DH texting other women, I am gay - I am laughing as I'm writing this..

[KirstyHasLeft]

So, I have been posting here about my woman crush and how I have finally realised that I am gay.
Since I am confused AF and don't know what to do - here I come to ask for advice. I somehow sense that the general response will be - divorce. But I need to hear it..

We've been married for 10 years and have 2 DC in primary school. I work part time.
Our marriage has been ok - ups and downs but overall fine. Two years ago my DH had a depression that lasted until very recently. It was damn hard. He was often aggressive, shouty and very hard to live with.
Last year I found texts on his phone -he texted another woman from his work. It's been going on for a while. He even bought her Christmas present. I don't know what else happened. Anyway, I confronted him and he apologised, sweared to stop and sweared that nothing happened between them.

He also texts and flirts with some other women from his work but he claims they are just friends.

Last year I fell for another woman. It's been horrible for me. Eventually it hit me that I am gay as I really like women and not that into men .. I posted here on MN and my DH found and read all. So I had to admit I am gay (or bi? who knows..). In all fairness, my DH behaved so kindly towards me. We talked a lot and he said he loves me more that anything. He said that if I really think I am not happy with him, he will let me go. But it would break his heart. Stuff like that.. I must say - he snapped out of his depression, has changed - does not scream at me anymore and is a loving, lovely DH. He has become quite needy - e.g. -demands I text him I love him every day. But for me - so much damage has been done to my feelings to him, I don't know if I can find my way back to him.

Anyway - whilst all this was happening and he was claiming he loves me - he was texting yet another woman from his work. He confessed they went out few times but nothing happened. He says he needs love and attention from someone as I am not giving him enough. So he is still in contact with her. He put a pin on his phone so I can't check it. He swears he loves me so much that he could never actually cheat on me.

We actually are a great team. We think alike, finish each others sentences, we are best friends.

This is such a mess.. Should I leave him? Is my judgement clouded because of my crush? Am I stupid for believing him that he hasn't slept with anyone else? Is there any point staying married? Shall I leave just because I am gay? It feels so hard to break what seems like a good family.. I have nowhere to go if I leave..

Any advice, please.

Your poor children.

To be honest, you both sound really dysfunctional - like neither of you would recognise an authentic relationship if it hit you in the face. Perhaps that is what drew you together.

You will both be better off apart. To find something and someone who you truly connect with.

He sounds like an arsehole, btw.

@Keepmewarm Why?!

Unless both of you can agree to a MINO (marriage in name only) then you'll need to separate. Apparently he wants you to be faithful, but he wants the freedom to do as he pleases based on the fact that you 'don't show him enough attention' (because you are not attracted to him). He feels you being gay is carte blanche for him to cheat, but not for you to do likewise.

And him wanting you to 'try' having sex with a woman 'to be sure' but then come home and give him all the details is just creepy and pervy. Yuck.

The fact he can't keep t in his pants should have been the reason you split, back then.
Of course he still loves you he can shag who he wants now you are gay.
You should both find happiness with other people, or am I missing something?

Your relationship has definitely run its course and you need to let each other find someone who really wants them as a romantic partner as well as a friend.

You can still be friends and good co-parents. This can work, I know people IRL who still "love" each other as friends but have new partners and are great co-parents.

Yes, your comfortable life will be upset for a while, but things will settle down.

I feel like every time he screamed at me. Every time he threw a tantrum because I didn't want to have sex with him on his demand out of the blue. Every time he was so rude to me. Like when my mum found that she has a cancer and I mentioned that I should fly over to see her - he screamed in my face for two days- because he didn't want me to spend money on tickets and didn't want to be left with DC alone.
All these things slowly killed my love for him.
That's why I don't care if he texts or sees other women.
But he also has a wonderful side. He is not all bad. And that's why I find it hard to just up and leave.

The only bit where you seem vaguley interested in him, is the nice home that you cant keep.

Do you work?

You are not a good team. This is miserable.

@MsRomanoff I work part time to fit around kids' school run.

Yes, when it's all written down I can see what a crap marriage I have.

He is trying to be romantic - we just spent a weekend away and it was not too bad. Although I was seriously flirting with another lady who was there too- I've known her for years - he never noticed. Such a mess.

Wtf? You’re both as bad as each other. Your relationship is seriously odd.

You need to make plans to get into full time work and work towards leaving.

You wont be happy staying.

You could split up.

You could co parent under the same roof , but have separate private lives.

The only thing that is unproductive is staying as you are.

Are you renting ? I really think you need to separate and sort out finances and child care before moving on. The comment about you giving him details if you went with a woman to me is so disrespectful of your emotional well being . I don’t think he cares at all , he probably just does not want anyone else to know in case it makes him look inadequate.

If you really love him as a person and want the best for the father of your children, either leave or recommit permanently. You can’t keep him in this grey zone of indecision.

Mneh. Genuine depression is not something anybody snaps out of. Least of all because they just found out their partner is gay.

He sounds controlling, not depressed, not needy.

Why on earth do you think it's normal for him to stalk your online postings?

Somebody doesn't have to be ''all bad'' for you to leave them!

You say he's not all bad, and fair enough, the relationship hasn't met his needs (nor yours) but just because a person has some goodness in them does not mean that you're obliged to stay!

You're doing him a favour by leaving, be the first to do it. It'll be hard, because this is your habit. And his. But be the braver one.

I'm a gay woman. I don't think youre "gay" perhaps bisexual, or curious. I couldn't share a bed with a man, any type of intimacy with one. If it's ruining your relationship perhaps take a break, see what you both gain from time apart.

If you're gay stop wasting both of your time and pack in the marriage.

he screamed at me. Every time he threw a tantrum because I didn't want to have sex with him on his demand out of the blue. Every time he was so rude to me. Like when my mum found that she has a cancer and I mentioned that I should fly over to see her - he screamed in my face for two days- because he didn't want me to spend money on tickets and didn't want to be left with DC alone.
Jesus Christ! Ltb.

Yes, not wanting to sleep with this abusive man wouldn't make you gay!
I know there's other stuff going on too, with your crush, but don't race to label yourself. Untangle yourself first. Let it settle.

You’re used to the drama and adrenalin - it’s your normal.

You’re not good together and you both have a lot of, um, personal development to work on.

He’s an arsehole but it sounds as if you’re feeding off it all.

OP you didn't mention all this screaming at you tantrum stuff.

Sort out your finances and leave. No question.

Fuck me, your update makes him sound a proper cunt. Get rid! It'll b/rate.

You need to end this marriage, for many, many reasons. It's not good for any of you.