At my absolute wits end constant suside threats,

[Karenisbaren]

Ok this is going to be very long so please bare with me.
My son started smoking weed at around aged 15, I did not know this at the time till he was brought home with the police one day and I was fuming.

At around 20 his behaviour became erratic, he had a massive meltdown one evening, threw the bedroom telly and threw something at his father head, we got him arrested and thought he would come home with his tail between his legs, we told him he had one more chance and that if he ever kicked off again he would be leaving and finding his own place.

2 days later he came downstairs in front of the children with a razerblade saying he was going to cut his throat, 100% at this point I realised it was drugs, long and short of it he got sectioned. He had to find his own place to live.

Over the next year he was sectioned several times, was very abusive towards us constantly threatening to commit susicde and generally being horrible,

Because of the things that have happened he is not allowed to see the children in out family that are under 18. He keeps asking, i have to keep saying no.

Our son has done some nasty things and I mean nasty, his abuse towards us and the constant suscide threats are absolutely killing me.

Yesterday I took him and his older brother out for the day, he was as high as anything, was again abusive it just ruined the trip, today feeling sorry for himself said he was going to these woods where people are notorious for hanging themselves and he has threatened to go there in the past and do it.

Now I cant take anymore I truly cant, my weight over the last few years has dropped, I am depressed, I cant remeber the last time I was happy. Do I just cut this son off? I cannot obide his behaviour anymore, I cant stand the lies, the manipulation, the head games, the susicde threats I just cannot do it.

Thank you all of your opinions.
They are all fine with me.

This thread isn't about you, Bumble. Buzz off if you can't be constructive.

It's well known that weed can trigger mental illness. I used to work with this woman whose brother developed psychosis from smoking skunk and he has been in and out of hospitals ever since. That's sounds very, very hard OP have you had any help regarding this?

Mind may be able to give you some advice and there is an organisation called Saneline open every day of the year from 4.30pm to 10.30pm on 0300 304 7000 who can offer support to you.

You may just need to step back and take care of yourself and your family. If he becomes aggressive or threatening then call the police.

It's very hard supporting people we love through mental health crisis. And this sounds like it's been going on and building up for a long time.

He's his own person though and ultimately you can't 'fix' the problem. It sounds like you're ensuring he's getting specialist help and support - which is what he needs.
What is his living situation once he comes out of hospital? Could you speak to care providers / local authority about getting him suitable longer term accommodation? If he doesn't have that in place already.

It's very sad and difficult for all of you involved. You're his mother so ultimately it would be very hard to walk away, and I don't think you should do that, but be firm with your boundaries and limit contact if you're feeling it's harming your own MH. It sounds like you're doing as much as you can, especially with your other children to care for as well.

Protect yourself and the rest of your family.

My oldest brother had severe issues that affected his younger siblings and our (lone) mum, so he had to move out and stay away until he sorted himself out.

You can't force him to get the help he needs, especially now he's an adult. But you can protect the younger ones and yourself.

This sounds like the film "beautiful boy"
He is a consenting (when he has capacity) adult.
The children in your care are not.
Happy mum, happy children.
Yes I would cut him off.
You will always love him but it is his choice to continue down this journey of destruction and not yours or the children in your care.
He knows what to do to be part of your life, he chooses not to do that.
You will have to face the fact that he is one day likely to carry out his threats, painful as that is.

Good grief BumbleBee ....you’re now suggesting OP had an abusive childhood!! Did you get the book Psychotherapy due Dummies as a present recently??

My son went psychotic using week and I had a two year nightmare. I had to be there for him.
He's 40 now and fine but you need to support him through this, it will get better.

Jesus, Bumblebee, show some empathy to the OP. Your posts and unkind and weird. It isnt always feasible for a parent to try and do psychological therapy on their own child, so stop suggesting things like that.

OP you have younger children to protect, you have to put them first. He cannot come home.

I've worked in MH and addiction units. Bumble is spouting dangerous untruths.

Karenisbaren

I may be wrong. Your son may have just woken up one day crazy and spontaneously decided to do drugs.
If that's the case then I am very sorry.
I still think you should stick by his side...

You will not cure him.
He's got to get the right help and medication.
If he doesn't do this, this awful situation will keep going round in circles and his mental health will deteriorate more and more.
I am sure you are aware of this and it must be awful for you all.
Wishing you the very best💐

In the interests of your own mental and emotional self preservation, I would say you must cut all contact with him.

15-20 is a major time for men to develop mental illness. Drugs can push people out of a stable zone. My family went through something similar. The person concerned was held close by his parents which saved his life but made him very dependent on their help. It's sad and scary but you may need to walk away from his threats, find a way to help at arms length, and pray for the best.

Love over anger

That is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever read on MN! Or anywhere else come to that. This is a serious issue affecting the OP's personal well being and her younger children. Slogans taken from some "feel good" website do not help the situation in any way!

Sadly your DS is likely to have been diagnosed with a form of personality disorder. I would hazard a guess that his detention on the mental health act was short and was likely linked to him threatening suicide under the influence of drugs. No one on here can question the impact drugs has on our mental health. Drugs are around more today than they ever were before and some of our DC are more vulnerable than others to there effects. Sadly OP DS sounds dangerous when under the influence and will likely end up hurting someone else before himself. He hasnt done anything to date to suggest he is a danger to himself if anything he is a danger to others...

champagneandfromage50 you are right, it seems to be when he is using something and feels the guilt or the comming down, at one section the pychairtist said I cant stop you killing yourself off you pop. The police did advise me to take out a non molestation order, but I did not want that, I started it and thought it may make things worst. He has had a good run but is starting to decline again. Unfortunately mental health issues run in our family, my father suffers severe mental health and his brother too.

As for bumble I will be honest as a child he was spoiled and adored and then his brother came along that has addtional needs and was having severe meltdowns all the time, so that did not help and when I say all the time I mean all the time, my other children got little attention because all the attention was focused on this child. Then my partner got very sick and we lost 5 relatives in the space of a very short time, including my mother.

I dont have any family left, I do not have any friends, lost my best friend in May,although I classed him as family.

Also champagneandfromage50 you said this "DS sounds dangerous when under the influence and will likely end up hurting someone else before himself. He hasnt done anything to date to suggest he is a danger to himself if anything he is a danger to others" Yes you are probably right as most times he has threatened to kill himself but not and when he has cuts himself it is always superficial. The pychiatrist also did say he will end up killing himself but it will be accidental.

My son had a bipolar breakdown no sleep for three weeks and violence towards me and risky behavior towards himself (as much as a special needs child could) and it was hell getting his Rx regulated it took four months of court ordered commitment as an inpatient and indeed the whole family were victims as it affected us all. Thank the lord he's much better and it's five years down the road and he's living at home and going to school. Best of luck OP

EKGEMS, I asked a teacher a good few years back when he was in high school if she thought he may have the same condition my other son has, she said no, however I do think he does and the first hospital he was sectioned in told me that he did have that, but then another hospital decided it was personality disorder.

@8BumbleBee8

"I feel sorry for your son.
Sounds like he is dealing with PTSD."
You managed to achieve that (incorrect) diagnosis from what the OP said? Really?

@8BumbleBee8 I haven't read the rest of your flaming, but there was no reason for you to claim he has PTSD, it could be anything. PTSD tends to consist more of anxiety symptoms. OP didn't mention any traumatic experiences he'd had in her original post. You seem to be flaming for the sake of it. Had one too many?

This sounds like a horrible situation OP. I have been through something similar myself, but it was me, rather than my child.

Unfortunately there is probably not one answer. It might be a mix of childhood trauma which can arise from any number of things, and not always the usual stuff, and which of course is not your fault but might be a factor; weed, which is an absolute headfuck; and possibly underlying MH illness.

I’ll make a guess that he has been diagnosed with EUPD/BPD, which is unfortunately a dustbin diagnoses given to people with complex trauma, and/or substance issues and a record of multiple suicide threats and difficult behaviour. Unfortunately this diagnosis effectively closes the door to any constructive treatment because as anyone who has been churned through the MH system will tell you, it’s like being black listed. There simply isn’t the analysis in the medical model to deal with people with complex needs so they end up in and out of hospital, on and off every medication going and spiralling from one crisis to another.

I might be miles off the mark here and I’m sorry if I am, but this was my experience and that of many people I have known. The NHS only have a limited range of treatments available, and if they can’t throw medication at it and CBT/DBT/a few breathing techniques don’t work they’re all out of ideas.

There’s only one way to break the cycle, and unfortunately you have no control over whether that happens or not, and that is for him to get off the weed. Not just cut down but get completely off and never touch it again. Until he does that he won’t be stable enough to make any real progress.

It took me a good while from realising that weed was fucking up my MH to actually stopping, because it’s an absolute bugger to quit, even when it does make you miserable all the time. I gave up in the end because of my own child, and because I just couldn’t see myself surviving all the difficult things I had to do if I carried on.

Honestly I think you need to go NC or very LC with him until he’s stopped smoking. Tough love won’t necessarily make an addict stop but they might just have a big enough shock to make them think.

I wish I had something more constructive to tell you or something that would make you feel better, but honestly, take it from a dope addict, until he leaves that stuff behind you might as well fart into the wind because once weed makes you ill it’ll never let you get well.

Please look after yourself OP. This is not your fault and you didn’t cause it, and it’ll hurt you to cut him out but while weed rules his mind you will be wasting your time and your tears chasing yourself up your own arse for nothing. There comes a time where you have to put on your own life jacket, because you have other DC to consider, and because you won’t save him by sacrificing yourself.

I do wish you well. Weed is evil shit and it ruins lives. It’s not the harmless drug people think it is.

Giving it up is the best thing I ever did and I’ve been a different person since. My problems haven’t gone away but I can deal with them now, instead of using getting wasted as an easy way to wallow in my own misery.

Again, I might be miles off the mark and if I am then just disregard. I’m making assumptions based on my own experience but I realise my experience isn’t the only one.

Hi, like the PP, I also have severe mental health problems at times, along with ADHD diagnosed in later life. My first hospital admission for bipolar at 24 was exacerbated by having a boyfriend who smoked skunk and used to roll me joints. I've hated all drugs since for that very reason- they're so bad for people.

What I would say is sometimes someone with mental health problems may have to 'sink' before they get the help they need to swim. My parents helped me out a lot in my early 20s, and, while it maybe meant I achieved stuff I otherwise wouldn'tve done, it prevented my mental health problems being properly diagnosed/treated, as I was kept afloat artificially. IDK if that applies at all to your situation, though. Do you help him out with money and stuff? If so, try to avoid doing so. Encourage him to claim any money he's entitled to. Encourage him to call the crisis team when needed, CPN, consultant etc; whoever should be his first port of call.

Otherwise, with the calling the emergency services immediately when he makes suicide threats, you're doing the right thing.

I'm a bit more optimistic than the previous poster. They did try at one point to diagnose me with BPD and were very vindictive and unhelpful. I went private for a while and that's when a consultant said I didn't have BPD, but ADHD. He was a twat in other ways though lol but anyway, I applied to change teams with the NHS and my latest lot have been really good. ADHD services eventually saw me, and I'm going to give the ADHD meds another shot.

Even when it comes to them thinking I have Borderline traits as it's on the computer now, the current team have been really respectful. They referred me to the psychologist when the previous lot claimed (falsely) that there was nothing they could do. I said DBT hadn't helped me when I saw a private therapist, and so they've agreed to do EMDR, which I've found helpful in the past.

If you think your son has the same problem as your younger son, I would push for it to be diagnosed. Encourage him to go private if need be for a diagnosis (the only thing I would help him with financially is medical care/therapy.)

How much does he act like he wants to seek help/get 'better?' I think to me that would decide my feelings about someone. I have time for people who're doing all they can to improve themselves, but very little time for people who don't make an effort. I suppose some people are so ill, though, that they don't realise they're ill- but it doesn't sound like he's one of those.