Need a handhold - angry, critical, verbally abusive husband

[Magicmonster]

Hi all - I am sat here in tears - i have so many emotions going through my head and I would appreciate a virtual hand hold. My husband is incredibly critical (I get blamed for anything which goes wrong which he can conceivably blame on me), he speaks to me in a rude manner and if I try to defend or explain myself I’m told to shut up or similar. He wasn’t always this bad - has slowly deteriorated over time. We have two young kids. I know deep down the writing is on the wall for this relationship, but I can’t yet bring myself to leave, mainly out of fear of the impact it may have on the kids (I know, I know, them seeing him talk to me badly may have just as much impact on them) and the general upheaval on our lives but also out of fear of only seeming them 50 percent of the time (we share childcare at the moment and he’d def want joint custody). Obviously he’s not rude 100 percent of the time either which makes it harder to make the break.

He’s just come home from visiting his mum In hospital and had a go at me as he walked in the door for no good reason. I said he really needed to start speaking to me with kindness and respect and he said he’s got to get away from me right now and stormed off out (to the pub no doubt). Leaving the dinner I’ve just spent the past hour cooking on the table.

I don’t know what I want from anyone on this thread. Too embarrassed to mention this to anyone in real life right now - also to be honest because then it would become More real and I may have to stop sticking my head in the sand and do something about it!

Just so exasperated with trying to fix something which is beyond my control.

Why do you stay OP? He is emotionally abusing you and your children will grow up thinking this behaviour is normal when it certainly isn't.

Big hugs OP.

Thanks.

I stay out of fear I guess:

• fear that I will be condemning the children to a lifetime of shuffling between two houses, when it’s possible things could get better? (Albeit looking less and less likely, granted)

-fear that he will be even harder to co-parent with when divorced as he’s unlikely to suddenly become more reasonable after a split

• fear that I will have to spend 50 percent of my life waking up without my babies in the house (this is the main one right now).

Along with a huge dollop of disbelief that it has come to this.

Sometimes it's good just to say it out loud.

Even if it's to strangers on the internet.

Well done for facing up to this. My advice is asking, what do you want to do? What do you want?

My ex narcissistic husband was verbally, emotionally and financially abusive.

I stayed for 18 years because of the children and I am now a complete shell of my former self.
He has wrecked my MH and I have M.E/C.F.S and alopecia all because of the stressful way of living with constant criticism and never doing anything right in his eyes.
You will lose your confidence and will be whittled away by his constant picking on you. Your children will be watching their mother being destroyed in front of their eyes and they will also learn that this is how people are treated in relationships.

My children defended me time and time again and I have apologised to them for not getting them out sooner.

Take courage, get support, think about an exit plan.

If you have asked him to stop and he hasn’t , he is showing very little respect and consideration for your feelings.

Look at the Freedom programme online.
Read the book -Lundy Bancroft- Why does he do that?

Good luck.

What do you think his reaction would be when you say the relationship is over?
Anger, sadness, relief?

lexiepuppy - that sounds awful. Thanks for sharing your experience.

I have read the Lundy Bancroft book and some bits really resonate.

I think if I were to suggest the relationship is over when he is in one of his angry moods he would probably agree that’s for the best. When he calmed down I suspect he would accuse me of overreacting and ultimately If I followed through would just blame me for breaking up the family when all he was asking was for me to do reasonable things like clean up after myself. (Which I do - the standards he expects are unattainable by me).

His friends and family often ask me why I put up with the way he speaks to me though, so I know they would know where I’m coming from and why I’ve had enough.

And in response to the other poster asking what I want? This sounds so awful but what I sometimes fantasies about is him getting run over on the way home! Obviously, a large part of me knows it would not be in the children’s best interests so I don’t want that really, but it would get me out of this situation without having to go through a messy divorce and only seeing my kids half the time.

It took me years to leave my abusive ex husband - I knew it was going to be hell when I did and it was. There will come a day when you've simply had enough. I often ask my children if they want dad to come home and they always say no, which is so sad. His behaviour started filtering down to the children and they absolutely despise him, which he is completely oblivious to and continues to tell anyone that will listen what a great dad he is even though he only sees them once a month ish!

Seeing abuse is abuse. Your children are being abused.

Please contact women's aid and other local organisations for assistance. You might not have to give 50% custody. A life not walking on eggshells is incredible and you deserve it x

I really feel for you and I understand how overwhelmed you must feel at the moment.
Getting out will probably be very challenging, but so would staying...and there is no point in staying to be abused and have your children grow up thinking that’s normal.
The not having your children half the time(if that is what they want) will be painful but surely must be better than slowly being destroyed by your husband. Wishing you courage.

It sounds like such a hard situation and I really feel for you. How old are your children? I’ve got a 3 year old and have just split with his father, leaving an unhealthy relationship. Not the same situation, in that I don’t think he would want 50:50 custody (and couldn’t currently manage it), but I wanted to say that I am already (2 months later) so much calmer and happier and have a much better relationship with my son, now that I’m not dealing with the pressure of the relationship. I didn’t realise what a negative impact it was having on us until I was out of the situation. Sending you love x

OP and treesinthewind I also have got out and find myself almost daily noticing how much better I feel, and the atmosphere is so much more relaxed and peaceful, can only be better for all concerned

Good to hear the stories from you all about feeling better when out of the relationship. Kids are 4 and 2. I confided in my mother in law about tonight’s episode a short while ago and she has nothing but sympathy for me and frustration with the way he’s behaving, so it is at least nice to know that I have her support.

I am almost jealous of those of you whose children’s fathers only want to be involved occasionally, as I feel that would be sad for the kids but ultimately less upheaval for them than having to lead two separate lives. But then again I’m probably just being selfish about this as it may really come down to me not wanting to share them.

I could perhaps fight to have more custody but - apart from the rather large issue of being horrible to me - he is a good hands-on dad with them and I suspect even if I fought the point it would end up 50/50 as being in children’s best interests.

You are all making me feel I need to take action though, so thanks. I just don’t want to look back in years to come and think ‘could I have done more to keep the family together?’. I probably need to talk it through with a counsellor or something. I’ve mooted the idea of going together but ‘we don’t need a counsellor, we just need you (ie me) to be more tidy/careful/whatever the criticism of choice is that week’.

I think counselling on your own at least sounds like a good idea.

If he has impossible standards and can't stand mess etc how do you really think he will cope with the kids on his own? When they are a bit older and answer back a bit more? They might prefer to be with you

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I am too. Tonight he told me to 'fxxx off' twice, in a room where our kids were next door, because I was late home from work again. I'm late a lot but I hve a really busy, stressful job and his attitude makes it more stressful. I could be out having dinner right now with friends but I'm afraid to 'ask him' , even though the kids are asleep in bed. but leaving feels so hard - joint mortgage, joint accounts, big bills, two kids who need their parents. I feel totally trapped. sorry... just could'n't not reply when I read your message. Like you he's ok 'some of the time' so that makes it harder. He was a drinker and at least then I had an excuse to leave... but now he's off it and so I'm supposed to put up with everything else beuase he has made that effort.

I’ve mooted the idea of going together but ‘we don’t need a counsellor, we just need you (ie me) to be more tidy/careful/whatever the criticism of choice is that week’.
YES! I get that all the time. We don't need counselling because the problem is 'me'

R3ALLY - I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through similar, even though on some warped level it makes me feel less alone to know someone else is in the same boat. :-(. I think that at some stage things will reach a point where leaving is scary but better than staying, and I think that moment will be both awful and, in a way, a relief, as it will provide the clarity I need to do something.

In the meantime, venting to strangers on the internet is really helping, so thanks all.

I did counselling with a similar husband. I found it helpful to see that i wasn't going crazy and that he really is an arse. But ultimately, i haven't left him, because it's hard to call it a day and deal with the upheaval.

But you're not alone - a similar thread here in relationships has a bunch of similar posts. What to do.

@Magicmonster yep - I only came on MN tonight to see if there was anyone in a vaguely similar situation and it was very odd to see your message, and how close the situations are! Bloody BLOODY men though. We have a lovely house, great healthy kids, all the ingredients for a great life and he can't just rein it in. I would be better off with an au pair and a nice warm double bed all to myself and my gorgeous kids.Take care of yourself... the only positive thing I've done tonight is NOT go crawling to him trying to make everything better. Let him stew x

R3ALLY - Exactly! They have so much to be thankful for and happy about, so why ruin life with constant negativity, anger and criticism about things that really don’t matter?! I haven’t gone crawling back to mine either tonight. I’m fed up of banging my head against the wall trying to reason with someone who is fundamentally unreasonable.

Blackswan - was just reading that other thread actually. Again scarily similar. A lot of these men have so much in common.

Namechanged but..
I also left a relationship like this. 5 children and nearly twenty years. In my case it escalated into real aggression and violence so I had to leave for our safety and sanity.
But with some distance from the situation now, there’s a whole new level of trauma as I simply can not believe how I ever let somebody treat me that way. This is abuse I guess, it creeps in .
If you stay, it usually escalates.
My husband would rage about housework, rage if his tea wasn’t a full roast dinner, rage if his clothes weren’t ironed, rage at the children. He screamed at me once, as I held my week old baby in my arms, that my roots were showing and I was embarrassing him by not having my hair bleached.
He’d lose his car keys and scream for hours on end that it was my fault because I was lazy and the house was a mess. (It wasn’t ) Then he’d find them in his pocket. No one else would have believed it in a million years. I just totally wasted twenty years of my life trying to pacify his tantrums with excessive housework and self sacrifice . He stole joy from Christmas , from birthdays. I had a shelf of ornaments and trinkets he gave as little gifts to console me after his frequent outbursts.
He would be so complimentary about me to others, the perfect gentleman everywhere but his own house.
I’d love to tell you I’m super happy now. But honestly, I feel so damaged by staying in it for so long . Time and money that could have been devoted to building a future for myself and my children has all been lost to stupid pursuits. Fancy holidays where he’d use the opportunity of being out of earshot of the neighbours to abuse us. Meals out where he’d insist on expensive places then rant at how we wasted all ‘his’ money.
Just really sad. Of course I was trapped financially etc, I suppose he couldn’t have got away with it if he hadn’t have built me up to break me back down. So leave , and leave fast. Even if it means leaving with nothing , do it before there is just a shell of you left

Nobbler - a lot of what you post resonates with me. My son was recently hospitalised in an emergency & I was staying with him...exhausted, dishevelled - with DH disparaging how I looked in my jeans ('4 butt-cheeks')... The house apparently is 'his' and i'm just living in it (I work and contribute loads). While I'm not trapped financially, I have been with him all my adult life, never with another man even before... how to start again?

@BlackSwan , that’s really horrible of him.
Honestly I’d say, think of your exit plan if he just dumped you tomorrow for someone else or similar. Then put it into action right now. Be calm and clear, and then just start living again.
It’s easy for me to say, but in the end I had to leave almost to start from scratch.
My lack of confidence telling me that I couldn’t do it alone was just a temporary illusion, a symptom of the abuse. There was lots of other crap that I’d taken on board as truth but also turned out to be just untrue after he’d gone.
There is masses more time, as I no longer do pointless stuff to accommodate his wishes.