If you are divorced, would you..

[Laladoo]

... pick up your XW's bike from the bike shop and drop it at her place, without being asked?

Background is: I have been dating a lovely, divorced man for a few months. He and his XW get along well, have young three DC whom they parent 50/50. They split 3 years ago. She now has a partner.

He just mentioned on the phone that today he went to a shopping mall and since he was there he picked up his XW's bike, which was there to be fixed, and dropped it by hers. Apparently she had totally forgotten about the bike and had left it there for the whole winter, it didn't sound like she actively asked him to pick up the bike.

I am just wondering if it is common to go out of one's way to do this kind of favours to an ex? It sounds a bit strange to me, although I think it is great that they get along well. Would you find it weird? Would you be annoyed by it if you were in my shoes?

I have come round to thinking that they just get on a d it's a good thing.

However, it's not going to be that easy if in a couple of years you are still left out of these trips etc is it?

OP despite anything people can say on here to give examples of their ex relationships, you need to decide (maybe over time, rather than an isolated one-off) whether you're comfortable with the lack of boundaries in your DPs relationship with his ex.

There's one thing dropping your ex a text to remind them about a bike, and another picking up the bike, presumably paying for it and then stopping it round to her house. Where does it end? Will it be more and more drip feeds in the coming weeks months and years, that could leave you to believe he hasn't really cut the emotional ties? Will it become mentionitis? Who knows.

There's another thread running where an ex comes round to the OPs house and cooks dinner for the DC round there.

Everyone has their own expectations about where the boundaries start and end.

In my world, it would be cordial, arms length, let's be civilised for the sake of the DC. It wouldn't involve any interventions or volunteer 'rescuing' like this bike incident. He needs to back off and let her deal with her life. She's an adult who should be dealing with her own shit.

To be fair he is a people pleaser, I can see that clearly in the way he is with me and other mutual friends. I suspect this tendency if his plays a role in the way he acts towards her.

My parents are separated (still legally married and shared finances etc ) and have been for about 17 years! They are best friends, spend time together regularly and we all stay at mum’s for Christmas. There is no romantic involvement. Mum has since gone on to have new partners, though dad hasn’t (to our knowledge!) It can and does happen that ex’s stay friends and amicable. Your new DP actually sounds a bit like my dad :)

To be fair he is a people pleaser, I can see that clearly in the way he is with me and other mutual friends. I suspect this tendency if his plays a role in the way he acts towards her.

Orrrr he's a just a nice guy with respect and time for a friend, who happens to be the mother of his children.

You should probably bow out if you've got an issue with it.

He just sounds like a thoroughly decent human being and a keeper. Nothing there to worry about.

I wouldn't judge him on one kind act. But I have been out with some divorced men who overdo it - constantly doing things for their ex either at their instigation or hers. Popping round, fixing things, taking the car to be mended. And in a sense it suggested to me that they were still involved and dependent on each other in a way I have never been with my ex. It's up to you to work out what feels instinctively comfortable. I didn't want to be in the same space of another relationship.

@Laladoo what did he say about picking up the bike? Why did he know it was there?

It is a bit 'above and beyond' even for a friend but then if it didn't put him out there doesn't seem to be much harm.