Am I being paranoid

[dgl804]

I've recently given birth 8 weeks ago via c section. I'm quite curvy, not "fat" but extra pounds, but I never had a large tummy before. I'm now left with the c section pouch and I'm so low on confidence. My partner keeps touching it and he says it's to prove to me it doesn't matter, but I feel like he's zoning in on it. I found porn on his phone which I'm not happy about and I'm paranoid these are the kind of women he wants. I have been cheated on in my previous relationship. I don't know how to overcome my insecurities

@Bluntness100 it's not a case of him being "allowed" to do anything, he's a grown man he will make his own choices but my views obviously clash with his

Yes, looks wise, body wise, I assume we are talking on the same page?

Sex and masturbation are two different things, do you not masturbate? Most people do. It's normal and nothing to be ashamed of. I think you are really going too far if you object to your partner having a wank.

@Bluntness100 what you accept in a relationship might not be what I accept. Everyone is different. And if you compare your body to a porn stars and don't feel lesser of a person then I genuinely applaud you.
However I'm not sure what picture I've painted of myself, but I'm no ogre

He sounds unpleasant - calling you a dog and saying he could break you with words. Is he kind to you normally? Are you emotionally safe with him?

@category12 on a normal day he's amazing. In an arguement he's awful

But how people treat us in difficult times is far more telling than in the easy good times. If you're ill or upset, is he kind? Was he supportive during the pregnancy? If you said to him about stopping touching your stomach, would he?

You mention you're not one of "those women" who "pass him off with a headache" - do you feel an obligation to have sex even if you don't feel up for it? How does he react if you do say no?

Why on earth would he want to break you with words?! That sounds almost threatening to me and whilst things can be said in the heat of an argument, thats really not ok.
Do you object to his use of porn because of the industry itself or because you don't like the idea of him looking at other women's bodies and comparing yourself to them? Believe me I'd love pornstar boobs instead of empty vessels but it ain't going to happen!
Perhaps you need to talk to him properly about it and explain why you're not ok with it and his continued use is upsetting for you.

@category12
No not at all, our sex drives are pretty much the same and I don't feel that way. He was really supportive in pregnancy, he's usually kind. If I'm ill or upset he comforts me and tries to help.

It's only when we've fallen out he says things, never when we are ok

@Nomorewine77

I do think he wanted to say things when he said that to me, he just didn't. We have an amazing relationship usually.
I know some people on here don't object to porn watching whilst in a relationship, but I do. It's each to their own. I do think he probably would compare them to me, or if not that then "prefer" watching that than being with me. But also that we have a good sex life why does he "need" that? Sometimes he's done it when he's had literally a spare 5 mins if I've nipped out, but we could've done these things ourself?
I don't want to open myself up for a lot of unnecessary Criticism from some people with the last comment though

Well, your best bet seems to be to ask him to leave your stomach alone. If he's a decent guy, he will.

(Otherwise poke at something of his that he's insecure about repeatedly.)

I think things will get easier as you get used to what your body is like now. Pregnancy changes us, and there is too much on social media of celebs being back in bikinis weeks later!

Regarding the porn, I felt the same way when I found it on my first boyfriend's phone. I was gutted because he would never choose to look at women like me, always thin and brunette, so why was he even going out with me? I have learned over the years that it doesn't mean they don't like us or anything like that. Now, I will watch porn with my partner or look at pics and laugh at them. He can look at what he wants, so long as it doesn't interfere with our sex life (which it doesn't).

I don't want to sound patronising, but hormones can be all over the place after having a baby, and I think you need to be honest with your husband about how you're feeling, but you will most likely gradually feel better anyway :).

@category12

@SunshineAngel I appreciate that, I've always had these views though

OP you are only 8 weeks post partum, give yourself a break, I mean that very kindly Our bodies take a good long while to recover from pregnancy and childbirth and may never look the same again, but look what you've created with that wonderful body.

@Nomorewine77 thankyou x

Do you object to him masturbating? Porn is usually just a means to an end in this regard. Most men are very visual. Is it the porn or the fact that he's flying solo that bothers you?

@Nomorewine77
It's the porn. Before I finished work for my maternity leave I get that he masturbated. I wasn't always home, but now I am. If I go out he will use that short space of time to cram one in. I'm left to wonder why, and does he need more than me sometimes. I'm aware of how pathetic I sound

@dgl804

Hi op

When I was in my early 20’s I loathed the idea of DH watching porn. Despite being an attractive woman, I felt inferior to the porn stars in the videos. I felt that DH was wishing he could be with someone like them.

I’m in my very late 30’s now and have a mum tum and a few extra saggy bits. However, I’m more confident than ever and for the past 5 years or so have no hang-ups about my body. DH seems to get off on the confidence as opposed to the aesthetics. If I feel great, DH thinks I look great. The porn has also significantly reduced over the years.

However I don’t mind it any more. I really don’t. It’s not a reflection on you and our husbands are not looking at the women’s faces anyway, trust me. It’s also such a ‘normal’ thing to do, that even if you put a stop to it, he’d still watch in secret anyway, perhaps even putting a lock on his phone or regularly deleting his history.

You need to focus on building up your confidence instead. Your DH sounds like he genuinely loves your tummy, but if you don’t want it touched just say.

Also, with regards to having a quicky as opposed to a quick wank, it’s effort isn’t it. Your husband isn’t choosing pictures of women over you, just opting for quick relief, less mess and less clean up.

I’m sure it’s not a quick solution as you are no doubt ingrained in your way of thinking, but telling something they can’t do something rarely works and is more likely to lead to deception and unnecessary pain along the way.

@DBML
Thankyou. I have thought that regarding the less mess less effort quick job. I've asked him about it without "nagging" and his answer was that he just had an urge. I don't know what I make of that because from his phone I
History the urges were every time I was out

Hi OP, you are free to dislike him wanking in his spare time but he will do it regardless. People hate others trying to control what they do with their bodies but he will do his best to hide both the annoyance and probably the wanking. He will not stop wanking though and if he's always looked at porn to wank to I'm afraid that isn't going to stop, you are just creating secrets between yourselves.

He will absolutely not be comparing you to anything. You are his partner and the mother of his children, no 21 year old porn stars body would ever compare to that, it is completely different.

Also, with respect, it sounds like the main issue is around your own self esteem. Creating arguments around your self esteem is pretty dangerous territory. I would highly recommend speaking to a professional and working on this, to realise that you are more than what you look like is one of the most liberating things in the world, to realise you are more to others than your looks is equally important I believe too.

@dgl804

In fairness, he probably doesn’t want to be caught mid flow, with his hands down his pants...so it’s safer when he knows your out.

Plus, if it’s literally just 5-10 minutes, he’s really not looking for anyone in particular or spending a lot of time on them...he’s just going ‘that’ll do, let’s get this done quickly’.

I really would try not to worry about that. He sounds like he loves you. (But is slightly immature as he goes out of his way to try and hurt you with name calling during a row).

@WestSideSnorey I agree it will lead to secrets and I feel that has already began to happen. I wouldn't say I create an argument over my self esteem.

@DBML thankyou, I think it will always happen regardless now

OP you have absolutely no right to object to him masturbating. That is absolutely not okay and yes it is controlling
You’re allowed your opinions towards porn, but expecting him not to have a wank just because it upsets you isn’t right

In terms of the porn - I know my DP watches it. It doesn’t bother me. He watches it in private mode on his phone which leads no proof, that way if he’s showing something on his phone to someone it’s not gunna flash up in the history.
My point is - your DP could stand there and promise he will never watch porn ever again but if he wants to he will, and if he wants to hide all traces of it he will.

Him calling you a dog is absolutely awful and I’m not surprised you have confidence issues. Honestly I’m not sure how this relationship can survive in all honesty

@Loveablers
I've stayed previous he's a grown man. He will make his choices and they are his choices he can rightfully make.
It's also my choice to leave if I'm not happy with it, which is more than likely going to happen