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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need to finish relationship tonight- advice needed.

75 replies

fudgecakelova11122 · 15/11/2019 12:41

As title really. I need to finish with my partner of 3 1/2 years. We've not long moved in together and I've seen a side of him I really don't like - he is controlling, sulky and has millions of rules on how things should be. If I stay it will exhaust me and wear me down.
I've come to terms with the fact I'm going to finish things but I don't know where to start. Actual firm suggestions of how to break this in a gentler manner as possible?!? He won't see this coming at all.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 15/11/2019 12:42

Do you have somewhere to go to tonight, just in case?

I don't blame you for leaving. Didn't he show that side of him before you lived together?

Original poster
fudgecakelova11122 · 15/11/2019 12:45

Yes. I've arranged for my daughter to go to my mums and I can join her there.
No, I freely admit I missed some whopping red flags but his moodiness and particular ways are far far worse than I thought.

OP posts:
paap1975 · 15/11/2019 12:53

You are doing the right thing. If possible, just sit him down and tell him you have something you need to tell him. Let him know that things aren't how you expected and it's not working for you. Don't get involved in giving too many details. Stay calm and determined. Make it clear that you will not be chaging your mind. Good luck.

APerkyPumpkin · 15/11/2019 12:55

What is the house situation? His, yours, rented, bought?

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 15/11/2019 13:03

Because you said you missed red flags:
Make sure irreplaceable things (documents, memories, fotos etc.) are off the premises, too.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/11/2019 13:14

Make it very factual.
I do not want to live with you.
I want to end this relationship.
Lets sort out the practicalities.
If he asks why then the truth is the way to go.
You are not used to living with someone like him and you don't like it.
You don't like all his rules and you don't like him as person any more.
He can't argue with that.

Original poster
fudgecakelova11122 · 15/11/2019 13:29

Thank you everyone. It's his house, simple with regards to that at least.

OP posts:
youngandconfused99 · 15/11/2019 13:29

I would make sure you have everything at your mums if possible, then just be there to tell him you've packed and are leaving.

If your stuff isnt packed, It will be easy for him to try and turn this around and convince you to stay even just for the night.. then that leads to you changing your mind without even realising!

Aussiebean · 15/11/2019 13:52

Get as much out as possible before you end it. And anything left you are ok with loosing.

Do you think it would be best not to do it in person? You spoke about his behaviour, if you at all suspect he may kick of, then don’t be there. Or at the very least, have someone with you.

HerrenaHarridan · 15/11/2019 14:00

Practicalities.

Get anything you can’t risk losing out of house. Paperwork, momentos, valuables.

Then sit him down and say as above.

I have already packed. My decision is made.
I do not want to live with your moods and rules.

APerkyPumpkin · 15/11/2019 14:00

Pack it all up before you tell him and to be honest, do you really have to tell him face to face? Can you not get out and get everything out and call him tonight? You don't owe anyone anything, particularly with a child involved.

Pinkbonbon · 15/11/2019 14:01

Move anything necessary (pasports ect) to your mums. Then (if you can't just do it by phone) get a friend or relative over whilst you end it with him and to help you move all of your stuff out right then and there.

If you must end it in person - You want to avoid having to go back again after ending it.

Don't get drawn into a long convo or a blame game. Just 'this isn't working for me, sorry'. And repeat. 'It just isn't working', 'I don't want to work on it', 'I wish you well, but its over' until you leave. If he slags you off ect - use 'I'm sorry you feel that way' and 'well we will be better off apart then' ect, don't get drawn in to arguments.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 15/11/2019 14:03

Say everything at once, don’t leave gaps where he could assume it’s a debate.

I would personally start with
“I’ve decided to move out”....then explain that the relationship isn’t working for you

mummmy2017 · 15/11/2019 14:08

Do you have anyone who can go with you?
Pack it all and take to your mum's.
Tell him that the way he is and his rules are not something you want to live with, so your moving out tonight.

Ilovethekitties · 15/11/2019 14:09

Move all of the important bits first (before conversation) like passport, driving licences and bank card etc.

If he gets overly emotional with sadness or anger, leave so you're not emotionally blackmailed into leaving.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 15/11/2019 14:10

Leaving a controlling person can be a dangerous time. Can you not leave without his knowledge and end it via call or text?

NabooThatsWho · 15/11/2019 14:11

I would have everything moved to my mums, nothing left behind as once you are gone it could be dangerous to go back.

Then text him from your mums and say the relationship is over. Possibly block his number if you think he might give you grief?

Blahblahblahnanana · 15/11/2019 14:13

Move your things out whilst he is a work, leave him a letter and block him on all social media and on your phone.

VondaVomin · 15/11/2019 14:14

I'd also be really wary about telling a man like this news he does not want to hear when you are alone with him.

I know you may feel that is the right thing to do but far more so you keep yourself safe for your own sake and that of your DD. I'd also call him from your mum's house.

VondaVomin · 15/11/2019 14:15

Actually, cross post with Blahblah - I like the letter option better.

Original poster
fudgecakelova11122 · 15/11/2019 14:15

I really doubt he would be violent - he has never ever shown that before. He will be heartbroken I'm sure of it and I feel really guilty.

OP posts:
Original poster
fudgecakelova11122 · 15/11/2019 14:16

He's controlling with regards to how to do things round the house, how I clean/cook, where I shop and money.

Yep you're all right aren't you. I'm being foolhardy - I'll go with DD to mums and do it from there.

OP posts:
NabooThatsWho · 15/11/2019 14:22

Yeah of course he will be sad, no one to control and boss around anymore. If he cared in the first place he wouldn’t have treated you badly, so you shouldn’t feel any guilt whatsoever.
I doubt he will feel guilt over how he made you feel.

You’ll be able to breathe a sigh of relief once you get to your mums and block him.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/11/2019 14:23

He tells you how to clean and how to cook?
Fuck me - I wonder how you managed before you met him.
He's a dick OP.
Yes, go to your mums and do it from there.
As he is controlling, if you try to do it face to face he will 'hoover' you back in, in no time at all.
He play on your guilt.
So show no weakness.
Why on earth do you feel guilty?
He's done this to himself!

Original poster
fudgecakelova11122 · 15/11/2019 14:25

Cheers hells, I needed to hear that.

I feel sad and guilty as this wasn't the way it was supposed to be and I have to remind myself that this stuff DOES matter.

OP posts:
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