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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

At my absolute wits end constant suside threats,

66 replies

Karenisbaren · 10/11/2019 18:00

Ok this is going to be very long so please bare with me.
My son started smoking weed at around aged 15, I did not know this at the time till he was brought home with the police one day and I was fuming.

At around 20 his behaviour became erratic, he had a massive meltdown one evening, threw the bedroom telly and threw something at his father head, we got him arrested and thought he would come home with his tail between his legs, we told him he had one more chance and that if he ever kicked off again he would be leaving and finding his own place.

2 days later he came downstairs in front of the children with a razerblade saying he was going to cut his throat, 100% at this point I realised it was drugs, long and short of it he got sectioned. He had to find his own place to live.

Over the next year he was sectioned several times, was very abusive towards us constantly threatening to commit susicde and generally being horrible,

Because of the things that have happened he is not allowed to see the children in out family that are under 18. He keeps asking, i have to keep saying no.

Our son has done some nasty things and I mean nasty, his abuse towards us and the constant suscide threats are absolutely killing me.

Yesterday I took him and his older brother out for the day, he was as high as anything, was again abusive it just ruined the trip, today feeling sorry for himself said he was going to these woods where people are notorious for hanging themselves and he has threatened to go there in the past and do it.

Now I cant take anymore I truly cant, my weight over the last few years has dropped, I am depressed, I cant remeber the last time I was happy. Do I just cut this son off? I cannot obide his behaviour anymore, I cant stand the lies, the manipulation, the head games, the susicde threats I just cannot do it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Karenisbaren · 10/11/2019 18:03

Sorry just to add when he was finishing one section, he telephoned me to say he was leaving the hospital and going to a certain place to kill himself, I phoned the ward where he was on and the sister told me he was walking down the corridor, I had already phoned the police. I got a phonecall off him hours later why had I not gone to pick him up? and left the police to it?

OP posts:

8BumbleBee8 · 10/11/2019 18:09

I feel sorry for your son.
Sounds like he is dealing with PTSD.
Would you happen to know what these traumas are or was he secretly abused by someone else?

Original poster

Karenisbaren · 10/11/2019 18:15

The only thing I can think of is we have lost around 5 relatives in the past 5 years, I feel sorry for him to but theres only so much a person cant take.

OP posts:

Original poster

Karenisbaren · 10/11/2019 18:16

Can take sorry.

OP posts:

8BumbleBee8 · 10/11/2019 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Paddy1234 · 10/11/2019 18:22

I didn't want to leave and run ❤️
A friend of mine has a son who by the sounds of it has followed the same path. The effects on the family have been devastating. In her case it was ADHD coupled with weed smoking. I can't say that they are out of it but they are five years down the road from you and it does seem better.
I don't think anyone who isn't living it knows how bad it can be. I knows she feels a failure as a mother for this particular child but had to protect the other siblings at the same time.

Louise91417 · 10/11/2019 18:22

Oh poor you...i really have no advice but really do feel for you. You need to take care of yourself before you even think about helping him. Have you spoke to your gp, perhaps maybe some counselling for yourself. So sorry for what your going through..

redexpat · 10/11/2019 18:23

Oh good grief thats a lot to deal with. I know this is hard but you have to know you cant take responsibility for him. Call the police everytime - it sounds as if youre doing that already. Has he expressed a desire to change? To get clean or get help? There may be an underlying mh condition but that wont be apparent until he is clean. Are there any support groups for families of addicts you could access?

Paddy1234 · 10/11/2019 18:24

They went through every support going. Nothing worked until he lived by himself - but that was still hit and miss as in the wrong crowd.

Original poster

Karenisbaren · 10/11/2019 18:28

8BumbleBee8, you are way off the mark there I am afraid.

OP posts:

MitziK · 10/11/2019 18:32

You have to do whatever it is that you need to do to keep yourself and your younger children safe.

His reaction to the Police, rather than you, going to him sounds like it was intended to frighten and control you, not that it was genuine. You did the right thing and he didn't like it, as he didn't want that - he wanted to control you with fear.

Don't beat yourself up about it. You've tried so hard and you need to keep yourself well and living peacefully with your other children. He needs specialist attention, not you being beaten into submission - you've said yourself that you can't take any more.

Save yourself. For yourself and for your other children, who need you.

You've done all you can - it's the professionals, and your son himself, who have to do this.

TimeforanotherChange · 10/11/2019 18:33

@8BumbleBee8 That was frankly unhelpful and unkind to someone at their wits end. It's about your son....And abuse...WHAT fucking abuse? You asked if there could be any, decided there was - all with absolutely no suggestion from OP that this was likely. If you haven't lived this then don't judge what other people should cope with. OP you have to protect yourself and your other children. Your son is an adult who needs to seek help - but abusing you is not the way to get it. Tell him you are on the end of a phone but the minute he is abusive you out it down and the minute he threatens suicide you will phone the police. He can't destroy everyone else 's life along with his own.

8BumbleBee8 · 10/11/2019 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

8BumbleBee8 · 10/11/2019 18:34

33TimeforanotherChange

That is your opinion.

Cuppachino · 10/11/2019 18:37

Unfortunately this is not about you and how you feel. You are not the victim. It's about your son who is going through a very hard time due to abuse

Sorry? Where does it say that? You can't just go making things up.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 10/11/2019 18:38

He is not threatening suicide out of fun

Threat of suicide is a well known abusers tactic to gain control over and manipulate people.

Steamfan · 10/11/2019 18:39

What a load of crap Bumblebee - you've made up a whole lot of this, and none of your post is any help to anyone. Feeling smug today are we>

TwoBoxers · 10/11/2019 18:39

@8BumbleBee8
Stop making your own narrative up, go and find a creative writing class, next time read the op, her son hasn't been abused.
Op, I had much the same with my son, when he was in his late teens. It was definitely the weed. Luckily he was seen by a very straight talking Dr who told him exactly what he needed to hear, swear words and all. It shocked my son but gave him the perspective from a medical point of view.
We did the tough love with him, kicked him out of our house. I kept in contact, bought him food and just gave him a handhold from a bit of a distance.
I wish you well for the future

Paddy1234 · 10/11/2019 18:40

'Having a horrific childhood' wtaf
Who are you to make such a judgement?
Do not comment on this thread unless you have some empathy in walking in someone else's shoes.

Lalallama · 10/11/2019 18:41

I'm so sorry OP, you must be going through hell. A close friend of mine has an adult daughter in a similar situation, and it seems to be a horrible cycle of getting sectioned, feeling a bit better, being discharged, feeling suicidal, etc. My friend has realised she can be there for her daughter when she needs it but she can't change her actions, her daughter is the only one who can help herself.

8BumbleBee8 is wrong, there doesn't need to have been any abuse, it is a mental health illness, whether personality disorder, ADHD or whatever, not anything you've done. You need to try to take time to take care of yourself, do you have friends or family you can offload on?

Paddington68 · 10/11/2019 18:42

8BumbleBee8 You are being unkind at best and downright trolling at worse.

DrMadelineMaxwell · 10/11/2019 18:43

Good Lord 8BumbleBee8! Back down and leave the OP alone. You have no basis for your assertions that it must be down to abuse or a horrible childhood, so no idea why you are spouting such rubbish.
Many people start smoking weed at a young age and have it affect their mental health massively. This may all be off the back of that.

FlamingoAndJohn · 10/11/2019 18:43

The boy obviously had a horrible childhood

Obviously is doing a awful lot of work there.
There is no obvious about it.

I know people who had lovely childhoods, supportive parents, no abuse, no financial worries and ended up in a very similar way to the ops son.

slipperywhensparticus · 10/11/2019 18:43

Where does it say it was abuse? My ex threatened suicide said it was because his dad died when he was young truth is he knew he could manipulate people by saying it when I called him on it and called the police on him he hit the roof at me called me all sorts but he wasnt suicidal just used to being able to control people

MidnightMystery · 10/11/2019 18:49

I feel sorry for the both of you and somewhat scared for you both too.

Horrible situation to be in.
Do you give him money ? Does the threatening happen when you say no to something? I'm going through something so similar and have had to stay away from the person for my own sanity even though it breaks my heart.

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