Relationship advice, boyfriend with trust issues? Please read.

[Bluelemon85]

Hello, I'm thinking of ending things with my partner of two years.
He is sometimes a lovely guy, or seems to be. He is kind, generous and usually fun to be with. However, he has never trusted me and this crops up from time to time, it has right from the beginning but I persevered in the hope we could overcome this.
He gets upset if I don't answer the phone quickly or miss his calls. He has taken to video calling me lots. He does work away so it's nice sometimes but I've a feeling he's checking up as sometimes he has asked who is with me in the house, when there has been no one. Also, if I move his stuff to tidy up he suggests I'm hiding it because I have another man round. He turns up late at night sometimes too and I think he is checking. I recently had a skin complaint on my leg and he said it was an STD...When we have arguments he calls me a slag and other things. Then goes back to his normal self but I have been keeping track of these things. There have been other issues as well but I wondered if this is enough.
I have never given him cause for concern. I am the least likely person to cheat. I'm quite private and not very social, I spend a lot of time alone. He however, sometimes goes on drinking binges and I don't hear from him on days when this happens. He gave me his Facebook password because I was concerned about a girl contacting him late at night. Since then he has added others, sent messages to exes and even joined a dating site. He said this was all simply to make me jealous, as he knew I would be looking. Whether that's the case or not, of course it did make me jealous and upset and I have acted a bit crazy on occasion due to this. I have decided I can't do this anymore as recently he accused me again, so I left him to his own devices. He hasn't made much contact and I blocked him after abusive texts.
I suppose I just feel a bit sad that we did share good times and I feel like it's been dirtied by all this negativity. I care about him but feel he has issues and I worry for myself.
What are your thoughts? I have tried to speak to him about my feelings throughout our relationship but he always dismisses it says he will change but never has.

There is absolutely nothing "lovely" about this wanker. You seriously need to work on your self esteem OP if you are even considering entertaining this man again.

Controlling, manipulative, verbally abusive, deflects own behaviour through accusations, a drunk, a liar.

Lovely my arse.

I saw hed tried to call twice last night. I have left him on block though. Hopefully going no contact will help. I know if I speak to him I'll be weak. Feel like maybe i should give an explanation to him, but I don't want any more hassle. But he must realise surely. The lines of communication were open until those last abusive texts from him.
I feel a bit better today I think.

Stay strong Blue x
You dont owe him an explanation.
Leave him blocked, focus on yourself & move forward.

I have just messaged a couple of counsellors from the links posted. So hopefully I can get on the road to recovery. I need to figure out why I continue to accept bad behaviour and change the pattern.

He also knows I had an abusive childhood and sometimes I think he almost uses that somehow
Unfortunately abusers do this!
You were a target for him.
Well done on ending things OP.
And get some counselling asap.
Please contact Womens Aid and do their Freedom Programme asap!
Attend in person if you can.
If not then there is an online course.
You ignored so so many red flags.
But you will get there OP.
You've recognised this now.
I hope you get some support and help through counselling and Womens Aid!

You are doing so well. Well done on contacting those counsellors. Look at counselling as an investment in yourself. Hopefully, this relationship is the catalyst for you to change and heal. Please stay away from him OP. Don't communicate with him as he'll try to manipulate you. You are worth so much more than this man. You're feeling better because you're off the roller coaster and able to focus on yourself and getting on with your life. It will get better day by day.

I’m sorry your going through this . I’m sure we e all experiences something similar . But I hate to say it they don’t usually change and ask yourself why is he so paranoid when you give him no reason ? Maybe it’s him doing the cheating . You say about he goes on drink binges I don’t wana upset you but I doubt very much his been totally faithful which makes him think we’re all the same . If he hasn’t bothered to contact you then that says a lot I’d expect him to be on his knees apologising as that what he would do if he didn’t wana lose you . If I were you I wouldn’t contact him and see what happens . If my parter acted like this he’d be out on his earoll. Love is meant to make you feel special like I wake up to text every single morning just little things . Sounds like you could do better . Where does it end otherwise. you sound a lovely girl and could do better and he obviously knows that. Good luck .

He has been paranoid from the beginning pretty much. I think there might be more to it than alcohol to be honest but I'm not sure. There was a lot of trouble with this at the beginning but I liked him (Well the other side of him) and chose to ignore it, as he did seem to be getting better this past year.
He went to NA meetings recently but this seemed to fizzle out.
I had told him about my abusive family so he knows what I went through. He just doesn't trust me. If I move his stuff in the house he thinks I'm hiding it from another man, he's looked around the house before checking. But when he's sober he doesn't act like this.
When he's drunk that's when I get the abusive texts, I told him to stop doing this cos it hurts me but he still does it. I have also sent him bad texts, but it when I'm mad that he's gone off on one or I've found his dodgy online activity. He says he only messages these women as he knows I'll see it and then react, which I do. The last altercation I felt scared and he later said he'd never lay a hand on me, but he looked like he wanted to.
He has text asking if I want to talk, and a couple of missed calls. But I'm not sure that's him exactly bending over backwards.
It is hard because he did usually keep in touch throughout the day like you say, sweet texts etc. But also lots of video calls and later abusiveness. So you can understand how my head is kinda screwed.
If I speak to him he'll probably apologise and dismiss my feelings I think.
Looking at all the advice I realise it's probably not a wise move to speak to him, I'm trying to control any urge I get to talk.

He says he only messages these women as he knows I'll see it and then react, which I do.

Which is fine for a TV drama, for your real life, not so much.

1. he has never trusted me and this crops up from time to time
2. I persevered in the hope we could overcome this.
3. He gets upset if I don't answer the phone quickly or miss his calls
4. He has taken to video calling me lots
5. sometimes he has asked who is with me in the house
6. if I move his stuff to tidy up he suggests I'm hiding it because I have another man round
7. He turns up late at night sometimes
8. on my leg and he said it was an STD
9. When we have arguments he calls me a slag and other things
10. goes on drinking binges and I don't hear from him on days when this happens
11. sent messages to exes and even joined a dating site
12. He said this was all simply to make me jealous
13. I blocked him after abusive texts
14. he has issues and I worry for myself
15. he always dismisses it says he will change but never has
16. like broken my phones
17. broke into my house when he was drunk
18. I have felt physically threatened at times
19. this messaging other women thing has been making me so upset too,
20. I have even left things out here so I guess it is abusive
21. I've spent so much time waiting for him to change
22. I know I'm better off alone.
23. It has been exhausting
24. but he never puts me first
25. it's me who is made to feel untrustworthy
26. and abusive texts a week ago
27. he does not seem to take anything on board properly as others do
28. He has called me a slag a lot of times now and I have always gone running back
29. I've had a lot of anxiety and depression lately
30. He says it is me who is controlling
31. and that the person who points the finger is the cheater
32. maybe I have some codependency issues myself.
33. I have needed support but haven't had it from him
34. And I haven't had any real apology for anything either
35. He also knows I had an abusive childhood and sometimes I think he almost uses that somehow.
36. I think there might be more to it than alcohol to be honest
37. I told him to stop doing this cos it hurts me but he still does it
38. I've found his dodgy online activity
39. said he'd never lay a hand on me, but he looked like he wanted to
40. But also lots of video calls and later abusiveness
41. he'll probably apologise and dismiss my feelings
42. recently he accused me again, so I left him to his own devices Feel like maybe i should give an explanation to him – Absolutely NOT OP! You don’t owe him anything. Least of all an explanation. He knows what he is. He knows what he has done. There is nothing at all to explain.
    Look at all those points OP. You typed all of that. If a friend of yours told you all those 42 things, what would your advice be??? Just think about that! He is horrendous. I really hope you can find a good therapist / counsellor. Womens Aid – Freedom Programme – don’t forget that one!!!!

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

He is abusive you don’t need him dump him it’s deflection he is the cheat

Why does he do that is, strictly speaking, written about physically abusive men but is actually a gem for all controlling, abusive behaviour.

Hellsbellsmelons Wow that is insane seeing it point by point like that. Guess I've been in it for too long. If my friend told me that I wouldn't hesitate to tell her "get rid".
I feel like I must be crazy to entertain it. He must think I'm crazy too. There it is in black white and neon.
His cousin is how we met, she's one of my best friends and usually says we're as bad as each other and I overeact. She is in an abusive relationship herself though.
I've started to read Lundy Bancrofts book and it's very informative so far. Basically says he knows what he is doing and he doesn't live me but it's more like expressiveness. Will check out the freedom project.
I have been listening to a woman called Lisa A Romano on YouTube she does good talks and meditations which have really helped, as well as all your advice.
Such great support here and no one judges, as I know I probably seem crazy from the outside looking in.
You have all been helping me keep strong.

Op, what hellsbellsmelons has done is great.
And just to let you have a bit of context from another point of view.
I once had a boyfriend who for no reason said he didn't trust me, so I broke up with him. I wouldn't put up with ONE single thing on that list, yet there you were 42, things later.
You have done the right thing!
You really really will feel better after a while. Honest.

Glad you ended the relationship, as PPs say the Freedom Programme could be good.

When you date again, don’t ignore red flags!

I don’t mean that as a criticism, I learned the hard way too. No MN back then

Much, much easier to avoid starting a relationship or ending it early on than recognising but deciding not to act on the flags and hoping he’ll change.

Oh man. I’d be gone. My partners get one chance. That’s it.

I need to do some work on myself and figure out why I allow such poor treatment.
Guess I ignored the red flags cos I chose to, I wanted to believe it would get better. It has, up and down, but he always reverts to type.
I'm just trying to keep myself busy and hopefully as the days go on it'll get better.
Think it's just tough as we've spent a while together, it's the longest relationship I've had. But I can't keep trying to control things or him, it doesn't work.
It upsets me but I wonder if he has cheated at some point. And that's the reason he's so paranoid, I've read projection is common. I've accused him too, but obviously I've seen evidence like the Facebook etc. I find it hard to believe he did it for attention, but if he did, that's terrible in itself. I'll get there eventually:(.

Love it @hellsbellsmelons 👏👍

OP please re-read hellbells list anytime you're tempted or feeling down. Don't listen to his cousin her perception is screwed.

Just one more thing , you should never have to use the word “scared “in a relationship “safe “but not scared . You sound lovely as previously mentioned none of us are professionals on here but as prob been mentioned and I think you said about counselling anyway I think would be the right way to go , take some time out for yourself we all need that no matter what our circumstances. You may find you don’t even miss him . Anyway remember nothing lasts forever . And if you don’t mind me saying so it’s really comforting to know there’s a site for things like this you all are pretty amazing . Apart from my confusion yesterday I got the hang of it now ( she says )! Good vibes and never forget your beautiful inside as well as out. X

In regards to the “paranoid” behaviour, it’s not actual paranoia. It is all carefully thought out manipulative behaviour. It’s about control and abuse. So it’s not that he is worried you might have cheated on you. It’s far more sinister than that. It’s about him wanting to make you feel highly stressed, confused, self conscious, and self doubting. He wants you to change your behaviour as a result of things he says and does. He gets a kick out of you moderating yourself. He gets a kick out of the control. He gets a kick out of putting you down. Every time he sees that he has made you feel bad, ashamed, upset, and belittled, it makes him feel good, powerful, and important. Yes, they really are that sick.
Once you understand the abusive mindset it completely blows apart their game plan and you see every move they have ever made for what it is. It’s a horrible revelation that the person that you thought cared about you and that you invested so much time in is actually your worst enemy but once you have that knowledge and perspective it Is so empowering and enables you to change your life and recognise who is good for you and who you must walk away from.

@spinneyhill

Spot on . Always the way . Not just men I love always noticed if any of my women Friends cheat they start accusing the innocent party. I’ve ne Er understood how people can cheat if they declare their love for someone makes me feel sick 🤢 thinking about it . But I know all circumstances are different .

Cheating makes me feel sick too, the thought of it. I never would. I hate that this has even been brought into the mix. It's like, corrupted anything that was there.
I guess, yes I'm finding it hard to get my head around the fact that it's all done on purpose. But it really must be. Like, he comes round late at night and if I am angry about this, he makes out as though there's someone with me, so I feel forced to let him come in, even though it's woken me up and I'm annoyed. He must realise this.
When he has called me names, I make excuses like it's the alcohol etc as it seems at odds with sober behaviour. It's an awful confusing thing.
I have got a provisional appt for counselling, but it's quite expensive but I'm going to try.
And yes, what an amazing community of people on here, so much support and advice.

@bluemelon85
Yup your absolutely right & please excuse the typos in prev messaging 😬. We can all say what we think is best to do but giving advice is the easy part . You obviously know that from people asking you. As I said it’s easy to say dump him but part of me thinks you still love him so although expensive I’d go throu with the counselling .Again easy to say . Me and my partner are soulmates But trust me I had 2 b4 him who sound like the loser your with now . I don’t think I knew real love until I was 38 I’m 44 now and he hates rowing which I so wasn’t used to ! Anyway I guess I’m trying to say it gets better and one day if you want that Is your meet someone a real man who doesn’t make you feel down or call you names like slag . Is he like this with other blokes or is he just the big man when it comes to woman ....chin up sweetie.