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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If I tell GP I was raped will they report to social services?

109 replies

Paulettepink · 15/11/2019 13:13

Sorry to post again but feeling really lost. I think I should take the morning after pill to be on the safe side but terrified of social services being told what happened.

I just called my local SARC and made an appointment but cancelled when I was told they would inform social services if I came in for the appointment. I was going to try and get an emergency gp appointment this afternoon but now worried that the same thing will happen if I go there?

OP posts:
Tolleshunt · 17/11/2019 19:26

But pumpkin, while I see your point, the problem with that is that OP then gets MORE stress and trauma to deal with at an already traumatic time.

How will that improve how she parents her kids?

PumpkinP · 17/11/2019 19:29

Would you say the same for dv though? Cos the same could be said about victims of dv, “SS shouldn’t get involved because it’s already a traumatic time”, like I said damned if they do damned if they don’t.

Tolleshunt · 17/11/2019 19:30

Sorry, posted too soon.

Even if we leave aside the fact that we, as a society, should have compassion for OP and others in her situation. How is consideration for her needs factored in? The perpetrator is not their father and will have no ongoing relationship. Telling SS will achieve nothing of use, but will traumatise OP further, when she is already badly traumatised.

It would be far better for both OP and her kids if she were able to confide in a GP and a therapist safely, and in confidence, and get effective and meaningful support, without strings, to help her process what happened to her and eventually move forward. That won’t happen here, because of a one-size -fits-all system that takes a sledgehammer to crack nuts as well as buildings. I think that’s a shame.

Tolleshunt · 17/11/2019 19:31

That’s a bit different, though it would depend on the situation. If there is ongoing abuse then that is a whole different situation to one where there will be no further contact.

PumpkinP · 17/11/2019 19:32

The perpetrator is not their father and will have no ongoing relationship

SS don’t know that though, Op has already said he has been in contact again, he could show up at her house.

Tolleshunt · 17/11/2019 19:34

I would also say it would depend on what SS would actually do that would be if practcial use. If they actually offer meaningful, actual, help that achieves an tangibly better outcome, then their involvement would be great. If it just involves pressurising and threatening an already vulnerable woman, while delivering diddly squat of actual practical use - not so much.

Fakeflowersaremynewnormal · 17/11/2019 19:35

Disgusting you have to feel this way OP, you should be able to report him and he be shut away for many years like he deserves then you wouldn't have to worry about SS.

Tolleshunt · 17/11/2019 19:35

SS don’t know that though, Op has already said he has been in contact again, he could show up at her house.

What will they do to actually help, though? Mount a 24 hour armed guard?

Hepsibar · 17/11/2019 19:39

There are various MAP's, so it's not just for the day(s) after. I wonder if you could get an alarm thru to police or an app on your mobile to help you feel more secure. You have been so brave not letting your children hear anything going on when you must have been so distressed. I would suggest ringing a crisis line or talking to the police so you can get some expert objective input. You are an amazing and inspirational person to be dealing with all this. Many hugs. xx

LittleWing80 · 17/11/2019 19:39

What would SS do though?
Stopping him for coming back to her house? I should think the police or an injection order could do that.
Get OP a parenting course on how to not get raped or chose her friends better? That’s not victim blaming?
I am with @tolleshunt this is not deterring victims from obtaining support and potentially counseling to get through the horror and back to normal. One size doesn’t fit all.

LittleWing80 · 17/11/2019 19:40

This is* deterring

suesylvesterr · 17/11/2019 19:45

Social services did nothing for me but made me feel like shit and do "checks" and questioned my parenting. What good did that do me after I'd just been raped? I wasn't in a relationship with this man. He was a friend. I was put at fault for allowing a male into my home. Am I not allowed to have friends other than females?

That's now on my record that I was involved with social services. Because I was raped. Was anything flagged up for him? No, of course it wasn't. Especially as the CPS decided to not take it any further. I doubt it'll even be on his police record.

I didn't invite him over with the idea of sleeping with him. So no. I don't believe social services have the best intentions. I just thank fuck that my son slept through the whole ordeal.

If he had woken up and witnessed it, then yeah maybe. But he didn't. And I thank my lucky stars for that.

PumpkinP · 17/11/2019 19:51

Ss get involved if any sexual or violent crime happens when children are present. It is standard procedure and it should be. Yes I understand that it’s not pleasant and it’s offputting but what’s the alternative? Not get involved at all? Or only in certain cases(who decides which cases?) Ss are not a support service for parents, which I think some people get confused about, they are only there go safeguard children.

suesylvesterr · 17/11/2019 19:53

Well, maybe if social services changed their bullish approach in certain situations maybe us parents wouldn't be so frightened of them banging on our door in a time of need.

Sorry, but I have to unfollow this thread now. I can't sit here reading people arguing about it when they've never been through it themselves.

PumpkinP · 17/11/2019 20:03

I have been through social services involvement due to dv, and like I said I’m not their biggest fan at all. But I can understand why they get involved in certain situations I will repeat, damned if they do, damned if they don’t.

Tolleshunt · 17/11/2019 20:04

they are only there go safeguard children.

Which is why I don’t blame people in OP or sue’s situation for not reporting. Especially given the risible conviction rates for rape in this country.

Fakeflowersaremynewnormal · 17/11/2019 20:12

It's really awful and a dreadful system, everyone involved should be ashamed and embarrassed. Where is the support for this woman who has been through a horrible ordeal? Why is she too afraid to even report what happened to her or even get medical treatment? It's shocking.

Original poster
Paulettepink · 17/11/2019 20:12

I see what people are saying about ss needing to safeguard children, but I don't understand what I was supposed to do differently? Other than not have any male friends. It feels like I am to blame for this happening. He has been to my house countless times and nothing like this ever happened so I had no reason not to trust him.

OP posts:
FenellaVelour · 17/11/2019 20:18

See I’m a children’s social worker and I’d never expect a woman who was a victim of rape to somehow try to justify why she had allowed a friend into the house. It’s entirely different to an ongoing abusive relationship where the persons behaviour could be expected or predicted.

I’m sorry if there are social workers out there who would put someone under the microscope like this after being raped in this situation, but believe me I never would have, it’s unacceptable.

You are not to blame, OP. Do not let anyone make you feel as if you’ve done anything wrong.

Theredjellybean · 17/11/2019 20:29

I am a gp.. If women ask for map, I ask routine questions about when the unprotected sex was, whether they have contra indicators to map and advise on failure rates.
Unless they give me reason to think something inappropriate happened I don't routinely ask if it was consensual sex.

If they disclosed this, I'd offer sympathy, support in form of numbers, etc for local sarc, vouncelling and police.

I would not do adult safe guarding referral or child safe guarding unless the woman disclosed something that made me feel children were significantly at risk of harm.

Your mother inviting a friend into the house is not a sign she cannot keep you safe or your at risk as a child. If that friend rapes your mother, it also does not demonstrate your mother is not able to keep you safe.

OP.. Please go to your go... Get the map and if you feel you cannot tell them what happened that is OK.
You don't have to.
I'd advise you get some support from somewhere but if your fear of ss is stopping you getting medical attention, please understand a doctor is not duty bound to tell ss unless there is a real risk to the children or vulnerable adult.

Original poster
Paulettepink · 17/11/2019 20:34

FenellaVelour thank you. Its good to know that not all social workers have the same approach.

It has made me afraid to ask for help though, which is shame as I think I need it.

OP posts:
FenellaVelour · 17/11/2019 20:37

*I would not do adult safe guarding referral or child safe guarding unless the woman disclosed something that made me feel children were significantly at risk of harm.

Your mother inviting a friend into the house is not a sign she cannot keep you safe or your at risk as a child. If that friend rapes your mother, it also does not demonstrate your mother is not able to keep you safe*

Yes, this is how it should be.

I really hope you can get some good and sensible support from somewhere, OP.

Original poster
Paulettepink · 17/11/2019 20:42

It seems perhaps that people are able to interpret the guidelines as they see fit, meaning that referrals are being made when not required? And I assume probably not being made when they should be.

OP posts:
Original poster
Paulettepink · 17/11/2019 20:46

Theredjellybean that is reassuring. Thank you. I have left it too late to get the morning after pill but I think the risk of pregnancy is pretty much non existent.

When I went to my GP years ago for it I was made to feel very silly that I was in the situation of actually needing it. I got bit of a telling off.

OP posts:
LittleWing80 · 17/11/2019 20:49

@Paulette - are you still in time for the MAP? You can go to a walk-in centre too I think.
You don’t have to disclose details of your personal life. You could be in a long term relationship and have had a contraception accident. They wouldn’t probe into the circumstances unless you volunteer the context