How likely are you to hold your male boss's hand when drunk?

[FritzDonovan]

If you're a single female, have been working away with a large group of people for months, are out one night with your married (male) boss, a friend, one other colleague and his friend, and all are pretty drunk. Under what circumstances would you end up walking along holding your boss's hand?

I think you’d be doing yourself a massive disservice to stay with this man. You know you cannot trust him and that knowledge doesn’t just go away. You’ve already found yourself at the point of messaging his colleague over a photo on her Facebook page (that you went looking for? Perhaps not, but either way!) and have got yourself blocked. Don’t let him keep doing this to you

Ofgs posters, it's absolutely irrelevant whether op's lying, cheating scumbag of a dh held hands with one work colleague or 59 of them.
It's the tiniest detail in a whole shit storm of deceit, disrespect, and downright abuse he's inflicted on op.

Thanks to those who considered my question instead of just jumping to the usual ltb response. Considering how prolific cheating appears to be, there'd hardly be any long-term married ppl if noone worked at bettering themselves and the relationship.

Ok so. We'll see you back here next year.

Take care of yourself til then, I sincerely mean that.

@FritzDonovan yes stalkerish. Play it down if you must. But this is not normal behaviour. Trust doesn't need to be checked. Trust doesn't need to be looked at. Trust doesn't need to be worked through.

Do I think people change or can change? Maybe. But once trust is gone I think it's hard to get back - for me impossible.

You are so embroiled in this being your normal you can't see it isn't the usual normal.

Don't attack those of us who are telling you, for your own MH and self respect to walk away. We are not saying it to be mean. We are saying it because it's the best thing to do.....

I would NEVER do this.

Follow your gut instincts, not normally wrong.

Never.

He’s cheated before and is probably doing it or planning on doing it again.

Trust doesn't need to be checked. Trust doesn't need to be looked at. Trust doesn't need to be worked through.

You don't say. But when it has been broken, and you want the truth, you go looking. You don't just sit there. Tbh, I dont care if anyone thinks that small contact is stalkerish. She apparently told him she thought he was hot. And that led to the hand holding. Pretty sure she should be explaining herself to me, as his wife, with interactions like that. Don't mess with ppl if you can't own your own shitty behavior. Coward.

Yes, walking away may be the best thing to do. But that's not what I asked. I didn't ask whether I should leave or not. I've already heard all that. And my previous threads came from many different stages of this shitty journey. I pretty much suspected things for a while, then found out about most things in a shortish period of time, and been processing and getting details since. If I wanted to know whether ppl thought I should leave or not, that's what I would have asked. I'm not attacking anyone, but it's extremely frustrating when every thread (and I'm not just talking about mine here) goes down the same route. Without consideration of the original question.

He is now, on the surface, different to how he was before dday. Time will tell if this is a genuine change or not. I'm not staying if things revert to pre dday. But equally, I cannot get up and leave tonight. I need to plan the best way through it. I know this, and I don't need ppl attacking me or my decisions, and insinuating I'm an idiot for asking for opinions while processing information and doing what I think is best at any precise moment in time. As I said, that's not what I asked.

Maybe I'll see you again sadie. Maybe he is one of those losers who can't be any better.

Never!!

To be fair to other pps until today most didn’t say LTb. I think a lot of people recognised you and your posts and knew that that’s a dead horse well flogged.

Bluntly, you are refusing to see the man he is. This and all the other issues you have with him are being blamed on situations or other people. That’s why you skirt around describing what actually happened and instead look to find an explanation/lie you can accept.

Last time you sought justification that he cheats because that’s a thing service people do in general and it only happened after he joined up. Really you only found out after he joined up. He isn’t compelled to cheat because of his job. Being found out didn’t stop him. Because he is a cheat, even if he does the right things for a while.

The women he cheated with didn’t turn his head. He turned his head. He will do it again.

He choose to lie and lie and lie. It goes on until you find something that gives you enough comfort to accept the lie.

But still you post on here. Because you really don’t think he is telling the truth.

If you want to stay with this man, at least see him for what he is. Or, just bury your head and stop hunting for an acceptable lie rather than the truth.

She told him he's hot so he held her hand and that's all that happened?

Ok, OP. If that's a good enough explanation then I really do wish the best for you and I hope he's becoming the man you need him to be.

People on MN can seem harsh but mostly they just want you to be happy and not let him manipulate you.

Good luck.

"Pretty sure she should be explaining herself to me, as his wife"

No - she owes you nothing. Your issue is with your husband.

She would have a pretty strong case against your husband should she head to HR... and your interaction with her would make the situation worse. Work night outs are treated as work and subject to the same rules and regulations as any employment. If she accuses your husband of inappropriate behaviour - which is what she told you it was....he can get in a lot of trouble. We don't live in a world where it's acceptable for men in power to abuse their position....think #metoo.

As OP has pointed out, she doesn't care if the woman accuses her DH of inappropriate behaviour. She's not covering for him or trying to keep him in his job. She probably thinks if an accusation was made, at least she'd find out the truth about what's going on.

OP You sound frantic and sad. That's no way to live

If it was just a handhold I wouldn't be too bothered. Though I would be wary.

However, telling him he's hot beforehand adds another dimension and is out of line.

I personally, would be keeping an eye and storing things up in my head for something more conclusive.

Holding or touching his hand? I'm s very touchy person and in a conversation at a dinner table I might briefly touch someone's hand if we are laughing or mid conversation holding his hand is a different thing ... Unless he was upset or unsteady then I think that's a red flag

Age 19 my significantly older boss held mine in a sort of 'I'm accompanying you out of the building' sort of way on a night out but it was flirty and there was lots of hand on lower back type gestures too.. and it was commented on by my colleagues.

(I was a bit flattered then but didn't do anything in response just shrugged it off...now age 35 id find it totally off)

I did assume it was a sexual/flirty thing tbh and had the impression on the night that had I wanted to I could have taken things further.

That is grim @Hurdygurdy24

That's such a funny thread title! I'm very unlikely because I don't go out on work dos and the most senior man in my area is a peer. However, I would be glad to walk arm and arm with him. He's a jolly person who I would be able to have a great laugh with. It would not, to answer your question, lead to anything beyond a professional relationship.

My friends fiancé held my hand once on a night out when they were really cold. It made me feel a bit uncomfortable but I didn’t say anything.

OP, yes it was shitty behaviour from me and the people involved. As I said young, drunk and damn stupid. Thankfully I know better now, but I can tell you they don't. I have seen so many seemingly respectable family men play away from home as I worked away a lot. It's sad but mostly their partners really didn't know, and the one thing I can tell you is if they found or suspected something, these men had a damn good explanation. The changed person you see is most likely a good front to make you stay. You don't hold hands with someone if you don't want something. Just be careful what you believe, he sounds good.

Just to be clear I don't mean with me before I get judged!

Yeah, I've done this but for a very good reason. After a team night out my boss was absolutely hammered and was intent on going to the casino, where he was likely to lose a shit load of money due to being totally incapable. I've no idea if they would have let him in but he was in no fit state to do anything.

Both me and another female colleague took a hold of each of his hands and steered him to the nearest taxi rank, a ten minute walk away, put him in a taxi and sent him off home. He did not behave inappropriately in any way. He just kept asking us to take him to the casino as we could all win big lol. Come Monday morning he looks a bit sheepish, apologises and thanks us.

It didn't stop him from doing it again, but it was only ever casino related. And sometimes it was a couple of male colleagues doing the holding hand thing, or a more manly arm link, to try and get him home safely.

So he put all the blame on her to get him out of trouble.

Of course that wouldn’t be a lie

I have a weird thing where when I'm drunk I will grab hold of a guys hand who I think will 'look after' me. i.e. just keep me upright/in a straight line. Nothing sexual in it from my perspective AT ALL but I admit it has led to some awkward conversations.

@Hazynomore, same. If one of my friends has had a drink I’d probably hold their hand/arm to get them home.