Relationship advice, boyfriend with trust issues? Please read.

[Bluelemon85]

Hello, I'm thinking of ending things with my partner of two years.
He is sometimes a lovely guy, or seems to be. He is kind, generous and usually fun to be with. However, he has never trusted me and this crops up from time to time, it has right from the beginning but I persevered in the hope we could overcome this.
He gets upset if I don't answer the phone quickly or miss his calls. He has taken to video calling me lots. He does work away so it's nice sometimes but I've a feeling he's checking up as sometimes he has asked who is with me in the house, when there has been no one. Also, if I move his stuff to tidy up he suggests I'm hiding it because I have another man round. He turns up late at night sometimes too and I think he is checking. I recently had a skin complaint on my leg and he said it was an STD...When we have arguments he calls me a slag and other things. Then goes back to his normal self but I have been keeping track of these things. There have been other issues as well but I wondered if this is enough.
I have never given him cause for concern. I am the least likely person to cheat. I'm quite private and not very social, I spend a lot of time alone. He however, sometimes goes on drinking binges and I don't hear from him on days when this happens. He gave me his Facebook password because I was concerned about a girl contacting him late at night. Since then he has added others, sent messages to exes and even joined a dating site. He said this was all simply to make me jealous, as he knew I would be looking. Whether that's the case or not, of course it did make me jealous and upset and I have acted a bit crazy on occasion due to this. I have decided I can't do this anymore as recently he accused me again, so I left him to his own devices. He hasn't made much contact and I blocked him after abusive texts.
I suppose I just feel a bit sad that we did share good times and I feel like it's been dirtied by all this negativity. I care about him but feel he has issues and I worry for myself.
What are your thoughts? I have tried to speak to him about my feelings throughout our relationship but he always dismisses it says he will change but never has.

It's really, really hard to break away and you're doing really well. Normally I would suggest blocking him (and I hope you have on social media) but it's sometimes a good idea to allow abusers to keep texting because it's evidence to give to the police. They sometimes tell you via text what their plans or intentions are. For example, 'I'm coming to your place now.' and it means you can alert the police should they let you know of their plans. You can't do that if they are blocked. The same if you divert their calls, you don't have to talk to them but can hear if they are threatening you and the police can hear it. The best thing to do is get advice on that from Women's Aid or another organisation. You could also phone the police for advice but they will typically tell you to dial 999 if he comes to your place.

Please consider doing the Freedom Programme so that you can learn more about abusive relationship and what constitues a healthy relationship. It means you can spot the red flags quicker and exit as soon as you see anything remotely abusive.

If my partner ever called me a slag, in an argument or not, that would be him gone! I couldn't live like this.

I can still see his blocked texts and calls which is good in that way I guess.
He has called me a slag a lot of times now and I have always gone running back. He seems to question my morality a lot for some reason.
I'm tired of trying to understand his issues. I have my own issues, I've had a lot of anxiety and depression lately and he's never offered any support which has made me think a lot. And of course he hasn't quit drinking. He's a man of 37 who prefers to spend his time with ne'er do wells who also drink.
I just wish I could get it all out of my head. But I'm working on it.
I will give the Lundy Bancroft book a try.
He says it is me who is controlling, and that the person who points the finger is the cheater( which I said to him) But it's actually him who has done that from day one. Such a headf××k.

He has blocked me on SM, and I won't be checking up on him again.

Good Don’t let him crawl back when he inevitably does turn up again.

He doesn't have 'trust' issues. He has 'control' issues. He is controlling and abusive.

They headfuck you by getting you in into a mindset of constantly trying to prove your innocence and loyalty - so that you aren't looking at THEIR dishonesty, disloyalty and general evilness. They try to make you out to be bad/crazy/over sensitive/controlling ect... it's pretty textbook. I think that Lundy bankroft book is a good suggestion.

Basically he's a horrible person. It's hard for a normal, empathetic human being like you or I to believe that someone we once cared for - is totally soulless and out to hurt you in order to make themself feel powerful. But he is. You can't understand him because you're a neurotypical, kind human being. And he, isn't.

You were right to walk away. Keep yourself safe, don't agree to meet him, ever. And don't hesitate to call the police if he threatens you or comes to your home.

What he's doing is manipuation. He's getting you to prove yourself to him and get validation from him. He'll keep moving the goalposts though so you'll never win and he'll never be satisfied.

Abusers don't want what you want. Abusers don't want a mutually loving relationship where each other's needs are met. They want to control and dominate you because there is something wrong with them.

Your anxiety and other problems are because of your relationship with him. He's an abuser and they mess with your mental health.

Red Flag one. A man who calls women names like 'slag', 'slut' or 'bitch' is a misogynist. They hate women and they have strange views on women's sexuality while no doubt, drowning in porn. Run far, run fast.

Red Flag two. A man with any addiction problem, whether that is alcohol, drugs, gambling etc Run far, run fast.

Red Flag three. A man who gets angry that you aren't returning calls, texting back quickly enough, has lots of video calls. He is trying to control you. Run far, run fast.

Red Flag four. A man who tries to make you jealous, accuses you of cheating, doesn't trust you. Run, run, run.

Thank you, I agree. I have been reading a lot about abusive characters and narcissists. I think that I have been fighting myself and trying to see the best in him and maybe I have some codependency issues myself.
Sometimes I confused the control with caring, like the video calls and things. Ive seen him cry and thought he sensitive like I am. For all he says he cares, actions speak louder than words and there have been many times I have needed support but haven't had it from him. I guess that's not love.
And I haven't had any real apology for anything either, when I come to think of it.
I'm not naturally a controlling person, I'm very independent myself. But his toxic actions have turned me into someone I don't like at times.

You sound lovely. You sound like you have a lot of self awareness and you sound like you're going to be ok. Please stay safe. It's very easy to get immersed in an abusive relationship. It's not your fault and you didn't deserve this. Look after yourself. Be kind to yourself, you've been through a tough time. Well done on getting yourself out.

Thank you. Some great advice here and it has validated my own feelings.
I have been going against my own heart for too long, I think.

I've had two exes who didn't trust me. One was because he was unfaithful so judged me by his actions and the other because he was very insecure and has lots of issues and it was a very toxic relationship. It changed the way I behave, who I saw and what I did just because I couldn't be bothered dealing with the aftermath. I'm single now and it is so nice not to be with someone who doesn't trust you. I've also been in relationships with men who trust me and it is so much better

Thanks for sharing your experience and I'm glad you have a peaceful life now. It is exhausting trying to pander to someone else and never seems to end the longer we stay.
Guess it's better to be single than in a toxic relationship.

Wow, he calls you a slag and he has joined a dating site?

The first of those two obvious reasons to dump somebody is the worst in my opinion because one is cheating but the first, is proof that he is a hatefully sexist misogynist.

He is definitely not a keeper. Block him on every medium possible.

@bluelemon85, it is better to be single, it's exhausting when somebody gives everything you do the most negatively interpretation possible. I ended it with somebody a few years ago because he carried on like that. We had a good 'vibe' going to begin with but after a while he was telling me why I did what I did or what I had meant by what I had said! He knew better than I did what motivated me and what my words meant. We had a few ridiculous arguments and then I copped on and just ended it. Of course he twisted that too!

He's abusive.

You know it, we give you permission to leave.

Both blokes who questioned my fidelity were caught cheating.

You're getting nothing out of this relationship

I actually feel better today. I don't want any more of it.
@NotaWagon He is also that way with me, constant deflection and he knows why I feel how I feel. He also knows I had an abusive childhood and sometimes I think he almost uses that somehow.
At least now I can enjoy my life without worrying about whether I seem like a slag or out of control.

Have you had any form of counselling to help with your abusive past OP? People who have been abused often have poor boundaries as they have never had theirs respected. They can sometimes be too frightened of asserting themselves or simply don't know how, as they've never learned. Adult Children often find themselves in abusive relationships because that's what they know and are drawn too.

It may be an idea to take a look at the NAPAC website: napac.org.uk/ and see if there's any support available near you. I really recommend taking an assertiveness course or reading up on assertiveness as boundaries are essential to healthy, functioning relationships. Also learning to trust yourself. You probably 'knew' this man was bad news but ignored those feelings because of your past. Adult Children often find it difficult to look after themselves.

I don't know if any of this is useful to you. Please take what's helpful and discard the rest.

No I've never had any counselling. Kind of never know where to start, my GP hasn't been too helpful in those areas. I will check out that website, Thanks. I do have issues with boundaries and am not in the least assertive. It has been damaging throughout life really.
Yes I did see the red flags at the outset, and chose to ignore them as I liked him so much and wanted to help him as I saw his problems as vulnerability, maybe. I guess that's messed up.
I feel a little sad today, but going keep pushing on. I haven't heard from him, I know that is a good thing though.

The vulnerable thing suggest you have Saviour syndrome. I had it to.
Were you in a position as a child where you felt you had to save a parent or sibling. In often stems from there. Eg addiction, depression, abuse.

he calls me a slag

No one who calls you a slag is fit to be your partner. Ditch him.

It's just tough because his behaviour is only bad when he's been drinking, when he's sober he is lovely and I guess I was really hoping he'd stay sober. But that hasn't happened. I have a hard time thinking that the real him is the sober one, and it's hard to believe that's probably not the case. But I think that's true.
Doing my best to keep strong though. I did give him many chances to sober up but it's not happened. And he's probably too set in his ways to change anyway.
Wish I wasn't so weak. But I'll get there.

Maybe you don't have to figure out which one is ''the real him''.

The behavior is there. It makes you feel shit. That's enough. YOu don't have to figure out which him is the real him. The behavior is real. Your feelings are real.

I think a way forward here OP would be two fold. See if there is a Freedom Programme near you or, if not, a support group for women who have been through abusive relationships. I think you need the group, rather than doing it online as you need the support right now. You can find a Freedom Programme here freedomprogramme.co.uk/search2.php or check to see what is available in your area regarding domestic abuse support via your local DV organisation which you can find here: www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Contact NAPAC to see what support is available near you or you can self refer for counselling here or ask your GP if there is support near you: www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/free-therapy-or-counselling/ If you can afford counselling then check the BACP website for a suitable therapist who specialises in childhood abuse and trauma: www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists

Please keep away from him OP. I know it's hard but he's going to destroy your mental health if you stay in the relationship. Reach out for support.

Thank you. I will make a few calls tomorrow regarding some therapy. I think it would benefit me. It's like, I know what is right in my heart but I keep being embroiled in self doubt. I felt ok today but today's been a bit tough. I suppose he's not the person I wanted him to be and he never can be. The red flags are too big to ignore, yet still I try. It seems pathetic to the sane side of my mind and probably to other people. But you've all been so lovely and kind. I really appreciate all of your advice and I will continue to stay strong.