Need a handhold - angry, critical, verbally abusive husband

[Magicmonster]

Hi all - I am sat here in tears - i have so many emotions going through my head and I would appreciate a virtual hand hold. My husband is incredibly critical (I get blamed for anything which goes wrong which he can conceivably blame on me), he speaks to me in a rude manner and if I try to defend or explain myself I’m told to shut up or similar. He wasn’t always this bad - has slowly deteriorated over time. We have two young kids. I know deep down the writing is on the wall for this relationship, but I can’t yet bring myself to leave, mainly out of fear of the impact it may have on the kids (I know, I know, them seeing him talk to me badly may have just as much impact on them) and the general upheaval on our lives but also out of fear of only seeming them 50 percent of the time (we share childcare at the moment and he’d def want joint custody). Obviously he’s not rude 100 percent of the time either which makes it harder to make the break.

He’s just come home from visiting his mum In hospital and had a go at me as he walked in the door for no good reason. I said he really needed to start speaking to me with kindness and respect and he said he’s got to get away from me right now and stormed off out (to the pub no doubt). Leaving the dinner I’ve just spent the past hour cooking on the table.

I don’t know what I want from anyone on this thread. Too embarrassed to mention this to anyone in real life right now - also to be honest because then it would become More real and I may have to stop sticking my head in the sand and do something about it!

Just so exasperated with trying to fix something which is beyond my control.

I think you’d both discover that your family and close friends probably know about what you’re putting up with, and that they’d be around to help more than you think.
Mine were, and still are being bloody brilliant.

It’s a tough thing to tell them, but a problem shared, and all that....

I was also in the same situation as you. Everything was my fault, the rages, the anger, the bitterness, the negativity. Took me three years to leave. That three years of internal stress about whether to stay or leave and break our family unit took a lot out of me and three years later I am still picking up the pieces in terms of my health. Long term stress is very damaging.

Have you heard of the boiling frog analogy? My firend sent me something like this and just said "don't be that frog" and it really resonated with me www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/she-comes-long-way-baby/201606/frog-is-dropped-boiling-water

YOu have started the realisation it is not right, and it is not healthy. I am not saying it was easy to leave and the aftermath has been tough on everyone, but I am 100% happier now and I am free. There is a lot to be said for freedom.

I agree with PP, start telling 1 or 2 trusted people, and make it a reality. You have not failed, you are not alone, you can be happy. When you don't feel comfortable in your own home, something really needs to change. Home shouldbe your safe place, not one where you get abuse. Good luck OP.

How are you today Magic Monster? Thinking of you. I haven’t gone crawling back apologizing to keep the peace like I usually do... it feels better. Am in late to work today so bought a dress and am having a Christmas Latte to remind myself that I deserve nice things. We don’t deserve to be shouted at. H scoffs when I say it (it’s all my fault !) but it’s true. He has MH problems and is clearly in a dip at the moment. In the past all of my energy went into fixing him. But I’m tired, now.

You are right
You need to leave
Better the dc gave 50 per time in a nice environment than 99 per cent bad.
Dont pre emptf. If he is nice to them when with them better for the dc.
If not as they grow they can and will vote with their feet.
Status quo is horrendous
You have the power to make changes

Thanks all. I’m ok today - although very tired. I haven’t yet spoken to my husband. He did come back last night but I was already in bed and we didn’t speak this morning. I think the key as some of you have said is to start talking with other people about it all, and that will make it easier to give ultimatums and if necessary make a break. That’s partly what I am doing here (talking), but I will also start to slowly reach out to ppl in real life. As I mentioned I spoke to my mother in law yesterday and that helped, as she knows him better than anyone.

I should say that unlike black swan and others he thankfully has never criticised my appearance or the (lack of) effort I make in that respect. That sounds horrible for you.

You really,really need to leave him. You have no idea how soul destroying it is to live in a home with parents in a highly dysfunctional relationship. You think you'll be harming the children with divorce? You're killing their spirits slowly and surely by staying. My siblings and I all have anxiety due to the horrible warfare we witnessed growing up between the two adults meant to protect us.

Make the break sooner rather than later because the longer you stay within this for your own reasons, the harder it will be for you because he will continue to crush you emotionally. He wants to drag you and in turn your children down with him.

What do you want to teach your dc about relationships and what are they learning here?

Teaching these children such a dysfunctional and abusive model of a relationship will harm them immeasurably, and have more far reaching effects on them than a divorce .

An ultimatum can only be issued one time and you would need to follow it through, if you cannot do this then do not issue it. I doubt very much that such would be at all successful on your husband anyway

How utterly heartbreaking.

I left when my DD was 18 month old and being a single mother was great for me. It is difficult having the shared care but you adapt OP, you really do.

Unfortunately I fell in to another emotionally abusive relationship which was more insidious but as soon as I clicked what was going on it took me under 6 months to get out - rather than the years it did with the last one.

I’m now with a wonderful man who goes above and beyond and treats me with nothing but respect.

You can do this OP, you and your children have an incredible happy life waiting for you just outside the door

I was scared to leave an abusive relationship because I was scared what would happen to my DC. He was anything but a hands on dad and I was so worried about not having DC around when they were used to me doing everything for them, and worried how they would be looked after. In the end it was just too damaging for my mental health to stay and it wasn't good for my DC either. Fortunately I was able to put some distance between me and him and he wasn't looking for 50:50 but I totally understand why it worries you.

I am so much happier as a single parent. I still have to put up with my ex's demands and difficult behaviour from time to time but it's so much better than having it every single day.

For my DC we do a night in the week and EOW which is a standard set up and one I think works better to give children a stable environment. It's not guaranteed he would get 50:50, even though that could be the outcome.

You do adapt and it gets easier. You can't put your life on hold until you crumble away to nothing.

OP, I think a lot of situations like this creep up on you and some behaviour becomes so ingrained you think it’s normal. I realised many moons ago that it wasn’t normal when I had a new assistant each time that I preempted them about my and my DHs numerous phone rows, or the fact someone says to me ‘does he always speak to you like that’. It’s these little things that can be a giveaway that the dynamic is all wrong. Doesn’t mean he’s a 100% prick, just that he tends to be a bit of a prick to you and you have to decide if you can cope with that for years and years to come.

@Nobblerbobbler that is so sad and I completely identify. I still struggle to see the man I’m with now but breaking up with, well trying to leave (have started a whole other thread) - thinks so so little of me - with the man and dreams I had 9 years ago.

9 years! When I look back I just feel, like you and OP, what a WASTE. An utter utter waste. All that time I was pregnant, we could have had such a fun time together! That holiday we had, in Italy, that I pushed for, was the last one we ever had, as DP dragged his feet as if it was the worst thing I’d put him through. Why?
All that time with our young baby, why couldn’t he enjoy time with me? Every time we went out, he just looked like he wanted to be elsewhere.

And often he was, much to my surprise he was spending half the time sexting other women. Women he couldn’t care less about. But apparently worth the total devastation when I found out.

Every time we had the odd cozy night in with the TV with just us, he’d complain that his older children weren’t there and he missed them. Every time I tried to do something fun that included all the kids and step kids, apparently it wasn’t quite right, not that great... so eventually all the life and energy and motivation I’ve had has ebbed away...

And then the humiliation. Constant. I’d feel like he was embarrassed to be with me. I think he was. I wasn’t well groomed enough for him anymore. Not as young as women he knew he could get. He’d put down most of my ideas and opinions. Occasionally really shout at me and I started to get the blame for everything. I felt dowdy. Then he’d say some nice things. And say I looked beautiful and I felt great again. But the next day if I tried to give him a hug he’d pull away. Leaving me feeling crap again.

I just look back and think it was so sad that our family should be full of memories and I can’t think of hardly any. In fact I’m not even sure that there is a photo of us together with our child!

Was it as bad for him? I’m not sure. So many labels flying around, is her narcissistic, is he abusive. He started to call me controlling and abusive if I had any assertive opinions or did anything he didn’t like. Was I becoming controlling?

So OP. How is your past few years? What has it been like? Is this the future you want? It’s not mine and I’m desperate to leave.

I envy you op, because you have that chance now to save the children aged 2 and 4 - OMFG how I wish I had left him when they were that young and would have been able to adapt to the situation. Mine are now late teens and both have anxiety and various other issues due to listening to us arguing for the whole of their lives. They have told me over and over again they wish I had left years ago and also that they don't want to keep in touch with him/wont be seeing him in future and that they expect me to leave ASAP. I'm still trying to get away but that's a whole other thread. I am nearly 60, we've been married over 30 years. I worried about him getting access visits with the kids though, I can understand that. But what you are going through is abuse, have you seen that book The Verbally Abusive Relationship? Reading stuff like that, and talking on here opened my eyes but all I've seen is how very wrong I have been to live like this all these years.

Please split up as soon as you can.

R3ALLY my partner sounds similar to yours and he has MH issues. I am also tired of trying to make the world right for him! I contacted a work counselling service to try and understand more about his condition but ended up talking about me. I do not pander to his moods any more.
I have the means to leave and a couple of years ago, when things were really bad, my teenage son begged me to leave. Thankfully their relationship has improved a bit so I have stayed but I am sure my son's poor performance at school was down to the situation at home . I now just ignore his outbursts but I know I deserve better.
I recently went to the doctor as I was feeling physically crap and had lost my natural optimism. He suggested my mental health may have been affected by the situation.
Make plans to leave OP you deserve a better life . Your children are young and will adapt. You will come to appreciate the free time when they visit their dad. Good Luck x

Another one who says leave. I left an abusive marriage and yes I had to do some considerable grieving over the fact my son and I had endured so very much. But I feel like a million dollars now. Free, single, dating, precious alone time, total control over my house, my time and therefore my emotions. Sleep in peace each night, and focus completely on my wonderful son who will never hurt or abuse me. It will be hard, but you’ll survive. I’m so sorry for you and all other women on here suffering abuse at the hands of their partner. It’s miserable there’s so many posts right now. But I promise you, if you get out, even when working through the grief and trauma, you’ll be a whole lot better alone with your beloved children.

What Mumandsome78 says is absolutely spot on. You will grieve for the lost years and the unhappiness you have suffered but leaving is absolutely the right thing to do. The peace and happiness you will gain will be worth every second of it. I wish I had got out sooner, certainly when my children were younger. Life is to be lived, not endured for the sake of some pathetic, nasty man who doesn't deserve you. You are being used - he doesn't love you. Don't put up.with it any more.

Please don't waste any more of your life with this abusive arsehole.

Please don't subject your children to any more of this toxic atmosphere.

Please don't let them grow up thinking their Mum was too scared to stand up to a bully.

Yes, it's scary and it will be tough, but you (and they) deserve to be happy.

Imagine not having your heart jump when you hear his key in the door.

Imagine waking up knowing that no-one is going to shout at you today.

Imagine the freedom of not be blamed for things that aren't your fault.

Start talking to people in real life and start making plans.

Thank you so much everyone. Obviously today he is being nice and the idea of leaving feels faintly ridiculous. I know it’s not, I know the abuse will continue every time life gets on top of him, I know it is better to make a move before the kids get much bigger. But I can’t do it right now. I do need to work through it in my own time and I need to feel I have given the relationship 110 percent first. But I take on board all your points and will do my utmost to ensure I’m not in this same situation a year from now. Thanks again x

His mum will tell him what you've said so that'll make things better or worse fairly quickly

I really urge you to tell a few people in your life now. Even if you are not leaving. Family friends and a professional.

You are brushing everything under the carpet. And you have young children who need a healthy house. I know because I’ve a child that I need to take with me and leave.

So even if you are not going now, you know that it will happen again. And if you don’t start being open about it to others, you will forget how bad you felt a few days ago. And it will only get worse.

I remember the first time I was ever sworn at and the venom was so strong he actually accidentally spat on me as he shouted.

I look back now and I was that frog. I made a lot of excuses because of what was going on his life. But I am so glad I left.

I bought a book that helped me to decide if it was worth staying. I read it twice before biting the bullet. I still grieve the man I had, but not the man he became.

Best best of luck. Get some counselling if you can.

Was the book “should I stay or should I go” by Lundy Bancroft? It was a turning point for me too (actually to not cave and go back).

Op: might be worth a read?

When I left my ex, I remember telling someone that whatever happened to us (DC and I) from this point it would not be as bad as our life had been with him. That has been so, so true.

@Magicmonster i was also you a few years back, and also wishing something would happen to my then partner just so it would all be over. Listen to other posters who have spent years like this, or whose kids have been damaged by the abuse the parents have inflicted. I also didn't want to be separated, see my kids only half the time. But this isn't likely to happen, you'll have them most of the time and during that time, life will be peaceful. My ex even raged the day after my C section. I can't say I'm over the damage that was done to me mentally but I can certainly look at my children and can justify (one day) why I made the decision to leave. You'll have a tipping point one day when the time is right.

I too knew my marriage had to end. I knew if I’d sought counselling it would end. I knew I needed someone else to support me and just talk too about his behaviour.
He left 18 months later and whilst hard at first I’m doing much better. It’s the mental exhausted I noticed more. When I was with him I was tired all the time, they drain you. Im in a much better place.
Thankfully he’s a better father to his son and he has regular contact.
My sons much happier.
Ex still tries it on emotionally and the distance has made me see how emotionally screwed up he is from his dysfunctional childhood. I’d had tried to fix that - pointless - I’m learning we can’t fix anyone.
Think of your children - I too came from a fucked up childhood. It left lasting damage to us all.
These men grind us down. 🌺

Eesha, you're bringing back memories for me saying "My ex even raged the day after my C section."
The day after my C section with my first baby, I was really down and on the emotional rollercoaster...crying etc... I was filing my nails absently with a ceramic nail file, and DH gave me the most suspicious disgusted look, and snatched the file away from me, intimating I might hurt the baby. I have never had a thought of hurting my son. But it was clear to me that he saw me as some kind of mental patient.
Completely unrelated (but related) I had a medical problem which went undiagnosed for a long time & I kept seeing doctors trying to get someone to help me - eventually he told me, totally straight faced, he thought I was actually losing my marbles.