How likely are you to hold your male boss's hand when drunk?

[FritzDonovan]

If you're a single female, have been working away with a large group of people for months, are out one night with your married (male) boss, a friend, one other colleague and his friend, and all are pretty drunk. Under what circumstances would you end up walking along holding your boss's hand?

I haven’t read your previous threads but my instinct is to say either put up with it or call it a day. My DSD’ s ‘D’ H has had numerous flings over the years and DSD drives herself mad trying to establish “ facts” . She also contacts other women , blaming them entirely. No idea where her pride is .

You need to leave him, or accept him for what he is.

If you let a cheat get away with it, the rest of your life will be mired in uncertainty and suspicion and you need to learn to live with it.

Only you can decide. No point getting bent out of shape about this woman. Forget her. Just leave, or accept the reality.

I remember your previous threads.

Handholding is incredibly intimate. Even if helping someone, you link arms. I don't hold hands with just anyone, and neither does anyone I know.

I saw this gently and with respect but LTB.
He is lying, gaslighting and you are worth so much more than this.

I used to hold my bosses hand when I was 19. We ran a pub together and were really close mates as a group and he treated me like a daughter.

As a full adult in a professional job? Fucking never I'd be looked at very strangely and may even be taken to HR.

Might not mean that anything has happened but they certainly fancy each other

Why are you still there @Fritz?

Have you ever tried leaving him? Even temporarily? I think you may be too dependent on him? It can't be normal to accept this level of abuse repeatedly for so long?

I remember it was a serious porn addiction years back, with him lying and breaking your trust over and over again, last year you found out about actual affairs and now this?

Your dh is a sex addict and he's RUINED your life as a result. He's never going to put you first, and you deserve so much better. Why is his sex addiction more important than you Fritz? He only loves himself and that won't ever change,

How much more can you actually take?

Yes, it was a military deployment.
A lot has happened since I last came on to ask opinions on this. I caught him out lying about having spent time out sightseeing alone with the female he was messaging (all innocent stuff, but it is completely unlike him normally), and had kicked him out. I don't believe there was anything in it, but I now have zero tolerance for this kind of stuff. Since then, he has done all the right things. He cried about his shit for the first time. He seems genuinely remorseful.

However. His explanation that he does not remember is not sufficient. Even if he does not remember what prompted it on the night, he would know why she was comfortable going for his hand and knowing she wouldn't get reprimanded. And he would know why he didn't drop her hand immediately, as he should have done. Yes, I'm sure inhibitions were lowered by alcohol, but you don't go round grabbing anyone's hand while drunk just for the sake of it. If that were the case, she'd have been holding her friends hand.

For him to deny all knowledge of all of that implies there is more ie that there was an attraction of whatever extent, even if it was acted on at any other time, and he needs to acknowledge this truthfully if we are to move forward in honesty. It is the last thing I need an explanation for, and it is very much looking like the straw which broke the camel's back right now.

Haven’t read the full thread.

I am a bloke, and on a night out a few months ago the female friend I was out with took my hand on the way home (we were both single at the time) then fell asleep in the taxi with her head in my lap.

She was hammered, so as a gentleman I made sure she got home and went on my merry way.

It did assume it was a sexual/flirty thing tbh and had the impression on the night that had I wanted to I could have taken things further.

I raised it in conversation the next time we spoke and she was horrified that I had read anything into it. Apparently to her it was just a friendship thing.

Hate to say it but I've been in that situation twice. First time staying away for work, night out. Not a married man but in a relationship and we ended up sleeping together unknown to his partner for several years. I was young and thought he'd leave her....they got married he kept trying and I told him where to go finally!

Second time was simply spending lots of time together at work every day. Nothing happened as he was married and I wouldn't and he wouldn't, but with the alcohol i would have made that mistake as the desire was there and it was too close for comfort.

Sounds to me like a classic case of falling for someone he is spending time with which is hard not to do if it is every day. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you or isn't sorry, unfortunately that's how it seems to work.

I've done it but it wasn't in any way romantic!!! Also never slept with my boss

Very intimate thing to do - unless DH is a feeble octogenarian who needs help along the road. Sometimes a very pissed thing to do - like 'I fucking love you mate' etc, but that is usually the very young. Both upto no good really. And it seems you don't trust him, with reason.

Hurdygurdy are you friends, or her boss? And we're there others around which she was happy to do it in front of? Those things do change the situation, I think. I could accept that it was a stupid drunken thing to do, but it wasn't a friendship thing - he was her boss, and she had a friend there at the time. Who was female. Maybe she only holds hands with men, not female friends.

Whatever, he should be able to give an explanation of why they were both comfortable with it at that time, and why he did not drop her hand, being married and her boss. If he's getting drunk to the extent that these things are of no concern, it is highly likely that he wouldn't care about other inappropriate things too.

csleeptime that's pretty nasty. They are both old enough to know better, and it wouldn't have been a case of her thinking he'd leave. I could very well imagine it's a case of while away do what you like because the wife won't know, though. And that shouldn't be the way it works. A military spouse has to put a lot of trust in their other half, with all the time spent apart. I didn't cheat or mess around with anyone else so there is no reason why he should have. And trying to ignore it is not the respectful way to go. It's ppl like that who really should be ashamed of themselves. Along with my idiot H. Why on earth would anyone have such low morals as to deliberately mess around with the married boss while away. Selfish losers.

I go with the prevailing view of "no smoke without fire" on this one, I'm afraid.

Fwiw I've fallen asleep, head on my bosses shoulder in a pub, exhausted & drunk - but never held hands, that's a whole different level of intimacy.

Hmm... was going to answer "never", but then remembered that once I linked arms with a boss. There's a significant age difference and I don't fancy him. That was linked arms though and to me feels more friendly than holding hands, which seems intimate ?

I have 2 male (very bearded shaggy & boisterous) bosses. We have pretty good rapport. The idea of holding hands with either... ewwwww. Just NO.

I could take an arm if very very drunk.

Am nearly as mortified at screwing up on apostrophes as I was after dozing on boss's shoulder.

FWIW there was one boss, he has two shoulders, I used only one of them, once.

Of course it wasn't ok and of course as a minimum they were having some sort of emotional affair at this point.

I think you either make your peace with the fact he was/is a serial cheat or you leave him. Digging around in the details won't change those options

There more to this. Sorry x

@FritzDonovan how would you feel to know that your past threads on your dh have been so bad that I actually remember your username. I read your name and instantly though oh god not the guy in the forces who's literally never been faithful to this woman but she just won't leave him..

please be honest - with yourself if nothing else -

Literally what does this man need to do, for you to finally realise that he is just not faithful.

You have YEARS of threads here about this guy.

What is keeping you with him? Please just be frank so that posters can help you?

@FritzDonovan it's not the straw that broke the camels back though, is it, because you'd have left him. I feel so so sorry for you but this man is just going to keep doing the same things. You can't trust him and know he'll keep doing what he does - especially if he doesn't remember it after he's had a drink

Wow whether or not he's been 'inappropriate' - you contacting a work colleague of his is way out of line. That could get your husband in masses of trouble. I'm not surprised she blocked you. It is never ever appropriate to do that. In fact it is borderline stalkerish. Can you not stap back and see what you've become? If that doesn't make you realise this isn't a healthy relationship then there is little hope. At the end of the day it doesn't matter what he has or hasn't done you have no trust in him. And that will always be a problem. Leave now while you can still scrape together a bit of self respect.

Straw/camel's back ?

Zero tolerance ?

You are fooling yourself, but you are not fooling him, or us.

Yes, fucker, zero tolerance on listening to an accepting something that doesn't sound right.

mumdiva you think it's borderline stalkerish to contact someone on one occasion to ask what went on between them and my husband? Guess there's a lot of us stalkers out there then. Step back and see what I've become? Yeah, someone who asks for the truth instead of sitting there.

rvby money and kids. That's it in a nutshell. Not always so easy to just walk away, though, is it?

Hi @FritzDonovan I think you need to accept that without trust then forces marriages just can’t work, and to be fair your marriage does not sound happy or healthy, sorry.

You cannot change your husbands behaviour no matter how much you want to, so you have a choice now: you leave him and move on or you stay and accept the constant unsettled feeling as your normal.

Yep, I agree. He abused my trust and broke it. I can't do this for another 20 years.

I will again say, for all those who must have missed it. Apart from the explanation on this, he is doing everything right at present. And has been doing for some time. And since the last post on it, I now have an explanation which I believe. I'm not going to go into it here, it is not a particularly nice attitude on his part, and I'm not in the mood to get picked apart for someone else's shit behavior. But it is an explanation. The last of the things I needed to know.

Thanks to those who considered my question instead of just jumping to the usual ltb response. Considering how prolific cheating appears to be, there'd hardly be any long-term married ppl if noone worked at bettering themselves and the relationship.