Devastated 6 months on - family fallout

[magictorch]

I am still devastated over an incident at a family party 6 months on and could do with some help or advice to help me stop obsessing and try and move on. Thank you. OK, long story so settle in...

At the event, there ended up being a fisticuffs falling out between DH and his brother and it appears we’ve been cut off from that side of the family. DH says his brother is dead to him and BIL called me a shit mum and some other unpleasant things, so that’s that.

Basically, I was pretty merry and in high spirits (I took a stumble over a balloon on the dance floor) but at about midnight I sat down and dropped off asleep in the corner. This offended BIL, who found DH outside having a fag with his cousin (he was also merry, not pissed, we had DS with us) told him to sort his ‘pissed up c*nt’ wife and that I was a shit mum and he was a crap dad. DH reacted to this and fisticuffs ensued.

DS was inside playing with other kids and with family so enjoying himself and was not neglected at any time. We were dancing to baby shark together! BIL & SIL then refused to let DS come home with us as we are ‘unfit parents’ and forcibly took him away, sobbing. We were a two minute walk from home. Put it this way, I was sober enough to remove make up, earrings, have a water etc when I got home and didn’t have a hangover the next day, so you know, I was clearly wasted 🤔. I asked around the next day in case my memory is shot and I’d vomited onto the buffet table or something (!) and everyone says I was just being a bit funny (as in ha ha) on the dancefloor before having a snooze. Am utterly devastated even after all this time.

I am a massive introvert, loathe confrontation and have loved his family like my own blood for 25 years. My anxiety is through the roof. I am having panic attacks at the thought of bumping into them at the shops etc.

I do accept I was probably more tipsy than I should’ve been - had been running around all day and not had time to eat much, and the fatigue from an auto immune condition I have really battered me, but all I’d had was a shared bottle of Prosecco with one of DH’s cousins 😔

And now I have caused a massive family rift. I’m such a fuck up.

It was my birthday this week and not that I expected anything, but not even a text from my niece or nephew has really, really hurt.

Tellingly, given BIL & SIL were so concerned about DS they have made no contact to even ask after him in the six months since.

DH is completely on our side and wants nothing more to do with any of them.

Please help. With birthdays and Christmas coming up it just feels so raw still. Despite it all, I miss them, but can’t see a way forward.

So you were passed out pissed and your DH was having a physical fight with his brother? All at a party your child was at? Not great that is it??

There’s more to this then you are saying. I’m not convinced this was a one off bad night for them to totally cut you off.

I'm sorry but you vomited on the buffet table? You were obviously more pissed than you thought you were.

I also think there's a massive back story here...we've all been more pissed than we should and it doesn't usually cause a fallout like this.

She didn't say she vomited on the buffet table , she asked the next day if she had missed something and her behaviour was worse than what she had remembered , like vomitting on the table without realising and this was why it kicked off ... I think I'm reading that right??

She didn't vomit on the buffet table. Read it again.

Op I'm sure this is upsetting but it is really up to your DH to lead on this one. Whatever the rights and wrongs of what you did that night cutting you off forever is pretty brutal, but I reckon this has more to do with your H and his brother's relationship. I wouldn't get in the way of it personally.

How old is your ds?

If you behaved perfectly well and didn't neglect your son (but passed out in a corner and your DH didn't notice isnt normal behaviour) then they are unreasonable however I think you know at some level you were out of order. Both parents drinking at an event with children isn't responsible. It must have been very scary for your son who has now lost his cousins and other family.

If you want them back in your life then be honest about the situation. Were they trying to help your son? Their approach was poor but has this happened so many times that they feel frustrated with you.

Start with genuine self reflection how much do you drink or go out?

My friend was similar to you (a party girl with a good heart) and if she asked me I would say what your friends said as I didn't want to upset her. However her daughter is now an adult and had a difficult life so I should have said more.

No, I didn’t vomit on the buffet table. I asked around in case my memory was so shot that I’d done something totally awful and so totally out of character. I hadn’t. My memory was spot on, I’d had a couple of drinks, was tired, closed my eyes and dropped off for a few minutes after a full on day.

I don’t do getting drunk or battererd, never have done - I hate the thought of not being in control. I had 2/3 glasses of Prosecco, plus water in between.

BIL hit my DH who pushed him away. Then BIL hit him again.

No back story at all, hence confusion and devastation. I’d apologised at the time.

My son was fine by the way, had been having a great time and didn’t see any of this - he was sobbing at the end because he wanted to come with me but he was being held back by his auntie and she wouldn’t let him.

Like I said I was not pissed or passed out.

There must be a backstory to this

A few glasses of prosecco at a family party is fine!! Your BIL sounds mental. And even if you had been drunk, you don't start beating your brother up because of it!

How come you let your sil take your child away?

That didnt come from nothing. My guess is that BIL doesnt like you for whatever reason and was looking for a reason to pick a fight and get you and dh out of the picture.

Seriously no back story (that I’m aware off). This is why it is so painful.
They’ve fallen out with other friends and family before, guess it’s our turn. But it really hurts. I can’t forget how he called me a c*nt and a shit mother and I keep replaying it in my head as I just cannot understand how it came to this.

Cherry, I couldn’t stop her. I also didn’t want to scare my son my making a scene and I know they love him and wouldn’t hurt him.

DH was also just merry - couple of pints.

Maybe BIL was just looking to pick a fight. I just don’t understand.

Don't expect much sympathy on here OP. Threads about drinking attract the "only a small glass of sherry on Christmas evening" brigade.

Hulkspurplepanties And the "there must be more to the story" faction as well

If I saw someone fall over on the dance floor and then fall asleep in a corner I'd probably presume they were quite drunk too. Your BIL and SIL were evidently concerned enough about the capability of yourself and your DH to parent your son that night that they took him home with them instead. Whether it was out of character or not, or whether you just appeared to be more drunk than you were, it sounds like you made a bit of a fool of yourself OP and if your DH was outside with his cousin while you'd nodded off, your DS wasn't your first priority either

If your DH’s version of what happened outside is correct; that BIL referred to you as a cunt, and a bad mother, and then hit your DH twice, I would say you are well out of contact with them!

Your DH doesn’t seem to blame you, so why are you blaming yourself?

One of 2 things, occurs to me.

Either you are unaware of the backstory. Perhaps intentionally maybe not

Or these people arent worth bothering with.

Given both you and your dh were drunk, I suspect you dont know the full story.

You were drunk, fell over then fell asleep in the corner and your dh was outside blissfully unaware. Neither knowing where your child was.

I have relatives like this. Leave their kids in other peoples care at parties, go off get drunk and assume that everyone else is ensuring their kids are safe.

If bil is the type to call you a cunt and punch his brother twice, unprovoked, why would you want to be around them?

Other people are unlikely to say 'yeah, you were drunk and it was awful. Very embarassing'

Also some people might find it funny if someone is drunk and causes upset.

"They’ve fallen out with other friends and family before, guess it’s our turn".

Yes this is about the long and short of it. Your BIL was looking for a fight that evening and he continues to make your H and you the scapegoats for his inherent ills.

Why are you blaming yourself here when it is your brother in law who started this in any case?. You have not caused a rift here nor are you a fuck up.

I tripped over a balloon that got under my feet on the dancefloor. I wasn’t falling down drunk.

I knew exactly where my son was - he was with me or DH, the whole time, other than when he was with his cousins dancing, or aunties and uncles. He is my world.

DH was also with us, chatting to relatives. He had popped out for a fag, hardly neglecting our son.

The family know I suffer chronic fatigue so know that sometime tiredness just overtakes me. I must have dropped off for all of 5 minutes.

I’ve been beating myself up for six months over this.

I never, ever go out or let my hair down. This is the first time this sort of thing has ever happened to me. Like I said, I rarely drink and was not hungover at all so was hardly steaming. DH & I were certainly not as drunk as some of the other people there.

I am blaming myself because all of BIL’s vitriol was in my direction.

I miss them. I’m sad that they have not made any effort to reciprocate my reaching out. I’m sad that they have not made any effort to get in touch with my son. I am said for him that his uncle and auntie created this scene seemingly on his behalf and now he hasn’t a relationship with them.

If this was a one off event as you say OP then BIL is totally out of order and was completely over the top, nasty and aggressive. Your DH quite rightly defended you and wants nothing more to do with his drama llama brother or SIL. You were walking distance from home and your DH was sober enough to be looking after your son. It was a total over reaction but of course the in-laws will be taking BIL’s side because he’s painted you both out to be something you’re not! I would avoid them like the plague and forget about them! They sound awful to write you off as an unfit parent just because you’d had a few proseccos!

I tripped over a balloon that got under my feet on the dancefloor. I wasn’t falling down drunk.

But given you then fell asleep. You can get that people thought you were hammered?

You didnt know where your son was the whole night. You were asleep and your dh was outside. Thats why your bil went out?

Its ok saying he was dancing with aunties. What if they didnt want to supervise him. Or got annoyed when they realised they were playing with him whole you had a nap and your dh pissed off outside

I am not saying you neglected him. But other people were clearly annoyed at the situation.

Again either you behaved badly and leaving bits out

Or they are shits and is best off out of it.

Not leaving anything out at all and as I said ^^ I accept that I probably looked more drunk than I was. I apologised in person the next morning and asked if I had offended, which I hadn’t according to the people whose party it actually was.

It’s a shame if close family would really resent watching my son for the five minutes it takes for DH to have a fag. He’s 8, not tiny and was merrily tearing up the dancefloor with his cousins (some of whose parents were also at the bar/buffet/ outside. It’s unfortunate that was the same time my fatigue took over.

I’m not asking for permission to have had a couple of drinks over the course of a few hours.

I am wondering if there is any way back to repairing the family relationships. It hurts to have been called a cunt by people I love, and who profess to love my son. We’re a small family, I feel so sad for my son who has also been cut off.

If theres genuinely nothing else, you are best off out of it.

I would have to be very drunk to fall asleep at a party.

Depending on the age of the child I wouldn’t have let you alone Take him home.

It sounds like your brother in law was very aggressive so something else going on there. To call you that name he clearly didn’t like you before this incident.

Taking your son without permission is a big step, so that comes down to how drunk your husband was. I am afraid by falling asleep drunk at the party you Probably didn’t seem to be capable of taking care of a child alone.