How likely are you to hold your male boss's hand when drunk?

[FritzDonovan]

If you're a single female, have been working away with a large group of people for months, are out one night with your married (male) boss, a friend, one other colleague and his friend, and all are pretty drunk. Under what circumstances would you end up walking along holding your boss's hand?

loopy I asked her to explain what had happened, as I only found out about the previous affair after confirmation from the affair partner. He had lied and denied until he could no longer do so. I find it very weird that this colleague said it was inappropriate, because I knew she had held hands. The timing and wording was more like it was inappropriate for me to accuse her of doing that, as he was her boss and twice her age. But she didn't deny it.

If she was going to accuse him of sexual harassment she would have done so ages ago. I don't think she would have considered it as such though, as I saw a photo on her FB page (before I got blocked) of him and her walking next to each other in the street somewhere, with another female and whoever took the photo. All smiling. If she had a problem with him im sure this would not have been put in her photos.

Sorry @FritzDonovan I was hoping there was a semi-legitimate excuse and that he was just a bit of an idiot.

I think you're right and there's something more there.
He's intentionally drip-feeding you and next time you argue he might feed a little bit more and a bit more to drive you mad.

I've held my male friends hand a few times, both drunk and sober. He has also basically carried me home once after a night out when I twisted my ankle in heels. I've also held my female friends hands just out and about, I have also carried her home after a night out. But that's a different dynamic. I totally get why that would upset you and you've made that clear to him. I'd try to get him to understand why it's not ok and then if you don't think anything else has happened I'd let it go. It's not like he can change it after the fact. All he can do is ensure that it doesn't happen again.

🤔 As she’s blocked you, it sounds as though she has a problem with you. Do you think she wanted to stop you looking at her FB? Or do you think she wanted you to know she’d frozen you out?

Either way, your husband sounds horrible and surely a life without him would be nicer? He’s a cheat and probably always will be. You deserve better than that.

He's not saying anything else. Just that it was a stupid drunken mistake, and his inhibitions were lowered because he was drunk. Which explains nothing.

I really like my boss, he is a great bloke and we have had a few drunken work nights out but it would never never occur to me to hold his hand in any circumstances. I am in a Long Term Relationship and he is married so it is completely unreasonable.

If it was a one off then I probably wouldn’t be too concerned but as you dh has history of cheating I would be feeling very uneasy about it. Once a cheat always a cheat.

@FritzDonovan, hadn't seen the latest updates, I'd definitely not be happy and he needs to get a grip. If he has form for this there is likely something else going on. Try to get the full story as previous poster has said he's drip feeding to get a reaction if I were you I'd be considering if the stress is worth being with him. Especially after a previous affair.

DBML I'd checked out her FB beforehand, that photo got me thinking, unfortunately I didn't think to check it out in detail at the time. She could well have not wanted me looking further. Or she could have just wanted to make sure I couldn't 'harrass' her by asking questions she obviously didn't want to answer! Which again points to there being more to it than a joke, either way.

I asked her to explain what had happened

I think this is really weird and inappropriate. Your problem should be with your DH and you should be tackling it with him. Unless you also work there, you really shouldn't be talking to his colleagues about this. It's crossing a line and could impact his career.

Any circumstances at all. It's partly why I don't drink anymore!

@HundredMilesAnHour maybe he should have thought of that before being inappropriate with an employee then bragging to his wife about it

confused I've been trying. He's not saying. I don't think he's drip feeding to get a reaction. He would be much happier if I dropped it and moved on. I had done so, but it triggered again this week, and it's obvious my subconscious is not happy with that incomplete explanation. Her reaction is just too odd for it to have been a joke, even if she was embarrassed. If it was a joke, surely he'd remember something of it. Or be able to suggest something. But he can't. Which just makes it feel like the reason he doesn't say is because the reason is totally hurtful and inappropriate. Not a funny joke. Which I'd understand, even if I was peeved.

hundred I really couldn't give a shit if it impacted his career. Holding a colleagues hand, esp as the boss, could impact his career, yet he chose to do that. Shouldn't have for that reason, also that it was disrespectful to me. If he told me the truth, I wouldn't have to ask anyone else either. So that's on him too. Not me. I deserve the truth. If I have to find out by asking someone else, he only has himself to blame.

I cannot imagine holding the hand of anyone I worked with, night out or not (my boss is female btw and I wouldn't hold her hand either, we're quite close, but that would be weird). Unless maybe I was in the process of falling down the stairs and grabbed onto anything nearby and that happened to be one of my colleagues. Equally I don't think many people in a senior role would hold the hand of someone they line manage either. That's creepy and asking for an HR complaint.

@FritzDonovan, I get that. I'm not sure what to suggest but he's been a dick and you have my support.

The only time I have ever held a colleague's hand was many many years ago and colleague was new to London. We were about to cross a busy road and she went to step out, got beeped at by a taxi, and then got terrified, so she held my hand to cross the road.
We're both female. We've never had a sexual relationship.

However, the OP's situation sounds very very different and there doesn't seem to be any valid rationale.

never, it is not appropriate- as someone who works in a male dominated profession who does male dominated hobbies which are very close up (brazilian juijitsu im
the only girl there and it's literally ground fighting) - hand holding would never happen

it's an intimate thing - close friends, family or lovers only

there doesn't seem to be any valid rationale

Exactly. Doesn't anyone else think that her reaction is a bit weird? If it had been a joke, wouldn't you have been happy to say so and laugh it off?

Thx confused.

Don't know whether this makes any difference, but they're in the navy. Which is notorious for inappropriate behavior and sticking together while deployed.

Me, never, just as I don't call colleagues love or honey. Having said that I work with a touchy feely lot and wouldn't surprise me if they did

Have you posted about this several times before?

Sounds very familiar.

If so then I think you already know h isn't to be trusted and so you should be walking away as you clearly aren't getting a resolution that allows you to truly move on (And I'm not really someone who expects people to stay together after infidelity anyway)

If you can't trust him the marriage is over anyway pointless constantly analysing and trying to find reasons why his behaviour is acceptable.

graphista yes, I have posted about it a long while ago. As you can see, I am no further with an explanation, and although it had settled for a while, I have recently been triggered afresh and obviously cannot move on without an explanation. And noone else can suggest a plausible and appropriate reason. You are right.

OP what is that you are looking for with your questions. Assurance that he did or didn’t have an affair or flirtation with his subordinate?

There’s always a possibility that the hooves you hear are from zebras not horses. There is a small possibility that the lying cheating man with a lot to lose and his colleague, with equal amounts to lose, held hands for a joke or safety. But it’s bollocks. It’s an act of intimacy unless ordered by a primary school teacher.

They were being intimate, because they fancy each other and are confident enough to do it. They either had an affair or were about to have one. They don’t want it getting out because it will impact on their careers. The other colleagues are loyal so they won’t tell.

He will do or say whatever it takes to preserve the safety net of his marriage and to protect his career. But he won’t stop lying and he won’t stop cheating.

You know he is lying and that he is capable of cheating. What more are you looking for? Do you need a reason to stay or leave.

My advice is if you want to stay then just accept he is a liar and a cheat. Saves you running around trying to find out a truth you already know.

Am I right in remembering they're both military and this happened on a work trip?

I think I posted on one of your earlier threads.

Cheating is rife in the military not helped by the "what goes on tour stays on tour" "rule" which means colleagues don't tell the spouse.

You're making yourself miserable by staying with him and he's doing nothing to genuinely reassure you IF nothing happened.

He also IS bloody stupid risking his career and career based reputation for such stupidity because while it is common all branches of the military are on an official level trying to stamp out this culture.

He can't officially be reprimanded for cheating (which used to be the case but the law changed) but he can be "dealt with" by his seniors in other ways, they can hamper his promotion prospects, send him to postings that are undesirable and also affect promotion prospects, deploy him more often... it's not supposed to happen but it does and he knows this.

You need to walk away, this relationship is not healthy for you at all.