Update 2 - Soliciters today

[Coronade]

Hi all
Thought it would be easier to start a new thread. So Soliciters was fine and only cost £18 for first 30 mins.
Property ok as joint tenants so 50:50 share and if he refuses she can apply for some order to force it.
The cars are fine as it’s who paid for them not whose on the reg doc and they were paid out of joint money from the sale of a previous house. If he wants to keep them he has to give me half the value.
As my youngest child is only a year away from 18 she said there is no point going for maintenance for me or her if he refuses to pay anything as it would cost too much going through the courts to be worth it.

Also said to write a will and freeze any joint accounts ( they have no money in them but he could get a loan on it and I would be liable).

I can’t make him leave the house though unless he is violent ( she said to call police if he does as quicker to get him out and keep him away). Otherwise if he wants to stay living here till house is sold he can 😩.

All depends now on how he reacts when I tell him. I really hope he is ok. I’m going to be civil for the sake of the kids and I’m hoping karma will payback my positive approach 🤞 if he is civil it should be straightforward I just want my 50% and for him to be out of my life.
Going to spend next week sorting out paper work and my friend is going to keep stuff safe for me. Going to change all my bank card pin codes too.
Think I’m still going to wait till he’s away with OW next weekend will tell DD sat night and DS Sunday morning (won’t help his hangover but I can’t keep putting it off). I will text DP Sunday morning while he’s still in bed with OW. I don’t think I could say the words out loud to him. I hate confrontation, I know I will just get angry and end up crying and I don’t want him to see me cry.
When I got home yesterday (was at school thing with DD) he was home with a big bag of his favourite chocolate in the fridge (a present from OW as she mentioned them in one of her messages). I was tempted to wipe the rest over the dogs bum hole but worried DS might eat one and don’t want to abuse my poor dog😂🤮

Go you!

My concern is that he will withold your cheque if you tell him. Do you have savings or a credit card that you can use for emergency's? If not don't tell him until you have the money because there's pretty much zero chance of a him being reasonable.

I'm really glad you saw the solicitor, stay resolute op

I'm glad you've seen a solicitor.

Stay strong. You're doing really really well under the circumstances.

Definitely stash all important documents with a friend or family member.

As others have suggested I’d call 101 and tell them of previous incident(s) and that you are afraid of how he might react.

There is also NCDV who you can speak to for advice:

www.ncdv.org.uk/are-you-suffering-domestic-abuse/how-the-law-can-protect-you/

Well done OP

OP you are doing amazingly. I read all your threads but didnt feel I had anything to add. But I just wanted to add some support.

Can’t believe he brought home the chocs from the OW. That’s a whole new level of arrogance and fuckwittery. You are doing so well OP and good on you. Keeping everything crossed for you.

I admire how well you’ve dealt with this. All the very best, I sincerely wish you a long happy life after all of this.

I really don't think he'll be civil. For a start, he'll be really pissed off you've found out. You will be taking away his stable base, and causing him hassle. He'll have to find somewhere to live (he can't move in with OW) which will be hassle, and cost him money. If you currently cook his meals, and do his washing, he'll have to do that himself, so that's more hassle.

This isn't a decision you've mutually decided on, you're pulling the rug out from under his feet, so he'll do everything he can to punish you.

You can hope for the best, but you need to prepare for the worst. Park the car somewhere else, and hide the keys. Also, plan for how to get DD to school, in case you find all the tyres mysteriously flat one morning.

Did the solicitor tell you how much it would cost to force the sale of the house? I'd heard it was expensive. Even if you get a buyer soon, he can drag his feet over the sale. The average sale takes about 12 weeks, from offer to completion, but could take months more. You're going to have to find somewhere to live once it's sold, but I'd get that ball rolling now, because once you've told him, if he refuses to move out before it's sold, you can't carry on living under the same roof, it will be hell.

Um, with the chocolates, I'd make sure he saw you have a chuckle. You might not have done anything to the chocolates - but he's gonna wonder. . .

You are doing brilliantly, good for you! Your kids will be fine, they are old enough to have a very good handle on who their Dad actually is

Wow OP I am impressed at how you have been able to hold it together!

It has put you firmly in the driving seat, but rest assured I feel sure he will take it very badly when confronted, so take all precautions to make sure you are getting what you want and need from him.

I’d also make sure your computer or device isn’t saving passwords for automatic access without signing in. Phones do this on email apps but you can guard against that by changing the passcode. (And ironically, just like a cheater, keeping phone in your pocket even when you go to the loo).

Also hide your passports and any valuables.

As I said before in your previous thread, you're a superstar!

You seem to have found your rhythm - you are much stronger than you thought!

Fingers crossed that you get an offer on the house.

Love this OP. Be careful though,he's already hurt you physically. Make sure you have some back up, maybe have company after you've text him incase he tries anything.

I would wait until you have an offer on the house. Have you thought about a place for yourself with the children ?

The more he is in the dark and you are organising your life the better until your ready to show him he can't take you for a ride.

I think it never does good to underestimate someone's response in a separation. Don't count on good karma to protect you. He's a liar and a cheat. He has abused you. What about that tells you he'll be a fuzzy kitten when it comes to 'his' money, because that is what it will come down to for him, 'his money'. Especially with an OW behind him whispering poison and stoking his sense of being 'ripped off' of 'his money'. Chances are that he is going to demand that you leave the house 'he paid for' because you are the one who wants to 'break up the family'.

Before you tell him you have to be absolutely sure you have valuable documents and sentimental items (baby books, irreplaceable photos, etc) OUT of the house. You need to be sure that ALL online accounts are locked down and (new) password protected. You need a 'go bag' for yourself and DCs just in case you need to leave in a hurry; a phone charger, a few days clothing, meds, and enough cash to get you all somewhere (friend's, family, etc) safe. You need a stash of cash hidden somewhere, preferably out of the house. There was a brilliant MNer whose ex was financially abusive and would have noticed sums of cash being withdrawn. So she did her 'stash of cash' in the form of gift cards from various retailers and grocery stores she normally used. She'd do the shop and add a gift card. All that went through the bank account was the total so her ex never knew she was storing up gift cards to use when he cut off the cash (which he did). You can also buy things with the idea of returning them later for cash or a store credit to be used for necessities. Keep your and DC's phones fully charged and don't let the phones out of your sight.

Good luck, OP.

Well done. X

Gosh, don't know how you're managing to keep this quiet. I second what someone upthread says - assume the worst regards his reaction!

I agree that you should wait for the house sale to be in process and for the solictor's letter to reach him - it'll be horrible keeping quiet but as PP's have said, you have no idea how he'll react and people can be unbelievable when divorcing - one friend told me that her ex turned into a completely different person, totally out for themselves and not giving two hoots about their DC's welfare.

Good luck, you're being amazing.

Re cash, another option if you go to the supermarket, is when you pay, ask for cashback. It will go through the account as part of the total, and you can usually get up to £50 at a time. Just make sure you don't leave the receipt lying around, as it will be on that.

Cash is better than gift cards, because you can use it anywhere.

I’m glad you’ve updated, as I’ve been thinking about you and couldn’t find post. Stay strong! X