taking it personally. He prioritised the dog over his girlfriend, even if it was pre-arranged, he should have incorporated you somewhere in his plans.
Says it all really.

lynsey91 · 17/11/2019 19:46

@Lifeisabeach09 this might have been arranged ages ago. Some arrangement has to be made for the dog. You can't get a dog and then just not bother about it being looked after.

If the dog can't go to OP's house and she can't go to her partner's house what is he meant to do? Just leave the dog?

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