Am I being paranoid

[dgl804]

I've recently given birth 8 weeks ago via c section. I'm quite curvy, not "fat" but extra pounds, but I never had a large tummy before. I'm now left with the c section pouch and I'm so low on confidence. My partner keeps touching it and he says it's to prove to me it doesn't matter, but I feel like he's zoning in on it. I found porn on his phone which I'm not happy about and I'm paranoid these are the kind of women he wants. I have been cheated on in my previous relationship. I don't know how to overcome my insecurities

Are you usually (pregnancy, postpartum aside) well matched in the bedroom or does he have a much higher sex drive? I don't know if you've started having sex again since giving birth, I know I wasn't ready for any action for at least 4 months or so after having my kids. I'm sure DH sorted himself out in that time period and to be honest I'm grateful for that, however he chose to do it, porn or no porn. It only becomes a problem if they are choosing self service over sex with you more often than not. I do think you should have a chat with regards to how you feel, he obviously knows you're not ok with his porn use. OP it's ok to not be ok with it, but only you know whether its a dealbreaker. I think its a fact that most men will masturbate and most men will use porn to aid this.
I certainly would be having words with him in regards to his namecalling disgustingness, I would be calling him right out on that. How hurtful.

@Nomorewine77 yes we have been for a few weeks now, I'd say our sex drives are similar. Mine is probably a little higher. He has name called in an argument since I've had our baby, he also did it before. His words have stuck. In my previous relationship he also name called so my confidence was low to begin with and he knows this. I feel I just don't know who or what he wants

I have caught him twice doing it next to me while I've been asleep which I don't think is ok. The issues run quite deep

Yeah, I dont think I'd be ok with DH doing it right next to me either, just as he probably wouldn't if I cranked up Lovehoney's finest and started buzzing away!

@dgl804 I’m sorry but he DID want to say all the things he said in the arguments. And he wanted to hurt you badly too. With words but still.
He is telling you who he is. A nice man as long as things go the way he wants. If they don’t, then all gloves are off.

The fact you’ve told him before you have an issue with poem but he didn’t listen shows the level of respect he has for you too

It’s up to you to decide if this is acceptable or not.

Masturbating to porn next to your partner sleeping is low. Really really low.

@HeyNotInMyName

A nice man as long as things go the way he wants. If they don’t, then all gloves are off.

He actually says this about me lol, but I don't approach arguements the way he does

@HeyNotInMyName I know, it actually affected me quite badly when it happened

People have different views on porn. But regardless, I really don’t get why it’s hard to understand that a woman who has recently given birth and coming to terms with everything that involves feels hurt and sensitive to her partner seeking and looking at porn online. Often very young women performing for male fantasy. I’m pretty sure most men would feel the same if women were constantly viewing huge erect dicks on line.

And this is not just about female insecurity. Porn has been totally normalised. But really it has no place in a respectful relationship.

Saying he "could say things that could break you" is emotional abuse. End of. Sorry. That one sentance makes this a more serious matter OP. He is an abusive asshole. You just had his child.

@Uptonogoodtoo
Completely agree!

@ChristinaMarlowe
I'm sort of used to his as I've had very similar relationships in my life

It reminds me of an abusive ex many years ago. You don't have to stand for it. You have created a human and you are fragile. He should support you more, not less. Be careful OP. It is easier to walk away now and concentrate on co-parenting. Telling you he has the power to break you is about the biggest red flag 🚩

We all have the power to ‘break’ someone and say some pretty cruel things. Particularly if they’re in a vulnerable position. Even if the things said aren’t actually true!

@ChristinaMarlowe I told him that by saying it he has left me wondering what he was going to say. He said it was said purely to cause hurt at the fine and he didn't have anything to say but I don't believe it

Op you deserve respect and kindness. You’ve just had a baby. That is huge. He should be the protector at the moment! Caring for his partner and new baby. Not acting like he is.

Personally for me masturbation and sex are extremely different things and I think it's a bit out of order to try and control that.

Masturbation is a fast, 2 minute release. Sex is a lot of effort and time and is a bonding experience that I love but, sometimes can't be arsed with. Nothing to do with DP being attractive or not.

@Uptonogoodtoo I think the same. There's more respect from my side than his. I'm already fragile and he's done damage with things he's said

I'm with ChristinaMarlowe, OP. I'm stunned that many other posters are looking past the 'I could say things that would break you' comment. It's downright abusive. Why would 'breaking you' even cross his mind, even conceptually?
You may have had similar relationships in the past, but that doesn't mean you have to have them going forward.

Masturbating is fine. But seeking out porn and often ‘teen porn’ really is very grim.

@LemonPrism I'm not trying to control that, but I have my views on porn

@Uptonogoodtoo I've seen skinny babe porn on his phone

@Eckhart he's a person who likes to give the maximum in a row, he admits he wants to hurt me as much as he can in that moment

You know what annoys me more about porn, blokes not being upfront about it and those pretending they aren’t interested or agree about it being an awful industry etc. I would rather someone was upfront about they like it and use it a lot so you can actually decide if you want to be in a relationship with them pretty early on. For plenty of women using it a lot is offensive to them and a turn off and pretty much a dealbreaker, just as excessive debt or gambling or a big drink habit might be for others. Thing is though unlike in the past when a bloke had to stash mags or pop a video in, it can be a well hidden habit , doesn’t mean you don’t have a right to know if it’s part of their makeup