If you are divorced, would you..

[Laladoo]

... pick up your XW's bike from the bike shop and drop it at her place, without being asked?

Background is: I have been dating a lovely, divorced man for a few months. He and his XW get along well, have young three DC whom they parent 50/50. They split 3 years ago. She now has a partner.

He just mentioned on the phone that today he went to a shopping mall and since he was there he picked up his XW's bike, which was there to be fixed, and dropped it by hers. Apparently she had totally forgotten about the bike and had left it there for the whole winter, it didn't sound like she actively asked him to pick up the bike.

I am just wondering if it is common to go out of one's way to do this kind of favours to an ex? It sounds a bit strange to me, although I think it is great that they get along well. Would you find it weird? Would you be annoyed by it if you were in my shoes?

Based on what you have posted, just wondering, is it possible he still loves her? I wouldn't be annoyed but I would find it strange. Not that they get along, but that he holds her in mind like this. Unless whilst there the owner said your wife's bike is still here and he was going past her door anyway. That's less significant I feel.

Based from everything he said, he doesn't seem to have feelings for her beyond friendship and affection..

They split mutually (but conversation started from him) because they had become flatmates and there was no intimacy in the relationship. It was never acrimonious and they stayed friends. He is always very transparent with me about when and how he interacts with her and doesn't seem to hide it.

Is there any other stuff that has made you stop and think?

Innish well the fact that they are so friendly at the beginning threw me off a bit, but whenever he mentions her he seems to be very neutral (no extreme negative or positive feelings) and he is transparent about their interactions.

You know about her, but does she know about you ? They sound pretty close, if he took the time to remember her bike when she supposedly hadn’t mentioned it to him, it is a irksome. It would raise an orange flag for me personally if they are friends but she doesn’t know about you...

Why does he keep mentioning her in conversation ?

My friends have separated this year and although it’s not particularly amicable, my friend the exh went out of his way to buy her cold & flu remedies as she was too unwell to leave the house. He is a good all round guy, no feelings for his exw, just wouldn’t leave her suffering when he could help. I don’t think you have anything to worry about, your partner sounds like a lovely caring guy.

Why is it a problem that he still cares about his ex-wife and treats her like a friend and with respect?

My ex-H and I would (and have) done favours for each other.

We’re just good friends, nothing sinister or worrying at all.

Prawns it is not like he mentions her at a concerning rate, just sometimes he does as they still talk regularly about their DC and catch up about mutual friends and so on. He mentions her as often as I may mention my sister for example.

She knows he is dating someone, not sure if she knows the details about who I am though.

Yes but in that situation the person was unwell & coulsn’t leave the house. He didn’t just get her cold & flu tablets out of the blue, because she was on his mind & he happened to remember how she is prone to winter bugs.

People on here will flake you because the Mumsnet perspective is to favour close relationships with exes - usually because children are involved. Theoretically that’s true however sometimes people can be apart but still very much in each others’ pockets...

Eg some people would think their boyfriend was wonderful going to help fix the broken tap for the ex, because the kids come first & the water needs connecting ASAP - it’s in their best interest at the end of the day.

Others might argue that once you’re single those things should become your responsibility & I wouldn’t call my friend to come fix my tap, would turn the taps off & call a plumber. This would presumably be a display of empowerment - which is good for your self esteem plus the children to see a good role model sorting things out themselves & displaying independence.

I feel you OP

Did he pay for the bike repair when it was collected ?

How many months have you been dating ? Is he active on social media?

What’s his relationship history in the 3 years they have been separated?

Prawns not sure if he paid for it or not. We have been dating for roughly 5 months. He doesn't have any social media besides LinkedIn, however we have quite a few mutual acquaintances who confirmed quite a few details of his story (I checked when we started dating just to be sure!).

I know that he has definitely been single for 3 years. I have also spent a lot of time at his house when he doesn't have the DC, nothing shady there either.

Innish a couple of flings of 2/3 months each but nothing serious. She got together with her partner around a year and a half ago.

My parents are divorced and still good friends. They go for meals, we all celebrate Christmas together, and my dad helps my mum our where he can as she doesn't drive. I wouldn't read too much into it. I think it's nice, just because people don't make it as a couple doesn't mean they can't be friends and help each other out.

Me and my ex do this sort of thing. Absolutely no romantic feelings still there from either party. We are good friends.

It sounds like kindness not romance, imho.

I don't think I've ever seen a cycle repair shop in a shopping mall.

Which mall was it? Can you check what shops are there?

I think he sounds kind , hopefully he'll do the same for you !

Notsuchasmug not sure which mall it was as he lives in a different area from me. The shop could also have been close to the mall and he just walked by it.. not sure really!

I’m a year divorced and would do that for my ex. Definitely no romantic feelings there! He’s a nice chap and a good Dad. Helping him out helps out his relationship with our daughter. Anything that benefits DD is worth it for me!

I wouldn't worry at all about this. On the contrary it shows he's a decent guy who has managed to maintain a friendly relationship with his ex. Surely that's a good thing?
I wouldn't pick up my ex's bike but I do give him extra garden produce sometimes and fruit from the trees in the garden.
Our split wasn't at all amicable - he had an affair and left. But I'm a decent person.

I’d do this for my ex (my children’s dad) without even thinking about it... and believe me have zero feelings for him. Based on this alone I really wouldn’t read anything into it...

I don’t see a problem here

Definitely keep an eye on it. Many big relationships don’t neatly end and this kind of ‘favour’ is normalise but if it continues...

It really should be winding down now you are in the picture.