If you are divorced, would you..

[Laladoo]

... pick up your XW's bike from the bike shop and drop it at her place, without being asked?

Background is: I have been dating a lovely, divorced man for a few months. He and his XW get along well, have young three DC whom they parent 50/50. They split 3 years ago. She now has a partner.

He just mentioned on the phone that today he went to a shopping mall and since he was there he picked up his XW's bike, which was there to be fixed, and dropped it by hers. Apparently she had totally forgotten about the bike and had left it there for the whole winter, it didn't sound like she actively asked him to pick up the bike.

I am just wondering if it is common to go out of one's way to do this kind of favours to an ex? It sounds a bit strange to me, although I think it is great that they get along well. Would you find it weird? Would you be annoyed by it if you were in my shoes?

I have just posted about something similar too. Reading with interest OP. I wouldn't be keen on this.

So it sounds like the majority of posters think it is a kind thing to do and nothing to worry about?

It's nothing to worry about, as long as the chan of events was roughly:

• goes to mall he does not visit often for some reason or other
• whilst there passes cycle shop, which reminds him 'I wonder if X ever picked up her bike, she's not cycles for ages'
• goes in to ask
• as it's still there and it's really easy for him to do it, he picks it up for her.

If he was still hankering after her, you'd have noticed stuff other than this favour. If he was doing too much for her, you'd have noticed things other than ones which fall over his path whilst he's out and about on place of his choice

It wouldn't bother me unduly. It's the kind of thing my husband would do for his ex (mother of his son), and I like that he's a kind person.

Actually, when we got married, she and her two sisters did the buffet as a wedding present to us, so getting along definitely went in our favour!

Other favours (or just kind gestures) that he's done for her since we met:

• watering her plants at her place (former FH) while she is on holiday with DC.
• taking her skis to shop to be prepped for season while taking also the DC's skis which are stored at hers (so he took them all in one go).
• regular occurrences of flexibility with DC's custody to accommodate her holidays with new DP (tbh she does the same though).
• having dinner and several meetups with her parents, her and DC while they were visiting from abroad. He also drove them back to airport.
• they also spend Christmas together with her extended family abroad, as they have always done it and they don't want to disrupt Christmas traditions for the DC. He flies in just for 3 days from Christmas Eve to the 27th and then leaves, while she stays there for the full holiday period.

Their DC are 7 and 12.

Does this sound over the top? Until now I have always taken it that he is a kind man (which he is!!) but I am starting to question if it is a bit much!

They were part of each others lives for a long time, they have children together and they have remained friends.

Just because they've divorced doesn't mean they still can't have this kind of relationship.

And FWIW, my mum still spends time with my dads family (particularly my gran), and they've been divorced for 16 years. You can't just disappear out of someone's life without a good reason.

They have three children. Of course it's better that he behaves like a friend. He basically sounds like a generous-minded guy. With the bike, he was in the mall anyhow. It needed doing (who knows - maybe he'd taken it in? Maybe the bike shop had his number on file from before and he'd ignored reminders and felt a bit responsible?). It wasn't a special trip just fur the bike and in an impulse he just thought ok I'll drop it round.

I don't think you have to be in love to do that. Just a decent friend.

I wouldn't be threatened by this. I'd be glad he was mine.

Honestly it sounds like the ideal way to be divorced, for the sake of the kids and everyone's wellbeing. Good for them for managing it!

Have the kids met you? If so, I would suggest meeting her with kids and him for a coffee or something. If relations are so natural and easy, this should not be awkward for anyone.

If you haven't met the kids yet, and you do say you have only been dating a few months, then I would just let be, and keep an eye out..... but everything you describe sounds to me like two well adjusted, mature adults who have done really well to maintain relations for their kids through the stress of divorce... please, please don't try to jeopardize that for their kids by suggesting he should be more distant or less flexible with his ex.

I wouldn't be bothered if they had become friends especially if they had been together a long time.

Are you included or invited on the 3 day Christmas trip this year?

Do you have children and/or would you like to have children with him in the future?

I think particularly his willingness to be flexible and take the kids so she could have a holiday with her DP is a sign that there are no unresolved romantic issues here.

My parents split five years ago and my dad definitely doesn't want her back, but does favours for her whenever she needs it. Neither of them have found anyone else though, I think that would (and should!) change things.

Until now I have always taken it that he is a kind man (which he is!!) but I am starting to question if it is a bit much!

Is it a bit much for YOU?
Have you been in a relationship with a man with children before?

Innish no I am not invited, I haven't met his DC yet. We agreed that we will slowly do that after a year together. I would want to be really really sure of my relationship with their DF before meeting them.

I don't have DC and I am not planning to have any. I have never dated a man with DC before, so that could be the reason why I am a bit surprised by some of his behaviors.

I think it sounds nice and civilised. It’s be far worse if it was bitter and acrimonious. They’re showing their children the right way to do divorce.

I’m not divorced but I find it hard to imagine completely extracting yourselves from each other’s lives when they’ve been intertwined for so long.

I also go back to my home country to spend time with my own family over Christmas so I wouldn't want to spend it away from them tbh.

This type of set up seems extremely child-focussed and respectful.

I'd have no problems with this at present...although it may prove interesting if further down the line, after your relationship has developed, to see if you will be included in these activities.

I'd go along with it and be supportive of this arrangement because the opposite is completely hard work when you have a DP with an ex that creates nothing but a toxic atmosphere.

I think that they sound like exemplary parents modelling cooperation, communication, kindness and respect to their parents, each other and their ILs.

I just think it is really v sad that they were unable to find the missing link to keep their kind and respectful marriage together for their v young children.

My exH and I are like this, helping each other out, and also do some day trips together with DS at weekends. I would describe us more akin to brother and sister than good friends though, because we do bicker, and don't wholly like each other all the time! But we are tied through DS for the next decade, and I wouldn't want to have a doorstep handover type relationship.

Your DP sounds like a nice, decent man, doing the best thing for his children.

*to their children (not parents)

Adults should be able to get on after a relationship has ended.

An ex is my best friend, we regularly do things together, he’s in Mexico at the moment so I will go to his flat later to make sure his plants are okay and give it a quick hoover/dust. When we were together his Mum was essentially the closest thing I had to a parent, she still is and I spend Xmas with her and my son, he calls her Grandma.

If my partner wasn’t comfortable with it then he would no longer be a partner as he wouldn’t be right for me. He has met my ex a few times, he knew who he was before he met me, we went on a weekend away a while ago with a big group of my friends, including my ex. All fine.

"whenever he mentions her he seems to be very neutral (no extreme negative or positive feelings) and he is transparent about their interactions."

sounds brilliant. Emotionally healthy. Its the ones that spit hatred and bile you have to watch out for

The examples you've used suggest that they are have sorted out a good relationship post divorce and kept the DC front and central in their relationship.

Undoubtedly this relationship will bring new people into your sphere. It will mean some compromise in terms of sharing his kindness.

You don't sound totally sure about it. Not sure dating a divorced man with children gets better than this though unless you are to risk your heart with someone prepared to walk away from people he previously said he loved.

NWQM It is a completely new experience for me as I have never dated someone with children, so I think I am still adjusting to the dynamics of the situation. I don't resent it at the moment, I just don't know how to judge if this is a case of "brilliant mature and respectful relationship between co-parents who care about each other" or "two exes that are still way too much in each other's pockets".