Need a handhold - angry, critical, verbally abusive husband

[Magicmonster]

Hi all - I am sat here in tears - i have so many emotions going through my head and I would appreciate a virtual hand hold. My husband is incredibly critical (I get blamed for anything which goes wrong which he can conceivably blame on me), he speaks to me in a rude manner and if I try to defend or explain myself I’m told to shut up or similar. He wasn’t always this bad - has slowly deteriorated over time. We have two young kids. I know deep down the writing is on the wall for this relationship, but I can’t yet bring myself to leave, mainly out of fear of the impact it may have on the kids (I know, I know, them seeing him talk to me badly may have just as much impact on them) and the general upheaval on our lives but also out of fear of only seeming them 50 percent of the time (we share childcare at the moment and he’d def want joint custody). Obviously he’s not rude 100 percent of the time either which makes it harder to make the break.

He’s just come home from visiting his mum In hospital and had a go at me as he walked in the door for no good reason. I said he really needed to start speaking to me with kindness and respect and he said he’s got to get away from me right now and stormed off out (to the pub no doubt). Leaving the dinner I’ve just spent the past hour cooking on the table.

I don’t know what I want from anyone on this thread. Too embarrassed to mention this to anyone in real life right now - also to be honest because then it would become More real and I may have to stop sticking my head in the sand and do something about it!

Just so exasperated with trying to fix something which is beyond my control.

The book was called Too Good to Leave, too bad to stay.

I mean doesn't the title just show what a state I was in?! I should have been reading Too Shit to stay! But it goes back to the concept that these men are not all bad 100% of the time, so it really is the frog.

Magicmonster and others in a similar position. I think it took me 2 years to leave from the first awakening to the issues. At first I had to understand, as abuse isn't rational. Like everyone else we had a lovely home, no worries, fab children however he was intent on blowing it up. The trigger for leaving was seeing myself placating an angry man as I literally started to walk behind him whilst I tried to figure strategies to calm him. Also he started to use the children against me, forcing unreasonable requests and getting the children to agree with him. He would say "mum is just being controlling not letting xyz happen"

In my case he had a very abusive childhood but I suspect genetics also plays a large part. It is the reason why getting out to protect your children is important as parenting solo allows them to see "normal" dynamics at play. My DC know now that he is unreasonable, had we stayed together would they think it was normal?

Re child contact, they may fight you for 50:50 which will be painful but you can cope. Ex fought for contact but his work and gf take precedence so contact has reduced. This could happen if their source of admiration is work or eventually another woman. Look back at your relationship in early stages, where was his focus? They tend to replicate previous patterns.

Also if they are narcisstic they will not cope with children who are no longer adoring or compliant, which usually is around primary school years. It will become a battle and that will eventually make the children vote with their feet.

I don't underestimate getting away from such men. I was actually naive about it so I would suggest you plan ahead. First is to gather financial data, work out what a 50:50 financial split would be, start to build a nest egg, increase work and get support by telling people (who won't tell him).
Then get a really good solicitor who knows about abusive men. I made a big mistake here as mine was a lamb to slaughter. She was lovely but assumed he would be reasonable. A strategy is to not share anything with them as they will target what you want i.e time with the children. The more they know you want someone the less they will give it to you. Ex fought for contact when I now offer it he won't take it!
They will also portray themselves as the victim so watch out for a smear campaign.

I stayed much too long as for a number of reasons had I got out earlier life would now be easier. Looking back I can see he ruined most of the big occasions in my life and I was such a shell of myself that I am not sure I enjoyed life then, it was about managing the atmosphere.

OH GOD there is so much here I find familiar... right down to him making my emergency section all about him and his trauma. We had a grand calm Friday and raging again this morning. I’m reading the Lundy book and it’s brilliant... he could have looked into my house

@BlackSwan and @eesha I feel so much empathy for you.

My Ex also completely let me down after my emergency C section. The next day he was 5 hours late to visit me. I still remember waiting, and waiting, desperate for him as he could wheel me to see our baby who was in intensive care. And I needed to try feeding him. Eventually a nurse helped.

Then when breastfeeding wasn’t working, still in hospital, a really kind nurse said I was very ill and needed one nights sleep at least so she fed him and let me rest. Ex was in a rage at me, that I wasn’t doing enough for his son.

5 weeks later he told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore. Baby was high demand. I had no support. He wasn’t even bringing in enough for the mortgage so I had to start a loan in my name.

5 months later he said I was probably post natally depressed. He’d raged at me regularly for the slightest thing.

1 year later I got out. Never looked back.

Unfortunately I think I’ve found someone else who is just as abusive. Yet much more a wolf in sheep’s clothing so I didn’t realize. Awful isn’t it.

@Techway wow what an insightful post. Much if it is so directly useful to me right now and hopefully OP too.
They will also portray themselves as the victim so watch out for a smear campaign. this is happening right now to me. His whole family and all his friends see me as having control problems caused by high anxiety. They’ve basically diagnosed me. I am the problem.

A strategy is to not share anything with them as they will target what you want i.e time with the children. wow also very eye opening. I am separating and he is directly targeting our child - saying deliberately that he wants to take our child for his whole contact time to his sisters house - as he knows I have big concerns about our sons welfare there. Even though in the past he’s had zero interest in taking any of his older kids to his sisters. It’s like he’s seen my weakness and honed in on it.

Clearnightsky,I read your thread and really feel for you and completely understand your confusion as he is using your ability to be critical of yourself against you. Very few people understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship, my lovely supportive family would question why he acted in some way and assumed I must have done something to cause it (even unintentionally) but that wasn't the case. Abusive men have an agenda to control and if they can't control you they will control how others perceive you.

Ex would leave the house without notice and when I asked where he was, because I was dishing up food, he would either gaslight me (I told you I was leaving) or call me controlling. I did question myself despite knowing he was telling lies.

There is never any point trying to rationalise as they don't want to seek mutual understanding, they want you to be confused.

I will definitely read those books that have been suggested, thanks. One difficulty is that he is definitely not the kind of husband I would have hoped for, or deserve, but he’s also not as bad as most of the other stories on here. During and after my emergency c section he was amazing. He did all he could for me and the kids. But I know that does not change the fact that fundamentally he is controlling and unreasonable. A while back someone on Mumsnet suggested I look at OCPD as their husband had it and it sounded familiar. It also set off tonnes of alarm bells for me, although it only reinforces the fact that this is a part of his personality and he is very unlikely to change.

And to the person who said that his mum would tell him everything, I am almost certain she would not, unless I asked her to speak to him (which would I think be an awful idea). She’s been messaging me every day to check in on me and saying she will support me in any way she can, so I definitely don’t have to worry about that.

@Clearnightsky i hope you find your way out soon enough. My ex raged I wasn't doing enough the day after my emergency C section, said I wasn't letting him sleep the night before when I had severe pains, then screamed as I threw up in sink not toilet. Then stayed at home but before he was due back to work, shouted that he didn't think I'd cope. He was nuts and in hindsight I think just couldn't control his own life so this spilt over as anger towards me and the children.

@Techway I was the same, walking behind wondering whether he would lose his cool at a random person. More recently it was another mum whose child was on the swing but not moving. I knew he was about to rage so thank God she moved any way. I could go on but I just thank God we aren't together. The scars are still there plus we share kids but slowly I'm getting my life on track.

@Eesha that sounds really bad, it sounds traumatic for you, birth is an incredibly vulnerable time. He was nuts and in hindsight I think just couldn't control his own life so this spilt over as anger towards me and the children. definitely agree, my Ex spent his whole life avoiding any stress on him, and having a child just sent him over the edge. I ended up thinking weak men are the ones to be wary of, they can’t take stress and can explode.

Sometimes it’s being in public that can expose things, perhaps we should pay a lot of attention. Like the walking behind? We know it’s not normal. I remember feeling tense any time I had a work do etc, where Ex would come. And one time on a train, someone else was using their phone and Ex just vaulted up and climbed over them, red in his face and shaking his head muttering and swearing - the whole carriage looked totally shocked and I remember one man looking straight at me and raising his eyes. I could tell he was thinking ‘wtf and wtf are you doing with him?’ While I was cringing holding the baby.

@Clearnightsky i don't want to say too much in case outing but for me, my ex went ballistic at this festival and I found myself mouthing 'please help' to people. The truth is no one can tell us what to do, you have to make the choice to leave yourself. I split almost 6 months later.

I have a FWB now and life is so simple, such a change from being scared all the time.

Have you ever let him see how upset you are? Has he seen you in years? What is his reaction?xx

Mine has dreadful road rage. Everyone is in his way, never lets anyone in, swears out of the window, honks... he’s nuts. Gets into arguments with people at the drop of a hat. Total disregard for others.
But if he wants to be can be completely charming. Not to me ever, but with people he wants something from.

No one deserves this :( just want to give you a hug x

But if he wants to be can be completely charming. Not to me ever, but with people he wants something from. that is sad.

@Eesha sounds awful, the festival. I’m glad you got out. It’s very hard being the one left literally holding the baby though isn’t it.

Hi @Magicmonster and everyone. I’ve been here too, I had children with one of these men and had the same dawning realisation that it wasn’t right and wasn’t going to improve. You do have to get out, in my opinion, but it is v v difficult. I had to rewrite the story I had in my head of what my future would be like. I’d never imagined that I’d be a single mother. I thought I’d found The One. I thought we’d grow old together. I thought my dc would grow up with mummy and daddy living together. It took ages to recalibrate and let go of all that.

Maybe try to think of some fabulous happy women who are raising kids alone - think of some happy, functional, aspirational one parent households / families you know (of). Imagine yourself happy and confident in your own space. Yes there may be times when the dc are with their dad but you could use that time to catch up on housework, seeing your friends, any stuff just for you - hobbies, courses, nights out.

What I’m trying to say is yes it’s difficult but yes it’s doable and absolutely worth it to be free of the criticism and abuse. What kept me going was the thought that I would be a much better mother to my dc if I wasn’t always treading on eggshells and dealing with unfounded unfair criticism that decimated my self esteem.

Good luck, and do be honest with friends irl. You’ve nothing to be ashamed of and no need to cover up his bad behaviour. All the best

@Clearnightsky thanks, yes, went completely nuts because someone didnt say thank you when he let them pass. I was then pushing the buggy to try and get us out of the place and he pushed it away saying I was too slow, shouting at me. There were people ahead turning round and staring. Then after a bit it was like 'sorry for being grumpy even though he had gone so mad before.....I'm definitely not over it because I'm always scared a potential partner might be a monster in disguise, something in me has definitely been broken. I just think OP should read people's stories and look out for herself and her children. Ok her husband might not be like mine but there are red flags in all our stories which should be recognised.

something in me has definitely been broken. that is sad to read. I’m sorry it sounds so stressful.

I feel broken too. I know I am taking a very very long time to leave, this is my second relationship with someone who treats me poorly and it does take a long while to get over. I took even more risks with my second, with hindsight. However he was and is the model of a decent man. Even his ex wife still thinks he’s wonderful. However I now know she was probably abusive to DP and they learn a cycle of abuse with each other.

It’s so complicated and we do all have different stories. OP like you my DP has never hit me, and presents as so kind and caring. Is kind and caring even now. However something drove us here to MN, and there is a difference between arguing I think, and occasional meanness. It’s the constant cycle.

Do you feel in a constant cycle?

How do you think your DH really feels about you...

What would you say to your daughter if she was in a similar relationship?

You must end the relationship. It's not good for you and it's not good for your children. I have been exactly where you are and I know how hard it will be, but it will be worth it, believe me. By the time I found the courage, I was a shadow of my former self and it has taken counselling, time and the love of an amazing man to get me to where I am now. Please, do it. Sending you lots of strength....

I was the child in this relationship. How dare you.

I have now starting read the book ‘too good to leave, too bad to stay’ and I am sad to say that I fell at the first hurdle - the answer to the very first question suggested I leave. It’s just such a big step. I think I will organise some counselling for myself in the new year and go from there. Hopefully talking through everything in that forum will help it all become more real and stop my current paralysis.

@RosamundButterfly - your post really resonated, so thank you. My head agrees wholeheartedly with what you say. I think you sum it up well when you talk of facing a future that’s just so different from the one you intended.

And ultimately, I’m tied to him forever through the kids. An unreasonable, critical, controlling partner is obviously going to become an unreasonable, critical, controlling co-parent. The advantage will obviously be that I don’t need to live with him. The disadvantage is that he will have even less incentive to behave reasonably towards me when we do have to interact.

To those who talk of preparation, it is a good point, although I earn more than him - not hugely, but at least I’m not reliant on him I guess.

Yep, I definitely need professional help. Anyone who has seen a counsellor in London about this type and stuff and would recommend them, please do share their details with me. Thanks.

OP - my stbxh was the same. It's taken me nearly 4 years since I had the first thoughts of separation to get to this point where we are actually separating. Don't be like me! It's going to be shit - but you will be in a much better place mentally when he's not wearing you down daily

OP I know this is a really old thread but where are you in life now? Did you leave?

i found your post as some similarities here