DH texting other women, I am gay - I am laughing as I'm writing this..

[KirstyHasLeft]

So, I have been posting here about my woman crush and how I have finally realised that I am gay.
Since I am confused AF and don't know what to do - here I come to ask for advice. I somehow sense that the general response will be - divorce. But I need to hear it..

We've been married for 10 years and have 2 DC in primary school. I work part time.
Our marriage has been ok - ups and downs but overall fine. Two years ago my DH had a depression that lasted until very recently. It was damn hard. He was often aggressive, shouty and very hard to live with.
Last year I found texts on his phone -he texted another woman from his work. It's been going on for a while. He even bought her Christmas present. I don't know what else happened. Anyway, I confronted him and he apologised, sweared to stop and sweared that nothing happened between them.

He also texts and flirts with some other women from his work but he claims they are just friends.

Last year I fell for another woman. It's been horrible for me. Eventually it hit me that I am gay as I really like women and not that into men .. I posted here on MN and my DH found and read all. So I had to admit I am gay (or bi? who knows..). In all fairness, my DH behaved so kindly towards me. We talked a lot and he said he loves me more that anything. He said that if I really think I am not happy with him, he will let me go. But it would break his heart. Stuff like that.. I must say - he snapped out of his depression, has changed - does not scream at me anymore and is a loving, lovely DH. He has become quite needy - e.g. -demands I text him I love him every day. But for me - so much damage has been done to my feelings to him, I don't know if I can find my way back to him.

Anyway - whilst all this was happening and he was claiming he loves me - he was texting yet another woman from his work. He confessed they went out few times but nothing happened. He says he needs love and attention from someone as I am not giving him enough. So he is still in contact with her. He put a pin on his phone so I can't check it. He swears he loves me so much that he could never actually cheat on me.

We actually are a great team. We think alike, finish each others sentences, we are best friends.

This is such a mess.. Should I leave him? Is my judgement clouded because of my crush? Am I stupid for believing him that he hasn't slept with anyone else? Is there any point staying married? Shall I leave just because I am gay? It feels so hard to break what seems like a good family.. I have nowhere to go if I leave..

Any advice, please.

Hi @looop :)
Thank you! It has been mental but I hope it will be well worth it. Me and my ex have managed to split on the best terms possible and remain friends.
My crush - I actually get to chat to her every day now. She is so lovely. BUT - during the lockdown I have literally forced myself to get over her. It took so much strength and, eventually, brought me peace, which I haven't had for ages. It's like a toothache suddenly stops and you have the biggest relief ever. I can't possibly let myself into that suffering again. Not after all I have been through - I can't be in love with someone unavailable. Might as well have stayed married. So I am trying to find tiny annoying things about her - anything - just to keep strong and not fall back. The positives are - I can have a normal chat with her without freaking out and having anxiety attacks :D I am finding it difficult to let go of my feelings and my attachment to her but I am doing my best as I know it is what I need.

OP, your marriage is over and your husband sounds abusive.

He's controlling and coercive. You need to look into divorce. How do you think your children feel with all this drama you seem to thrive on? Can they hear your husband screaming in your face because their grandmother has cancer?

He now wants to know the details of your sexual exploits. Please get some legal advice and start plans to divorce.

Old post - I can see you've divorced, thankfully.

KirstyHasLeft Oh well at least it's turned out amicably, that's a win for sure.

Ah, what to say? It's hard getting over someone, but feeling less anxious and less pain has to be an improvement. How are you managing talking to her daily? It was a crush thread, in which I 'found' you. Unfortunately for me, mine still rages on. Though similarly, I'm taking some time away from that person, to 'regroup' and deal with current my mental health crisis. I'm hoping that when we are reunited, I will be thinking and acting a little more rationally.

Oh, @looop, I really hope you find the strength - and I know it takes a lot of mental strength - to pull yourself out of this. In a way the lockdown was a blessing for dealing with crushes!

@dootball

Surely you just need to get another women to move in with you both and you will both be happy?

Because gay women like dick also?

KirstyHasLeft Thank you, that's very kind of you. I'm trying desperately, but not feeling very hopeful right now.

Lockdown, has and hasn't helped. We're frontline workers, so for the most part it's been pretty much the same contact, apart from not working as directly as we normally would. On top of that; he's aware of my illness, which has added another level of complication to our relationship. I've allowed myself to be vulnerable, which sometimes he has been great with and at others he's left me desperately disappointed

How are you managing to stay in contact, but curb your feelings? I can't comprehend how I can achieve this myself

@looop - 'How are you managing to stay in contact, but curb your feelings? I can't comprehend how I can achieve this myself '

I don't know. I think I have literally talked myself out of this. I have watched some videos on youtube about limerence and crushes. I tried wearing a rubber band on my wrist and flicking it every time I think of her (that was intense but opened my eyes HOW OFTEN I think of her).

In the end, I started treating my crushing as an addiction - because I believe that's what it was for me. The incredible highs and incredible lows - my brain got addicted to the dopamine rush, and every time I wouldn't see her or she wouldn't smile at me - my brain would just crash. And every time she was giving me some kind of attention - I just felt happy and elated and satisfied. Like an addict. So this approach has helped me a lot. I still see her and she is great, but I look at her as my addiction. And I know- no matter how much I long for it - all it is -is just my brain needing dopamine (or whatever else gets released in my stupid head every time I see her).

I really hope there is someone out there for me, though.

@looop, working together must be so hard! Stay strong - nothing lasts forever and this crush won't either!

I'd agree it's like an addiction. Searching for the 'high'.
We seem to go round in a massive circle, and have done for some time now.
I'm sure for the past 6 months or so, my illness hasn't helped. I can't trust gut, my mind or mine or other's feelings. Sometimes I can be so sure, that it is reciprocated, then other times I feel I have got it so wrong.
I'm off for the next two weeks, (signed off) and I know I won't hear from him in this time. Though he will know why I'm off. If he gave the remotest damn, he'd check in wouldn't he? (even as a supposed friend).
I keep coming back to that thought, why waste energy on someone who says they're your friend, but at the time you really need one, they're no where to be seen?
As I said earlier, I acknowledged I needed the break. Hopefully once the doctors have sorted my meds out, and I've got used to them, I will feel ok to return. And not be a complete psycho when I see him!

How did you manage to get divorced so quickly, OP?

I filed for divorce on Valentine's day and got decree absolute in May. We did a DIY divorce online and agreed about kids/money etc ourselves. So it was very straightforward and easy.

That's astonishingly quick!!