How to approach this with dp

[Flamingnora22]

Bit of background, just gone on maternity leave, baby due in a few weeks, dp has 2 children from previous and one child’s birthday is just after Xmas. Also moved house 2 months ago.

My partner is having a right ole flap about affording Xmas, we owe some money out already £200) and he has written a short but expensive list of presents he wants us to get for his dc. I will just add I want to get the new baby a couple of bits as I’d feel really mean although I know the baby won’t know it’s Xmas - nothing major maybe spend £15 and a first Xmas bauble.

My partner is asking me to take out store cards/loans/apply for credit cards to see us through the Xmas period (he has bad credit) and I really do not want to. Initially I thought it was a good idea but then it dawned on me that it would be me paying this back out of my already reduced income and I don’t really see it’s fair. It’s like his thought process stops at actually obtaining the gifts and paying back is someone else’s problem as it’s not in his name, he hasn’t said this but this is how it comes across. I have been in a bad place debt wise and this year I have knuckled down and paid the majority off and I probably owe about £300-£350 on catalogues (down from about £1700 and credit card debt and other things) and I really don’t want to rack up more debt for the sake of Xmas.

I understand that my dp wants to give the kids an amazing Xmas (as do I) but I just really don’t see it’s feasible with our incomes and circumstances at the minute in time. He works full time and is paying his own debts which doesn’t leave us with a massive amount left over, on top of owing the £200 and then to buy Xmas presents.

I tried approaching it by saying why don’t we give dc1 (7) £x amount For Xmas and then on his birthday £x amount so he can put it towards or buy one of the most expensive items on the list and then it just spreads it a bit for us and takes the pressure off and I was met with a resounding no.

I feel like just saying well you sort it out then and don’t buy anything until the last minute but don’t come crying to me when you’ve got fuck all for them coz you’ve been stalling hoping a bloody lotto win will come in. I wouldn’t actually say it but this is how the tension is at the minute and last thing we need as a couple is to start falling out.

I’ve put A few times in my basket on groupon for dc2 (2) which should be enough for him and I’ve offered to buy some footy boots and a activity table for the kids off my catalogue (£80) and I think that’s me being sensible and reasonable.

Anyone have any ideas on how I can approach this? I’ve been thinking Poundland for Lego bits but I know for a fact my dp won’t approve because it’s not the Lego brand. I just feel like I can’t win.

I have suggested less expensive alternatives to the expensive items I.e tablets from second hand shops but dp is hell bent on providing the best of the best and has even considered taking a contract out which I just think is so excessive! For something that will most likely never be charged or end up being lost!

Well done for paying down your debt. Don't get into debt for someone else, it will just go on and on and there are no consequences for him.
He will need to deal with it - just don't get involved, it's not your responsibility.

Consider how getting into debt will negatively affect how you can provide for your own child.

Agreed dont get into debt for this. Why is he getting so worked up about it?

Totally agree with you OP. Sounds like you've worked hard to pay down your debt. The last thing you need now is to start increasing it again. Your DP's feckless attitude is no doubt exactly why he has bad credit! I think the suggestions you've made are perfectly reasonable (although actually I don't think you should be increasing your catalogue debt). Let your DP sort it out on his own if he's not willing to listen to you. He sounds like an idiot.

So how much debt will Christmas rack up? When are their birthdays? Wil lyoi need to reduce payments or take it more to afford that? Will it be cleared by next Xmas or with a growing child too will it just get built up in again?

Don't get into debt for Xmas, don't be those parents who care more about those few minutes of pleasure over providing stability for all three kids

It sounds like your DP has a really low understanding of finances, with that in mind I'm not sure how you could approach this with him.

It will depend on your circumstances but if you need to rent somewhere in future or if you need to buy a property, these things will be affected by how you conduct your finances today. If you need money for an emergency for your baby (car breaks down, need further time off work etc) all of these things are put in jeopardy with reckless borrowing.
I'd suggest maybe asking him how you would deal with an emergency if you've already borrowed quite a bit and lenders don't think it's affordable to lend you more?

The main thing though is that you do not give in to his demands, absolutely not. If he wants to borrow, let him borrow. Doing it for him is not in anyone's interest.

Do not get into debt sorting gifts for his kids or any other Christmas expenses. He and his ex need to come together and sort their kids gifts. If they cannot afford it between them then the kids need to be steered towards asking for affordable gifts. Don't give in on this. Continue to sort your own debt and try to put some money aside for a rainy day as you may well need it down the line when he's up to his eyes in debt and you need to get away from him.

I would phrase it exactly as you have done on here. Don't sugarcoat it, you've offered reasonable alternatives and also to still put a smaller amount on credit but he's refused. Therefore I'd leave it up to him to sort out.

I think it would be helpful to find out from him why he had this need to buy too much for his kids? That would help sort it out.

Does he really think it is a good idea to go into debt for Christmas? Does he not understand that you tailor Christmas to what you can afford, not what you might want?

I hope you can get your different ways of dealing with money sorted soon because IMO he sounds a scary man to live with. Well done to you for sorting yourself out. Do not let him fuck it up for you.

Do you both set budgets for each child so these expensive gift lists don't appear from nowhere? there's been lots of toy sales on lately so it's worth looking about but in all honesty you've got a new baby due in a few weeks and that should be the best gift of all! a 7 year old really shouldn't be disappointed that he didn't get this or that....it's about the quality family time! my hubby has joined a christmas work sceme that a small percent of his wage each month has gone into all year so in November's pay he will get it all back to help with the cost....maybe your partner could look into that for next year? definitely don't put yourself in anymore debt,you have done well to clear it and dont want/need debt looming over you for new year! also we get our kids to circle what they want out of catalogues for "father christmas" to bring and they circle almost everything but we stick to budget and just get a good selection and they never notice on Christmas

Please don't get into debt for your partner, especially in your vulnerable position of maternity leave. He is just outrageous to expect you to put yourself in financial distress so he can put on a 'show' for the kids that does not reflect reality. You need to set up clear boundaries with him, as he is clearly not caring too much about yours.

You would be enabling him to continue making poor financial decisions if you get credit cards etc, and you are giving children false onward expectations about what they can/ should get for Xmas over the years. It will be a never ending money pit, and you will be footing the bill. Try to get rid of all your debts like you have been doing, and then flatly refuse to get into more debt for anyone else. You are securing your children's future in doing so, because once that debt has gone then you can build capital through savings. Christmas is an over-hyped commercial emotional blackmail process these days...retailers try hard to sell you everything and anything in the quest for a 'perfect' Christmas. Despite my financial stability, my kids will be getting a stocking of bits and one small present from me and their Dad. We feel it manages their expectations - celebrating Christmas, but not going overboard and missing the seasonal message. Cuts down the amount of unwanted presents going to the charity shop or landfill too, so thinking less is more from an environmental perspective too.

Wow your husband is being massively unreasonable. He & the kids’ mother should be financing their Xmas NOT you, he has bad credit & no concept of finances. That is the real problem here & don’t sugar coat it & coddle Jim. He is using you babe & needs a wake up call that the money doesn’t grow on trees. He needs to learn to live within his means & can no longer afford “the best of the best” - what does that even mean, with the vast amount of waste in today’s society charity shops & 2nd hand pre loved items can be great quality, barely used & brand names. Tell him to go on FB marketplace & if he finds some decent bargains you guys can get the girls presents that way, if he wants brand names they will be 2nd hand.

Him * not suggesting your man’s name is JIM lol

I agree it's stupid to get into debt for Christmas. The reality is they will get some good gifts, but will end up with a dad and step mum who are in financial difficulty, being more stressed, having more arguments, and having to go without for the next few months, or work harder / go back to work earlier. I can't see how anyone would argue that those effects are worth it

Just tell him you are not going into debt for his children. If he wants to then he can but you won't. His kids, his problem.

Do not get in debt for this man. As you are unmarried and on maternity leave you are already in a precarious situation. If I was you I would be putting any spare cash I had in a secret bank account for my new baby and certainly not spending it on his children.

@Teaandcrisps

I think he feels in competition with his children’s mum to provide the best gift possible and the gift that his child will like the most. They aren’t exactly on great terms and it’s always been a competition of how much is spent.

@HundredMilesAnHour I’ve just had a little argument with him, he said it will cost a couple of hundred per child but I know for a fact what he has suggested exceeds that and then said get one child’s gifts from the catalogue but I’ve decided to revoke that offer. Don’t see why I should get pushed into a corner byway of Xmas guilt. And yes you’re right, he has bad credit due to his poor financial management skills.

@SleepingStandingUp I’d say Xmas per child would be maybe £200 for the younger and I’d say at least £350 for the older but it’s the older ones birthday the month after so he wants to spend another £100-150 at least. I feel right saying it but it’s not like they go without throughout the year they are always getting new shoes/trainers and clothes and toys and games - albeit not always brand new but they do get stuff so it’s not like they ever go without but it’s a struggle to provide that on a Bi monthly basis at times.

@lyingwanker I am tempted to just leave it but I know for a solid fact he will come crying to me a few weeks before Xmas panicking coz he hasn’t bought anything then it will be lending money off every Tom dick and Harry and we all have to suffer for the sake of a phone that is going to be uncharged 90% of the time and because he isn’t organised enough to start now. I usually have Xmas in the bag by this time but with moving house and a new baby on the way it’s just one thing I haven’t gotten round to doing.

@chamomileteaplease

I have just said this to him now about Xmas being about what is affordable but had no response. Our home life stability trumps Xmas I’m afraid and I’m happy to go out and buy what I see is reasonably priced as a cheaper alternative.

Does it count as being a CF to have bad credit rating & ask your unmarried pregnant partner to go into debt for top of the line Xmas presents for kids that are not biologically hers ?

This guy doesn't sound very sensible or stable. Sorry.

Maybe the stupid competition about spoiling kids with presents & keeping up with your ex has gotten him into bad credit rating ? What a silly attitude. Kids remember the parents that love them & emotionally are there for them. Not all the toys & treats. Experiences are key. He could be poor & give his kids a wonderful Xmas. I hope his materialistic attitude does not affect your baby.

You guys should be saving for baby’s arrival, not wasting money on expensive presents. Like I said great presents don’t need to be expensive. I will always remember my first bicycle & plenty on gumtree.

Thank you all for your replies and it’s nice to know it’s me being a Scrooge and actually thinking about it logically and realistically. Not to mention the two family holidays abroad he’s suggested for next year but that’s a whole new thread!! I think he really does think money grows on trees and a drop of over time here or there will resolve the issue!

That's just ridiculous. Let him get store cards / credit whatever but in HIS name and get involved n the repayments. The kids are old enough to get it.

£200 plus per child?!!! That’s ridiculous...we have a joint income of over 90 thousand per annum and have only ever spent £150 max per child at Christmas. Our children have always been grateful and very happy with their gifts . No wonder you have so much debt ...you need to get someone to explain basic finances to your partner .

Stop. You’re not being a “Scrooge”. You’re being a sensible, responsible adult all you need to do is say “no” & mean no when you don’t want to buy something. It sounds like he has no money & doesn’t have access to yours. Ensure it stays that way, he has bad credit & impulsive. He will drain your finances & put you in more debt.

I think 200 & 350 is incredibly generous. What about food costs for Xmas holiday meals ? Or do you eat out for Xmas ?

Just say no when he asks. If he keeps pushing you it shows a real lack of respect & I am already seeing red flags that he isn’t a wonderful guy but I think you know that already.

Ok it’s not just me that reeled at reading 500+ for kids’ presents. I could go on a shopping spree & not spend anywhere near that! But I mainly wear 2nd hand & vintage, with just some staples like top shop Joni jeans etc which are great quality for the price.

It sounds like these people are living well outside their means & need a financial advisor !