DP making me feel creeped out

[Phoebesfleas]

DP and I have been together for nearly 5 years, I won’t go into too much detail about our lives because they would be quite outing. We don’t live together, he’s emotionally unavailable and never wants to settle or marry and I have a huge responsibility which makes committing to a serious relationship very difficult.
DP had a bad accident in his teens, he missed out on a lot of late teen life due to his recovery and loss of confidence. He feels he has missed out on meeting girls/sex/a teen relationship. This has affected him quite a lot and he is sometimes bitter, usually after too much to drink.
He often makes sexual ‘jokes’ about teen girls, virgins, young breasts, tight vaginas that haven’t been ruined by having babies etc, these ‘jokes’ have always made me feel uncomfortable, he will choose to watch films with teenage girls in and I’ve seen him gawp at very young women. I understand that young women are attractive to men, I don’t have any jealousy issues but something about these jokes make me feel deeply uncomfortable and a squirmy feeling in my belly. I’ve asked him to stop making ‘jokes’ as it makes me uncomfortable, he says I’m jealous of these young women because I’m not young anymore. I do not have any issues with getting older, overall I’m happy with myself. I know he has had issues with porn in the past, I don’t think he does now. His attitude is almost incel like, women over a certain age hold no value and are ‘ruined’ if they have had children. I know that he has tried to get close to an older teen neighbour of his in the past. He has also made ‘jokes’ about my young adult DD, he said that all men think like him but know it’s a taboo subject.
He said something last night that made me cringe and I want to know if it’s me being a prude.
For the record I’ve dated a lot in the past and have never come across a man in his late 30’s having this attitude.
I want to end the relationship over this but don’t know if it’s my problem or his.
Please tell me your opinions.

And the breast thing... I was actually my husbands first girlfriend. I’d already had a child by that point. The only things he expressed when seeing my naked body were desire and excitement. Certainly not wishing that I looked like a child...

Oh my gosh, there are so many red flags OP. You are not imagining it, nor being a prude. Please leave him and make sure he has no access to your DD. He sounds much worse than a creep, he sounds dangerous.

And just to make a point I didn't have a proper boyfriend until I was 19 but I don't go round letching over little boys... it's absurd.

Please leave. This man doesn't like women.

Any partner who made suggestive comments about a daughter of mine would be out of my life.

This. He's a creep.

You HAVE had a sniff of something involving your DD. Come on!

He is disgusting, tell him it is over then block him on everything.

How have you managed to sleep with him...yuk!

13yr olds are CHILDREN, not young women, CHILDREN who are barely into their teens.
Men looking at porn - normal. Men looking for “forced anal sex” and openly talking about finding very young girls attractive - absolutely sickening.
I did think earlier posts about reporting him to the police were maybe a little over the top, until I read your comments about 13yr olds and his disgusting internet searches. Report him. Just to ensure he is on the police’s radar, just in case.
I honestly can’t believe you’ve had to ask if this is normal or not.

Yeah hes a dirty cunt who would be near me or my DD.

But you have nothing to be ashamed of OP, I understand why you're feeling like this but you've already admitted to low self esteem this will do you no favours judging yourself by others actions. Leave him and I agree to warn the house that he can see in to.

NOT be near me*

OP I recently saw this image showing examples of what people say when they're trying to make you doubt your own judgment - ie gaslighting / coercive control. This man has made you doubt your own judgment, I'm so glad you came here to realise that your feelings on the issue are spot on.

Remind us why you are with him again, OP?

I’ve asked him to stop making ‘jokes’ as it makes me uncomfortable, he says I’m jealous of these young women because I’m not young anymore.

This is the CLASSIC controlling abuser's ploy.
They do something 'off'. You respond, as a normal person. They make your response, & you, thing thing that is 'off', to normalise their behaviour.

If he is making comments about 13 year olds then he is a paedophile and if you can you should hand over his computer to the authorities.

Uggghh. Lord OP, he sounds absolutely vile, and a danger to women. Please take safety precautions after dumping him, I am worried he could become a stalker and/dangerous.
This is nothing to do with his accident . This is creepy, misogynistic , entitled behaviour. He sees girls and women as objects. Revolting man.

I want to end the relationship over this but don’t know if it’s my problem or his.

His.

End it now, before it's yours.

Counselling was arranged for him a couple of years ago through a hospital consultant, he started opening up during the appointment and the consultant felt he could use some help so pulled strings and he accessed it quickly. I took him to his first appointment because he was nervous, he was in there for well over an hour and when he came out he was raging and refused to go back, he also refused to talk about the session.
Yes he has a key to my home, I can easily have my locks changed if he doesn’t return it.
He doesn’t have much of an online presence and as far as I’m aware has no interest in chatting to others online.
I think if the opportunity arose for him to have sex with a girl he would jump at the chance, I feel pig sick typing that.
I have sometimes thought he has a Madonna/whore complex, he sees women as either ‘good girls’ or in his words slags.

I would also think of reporting him to the police for his interest in teenage girls - they might want to look at his computer.

What a horrible twisted little pervert.

OP if he has made comments which indicate he may be a voyeur and may have been watching underage girls, yes you can report him to the police and I really, really suggest you do. And definitely tell the parents opposite him.

He's a bloody sexual assault on a minor waiting to happen. All it would take would be for his 'befriending' the next teenage girl he interacts with to progress a bit.

How you can bear to have this slimeball in your personal space is utterly beyond me.

At the tiniest sniff of anything involving my DD he would have been out on his arse like you wouldn’t believe. This kind of statement REALLY annoys me. It's up there with women who take back cheats then make themselves feel better by declaiming how if it EVER happens again, he'll be out so fast his HEAD will SPIN! etc. etc.

Fact is there was far more than the 'tiniest sniff' of involving your DD - he 'joked' about her in front of you so you know full well he had been imagining and thinking all sorts about her. And presumably you slept with him after that and knowing that, so no, that would have been the time to react appropriately. The very thought of having sex with a man who'd perved over my child - it would be physically impossible. All I can say is that being with a creep like this has really, REALLY fucked with your boundaries.

Hmm, I wonder if the counsellor challenged him on his attitudes ? What was his accident ?

QueSera spot on, he’s said all of those to me over the last 5 years and often said it must be me because I’ve had MH issues in the past.

Run for the hills....he is definitely a weirdo!! You need to protect your daughter!

It's his problem, not all men are like this. Most men are not like this.

My DH would be disturbed and grossed out by another man his age talking about very young women like that.

The fact that he can't accept you, an adult, feel protective toward young women as opposed to jealous of their bodies and sexuality is weird.

Also, CHANGE YOUR LOCKS.

I do have very low self esteem although I seem outwardly very confident, I’ve had therapy last year and have text my therapist this morning, I’m waiting for him to call me back because I need more, I know that.

Oh, @Phoebesfleas, you make sure you continue that journey with your therapist.

When The Creep is out of your life, you will have more space to make more meaningful & healthy connections. That doesn't have to be romantic, but anything to reduce the loneliness - hobbies, volunteering, pub quiz night, whatever.

As to your resolve to drop The Creep's stuff off & warn his neighbour about the bedroom windows - well done!

It's not you, it's him.
You are doing really well, remember to be proud of yourself.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Throw him in the bin.

Even if he gets therapy you shouldn't bother with him, he's been to disrespectful with his comments about you, too creepy with his comments about your DD, and you said he even displayed paedo tendencies. Ugh!

Hugs to you OP, put up with this no more xxx