DH texting other women, I am gay - I am laughing as I'm writing this..

[KirstyHasLeft]

So, I have been posting here about my woman crush and how I have finally realised that I am gay.
Since I am confused AF and don't know what to do - here I come to ask for advice. I somehow sense that the general response will be - divorce. But I need to hear it..

We've been married for 10 years and have 2 DC in primary school. I work part time.
Our marriage has been ok - ups and downs but overall fine. Two years ago my DH had a depression that lasted until very recently. It was damn hard. He was often aggressive, shouty and very hard to live with.
Last year I found texts on his phone -he texted another woman from his work. It's been going on for a while. He even bought her Christmas present. I don't know what else happened. Anyway, I confronted him and he apologised, sweared to stop and sweared that nothing happened between them.

He also texts and flirts with some other women from his work but he claims they are just friends.

Last year I fell for another woman. It's been horrible for me. Eventually it hit me that I am gay as I really like women and not that into men .. I posted here on MN and my DH found and read all. So I had to admit I am gay (or bi? who knows..). In all fairness, my DH behaved so kindly towards me. We talked a lot and he said he loves me more that anything. He said that if I really think I am not happy with him, he will let me go. But it would break his heart. Stuff like that.. I must say - he snapped out of his depression, has changed - does not scream at me anymore and is a loving, lovely DH. He has become quite needy - e.g. -demands I text him I love him every day. But for me - so much damage has been done to my feelings to him, I don't know if I can find my way back to him.

Anyway - whilst all this was happening and he was claiming he loves me - he was texting yet another woman from his work. He confessed they went out few times but nothing happened. He says he needs love and attention from someone as I am not giving him enough. So he is still in contact with her. He put a pin on his phone so I can't check it. He swears he loves me so much that he could never actually cheat on me.

We actually are a great team. We think alike, finish each others sentences, we are best friends.

This is such a mess.. Should I leave him? Is my judgement clouded because of my crush? Am I stupid for believing him that he hasn't slept with anyone else? Is there any point staying married? Shall I leave just because I am gay? It feels so hard to break what seems like a good family.. I have nowhere to go if I leave..

Any advice, please.

I feel like every time he screamed at me. Every time he threw a tantrum because I didn't want to have sex with him on his demand out of the blue. Every time he was so rude to me. Like when my mum found that she has a cancer and I mentioned that I should fly over to see her - he screamed in my face for two days- because he didn't want me to spend money on tickets and didn't want to be left with DC alone.

This is so far from normal I don't even know where to begin telling you how much is wrong with it. It sounds like you would benefit from splitting and spending some time alone learning about healthy/ unhealthy relationships before getting involved with anyone else.

Fuck me, but your husband is one massive manipulative bastard!

He treats you like shit until he realises you could leave him, then reels you back in with protestations of love; all the while sniffing around other women looking for a bit on the side.

You know the "He was often aggressive, shouty and very hard to live with" you posted? That is the real him. Depression my arse, that is who he is comfortable being.

He wants you to have sex with another woman and then tell him all about it? Really? He wants to use you as porn? What a prince!

"I feel like every time he screamed at me. Every time he threw a tantrum because I didn't want to have sex with him on his demand out of the blue. Every time he was so rude to me. Like when my mum found that she has a cancer and I mentioned that I should fly over to see her - he screamed in my face for two days- because he didn't want me to spend money on tickets and didn't want to be left with DC alone. All these things slowly killed my love for him."
That made me so sad to read. The only reason he isn't screaming at you now is not because his 'depression' has passed, or because he is being 'kind'. It's because he is hoping to get some jollies from you exploring your sexuality. Gad, even typing that makes me feel a bit sick. He is such a wanker .

He is treating you as a combination domestic appliance (housewife/mother) and wank material (your sexuality). This is a marriage in name only.

I feel like you’re just hanging on to your relationship as it’s convenient for you and of course you want your kids to have a mum and dad together. BUT if a lovely lady took your fancy, you’d be off without a backward glance. Regardless if you are gay or not, I don’t think this is the issue. You are not in love with your husband and he sounds like he has less than desirable qualities. You deserve better. You’re scared to be on your own and you’re waiting for something better to come along. The question is, do you stay and wait OR leave with no guarantee the grass will be greener!?

He'll be suggesting threesomes next. Dont stay for the sake of the kids - what will that teach them about healthy relationships? You need to separate. There's no way to salvage this sham of a marriage.

You get one life. Stop wasting it on this man and stop making the trauma your kids will go through worse. Split now.

This post is so bizarre. You sound like that couple who is hitting on ransoms when you go out & people think you’re swingers & must have this wild sex life! But in reality you are both sexually repressing yourselves in favour of this family lifestyle... but it’s all a facade.

Maybe he might not be sniffing around other women if OP was more affectionate. Maybe OP would be more affectionate if he hadn’t behaved badly in the past. Not sure what’s come first, but either way you both sound miserable & hope you can find a way forward.

I think you should leave though an open marriage could work if you still get on but are both open to seeing other people so this might be a possibility.

Firstly, you don't like men, so it's kind of an impossible problem that you're married to one.

Secondly, he cheats, or at least tries to, and then blames you for it and does nothing to reassure you (eg changing the pin on his phone is very suspicious). On top of his past abuse, it doesnt sound great

I've known people who divorce when one realizes that they're gay, and make a great job of co-parenting and being good friends with a strong parenting partnership.

you H doesn't sound like he could do this, but it is a possible outcome.

Why are you thinking you'd need to move out/away? Could you work more and each have a home close to each other to bring the kids up?
could he get a flat nearby and you keep the current home with the kids?

There are many possible ways to live your life. You're allowed to make up your own choices.

Just for my penny’s worth I’d say separate - your DH does not treat you respectfully. That needy behaviour with texting other women is so head wrecking and hurtful. It’s broken your marriage.

Then after you’ve picked up the pieces, only then experiment with your sexuality and see what you feel. As now and separating I worry that you are too vulnerable emotionally to be jumping into a brand new life.

I've been in a similar situation to you. I would say you probably just love him as a friend now, like I do with my ex. I think perhaps you are both just trundling along looking at other people to avoid the complications of splitting up. You need to sit down and work out some logistics, you can't keep avoiding the elephant in the room.

The most annoying thing is I know I'm at least bi, but I can't find anyone to try anything out with haha! No one wants to know a previously married woman with 3 young children. I hope you can! Is your crush gay?

You have 3 options the way I see it, 1. Live together, neither of you is getting what you want but there's more to life than sex 2. Open relationship, discreet of course 3. Split up.

None of them ideal, but you aren't happy neither is he.

Personally (I'm going through divorce though we are both straight) I would have opted for 2. over divorce but he wasn't interested

@middlemuddle Oh dear, I also don't think anyone will be into me with 2 kids..
She is straight. I only like straight women it appears.
BTW I always always had crushes on girls- ever since I was a little girl. But I was brought up straight and never even imagined that I could be gay or bi. I just suppressed all those feelings and instead fell for camp guys

My future is so bright!

Regardless of sexuality it seems like your relationship is dead.
As someone who's been out for a long time, it is harder being gay than being straight on many levels but definitely easier now than it used to be.
I've had a relationship with someone who has recently been straight, and as with any relationship the issue is mainly compatibility.
Memento mori op

I know a man who was married to someone who was gay and over the years it eroded him and he ended up cheating as did she before they ended it and she then got with her OW.

Both of them ended up happier. It isn't fair to either of you to live like this.

He is away working this weekend.
He is texting me like 30 times a day saying he loves me and sending love emojis. Then he gets upset when I don't reply with the same.
I explained to him many times that this drives me crazy and makes me want to burn my phone.
I just counted - last night in space of 20 minutes he sent me 52 messages.. I sent him 7 back to calm him down, make him happy so he leaves me alone. In the end I gave up. What is wrong with him??

Open marriage?

Because you aren't quite being fair. Its fine for you to be gay and not be attracted to him;

but have wife reactions when he looks elsewhere for that attraction.

So maybe you should acknowledge your primary bond and both look for what you need?

He's reacting in a needy way because he knows your relationship is ending. My advice would be to keep the focus firmly on yourself and how you feel... both about his unfaithfulness and your sexuality. Stop pandering to him. Tell him his constant texting is driving you mad you you want a social media and texting break from each other.

It's clear the relationship is over and yet you are each hanging on. Maybe sit with that and work out why you are so scared to let it go? Perhaps some individual counselling just for you would enable you to make sense of your feelings?

He's awful really awful!!!

Texting other women yet demanding your attention, wants you to have sex with someone else but have to tell him all about it.

Geez run, this isn't a marriage it's an utter farce.

If you feel you are gay then you need to end the relationship, move on to a one more to your liking and leave him to find someone he can be happy with.

Where are your kids in all of this feverish drama, which you both seem to be feeding off?

It’s obvious you should separate.

He doesn't want open relationships. He wants to be a happy couple with me

No OP he wants you washing his skids and cooking his meals while he ploughs though the population of his workplace!

What is wrong with him??

He is worried about losing the person who washes his skids and cooks his meals. Is these little bits on the side won't seem as exciting without someone to hide it from
Will it???

Leave don’t tell him just leave

Hello everyone.
Just thought I should post an update about what happened since I started this discussion.
A lot of things happened but in short - we got divorced last month. I now have some housing issues but I am sure things will work out somehow.

It was so incredibly hard to get to the point where we decided to separate, and I went through so much guilt and grief. However, I am feeling relieved and free.
Life is going to be tough, and it was a terrible time to divorce with all the pandemic going on. But I did it and I am so proud and grateful to have had strength to go through it.
It was MN that first put the unimaginable idea into my head that I shall divorce. Thank you! :)

Hi KirstyHasLeft, we've come across each other on another thread, but I remember your story well.

Although things are still tough for you, I must say I have huge respect for the road you have taken. I'm sure it will eventually lead you to happiness.

Ps. How's the crush?! (Do I dare ask?!)