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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Need to finish relationship tonight- advice needed.

75 replies

fudgecakelova11122 · 15/11/2019 12:41

As title really. I need to finish with my partner of 3 1/2 years. We've not long moved in together and I've seen a side of him I really don't like - he is controlling, sulky and has millions of rules on how things should be. If I stay it will exhaust me and wear me down.
I've come to terms with the fact I'm going to finish things but I don't know where to start. Actual firm suggestions of how to break this in a gentler manner as possible?!? He won't see this coming at all.

OP posts:
feelinghelplesstoday · 15/11/2019 15:32

Sending hugs to you and your daughter. You're doing the right thing xxxx

fudgecakelova11122 · 15/11/2019 15:37

I've chucked lots into bags - important stuff. I'll come back with dad while he is at work next week.

Cheers guys

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 15/11/2019 15:40

Ah bless you OP.
You aren't just protecting yourself you are protecting your DD and showing her that you won't allow her to be nagged by anyone.
Tell her tonight, she can squeeze the toothpaste tube however she wants with a big smile on your face.
Well done OP.
Have a good cry.

Then get back to your mums and have wine (if you drink) or a lovely sugary cup of tea. Although this is your decision and you've absolutely done the right thing, your body will still be in shock and running on adrenalin, so sugar levels up and keep yourself hydrated!

1forAll74 · 15/11/2019 15:46

Glad to hear that you have made this decision to leave your partner because of his demanding ways. But I would have had to speak to him face to face re leaving, and not done a secret move out. I would consider it a bit cruel to send a message or text for all this,saying that you have been together for over three years.

bullyingadvice2017 · 15/11/2019 15:49

Well done op. Your doing the right thing, for both you and dd.

Enjoy life and be proud and glad you got out quickly.

My friend was a single mum to her 2 girls for years. They managed fine, had a generally happy house with no drama.
She met someone and he moved himself in and honestly what you said about your dd and the toothpaste is so true. I am watching the joy being sucked out of my friends previously lovely home. Honestly don't know how he thinks she managed for years on her own as he now sees fit to tell her what and how to do everything now. Her kids hate him and now can see them resenting mum for allowing this to happen.

He arrived home one day when he didn't know I was there and started having a paddy as my trainers were on the floor next to the door and not in the cupboard. He thought they were one of the kids and had shouted them straight downstairs and lecturing them about who is living like a slob.

Meanwhile my friend is frantically wiping the hot oven top whilst still using it as he will say it's dirty. It wasn't.
This man has known them for less than a year.
Ffs what a dick.

ConfCall · 15/11/2019 15:59

You’re doing the right thing in putting your daughter’s welfare, as well as yours, first. She’ll remember that!

Sally2791 · 15/11/2019 16:02

I would get your stuff out before you end it

MarianaMoatedGrange · 15/11/2019 16:06

@1forAll74 Posters advised OP to leave before ending things as leaving a controlling partner can be dangerous. Telling him when alone, in his home, was not the safe thing to do. His feelings may be temporarily hurt, but that's a whole heap better than OP being physically hurt or worse.

fudgecakelova11122 · 15/11/2019 16:43

Cheers @1forAll74. Needed that kick in the guts.

OP posts:
CherryBathBomb · 15/11/2019 16:52

@1forAll74 clearly has no idea how these sorts of controlling men work. Good on you OP!

NotaWagon · 15/11/2019 16:58

Keep it to how you feel as that is harder to argue with.
Dont give examples of why you feel how you feel. It is open to be twisted back to your faults.

If he twists it back to your faults dont defend yourself. Maybe say "it isnt working for you either so".

Good luck. I did it all wrong. Tried to make him understand. Ha!

NotaWagon · 15/11/2019 17:00

I agree with @Hellbellsmelons

Get your documents out the house.

NotaWagon · 15/11/2019 17:02

Glad to read yr update. 🍷

Packit · 15/11/2019 17:24

I did this a few years ago. It’s scarey, but I got as much out of the house as I could first, important stuff to me, and left him a heartfelt note as I didn’t think he would take my leaving well.

He texted me saying he loved me, but I thought he had a funny way of showing it. We met in a pub a few weeks later as he wanted to know why I left. I told him the truth, and everything was fine and amicable after that. I went back to collect the rest of my things which he packed up ready for me !

We only meet at important family events now.

You and your daughter will be fine too xx

Lovemenorca · 15/11/2019 17:54

It's seeing her being nagged for leaving lights in and not squeezing the toothpaste correctly that has done it tbh.

In the last 15 minutes I’ve done both to my son!

managedmis · 15/11/2019 17:58

He will be heartbroken I'm sure of it and I feel really guilty.

^

Don't. Let's face it, he wouldn't feel guilty!

user1497997754 · 15/11/2019 18:19

I married someone like this biggest mistake of my life your doing the right thing for sure x

lookatthebabypenguin · 15/11/2019 18:29

There's always one idiot who'll pop up to make excuses for an abusive man. Sorry it happened with such terrible timing.

You're doing the right thing. If he wasn't abusive (and control of the level you describe is abuse, not "being demanding" ) you wouldn't need to do this. He took your choices away. He is the only one who should feel guilty.

Be kind to yourself.

NotaWagon · 15/11/2019 18:34

@Packit you were so lucky to have had that experience.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 15/11/2019 19:03

Really hope you're ok op. I think you'll feel a massive sense of relief tomorrow and you can put this all behind you?

ffswhatnext · 15/11/2019 22:23

Well done @fudgecakelova11122 sounds like you have your head screwed on.

Anyone reading and going through the same thing. Ignore the advice from @1forAll74 The advice is dangerous. Never confront a controlling or abusive person in person. You have to protect yourself mentally and physically. Their behaviour is entirely on them. If they feel sad why should you care? Did that person feel sad, guilt or remorse when they did those things? No.

Ideally ending something by phone/text isn't the done thing. But getting away from abuse the only rules are protect yourself.

Abuse - Control, Manipulation, Physical, Emotional, Financial, Grooming, Neglect
No-one should be putting up with this.

It's hard. But there is help out there. Even if the first step involves asking a bunch of strangers on the net. Go for it.

There will be times you question whether you made the right choice.
When you want to contact him
Want to go back to him.

Forget the good times. Remember those bad times. Remember how he made you feel. Remember what he did. This is for all going through the same. I know we shouldn't hold onto the past, but like I said when there's abuse, you have to ignore the usual 'rules'.

I got out of mine several years ago.
Best thing ever. The release of the weight was huge. It didn't start at the beginning, we'd been together for around 10 years before he changed. Or maybe that's when my eyes opened. I'm really not sure.
I never really guilt about ending it. I felt guilt that I had let my dc's be in that situation for so long. And that's what got me through the moments of going back.

It's completely normal to have those thoughts. Because remember, every time they did something to you, they told you it was your fault. It wasn't. You are not responsible for their actions. It's all on them.

I also suggest the freedom program for anyone who is living with or has lived with abuse.

OxiBrilloRange · 15/11/2019 22:41

Hope you're ok xxx

BitOfANameChange · 16/11/2019 02:14

I never really guilt about ending it. I felt guilt that I had let my dc's be in that situation for so long. And that's what got me through the moments of going back.

It's completely normal to have those thoughts. Because remember, every time they did something to you, they told you it was your fault. It wasn't. You are not responsible for their actions. It's all on them.

Yes, I agree. I was with him for 30 years, such a lot of guilt for staying so long. I, too, left when he wasn't home and he knew nothing. My anxiety was sky high. Now, nearly 3 years later, a different story, althogh he messages me now and again, trying to reel me back in. But I found a core of steel when I left, that I didn't know I had. I'm never making those mistakes again.

I hope you're ok, OP, and your DD too.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 17/11/2019 13:49

Glad you got out. You're doing exactly the right thing.

SurfingGiantess · 17/11/2019 17:00

I hope you're out and safe. X

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